Sleepless in Montana (41 page)

“I’d like that— away from here and working to
rebuild something that means so much to you.... One thing, Hogan.
I’m still mad at Jemma. I don’t promise anything where she’s
concerned. You’re half in love with her, and I don’t want to lose
my brother, too.”

“You won’t, but it’s more than half, Carley.
I’m thinking about romancing her.”

“Whoa.... Romance. That’s a big old-fashioned
one for my cool-headed, logical, socialite brother, isn’t it? But
no more, Hogan. I don’t want to even think about Jemma now.”

*** ***

In Hogan’s living room, Jemma looked up from
her sewing as she had for a thousand times, watching for his return
after two days and nights away with Carley.

Hogan was perfectly right, taking Carley into
the foothills and giving the Kodiak family time to recover and
prepare.

It was almost July. In the two and a half
months since the Kodiaks had all come together, Jemma had lost a
friend she adored; Carley would never forgive her. Jemma knew that
in Carley’s place she would feel the same—

Jemma saw Hogan riding toward his house and
pushed away the fabric, almost upsetting the sewing machine cabinet
as she stood, her hand over her heart.

In the distance, he looked so tired and
lonely, as if all the world sat upon his shoulders.

She lifted her hand to her mouth, smothering
the cry that tore out of her. He was certain to tell her that
Carley hated her, and wanted her out of the country, away from the
Kodiaks. He was certain to tell her that he didn’t want to see her
again, either.

Jemma dashed away her burning tears and
hurried out to the front porch, wanting to run to him. She feared
if she did, she’d learn that much faster that she was exiled from
the family she loved.

Hogan
. The weary set of his shoulders,
the way he sat in the saddle, told her those two days hadn’t been
easy with Carley. Hogan would always do the right thing for his
family, no matter what it cost him. He’d always hold them together,
though he was still battling his shadows.

And she loved Hogan.
Two days and
nights of waiting and hoping that he’d be safe, that he’d come back
to hold her against him in that special way—

She’d missed him every moment, her heart
aching for the sight of him. Jemma placed her fist over the pain in
her chest.

She glanced at Aaron’s expensive Land Cruiser
sliding from the shadows of Hogan’s barn and prowling down to meet
him. Aaron had been with her, but he was anxious to see Savanna,
and he was carrying a solitaire engagement ring he’d ordered from a
New York jeweler.

Just then Jemma’s gold van hurled down the
road from Ben’s, bypassing the Land Cruiser and Hogan’s horse. It
squalled to a stop in front of Hogan’s house. Carley began throwing
out Jemma’s vivid clothing and anything else she’d moved into the
Kodiak house. The carrot juicer landed on top of the clutter.

Jemma gripped the porch’s railing, her
knuckles white; a part of her life, her soul, was tearing free and
leaving a big, bleeding hole.

She’d loved Carley for most of her life,
adored her, and now her taut anger whipped at Jemma. Carley had
every right to be angry and Jemma should have listened to Hogan’s
warnings.

The cold stare Carley shot at her hurt more
than words. The tinkling of the wind chimes sounded like the pieces
of Jemma’s heart falling at her feet. She knew her expression
begged for forgiveness, and she didn’t care.

Then Carley turned stiffly and marched down
to Aaron’s silver Land Cruiser. She got in and slammed the door,
the sound echoing in Jemma’s heart. She’d lost her best friend, a
sister— and more than likely, the entire Kodiak family....

*** ***

Chapter Sixteen

Jemma ran out to meet Hogan, searched his
weary face, and found no hope for Carley’s forgiveness. Jemma
couldn’t bear to touch him, afraid that he would shove her away;
she’d crumple into the dirt if Hogan turned away from her now.

“Thank you,” Jemma whispered, not shielding
her tears from him.

“It will take a while. Carley isn’t in a
forgiving mood.” He bent down from the saddle and eased her tousled
hair away from her face, his dark eyes searching her face. “You
haven’t slept.”

She didn’t care that her face was stripped of
cosmetics, or that she’d made no effort to hide her swollen lids.
In her lifetime no one but Hogan had mattered as much as
Carley.

