Sleepers (6 page)

Mags sighed and I looked up at her again.

“I’m upsetting you, aren’t I?” she asked.

“I just don’t know what to think.” I sat down on the side of the bed. “Most of my life I’ve believed everything I was taught. Why would I think any different? But lately I wonder how much of it is true.”

“It’s normal.” Mags patted my hand. I softened at her touch. “As we get older, we’re bound to start forming our own opinions. Besides, how can we be expected to believe in something we’ve never seen?”

I wanted to tell her everything I knew. I wanted to tell her she was right, that she could help us. But I held back. It was too soon. I’d only known for a few hours and telling her, when I had so little information, could be disastrous for both of us.

“I don’t like all of this secrecy today,” Mags said. Her lips formed a pout. “I thought we were best friends.” She tilted her head and stared at me. “Are you okay? You seem different and not in a happy way. I’d expect if you’d spent the night with Kellan you’d be floating on air.”

I stiffened again. She knew me too well and I wanted so much to confide in her. But I couldn’t. Not yet.

“I’m just tired.” I feigned a yawn. Mags reached over to pick up Trevin and I swore she rolled her eyes. But today wasn’t the day for me to call her on it, not when I needed my privacy so much.

“If you’re so tired, then I’ll just dismiss you for the rest of the day,” Mags said, snuggling her face onto Trevin’s head. It was a comforting movement, for herself, not Trevin. I’d seen her do it a thousand times with the other two boys.

My face burned with shame.

“I don’t mind staying,” I insisted. I suddenly craved normalcy. I didn’t want to think about the anger I felt. I just wanted to be with my best friend and her son.

“Forget it, Lianne,” Mags said. “The reason I keep you here so much is because I enjoy your company. But today, you’re not yourself. Just go and when you come back tomorrow please bring back your old personality. I miss you.”

I nodded and heaved myself off the bed.

“And get Heather to help me today. I’m not ready to see Albree just yet either.”

I placed my hand on the door and looked back at Mags with Trevin. She loved him, anyone could see that. But I saw something different. I saw a girl whose life had been ripped away from her.
A girl who’d been forced into slavery, no matter how lush the dresses and baubles.
A girl who had no freedom.

A girl like me.

Mags looked up at me again and she gave me a small smile.

“Don’t forget. Tomorrow the Lianne I know and love better show up.”

I nodded, echoing her smile, but at the same moment a tear fell down my cheek. I wanted revenge but I wanted to protect my friend who sat in the middle of it all.

I walked through the castle, smiling at everyone I passed. Even if I didn’t know their names, they knew me. I was the only female adoptee and I’d gained the favoritism of the queen. There were few places I could go without being seen. Blending in was beyond my skills. However, I had mastered the fake smile well.

There was one place in Fithia I could go where no one could find me.

As soon as I passed the castle gates, I broke into a run. I felt my body relax into a rhythm as my shoes pounded the grass below me, my fists gripping the rough fabric of my dress. I’d been this way many times before and I weaved in and out of the birch trees, never missing a step. Their bark peeled, revealing layers of black beneath the white, reminding me of my feelings. Pure on top, but now so riddled with darkness underneath.

After a few minutes of running at a steady pace, I came to a clearing not far beyond the tree line and slowed to a stop. The carpeted grove with small yellow flowers growing from the groundcover smelled like Trevin when he came out of the bath. So clean, so pure, so untouched. I smiled, for real, for the first time since waking up.

The anger remained, but I was down there too. It hadn’t overtaken me. Mags would have been thrilled to see the smile on my face.

I stood still, feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent. My arms hung at my sides, bent at the elbows. I rested my wrists just above my hips, hands in a fist, and I lowered into a lunge.

When I first began practicing meditation, my muscles would burn with the strain of holding my body still. Now they relaxed into a position they’d become more than comfortable with. My breath flowed in through my nose and out through my mouth. My eyes fluttered closed and all the muscles in my face relaxed.

I held this pose for fifty breaths, relaxing more with each exhale.

For years Kellan wondered how I was able to hold myself so steady during sparring. He’d never learned how to relax when Aric taught us basic meditation. In fact, Kellan’s continual squirming and inability to sit still forced Aric to give up completely. But I’d continued my practice every day in private until I’d mastered it.

Meditation was my advantage, my secret weapon. If an opponent couldn’t ruffle me, I couldn’t lose. Between two warriors of equal skill, mental control tipped the balance. A warrior who controlled her emotions and her breath always won, never giving in to the feint.

I punched my right fist and stepped forward with my right foot. Moving into the sequence brought me even greater peace and clarity. I’d learned this early too. Kellan had given up. It was another advantage I had over him. It wasn’t just my control over my emotions, but my control over my whole body. Aric told us when we were children that learning these moves would make us better warriors. I was the only one who’d believed him, but I didn’t tell him. I practiced in secret, in my hidden grove, for years until I had it right.

I’d never been beaten in a fight since.

The motions were second nature to me now. A punch combined with a step. A hand sliced through the air like a knife while spinning the opposite direction. It was the dance of the warrior and I knew all the steps.

Normally my practice helped clear my mind. No problem was too big to be solved during active meditation. But today proved different.

Executing a punch always led me directly to the next move, but instead of turning I stepped forward with my left foot. I stopped, losing the concentration I’d practiced so many years to perfect. Bringing myself back to center, back to the beginning of my meditation, I tried again.

Right punch.
Right foot forward.
Punch to the side while spinning to the right.

Again, failure.
My feet tangled up as I spun the wrong direction. Losing my balance, I fell to the ground. I punched the soft grass. Tears spilled again. I’d cried more today than in the last year.

