Sleeping Beauty (87 page)

Her eyes still closed, she lifted her face to his. The low murmur of his voice stopped. His lips touched hers, lightly, as a breeze might at evening. Anne's mouth opened. And then Josh's mouth softly, slowly joined him to her, breathing with her, his touch, like his voice, flowing through her and gathering her to the one enclosed place within his arms. He tightened his arms around her, and slowly, his tongue met hers.

Anne felt the shock of it; her tongue fluttered briefly, looking for escape. But Josh stayed where he was. He did not force her but neither did he move away, and in a moment Anne met him. Suddenly, she wanted to feel his body tight against hers, and tighter still; she strained against him, knowing that, for the first time, she was feeling passion. She freed an arm from the tightness of their embrace and held him, her fingers in his hair. Her tongue twined with his. She felt a freedom that filled her with exultation.

A small sound escaped her, and Josh raised his head. “I love you,” she said. The words hovered in the air. It was the first time she had said them freely since she was a child.

“Dear God,” Josh murmured. It was like a prayer. He shook his head slowly, in wonder. “All the times I dreamed of hearing you say that, and that you would come to me freely . . . and I was never sure it would happen.”

“I thought it wouldn't,” Anne said. A quick shudder went through her. “I couldn't imagine that it could be different.”

“It has nothing to do with anything else,” Josh said, the words driven by the anger still within him, slow to leave. “We'll make our own way and our own discoveries; we'll make our own love.” He smiled. “We have to come to terms with our pasts, but we don't have to bring them into the bedroom.”

Anne returned his smile. “We won't have any of your ghosts either? None of your old shadows?”

“Not even a fragment of a memory. There's just now, this moment, and the two of us alone, and one of the world's eternal rivers beneath us.” He stood, bringing her with him,
and they held each other close. Anne's face lay against his shoulder; her eyes were closed again. The silence settled around them.

We'll make our own discoveries. Our own love.

The quick shudder ran through her body again.
No! I won't be afraid.
She had felt the exultation of freedom; she had wanted his touch. It's time, she thought. She raised her chin, as if steeling herself, and took Josh's hand. They turned and walked across the deck and through the lounge, to his stateroom.

A wall sconce cast a fan of pale ivory light toward the ceiling; the rest of the room was in shadows. Josh closed the door behind them and locked it. He turned to Anne and took her hands, studying her. In the dim light, he saw a glint of determination in her eyes and a tilt of her head that was not what he would have called romantic. His heart ached with pity for her. There was no way he could know exactly what she was going through; he could guess, he could love her and try to help her, but he could not share it. It was her battle, and she would have to fight much of it alone. She had fought a lot of them, and always completely alone. But she wasn't alone now; at least that much had changed. And now they both knew that there were fires in her that were waiting to leap to life. It would take a while; they had been banked for too long. But they would burn again, and consume them both.

“My dear love,” Josh said softly, giving her time. “I want you to be part of me; I want us to be part of each other.”

A sigh broke from Anne. She wanted his touch, she wanted to be in his arms. Josh kissed her, a long, gentle kiss, and then he turned her and unfastened the button at the back of her gold caftan.

Take off your pajamas, I want to see you.

No! Anne cried silently. No, no, no!

And then the memory was gone, and she was standing in the soft light of Josh's stateroom, her hands at her sides, feeling the warmth of his palms pushing the silk from her shoulders, down her arms, past her waist and hips. “My God, you are so wonderfully beautiful,” he murmured.

Once again Anne let his voice soothe her. The cool air from the open window curled over her skin as Josh slipped off her silk underclothes, and she felt no shame, only a swift pleasure in her strong, lithe body that she had cared for so well for twenty-five years.

But then she was staring at Josh's jacket and white shirt.
I have too many clothes on. For Christ's sake, take off my clothes.

No! she cried again. Stop, please, please stop.