She couldn’t tell from Hogan’s expression if
she was losing him, too.
Would he tell her to leave? Would he
forget their beautiful lovemaking?
“I don’t blame her. I should
have listened to you, Hogan. But just this one time, all of your
family was getting along and—”

Hogan swung slowly down from his horse. He
stood there, long legs sheathed in wom chaps and looked down at
her. “You wanted the best for us. We’re just not perfect,
honey.”

“To me, you are. Are you going to just stand
there, or are you going to hold me?” Jemma asked baldly, freezing
in the warm June sunlight and terrified that she had lost him,
too.

Hogan stripped away his leather glove and
placed his hand on her cheek, his expression tender. “Take it easy.
We’ll work through this. She’ll burn it off, but you’ve got to let
her grow, honey. She can’t do that with you protecting and making
everything smooth for her. Let her fight her own fights.”

He watched the white rumps of antelope jog
across a pasture of timothy and “needle and thread” grass. “Don’t
think the burden is just yours. We all were that way from the time
she was little. We were all in on getting her here. She didn’t like
us doing her thinking. Right now, she’s fighting her way free of
being the family’s baby, and that’s a hard task with us.”

“Oh, Hogan!” Unable to control the grief
inside her, Jemma threw herself against him, locked her arms tight
around his lean, safe body. She’d always held her pain, but Hogan
was so much a part of her life, in the air she breathed; she had to
hold on to the remnants as long as she could.

Another Jemma, one filled with pride and
independence, would have lifted her head and walked away, no matter
how much it hurt— but not Jemma-now. She needed Hogan too much.

“Shh. Carley is sensible. She’ll make the
right decisions. It’s up to her. We’d all better be prepared to let
her do her own thinking from now on. It’s my fault.... I should
have known. She’s a Kodiak, and stubborn.” Hogan’s voice curled
around Jemma, deep and rich, and his hand stroked her hair as he
rocked her against his body. “I’m glad you’re still here.”

She pushed her face into the safe cove of his
throat. “Where else would I be?”

“Flying off somewhere. Hunting the great
bargains, taking care of profit margins.... Did you sleep in my
bed?” His body trembled, surprising her.

Hogan’s deep, uneven tone said that was
important to him, where she slept. She used his shirt collar to dry
her eyes. “If you’re wanting to know if I missed you. Yes, I missed
you terribly, but there wasn’t much sleep. You don’t look any
better than I do. I won’t go to Ben’s, since Carley doesn’t want me
there. I’m losing the only family I’ve ever really had, Hogan. Am I
going to lose you, too?”

Hogan tipped her face up for a long, hungry
kiss. “Does that feel like you’re losing me?”

She traced his beautiful lips and gave him
another light kiss that told him he ran gently through her heart.
“She’s your sister, and I’ve hurt her terribly. She’ll probably
never forgive me. I should pack up and leave well enough
alone—”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Hogan stated
roughly, and eased away from her.

He slapped the horse’s rump and it turned,
cantering back to Ben’s ranch. Hogan stepped into her van and
returned with an expensive sheet, which he flipped open on the
ground. He began dumping her clothes into it, then tied the four
corners together. He looked at Jemma, then slammed the van’s door,
as if making his point.

Jemma couldn’t move, for on the ground was a
framed picture of Carley and her, the glass broken. She picked it
up carefully, and ran her fingertips over the young, happy faces
grinning at the camera.

While Hogan carried her belongings into the
house, she stood for a long time in the late June day in Montana’s
Big Sky country.

She wondered how it could have all been so
beautiful— her adopted family, Carley, an almost-sister. She folded
the picture close to her heart and let her tears flow. Then Hogan’s
strong arms were picking her up and carrying her into his
house.

Locked tight in his arms, Jemma wasn’t
letting go. Hogan carried her into his bedroom and laid her down.
His slow, simmering look took in how she lay on his bed, his eyes
darkening as if Jemma was where she belonged.

He eased to the side of the bed, sitting
wearily to draw off his boots.

“You stay put,” he said again, reminding her
of his order that night at Ben’s.

While he showered, Jemma shivered and
prepared for Hogan’s concise bottom line, ordering her out of the
Kodiak lives. She hugged herself and wished she could go back in
time.