If I couldn’t calm myself on the inside, how could I calm myself on the outside? The two worked together and right now my emotions were a mess.

I blamed the Awakening. While I’d felt clarity at first, I couldn’t help but question my objectives after spending time with Mags. I couldn’t I harm her baby boys. They were so innocent. Given the chance, they could be raised properly, learning to honor and respect people different from them.

The anger inside swelled. If their father continued to be any part of their lives, they would never have a chance, no matter how influential Mags tried to be. Boys didn’t listen to their mothers who scolded and taught a gentler way of life. No, their fathers who yelled and screamed and bullied and allowed the boys free reign would always win out.

I rolled over, using the grass as my bed.
My arms out to the sides, palms up toward the clouds.
My legs rested slightly apart, feet relaxed at the ankles. Corpse pose, Aric called this. I let the breaths enter and leave my body as I melted into the ground.

I wanted to save Mags and the boys while still doing away with the king, but I didn’t know if Kellan would understand. He had to see how ridiculous it was to kill innocent little boys. His anger couldn’t be so deep that he’d raise a hand against children.

But if he didn’t agree, then I might lose everything. He wouldn’t love me anymore and right now, his love encompassed most of my thoughts. I didn’t want to go back to being the girl he spent all his time with but didn’t notice.

The sun moved across the trees, leaving streaks to filter through to the ground. I didn’t know how much time passed, but I was ready to go back. To find Kellan, make sense of our mission, and reconcile it with my heart.

I arrived at the castle, hoping to find Kellan on a break from helping Aric. Fighting was a tiring occupation, particularly for the men who carried the weapons and helped the soldiers arm themselves. Warriors might only train for a few hours, but their subordinates worked at it all day long. I sometimes wondered if they might make better soldiers because of their constant heavy labor.

But before I could find Kellan, I saw Bryden sitting on a nearby bench. He looked up from the work splayed on his lap and his eyes narrowed. He laid the book and quill on the bench next to him. With a little difficulty he pulled himself to standing and walked toward me. I tried not to look at his damaged leg, dragging slightly behind him. I’d heard whispers that our magic could have saved him, but since we were allowed no contact with our people, he’d had to recover on his own. The Fithian healers had no luck in helping him, though I wondered now how hard they tried.

“Lianne,” he called, waving to me. “It’s your birthday. How do you feel?”

He couldn’t know anything; he wasn’t sixteen yet. But it was so strange he asked that. Almost as if he knew.

“I’m fine,” I muttered. I didn’t know how to make him go away without being rude. I refused to look in his eyes, instead focusing on the space over his shoulder. Kellan had to be out there somewhere.

“We need to talk.” He moved his head into my line of vision. “I have to know if you know.” No one was looking at us.
Invisible as always.
We stood out if we drew attention to ourselves, but when we were quiet, we turned into ghosts.

“I don’t know anything, Bryden. Really. Now I have to keep moving. I’m running an errand for the queen.”

“No you aren’t,” he hissed. “You think I don’t know? You and Kellan aren’t the only Dalagans here. I can tell when you’re lying, Lianne. I’ve been able to tell since we were children. Besides, I already know you’ve been dismissed for the day. I know you were out hiding in your secret grove. And I know that you know our purpose now too. I can see it in your eyes, Lianne.”

I blinked, wondering how my eyes betrayed me.

“Come with me.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. “I’m going to talk to Kellan and you’re coming with me. We need to figure this out together.”

Bryden ripped his arm out of my grasp. I looked at him in surprise. Not just at his refusal, but at the strength of his arm. I wouldn’t have guessed he’d be so strong for a scribe.

“I don’t trust Kellan and you shouldn’t either,” he said. “I can read him as well as I can read you. When he had his Awakening something snapped. He’s not the person he used to be, Lianne.”

I stared at Bryden, not knowing what else to do. Kellan was angrier, but he also fell in love with me after his Awakening. He’d changed, but it wasn’t all bad. Part of it was better than good, it was amazing. He loved me now, just like I’d always loved him.

“He only wants what’s best for our people,” I whispered.

“He only wants what’s best for him,” Bryden countered. “You can’t trust him.”

“Why should I believe you?” I asked. “We haven’t been friends since we were children. You’re the one who broke up our friendship. Why do you care so much now?”

Bryden grabbed my arm, yanking on it, and urging me to sit down with him on a nearby bench. I wondered if he was tired from standing for so long. His limp became more pronounced as we walked to the bench.

“I’m not sixteen yet,” Bryden continued once we were settled on the wooden slab, “but I had my
Awakening
already. My accident triggered the Awakening. I think it’s because I was so close to death. Three of our people came to me late one night while I slept in my bed. They begged me not to tell anyone.”

“You’ve known for almost ten years?” I asked. I thought back to the little boy I used to play with on a daily basis. I’d been better friends with him than Kellan but after his accident, Bryden had changed.

Whereas he’d once been a happy little boy, after the accident he lashed out at everyone around him. We’d all assumed it was his anger over his leg. But now, I saw a different picture. A little boy, burdened not only with a lame leg but also the weight of his people’s struggles and their desperation for freedom. Knowing that he had no one to confide in and his only two allies wouldn’t be awakened for ten more years. It must have seemed an eternity to him.

I threw my arms around Bryden, finding it the only useful way to express myself. His arms made a tentative circle around my body and I only squeezed him harder, resting my head on his shoulder. Being in his embrace was so different from Kellan’s rough, possessive grasp.

“I wish I would have known.” I pulled away, surprised at the tenderness of his embrace. “For the first year I cried because you wouldn’t see me anymore. I didn’t care that your leg was lame, there were so many other games we could have played sitting down.”