And then, again, it was gone. Josh was taking off his clothes, swiftly and easily, and Anne watched him with wonder. He made it seem so simple; there were no demands on her at all. And when he put his arms around her and for the first time in her life she felt the long line of a man's naked body against hers without force, she nestled against him in gratitude. The passion she had felt earlier had disappeared in those moments of panic; her openness and wanting were gone, and so was that brief moment of exultation in her freedom. But she had gratitude, and she clung to that: Josh would not force her to do anything.

They stood without moving for a long time, their bodies close and warm, the cool breeze touching them lightly. Then Josh took Anne's hand and led her to the wide bed covered with a finely woven throw. He pulled it back and drew her with him to the smooth sheets, and lay beside her, leaning on his elbow. Anne felt him watching her. She saw the angle of his arm and the pulse in his throat, and suddenly the room seemed to darken. Her thoughts stopped; her body moved of its own volition. She sat up and bent over Josh, and with cold precision her skillful mouth closed on his penis.

Appalled, Josh wrenched away. And Anne jerked back as if she had been stung. She was crying bitterly, and she pulled herself into a fetal ball in the corner of the bed, shaking her head over and over, cold and alone.

“No,” Josh said. “You're not alone.” He sat beside her and tried to make her look at him. Her eyes slid past him. “Anne, listen to me.” She was still shaking her head, and he took her hand, gripping it when she tried to pull away. “I'm
going to talk and I hope you'll listen. There are two of us here, and whatever we do, we do together. And we do what we want, there's no
should
or
ought
or
have to
between us. Do you understand that? There aren't any rules; there is nothing here but our own desire. And love. I love you, Anne, and you love me, and we are going to love each other. We're not acting out another life in another time; we're not following anyone else's script. And you're not walking in the footsteps you made when you were a girl. You're a different person now, and you're with me, and the two of us are creating something that never existed before. No one, no memory, can stop that from happening. There isn't any monster in the shadows or inside you; he's gone. He can't touch you, ever again.”

“He's never gone,” Anne said almost inaudibly. “The things that happen to us don't disappear. They're always part of us.”

“Yes, they are. But once you face them down, they lose their power. Anne, my love, there is nothing to be afraid of; you've faced the worst that was inside you and you've moved beyond it. Of course it's still there; it's too much to hope it could vanish, but it's not powerful enough anymore to dominate you. Or us. It can't hurt us. It can't even take up any room between us. What we're building together is far more powerful, and it's alive and part of us and nothing can harm it. We won't let it. Listen to me:
we
won't let it, Anne. Together. You don't have to fight anything alone anymore.”

There was a long silence. Anne was unmoving, her eyes closed. Then, slowly, she relaxed the locked grip of her arm around her knees. She uncurled her body, stretching out her legs, and lay back, half-sitting against the headboard, letting Josh's voice echo in her thoughts. “I believe that,” she said at last. In another minute, she opened her eyes and raised her head as if she were just waking up. The room seemed brighter than before against the blackness at the windows. Nothing could be seen there; the stars had faded; the moon had set. How wonderful, Anne thought, to be in a small world of light, with Josh.

Then she was in his arms, their lips together, and they lay together that way, still kissing, their arms around each other, stretched out on the bed. “I love you,” Anne said against Josh's lips. “I love you.”

At last she was able to gaze at him. His body was lean and muscled; his skin darker than hers, the center of his chest covered with fine brown curls. In the soft light his eyes were deep set, dark blue and intent, as if he were memorizing the lines of her body and the small, barely perceptible quiver at the corners of her mouth.

“Dearest Anne, my dearest love,” he murmured, and he bent over her and began caressing her, slowly, in long, gentle strokes, following the curves of her shoulder and her slender waist and her long thighs. His palms were hard, but his touch was so light Anne found herself straining to feel it. She reached out and laid her hand on his chest, touching his skin as if she had not touched skin before. And with her, Josh felt the newness as his hand moved along her body.
Thank you for helping me look with fresh eyes.
He caressed as if for the first time, as if his body and hers had just sprung to life in a world where everything was fresh.

