Skinny (14 page)

The poor man had gone to heaven, but not because he had only eaten scraps. He went to heaven because he believed. The Bible didn’t say she needed to eat scraps. Instead it said she needed to get rid of the things in her life that separated her from Jesus, which for Melissa wasn’t eating at all; it was
not
eating!

Her obsession with food had hindered her from sharing things with her parents, Gracie, Lindsey, and the rest of the crew. It had prevented her from going to practice and school this whole week, and it had even distanced her from God!

Right there on her bed, Melissa bowed her head. She finally had the courage to pray—to pray for the right things.

Dear God, I have been so stupid! All I wanted was to make captain and for Beau to like me and for my friends to like me and to keep up at school
. Melissa laughed at herself.
Okay, I wanted all kinds of stuff. But I wasn’t trying to be greedy. I just thought all that stuff would make me happy. Then everything got crazy! The food, the not talking to anyone, Beau. Anyway, God, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.
She had to take a deep breath. The tears slid down her face.

I hope You’ll forgive me. I know You will because You forgive everything, but I don’t know why. Anyway, please make me a better person. Please help me eat enough so I don’t need to go to a clinic, so I can be normal again. I just want to be normal again.
She wiped her tears with her sleeve and hugged her knees to her chest.

I don’t have to be captain, and I don’t have to get Beau back, but I don’t want to be so stressed and crazy all of the time. I just want to do my best and to take care of myself however You want me to. ’Cause after all, You’re the One who made me. Amen.

Melissa didn’t have any more words or any more tears. She felt an unusual calmness like floating on a raft in the ocean—no outside distractions, the world’s sounds muted by the lulling waves, just a gentle rocking. She swayed back and forth on her bed, clutching her body in a safe ball, relishing the relief from all the turmoil that had filled her for months. She lifted her head and took a deep breath.

“Chocolate chippers!” The smell of fresh-baked cookies filled her nose. Her tummy growled like a lion spying a gazelle. She patted her stomach and laughed.

Melissa walked into her bathroom, splashed cold water on her face, and bounded down the stairs two at a time.

“Do I smell cookies?” she called.

/    /    /

T
he cookies seemed to send Melissa on an upward spiral. She scarfed down two and washed them down with a huge glass of milk. They tasted delicious. She actually enjoyed the act of eating them. It was like a huge burden had been lifted, the burden to be responsible for everything, even every calorie. She knew God was taking some of that burden from her. And it felt good. At lunch she ate two pieces of leftover pizza and at dinner had a huge wedge of bubbling lasagna with her salad, instead of just the salad. She felt ravenous and everything tasted so amazing, so spicy and sweet and tangy, so much more than it ever had before.

The next morning, all of her eating paid off when she stood on the scales at Dr. Ferrone’s.

“Three pounds exactly,” Dr. Ferrone remarked, scribbling on her chart.

Melissa rolled her eyes and smiled in relief.

“Well done, but you’re not off the hook. You may resume normal activities, but you need to gain two more pounds by next week and set up a meeting with the counselor I mentioned.” Dr. Ferrone handed a white business card to Melissa’s mom.

Melissa swallowed hard. She had made it, but she had binged to gain those pounds. She had to be good today. Her toes tapped frantically on the linoleum floor.
Dear God, how can I do this?
She pictured herself on a raft again, the sun beating down on her bare shoulders. She truly tried to listen to Him.

With Me, that’s how
. She seemed to hear
. I’ll help you do this.

Dr. Ferrone turned to Melissa’s mom. “Same rules apply. You or your husband need to keep track of your daughter’s intake.” She looked up from her paperwork and peered over her silver spectacles. “Melissa’s done a great job, and so have you, but she’s a long way from recovered. This is a battle that may be with her the rest of her life.”

Melissa furrowed her brow and tilted her head. She could gain two more pounds if she had to, but when would this end? How could this not be over?

“Melissa, gaining the weight is one step in the right direction.” Dr. Ferrone put her hand on Melissa’s still bony shoulder. “But you exhibit obsessive/compulsive behavior. You will probably always have that personality trait, and you will be challenged to manage it properly. If you’re not careful, eating is something you may continue to obsess and be compulsive about forever.” The doctor motioned for her to get off the scale and to sit in one of the plastic chairs.

