Skulduggery Pleasant (2 page)

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"Where are your shoes, dear?"

He looked down at his socks--one brown, one navy--and his clouded expression cleared. He gave them the thumbs-up and disappeared from view.

"That man," her mother said, shaking her head. "Did you know he once lost a shopping center?"

"He what?"

"I never told you that? It was the first big contract he got; his company did a wonderful job, and he was driving his clients to see it when it was done, and he forgot where he put it. He drove around for almost an hour until he saw something he recognized. He may be a very talented engineer, but I swear, he's got the attention span of a goldfish. So unlike Gordon."

"They weren't very alike, were they?"

Her mother smiled. "It wasn't always that way. They used to do everything together. The three of them were inseparable."

"What, even Fergus?"

"Even Fergus. But when your grandmother died, they all drifted apart. Gordon started mixing with a strange crowd after that."

"Strange in what way?"

"Ah, they probably just appeared strange to us,"

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her mother said with a small laugh. "Your father was getting started in the construction business and I was in college, and we were what you might call normal. Gordon resisted being normal, and his friends, they kind of scared us. We never knew-what they were into, but we knew it wasn't anything ..."

"Normal."

"Exactly. They scared your dad most of all, though."

"Why?"

Stephanie's father walked out of the house, shoes on, and closed the front door after him.

"I think he was more like Gordon than he liked to let on," her mother said quietly, and then her dad got into the car.

"Okay," he said proudly. "I'm ready."

They looked at him as he nodded, pleased with himself. He strapped on the seat belt and turned the key. The engine purred to life. Stephanie waved to Jasper, an eight-year-old boy with unfortunate ears, as her dad backed out onto the road and put the car in gear, and they were off, narrowly missing their trash can as they went.

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The drive to the lawyer's office in Dublin City took a little over an hour, and they arrived twenty minutes late. They were led up a flight of creaky stairs to a small office that was too warm to be comfortable, with a large window that offered a wonderful view of the brick wall across the street. Fergus and Beryl were already there, and they showed their displeasure at having been kept waiting by looking at their watches and scowling. Stephanie's parents took the remaining chairs, and Stephanie stood behind them as the lawyer peered at them all through cracked spectacles.

"Now can we get started?" Beryl snapped.

The lawyer, a short man named Mr. Fedgewick, with the girth and appearance of a sweaty bowling ball, tried smiling. "We still have one more person to wait on," he said, and Fergus's eyes bulged.

"Who?" he demanded. "There can't be anyone else; we are the only siblings Gordon had. Who is it? It's not some charity, is it? I've never trusted charities. They always want something from you."

"It's . . . it's not a charity," Mr. Fedgewick said. "He did say, however, that he might be a little late."

"Who said?" Stephanie's father asked, and the solicitor looked down at the file open before him.

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"A most unusual name, this," he said. "It seems we are waiting on one Mr. Skulduggery Pleasant."

"Well, who on Earth is that?" asked Beryl, irritated. "He sounds like a ... he sounds like a . . . Fergus, what does he sound like?"

"He sounds like a weirdo," Fergus said, glaring at Fedgewick. "He's not a weirdo, is he?"

"I really couldn't say," Fedgewick answered, his paltry excuse for a smile failing miserably under the glares he was getting from Fergus and Beryl. "But I'm sure he'll be along soon."

Fergus frowned, narrowing his beady eyes as much as was possible. "How are you sure?"

Fedgewick faltered, unable to offer a reason, and then the door opened and the man in the tan overcoat entered the room.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, closing the door behind him. "It was unavoidable, I'm afraid."

Everyone in the room stared at him, stared at the scarf and the gloves and the sunglasses and the wild fuzzy hair. It was a glorious day outside, certainly hot the kind of weather to be wrapped up like that. Stephanie looked closer at the hair. From this range, it didn't even look real.

The lawyer cleared his throat. "Um, you are Skulduggery Pleasant?"

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"At your service," the man said. Stephanie could listen to that voice all day. Her mother, uncertain as she was, had smiled her greetings, but her father was looking at him with an expression of wariness she had never seen on his face before. After a moment, the expression left him and he nodded politely and looked back to Mr. Fedgewick. Fergus and Beryl were still staring.