The sheet beneath Anne was warm now; it cradled her as her breathing grew faster and she began to move beneath Josh's hand. He bent lower until his lips touched her breast and rested briefly there. His hand stroked her body as he took her nipple into his mouth and ran his tongue slowly across it. And when it puckered like a small tight rose he moved his lips to her other breast. A small moan escaped Anne; she felt herself drawing up, as if his fingertips were tracing fine lines of flame upon her and gathering them into his hands.

She looked up at the planes and shadows of his face. It was all she saw; there was only Josh, filling her vision. Nothing else could intrude. Her body moved to the movement of his hand. And then, as if a door had been flung open, a world of sensation flooded in; the passion she had felt earlier returned. Naked, she felt free; she was all feeling. And she was open, opening wider, wanting, already forgetting what it had
been like to be frozen shut. The joy of letting herself feel desire built within her until she thought she could not contain it. And she felt Josh's desire, in the fluid tension of his body and the intensity of his eyes.
Whatever we do, we do together.
She laid her hand on the taut line of his thigh, and then they were a circle, their hands holding each other, the line of flame flowing between them. Josh's eyes met hers, and he lay upon her.

The feel of him covering her, the weight of him stretched upon her, was so good that Anne's eyes widened. A rush of exhilaration swept her up and a laugh broke from her. Josh smiled, in relief as much as joy. Anne brought his face to hers and kissed him. “I love you,” she said; she could not seem to say it enough. Her body felt powerful with rejoicing, exultation, and the heat that ran through her was like a river spilling over its banks. She became the river, coursing tumultuously, taking into its depths the sun and the sky. She raised her hips and parted her legs, spreading them wide to embrace Josh, and brought him to her.

He barely moved, but he was inside her. Anne gasped with the quick, sharp pain, but he lay still and then it was gone. She felt the hardness of him within her and she felt herself clasp him and cling to him, tight and hot, making him merge with her. She felt tears in her eyes at the rightness of it. He was not an invader. He came into her and filled a place welcoming him, where he belonged. He was part of her. She had been waiting for him. “My love,” Anne said, and raised her hips to pull him in more deeply. And they were joined, not in battle, but in desire and love. And in a cherishing she had never known.

They moved together, finding their own rhythm. Josh would have gone slowly but Anne led him, moving with freedom and abandon. She was lifted up by sensations, by the heat pouring through her and the joy of being open and taking in. Their breaths and murmuring voices mingled. “My love, my love, my love,” Anne said, and then, for the first time in her life, she came to a climax.

Her head dropped back to the pillow. Small shudders
rippled through her. She heard Josh's hard breathing and then a cry burst from him, and he lay on her, holding her, not moving. She turned her head to let her lips rest against his. A warm languor spread over her, and then she felt the breeze, much cooler than before. Without moving, Josh reached down for the throw he had pulled back earlier, and covered them with it. “Oh, lovely,” Anne murmured, her lips moving against his.

She felt his smile. “I hope so,” he said.

“I never knew,” she said simply. “I never knew.”

Josh raised his head and met her eyes. “Everything I ever hoped for, everything I ever dreamed of, is in you,” he said.

“Whatever I can give you, for the rest of my life . . .”

“We'll find it together, and share it,” Anne said. Her voice was slow and lazy. She smiled up at him. “I am so extraordinarily happy.”

Josh drew in a breath of wonder, and bent to kiss her. He had not realized how desperately he had longed to hear her say that, to see that smile on her lips and in her eyes, to hear the contentment in her voice. There's nothing we can't do now, he thought; we've gotten past the hardest part.

They lay on their sides, facing each other, touching each other. Anne ran her fingers slowly over Josh's face, tracing his eyebrows, the straight line of his nose, the smile on his lips. “There's so much I don't know about you,” she said.

His eyebrows rose. “After that tour through Tenkaure's tomb? After saving me from the sheriff in Tamarack? After having dinner in my apartment and hearing me go on about my parents? After tonight?”