“We’ll try to teach you how to find the right balance in your diet. The rest of the road is a long one, but you’re on the right track. Remember, two more pounds by next week. After that we’ll start some education for your family on getting the right amounts of the right foods to maintain a healthy weight.”

“Okay.” Melissa turned her thumb to get the edge of her nail between her teeth, but her hand shook too hard.

Dr. Ferrone patted Melissa on the back and left the room.

This was more than Melissa had expected. She’d done so much. She’d eaten so much, and now the overwhelming goal of “forever” loomed.

“Mom?” she tried to ask, but tears instead of words flowed.

Her mom had tears in her eyes too. “We’ll take it one step at a time, Melissa. You, Dad and I, and God—we’re all in this together.”

B
eeeep beeeep beeeep beeeep.

Melissa turned off the alarm. She wiggled her toes under the covers. This was it—Saturday morning practice. The day she’d been waiting for. The day she joined the rest of the world. Mom and Dad were great, but she missed her friends. She missed school. She missed Beau; well, she wouldn’t go there. But most of all, she missed dancing.

She hopped out of bed. If she was going to show Todd she was okay, she needed to eat breakfast. She’d probably blown her chance at captain, but she still wanted Todd to think she was an asset to his team.

Downstairs she toasted a whole bagel, grabbed a whole banana, and put a little less water and a little more juice in her glass. She felt like a kernel of popcorn in a pot of hot oil. She couldn’t stand still. Everyone was going to be watching her to see if she would faint again or if there was something truly wrong with her. Maybe she shouldn’t go.

“Good morning, pumpkin,” Dad murmured on the way to the coffeepot. “I thought I’d join you before you go off to resume the life of a normal teenager.”

“Thanks, Dad,” she said. And meant it. She’d hated the way her parents had lurked at every meal, but today it was comforting to have someone with her. Somehow Dad seemed more bearable than Mom. He knew fewer details of what had been going on. He asked fewer questions.

“Since I’m up, I thought I might as well give you a ride to practice. It’s freezing—eighteen degrees.” He poured steaming coffee in his mug. The rich aroma filled the air with the promise of a new start. “Plus, I’d really like to see the
New York Times
this morning. I’m going to go out and get one.”

“Great. Thanks.” Melissa sat down and started working on her breakfast. She still had to concentrate on taking each bite, chewing each bite, and swallowing each bite, but she managed to finish it all.

Dad pulled into the church from the front. Melissa usually went in the back way, but Dad drove a different route than Melissa walked so he could pick up his newspaper. As their headlights beamed on the stained-glass cross, it struck her that all this time she had been practicing at church. God had been with her every time Jill made fun of her and every time she misstepped. God had even been there when she fainted, but she hadn’t seen Him. She hadn’t really been looking for Him.

“I know you’d rather practice at the school gym, but it is kind of cool you get to have rehearsals the same place we pray,” Dad commented while turning the wheel.

It was like he’d read her mind.

“Yeah.” Melissa nodded. “It’s kind of nice.”

“What time do you get done?” Dad asked.

“Ten.”

“I’ll come back and pick you up. I’ll be done reading this by then.” He held up his paper and winked.

“You don’t have to.” Melissa slid out the door.

“I don’t have to, but I want to,” Dad said. “You forget, we dads like to take care of our little girls too, even when they’re not so little.”

“Okay.” Melissa rolled her eyes and laughed. “See ya.”

She walked toward the heavy doors, then her heart hiccupped. She bent down to pretend to tie her shoe, stalling. She stood again with no more excuses to stay outside in the cold. Pushing the door open, she breathed in the smell of church, candle wax, new carpeting, old books. Facing Todd and the team wasn’t going to be easy, but Melissa felt better knowing God would be there too.

Melissa walked into the half-lit gym. Her footsteps echoed eerily in the big empty room. She was the first one there.

Dear God, I know You’re here. Please help me. I’m nervous. What will everyone say? What has everyone been saying? I hope Todd doesn’t send me home, but he might. I mean, he probably will tell me to forget the whole captain thing.

Slam!