"Do you have something wrong with your face?" Beryl asked.

Mr. Fedgewick cleared his throat again. "Okay, then, let's get down to business, now that we're all here. Excellent. Good. This, of course, being the last will and testament of Gordon Edgley, last revised almost one year ago. Gordon has been a client of mine for the past twenty years, and in that time, I got to know him well, so let me pass on to you, his family and--and friend, my deepest, deepest--"

"Yes yes yes," Fergus interrupted, waving his hand in the air. "Can we just skip this part? We're already running behind schedule. Let's go to the part where we get stuff. Who gets the house? And who gets the villa?"

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"Who gets the fortune?" Beryl asked, leaning forward in her seat.

"The royalties," Fergus said. "Who gets the royalties from the books?"

Stephanie glanced at Skulduggery Pleasant from the corner of her eye. He was standing back against the wall, hands in his pockets, looking at the lawyer. Well, he seemed to be looking at the lawyer; with those sunglasses, he could have been looking anywhere. She returned her gaze to Mr. Fedgewick as he picked up a page from his desk and read from it.

"To my brother Fergus, and his beautiful wife, Beryl,'" he read, and Stephanie did her best to hide a grin, "'I leave my car, and my boat, and a gift.'"

Fergus and Beryl blinked. "His car?" Fergus said. "His boat? Why would he leave me his boat?"

"You hate the water," Beryl said, anger rising in her voice. "You get seasick."

"I do get seasick," Fergus snapped, "and he knew that!"

"And we already have a car," Beryl said.

"And we already have a car!" Fergus repeated.

Beryl was sitting so far up on her chair that she was almost on the desk. "This gift," she said, her voice low and threatening, "is it the fortune?"

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Mr. Fedgewick coughed nervously and took a small box from his desk drawer and slid it toward them. They looked at this box. They looked some more. They both reached for it at the same time, and Stephanie watched them slap at each other's hands until Beryl snatched it off the desk and tore the lid open.

"What is it?" Fergus asked in a small voice. "Is it a key to a safety-deposit box? Is it, is it an account number? Is it. . . what is it? Wife, what is it?"

All color had drained from Beryl's face, and her hands were shaking. She blinked hard to keep the tears away; then she turned the box for everyone to see, and everyone saw a brooch, about the size of a drinks coaster, nestled on a plush cushion. Fergus stared at it.

"It doesn't even have any jewels on it," Beryl said, her voice strangled. Fergus opened his mouth wide like a startled fish, and turned to Mr. Fedgewick.

"What else do we get?" he asked, panicking.

Mr. Fedgewick tried another smile. "Your, uh, your brother's love?"

Stephanie heard a high-pitched whine, and it took her a moment to realize it was coming

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from Beryl. Mr. Fedgewick returned his attention to the' will, trying to ignore the horrified looks he was getting from Fergus and his wife.

"To my good friend and guide Skulduggery Pleasant, I leave the following advice: Your path is your own, and I have no wish to sway you, but sometimes the greatest enemy we can face is ourselves, and the greatest battle is against the darkness within. There is a storm coming, and sometimes the key to safe harbor is hidden from us, and sometimes it is right before our eyes.'"

Stephanie joined in with everyone else as they stared at Mr. Pleasant. She had known there was something different about him, had known it the first moment she saw him--there was something exotic, something mysterious, something dangerous. For his part, his head dipped lower, and that was the only reaction he gave. He offered no explanations as to what Gordon's message meant.

Fergus patted his wife's knee. "See, Beryl? A car, a boat, a brooch; it's not that bad. He could have given us some stupid advice."

"Oh shut up, would you?" Beryl snarled, and Fergus recoiled in his chair.

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Mr. Fedgewick read on. "To my other brother, Desmond, the lucky one of the family: I leave to you your wife; I think you might like her.'" Stephanie saw her parents clasp each other's hands and smile sadly. "'So now that you've successfully stolen my girlfriend, maybe you'd like to take her to my villa in France, which I am also leaving to you.'"

"They get the villa?" Beryl cried, jumping to her feet.

"Beryl," Fergus said, "please ..."