After his shower, Hogan returned to lie
beside her, easing her close against him— filling her with familiar
scents— that dark mystical Hogan-scent, soap and man.

He rocked her gently and stroked her back.
Jemma realized her fingers were digging into his shoulders, her
face pressed hard against his throat. She knew without looking that
his expression was grim, that she’d torn his family apart.

Then Hogan’s slow, deep breathing told her
that he had drifted into sleep. She tried to move away, to draw a
sheet over his long, nude body, but his arm tightened, drawing her
back against him. Jemma wanted to be close to him, just this one
last time.

“I want to undress,” she whispered.

Hogan’s eyes drifted open, and his arm
relaxed. He watched her as she drew the sheer curtains, blocking
out the day and the harsh reality of what would come— when Hogan
sent her away. When she curled against him, naked flesh against
his, drawing the sheet over them, Hogan sighed and gathered her
back against him. He slept deeply, instantly, as if he was waiting
for her to return and now was at ease.

Jemma awoke to find Hogan moving over her,
entering her, filling her gently as though locking his body with
hers was a reassurance that he needed her.

She opened to him, gave herself without
reservation, meeting his easy, tender kisses with her own, drifting
deeper into their lovemaking without the desperation of other
times. He made love to her gently, almost as if they were sharing a
warm ocean wave. He rocked gently upon her, allowing her to adjust
to the slow tempo, to spill over into a warm golden cloud and float
back to earth with Hogan close and tight upon her.

Jemma sighed and met his last gentle kiss,
not wanting him to shift away, but to stay with her, in her,
keeping him as close as she could. She stroked Hogan’s back and
hips and soothed his hair, loving him, aching for him, until sleep
crept warmly, safely upon her.

*** ***

Mitch leaned against the barn stall and
pushed his hands in his back pockets. After her return, Carley’s
assault on him hadn’t taken long.

She was tramping back and forth in the airy
barn, her short hair gleaming palely in the dim light. She stopped
to hitch up jeans that had gotten too large for her, since she’d
lost more weight, and planted her feet on the barn’s dirt floor. “I
want to know about you, Mitch. You know everything about me, and I
haven’t a clue about you. Is that fair?”

He looked away to the calves frisking in the
field. He didn’t want to spread his dark life on hers, his
angel.

Carley’s hand shot to his jaw, turning him
back to her. “You’ll tell me.”

“Or?” he asked, resenting being pushed into
corners. As a child, he’d been shoved into too many and locked into
them, too.

“I’ll have to think about the ‘or.’ I feel
stripped, Mitch. I feel as if everyone knows everything about me—
right down to my bones— and I haven’t a clue as to what they’re
about. I know Aaron’s reconsidering how he wants to live the rest
of his life. I know Mom and Dad will probably remarry. I know that
Hogan is watching and caring for all of us, and that he’s in love
with Jemma. I know that Jemma— Well, I’m mad at her now, so never
mind about her. What about you? What about the scars on your back,
and worse yet, inside you?”

Mitch jerked his jaw away from her hand.
“There are some things better left alone.”

“Oh, great. It’s really true then, what Jemma
says, that we all have caves and we sink back into them when
someone comes too close. You just closed up on me. Well, you mean
enough to me to get very personal, very close. So what if someday I
want children with you and something from the past comes between
us. No, I want to know and understand everything right now. There’s
a part of you in that boy, Jimmy— the one you’re worried about in
Chicago— isn’t there?”

Mitch thought of Jimmy, too scared now that
his protector was in Montana and too many miles from help. Mitch
had done what he could for Jimmy, temporarily placing him with a
good couple.

As a boy, Mitch hadn’t had protection, until
Ben had caught and adopted him. He wasn’t about to explain to
Carley—

And then he did, in short fast bursts that
he’d never told anyone. “My mother gifted me with those scars. The
cord of an iron isn’t exactly friendly, nor were her boyfriends. It
isn’t sweet, is it? Neither was living without food, eating garbage
from cans, and all the rest.”

“That’s why you help the inner-city kids, why
you stayed in Chicago, when you loved it here,” Carley whispered
shakily. “For them.”