Skinny Bitch (8 page)

Well, there you have it. Fruits and vegetables are the answer.

And unless you are an idiot who wants cancer, obesity, and enlarged organs, organic is the way to go. You are what you eat.

Chapter 7

The Myths and Lies

About Protein

If we had a penny for every time some meathead asked us, “So where do you get your protein?” we’d be richer than Oprah.

Have you ever, ever, ever, in your entire life, heard of anyone suffering from a protein deficiency? Did you ever see an elephant, moose, or giraffe jonesing for a protein fix? If you weren’t blacked out on bourbon for the past three chapters, you should know by now: It is a complete myth that we need a massive amount of protein. Too much protein—especially animal protein—can impair our kidneys; leach calcium, zinc, vitamin B, iron, and magnesium from our bodies; and cause osteoporosis, heart disease, cancer, and obesity. In addition, high amounts of protein can damage our tissues, organs, and cells, contributing to faster aging.143 Yikes!

Know this: People in other cultures consume half the amount of protein that we do, yet they live longer, healthier lives.144

Although too much is harmful, protein is still vital to our health.

Protein produces enzymes, hormones, neurotransmitters, and anti-bodies; replaces worn out cells; transports various substances throughout the body; and aids in growth and repair.145

So how much protein do we really need? Well, depending who you ask, that number varies anywhere from 18 to 60 grams a day.

But one thing is certain: Vegetarians need not worry. Researchers at Harvard found that vegetarians (who don’t live on junk food) get adequate amounts of protein in their diets.146 The American Dietetic Association reports that eating a vegetarian diet provides twice the amount of protein needed daily.147 In his book,
Optimal
Health,
Dr. Patrick Holford explains that “most people are in more danger of eating too much protein than too little.”148 So pick something else to be neurotic about.

How do vegans get protein? Simply. We eat lentils, beans, nuts, seeds, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and soy products (edamame, tofu, imitation cheeses and meats). When you eat well-balanced meals consisting of these foods, you are guaranteed to get sufficient protein. For example, for lunch, if you had a soy burger on a whole grain bun with avocado and tomato and a small side salad, you’d get 22 grams of protein. See how easy? If you want an extra boost, treat yourself to spirulina, a high-protein algae that contains omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids, B-12 (important for vegetarians), enzymes, and minerals. It also supports the immune system, fights cancer, and helps with hypoglycemia, anemia, ulcers, diabetes, and chronic fatigue syndrome. Spirulina also contains all nine essential amino acids.149

Amino acids, huh? Yep. There are twenty amino acids. Our bodies produce eleven, and the other nine essential amino acids can be obtained through food. Amino acids are the building blocks of protein. And yes, protein does build muscle. But even if you work out and want to build muscle, you don’t need to overdose on animal protein (a ridiculous myth perpetuated by the health club industry).

Bear in mind, some top athletes are vegetarians: Chris Campbell is an Olympic wrestling champion; Keith Holmes, a world-champion middleweight boxer; Bill Mannetti, a power-lifting champion; Bill Pearl, a four-time Mr. Universe; Andres Cahling, a champion body-builder and Olympic gold medalist in the ski jump; Art Still, a Hall of Famer and MVP defensive end for the NFL; Martina Navratilova, a tennis champion; and Dr. Ruth Heidrich, a six-time Ironwoman, age-group record holder, USA track and field Master’s Champion, and vegan.150

Another common myth that has since been debunked is the “food combining” theory. Animal flesh proteins are “complete,” meaning they contain all nine essential amino acids in amounts similar to those found in human flesh. Plants have all these amino acids, too, just in slightly different amounts. It was previously believed that in order to create complete proteins from vegetarian foods, you needed to combine them in specific ways. For example, it was said rice and beans had to be eaten together to maximize their protein potential. However, it is now known that eating a vari-ety of foods from plant sources provides all the building blocks we need. Further, the microorganisms and recycled cells in our intestinal tracts make complete proteins for us.151 All we have to do is eat healthy, balanced diets.

An integral part of any healthy, balanced diet is fat. Don’t cringe.

Fat doesn’t always mean fattening. Essential fatty acids provide us with energy and offer protection from heart disease, stroke, and high blood pressure. They also combat allergies, premenstrual syndrome, arthritis, and skin problems.152 Our brilliant bodies make all the essential fatty acids we need, except for two: linoleic and linolenic acids, also known as omega-3 and omega-6.153 These
good fats
are found in olive oil, sesame oil, canola oil, flaxseed oil, hempseed oil, evening primrose oil, raw nuts and seeds, and avocados. So quit listening to all the stupid bitches who boycott nuts, oils, and avocados because they think they’re fattening. Even though they’re high in fat, they will not make you fat (unless you totally overdose on them).

Unsaturated fats such as these are good for your body, and when eaten as part of a well-balanced vegan diet, they don’t make you fat!

It’s the saturated fats, found in meat, dairy, and hydrogenated oils that make you fat. Think about the source of the oils or fats and use your head. Do you think an avocado, which is a fruit, is going to turn you into a hippo? Common sense, bitches.