"Do you know how much that villa is worth?" Beryl continued, looking like she might lunge at Stephanie's parents. "We get a brooch, they get a villa? There are only three of them! We've got Carol and Crystal! We have more! We could do with the extra space! Why do they deserve the villa?" She thrust the box toward them. "Swap!"

"Mrs. Edgley, please retake your seat or we shall be unable to continue," Mr. Fedgewick said, and eventually, after much bug-eyed glaring, Beryl sat down.

"Thank you," Mr. Fedgewick said, looking like he had had quite enough excitement for one day. He licked his lips, adjusted his glasses, and peered again at the will. "'If there is

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one regret that I have had in my life, it is that I never fathered any children. There are times, when I look at what Fergus and Beryl have produced, when I consider myself fortunate, but there are also times when it breaks my heart. And so, finally, to my niece Stephanie.'"

Stephanie's eyes widened. What? She was getting something? Leaving the villa to her parents wasn't enough for Gordon?

Fedgewick continued reading. "'The world is bigger than you know, and scarier than you might imagine. The only currency worth anything is being true to yourself, and the only goal worth seeking is finding out who you truly are.'"

She could feel Fergus and Beryl glaring at her, and she did her best to ignore them.

'"Make your parents proud, and make them glad to have you living under their roof, because I leave to you my property and possessions, my assets and my royalties, to be inherited on the day you turn eighteen. I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that, in my own way, I love you all, even those I don't particularly like. That's you, Beryl.'"

Mr. Fedgewick took off his spectacles and looked up.

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Stephanie became aware that everyone was staring at her, and she hadn't a clue what she was supposed to say. Fergus was again doing his startled-fish impression, and Beryl was pointing one long, bony finger at her, trying to speak but failing. Her parents were looking at her in stunned surprise. Only Skulduggery Pleasant moved, walking behind her and gently touching her arm.

"Congratulations," he said, and moved on toward the door. As soon as it clicked shut behind him, Beryl found her voice.

"Her?" she screamed. "Her?"

Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Little Girl, All Alone

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THAT AFTERNOON STEPHANIE and her mother made the fifteen-minute drive from Haggard to Gordon's estate. Her mum opened the front door and stepped back.

"Owner of the house goes first," she said with a little smile and a bow, and Stephanie stepped inside. She wasn't thinking of this house as her property; the idea was too big, too silly. Even if her parents were, technically, the custodians until she turned eighteen, how could she own a house? How many other twelve-year-olds owned houses?

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No, it was too silly an idea. Too far-fetched. Too crazy. Exactly the kind of thing that Gordon would have thought made perfect sense.

The house was big and quiet and empty as they walked through it. Everything seemed new to her now, and Stephanie found herself reacting differently to the furniture and carpets and paintings. Did she like it? Did she agree with this color, or that fabric? One thing that had to be said for Gordon: He had a good eye. Stephanie's mother said there was very little she would change if she had to. Some of the paintings were a little too unnerving for her taste, maybe, but on the whole the furnishings were elegant and understated, exuding a class that befitted a house of this stature.

They hadn't decided what they were going to do. Any decision to do with this house was left up to Stephanie, but her parents still had the villa to consider. Owning three houses between them seemed a bit much. Her father had suggested selling the villa, but her mother hated the thought of letting go of a place so idyllic.

They had also talked about Stephanie's education, and she knew that conversation was far from over. The moment they had left Mr. Fedgewick's office, they warned her not to let

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all this go to her head. Recent events, they had said, should not mean she could stop studying, stop planning for college. She needed to be independent, they said; she needed to make it on her own.

Stephanie let them talk, and nodded occasionally and muttered an agreement where an agreement was appropriate. She didn't bother to explain that she knew she needed college, knew she needed to find her own way in the world, because if she didn't, she'd never escape Haggard. She wasn't about to throw her future away simply because she was going to come into some money.

She and her mother spent so long looking around the ground floor that by the time they got to the bottom of the stairs, it was already five o'clock. With their exploring done for the day, they locked up and walked toward the car. A first few drops of rain splattered against the windshield as they got in. Stephanie clicked her seat belt closed, and her mother turned the key in the ignition.

The car spluttered a bit, groaned a little, and then shut up altogether. Her mother looked at her.

"Uh-oh."

They both got out and went around to the front and opened the hood.