The side door banged shut as Todd made his entrance lugging music, coffee, and his workout bag.

“Girlfriend!” he yelled, running to Melissa and somehow hugging her with his hands full. “How have you been? I want to hear everything.” He managed to hold Melissa’s hand while he waltzed over to the sound system and started setting up shop.

Melissa relaxed her jaw. “I’m great! Really great! I’m so glad to be back.” Melissa remembered the note from Dr. Ferrone in her bag, allowing her to return to practice. “Oh yeah, wait a second.” She released Todd’s hand and ran to her bag. By now some of the other girls were arriving.

“Here’s the note”—she lowered her voice—“from my doctor. You know, saying I’m okay.”

“Thanks!” Todd snatched the note, looked over it, and clapped his hands.

“Ladies, let’s get to it!” He punched the play button on the sound system, and the opening chords echoed through the gym.

Melissa tried to ignore the pairs of eyes glued on her. She somehow had to make up for a week of downtime, and she wasn’t going to do that by letting anyone get to her.
Focus
, she reminded herself.

Melissa kicked, turned, stomped, and jumped. She smiled and swirled and swiveled. She had more energy than she’d had in weeks, and her performance showed it. She messed up a couple of times, forgetting a step here and there and not knowing a part of the routine that had changed while she was out, but she did okay.

“That’s a wrap!” shouted Todd. “See y’all on Monday.”

Melissa’s whole body felt tickly, like she’d guzzled a bottle of Sprite. She collapsed on the bench next to Stacey.

“So, you okay?” Stacey asked between gulps from her water bottle.

“Yeah, great!” Melissa beamed. “At least until Todd beat us up.”

They laughed. No one else asked about Melissa’s fainting or absence. She had done it! It felt great to be herself again. Now she knew she could get through dance. The next thing she had to get through was facing everyone at school—including Beau.

M
elissa woke up Monday morning, went to the bathroom, took off her pj’s, and got on the scale before eating or brushing her teeth. Her habits weren’t going to break that quickly. Her weight lingered where it had the last two days. “I guess a whole banana isn’t too treacherous after all,” she said to herself with a smile.

Melissa looked in the mirror. Her belly seemed to bulge. Her eyes sunk into their sockets. Her once thick mane of hair was stringy and lifeless. She turned away. Everything was wrong with her! She still felt fat and ugly. Hot tears filled the rims of her eyes.

She took a series of deep breaths and then turned to the one Person who could help.
God, I need You. I cannot do this. Not without You. I need You to help me. I want to take care of myself. I want to be over this, but it seems like I never will be.
Melissa walked out of the bathroom and wiped the tears trickling down her cheeks. She felt calmer and stronger, less shaky.
I felt good at practice Saturday. I really did. And church was awesome yesterday. I can do this with You.

Melissa was really starting to believe her conversation with God as she pulled on her jeans, stiff from the dryer. She didn’t feel brave, but she wasn’t petrified either. She pulled on her favorite yellow sweater. It somehow made her feel thin and confident and even seemed to make her hair look shinier and sleeker.

She went downstairs to find Mom and Dad sitting at the breakfast table. Her bagel, banana, and juice were made and waiting for her.

She looked from Mom to Dad. She had grown accustomed to having a watchdog at meals, but both of them was a bit much.

Dad shrugged. “We decided we kind of like getting up early.”

“And we definitely like starting our day together,” Mom said, handing everyone a napkin. “Dad and I even thought we could start praying as a family in the mornings to get centered before we all go our separate ways.”

Melissa nodded as she slid into her seat.

Mom sat down next to her and said, “Well, let’s see. Should we hold hands?”

Melissa, Dad, and Mom formed a circle. Dad’s hand was rough and hairy but warm and large and comforting. Mom’s smooth, cold, slender fingers squeezed Melissa’s as she began to pray. “Dear God, please be with us today. Please be with Tom as he goes to work that he may maintain Christian values in the workplace. Please be with me as I go to tennis that I may refrain from gossip and stay true to You. And please be with Mel as she goes back to school. Let her know that You love her and that we love her too.” Mom tried to act casual, but she choked up at the end of the prayer. Melissa’s eyes misted too. Even Dad cleared his throat before saying, “Amen.”