Chapter 8

Pooping

Pinch a loaf. Lay cable. Drop the kids off at the pool.

Let’s face it; there is no greater pleasure than taking a big, steamy dump. But shitting isn’t just for kicks. It is a vital tool for weight loss and optimal health. Basic math, girls. How much are you putting in your mouth, and how much is coming out your ass? Now that you’ve learned the right foods to eat and which ones to avoid, you should be a dynamo in the bathroom. But if your hiney is only expelling little rabbit turds, something’s gotta give.

Earlier, we mentioned that drinking lots of water helps rid your body of waste. We can’t emphasize the importance of this enough.

Drink, drink, drink. But if you want to take tyrannosaurus-sized dumps, it’s also imperative to eat foods rich in fiber, like whole grain cereals and breads, brown rice, corn, barley, rye, buckwheat, millet, oats, fruits, vegetables (especially root vegetables, like carrots), beans, and seeds. Avoid foods that have little or no fiber, like meat, eggs, cheese, milk, and processed, refined foods. These can clog up your ass. (It is a myth that bananas are binding. Eat ’em.) Fiber isn’t just for shits and giggles, either. It offers protection from appendicitis, Candida, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, gallstones, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), and colitis.154 Fibrous foods also help normalize our blood-sugar levels, satiate food cravings, and make us feel fuller so that we don’t overeat.155 Fiber even fights colon and colorectal cancer, prostate cancer, and breast cancer: If we don’t make ca-ca quickly enough, our putrefying food stays in our bodies, increasing the likelihood of the production of carcinogenic substances. So eat your fiber, and crap like a champ. 156

Another way to get your bowels brewing is to pay special attention to the order in which you are eating foods. For example, foods that digest quickly and easily should be eaten by themselves and early in the day. Fruit for breakfast. Salad and/or vegetables for lunch. These foods will pass through your body at lightning speeds.

Dinner should be your “heaviest” meal. Follow these simple rules and you’ll be depositing six-inchers in no time. If you’re already a quality dumper, feel free to disregard this paragraph.

But, if you still need an extra kick in the ass, up your bean intake. Beware: you might have a mudslide in your pants if you’re not careful. If you’re not accustomed to beans, ease in slowly and be sure you are near a toilet.

If your deuce-dropping still needs work, do not take laxatives.

Yes, they make you poop, but they don’t solve the underlying problem of why you’re not pooping in the first place. Most laxatives are gastro-intestinal irritants—even the natural ones.157 Stop looking for a quick fix. Just continue to drink a lot of water, exercise, and eat right, shitheads.

Chapter 9

Have No Faith:

Governmental Agencies

Don’t Give a Shit

About Your Health

The USDA: It’s Not What You Think

President Abraham Lincoln founded the U.S. Department of Agriculture in 1862—when the majority of people were farmers and needed to exchange information about seeds and crops. In other words, the USDA was created to help farmers.

According to its web site, now, among other things, the USDA is responsible for “the safety of meat, poultry, and egg products.”158

Hmm. That’s weird. ’Cause many high-ranking staff members at the USDA were employed by, or are otherwise affiliated with, the meat and dairy industries.159 And if the group responsible for “the safety of meat, poultry, and egg products” is run by people from the same industries they’re supposed to be protecting us from . . . well, that would be a conflict of interest.
And it is.
An enormous, ridiculous, outrageous, catastrophic conflict of interest.

One former USDA Secretary was forced to resign amid charges of accepting illegal corporate gifts from seven different companies.

He was indicted on thirty-nine felony counts, including tampering with a witness; accepting illegal gratuities; making false statements; and violating the Meat Inspection Act of 1907. (Tyson Foods, one of the companies that admitted to giving the Secretary corporate favors, was required to pay $4 million in fines and endure four years’ probation. A mere slap on the wrist, when the USDA could’ve barred Tyson from selling food to military bases and schools. That would’ve really stung, considering Tyson sold more than $10 million worth of food to the Defense Department alone in 1996.160 But friends don’t treat each other that way.) President George W. Bush’s Agriculture Secretary from January 2001 until January 2005, Ann Veneman, not only had ties with the company responsible for producing the controversial bovine growth hormone, (BGH), but she was also linked to a major meatpacking corporation.161 The buck doesn’t stop there. She employed a spokes-woman who was the former public relations director for the Cattlemen’s Beef Association, a chief of staff who used to be its head lobbyist, a former president of the National Pork Producers Council, and former executives from the meatpacking industry, just to name a few.162

Safety Last

With that in mind, it’s no wonder Veneman vetoed a program that would test all U.S. cattle for mad cow disease. In fact, out of the 35 million cattle slaughtered in 2003, the USDA only tested 20,000 for mad cow disease. (Japan tests
all
of their cattle killed for human consumption.)163 Of course it wouldn’t be in a rancher’s best interest to test all of his cattle. If they were inflicted with mad cow disease, he couldn’t sell their meat, and he’d lose money. Heaven forbid the USDA risk a rancher’s profits.