Slightly Engaged (6 page)

“They call it mellow
ye
-llow…ba da, ba da…” Raphael sings, unloading his bags as Jack beats a hasty retreat. “Mellow
ye
-llow.”

The minute the door closes behind Jack, he breaks off his ditty to say, “Tracey! I thought he’d never leave!”

“Raphael! Are you telling me you didn’t really forget the saffron?”

“No. Well, yes,” he admits. “I mean, I didn’t
forget
it. I just kind of…you know, ran out of cash.”

“What about your credit cards? Maxed out again? I thought you were going to keep the spending in control from now on.”

“I splurged on something yesterday. Something big and juicy-licious…and no, it wasn’t human so don’t even go there.”

I presume
there
is the male-escort service I talked Raphael out of patronizing one lonely night last spring when he was captivated by an ad for an escort who billed himself as Lengthy Louie.

“So what was your splurge?” I ask dutifully. “And how much cash did you spend?”

“Two hundred bucks.”

“On shellfish and rice?”

He nods. “The saffron would have been forty dollars an ounce.”

“Are you kidding? Where? Your dealer?”

“Tracey, you’re funny,” he says without cracking a smile. He begins unloading his groceries onto the counter. “No, I found it at the spice market.”

“Why is it forty bucks?”

“Because, Tracey…” His eyes are round and he pauses significantly before saying in a near whisper, “It’s like powdered
gold
.”

“Really?”

Raphael shrugs. “Who knows?” He hands me a mesh bag filled with live clams and a red-and-white paper deli carton containing shrimp.

“This stuff was two hundred bucks?”

“Almost.”

Raphael suddenly seems very interested in the line of grout between the countertop and the backsplash.

“Okay, spill it,” I order. “What else did you buy on your way over? And I’m not talking about food.”

He reaches into his pocket and guiltily produces a silk scarf. “I saw it in the window of that little boutique by my subway stop and I had to have it. It matches my eyes, Tracey, don’t you think?”

“Your eyes are not plaid.”

“Listen, I know what you’re thinking—”

“That you’ve got some major—”

“Cojones?”
he asks slyly. “So I’ve been told, many, many times.”

“Um, Raphael, can we please leave your
cojones
out of this conversation?”

“Tracey, Jack won’t mind getting the saffron for us. He can use some fresh air.”

Before I can ask Raphael what makes him think that—or admit that it’s probably true—he goes on, “And anyway, I was hoping we’d have a chance for some girl talk.”

“About…?”

“About…you might want to sit down for this.”

We both look around the kitchen, which consists of a sink, a stove, a fridge and a few inches of free counter space.

“Never mind sitting,” Raphael says. “You can hear it standing up.”

I lean against the fridge and fold my arms. “What is it?”

“What do you think of a proposal on Sweetest Day? Too provincial?”

“Do you know something that I don’t?” I shout, grabbing hold of his shoulders and shaking him slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“Did Jack say something to you?”

“Jack?” He frowns.

“Jack. Tall guy, brown hair, basic-black leather jacket.”

“Oh, him.” Raphael gives a dismissive wave of his hand. “No, this isn’t about that Wilma bling he supposedly has hidden for you.”

“Oh.” Disappointed, I loosen my grip and reach for the rum. “Then who’s proposing on Sweetest Day?”

“Who do you think?”

I rack my brains. “Honestly, Raphael, I haven’t a clue. Who?”

“Me!” he cries.

“
You?
To whom?”

“Tracey! Did you forget already?”

It appears that I have.

“Refresh my memory. Do you have a new boyfriend again?”

“Hello-o! Ye-ah!”

“Petrov?”

“We broke up ages ago!”

“Adam?”

“He was before Petrov.”

“Then who?”

Raphael looks exasperated. “Donatello! Tracey, you so know him.”

I so don’t.

But this is how Raphael operates. He has this annoying habit of insisting that you are familiar—sometimes intimately so—with whoever or whatever he’s talking about, when you know damn well that you wouldn’t know him from Adam. Or Petrov.

“Donatello,” he repeats. “Don’t tell me that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

“The only Donatello that rings a bell is in my nephews’ toy box. Isn’t he a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?”

“Tracey! Donatello is a full-grown, very normal, very juicy-licious human being.”

Yes, normal and juicy-licious go hand in hand in Raphael’s world.

I think I need a drink.

I reach into the cupboard for a couple of glasses as Raphael prods, “You met him last month when I took you out to lunch at Bacio on my expense account, remember?”

I rack my brains.

All I remember from that lunch is Raphael scolding me for not spending more time with him these days…

Oh, and the divine piece of pumpkin cheesecake that we shared for dessert, which I couldn’t pass up once the waiter rolled it over on the trolley and went on and on about—

“Wait, you mean the waiter?” I ask incredulously.

“Yes! Tracey, I knew you’d remember.”

“How could I forget? The way you were flirting with him right from the start—and the way he described that cheesecake…” I shudder at the waiter’s risqué-in-retrospect description of velvety cream cheese melting on the warmth of the tongue. And here I thought he was talking to me. About dessert. “It was very…vivid.”

“Wasn’t it just?” Raphael looks dreamy.

A drink, I think. A drink,
and
a cigarette.

I take a fresh pack of Salems out of the cupboard and tap it against my palm.

“So what you’re telling me is that you want to get engaged to the waiter from Bacio on Sweetest Day?”

“Absolutely, Tracey. Unless you think that’s too cliché?”

“I wouldn’t call it cliché in the least.”

I pour a couple of inches of rum into a jelly glass and wonder how to make a mojito, then decide I don’t really care at this point.

“I was thinking we could schedule our commitment ceremony for Valentine’s Day,” Raphael goes on, oblivious to my imminent bender, “and I’d want you as my maid of honor, of course.”

Touched, I look up from the cigarette I’m lighting to make sure that he’s serious.

Judging by the tear glistening in the corner of his eye, he is.

“That would mean a lot to me,” I tell him sincerely. “Thank you. I would be honored.”

“And I’ll be honored to return the favor someday, Tracey,” he says, gently patting my arm as if assuring a maiden aunt that someday her prince will come.

“Jack
has
a diamond, Raphael.” I exhale twin trails of smoke through my nostrils and try not to think about the Chia Pet.

“Of course he does.”

“I’m serious! He has a diamond, and he’s probably just waiting for…for, you know…”

“The right moment?”

“Yes, and for…um…”

“For the jeweler to make a setting?”

“Exactly.”

“Speaking of settings, Tracey, what do you think of this?” Raphael pulls a black velvet box out of his pocket and flips it open. “It’s my big splurge.”

I’ll say. I gape at the marquis-cut diamond engagement ring.

“It’s beautiful, Raphael, but…” I search for a tactful way to put it. “I mean, isn’t that for a woman?”

“Tracey! No!”

“I have to say…” I tilt my head dubiously. “I’m thinking yes.”

“The jeweler said it’s definitely unisex. And I say it’s
uni-sexy.
I love it, and Donatello will love it, and that’s all that counts.”

Right. Next thing you know, Raphael will be checking out the bridal sample sale at Kleinfeld.

“So what do you think, Tracey? I’m getting married! I’m planning a glorious proposal and an even more glorious wedding!”

Et tu, Raphael?
is what I think.

But I give him a congratulatory hug and I try not to be wistful as he talks about cakes and flowers and dance bands.

After all, my whole life doesn’t hinge on when—or even
whether
—Jack pops the question. I am
not
one of those so-called New York career women whose secret main goal in life is a diamond ring on her finger and wedding date on the calendar.

Those women are pathetic.

I’m not pathetic. I’m…

Well, I’ve got a whole lot more going on in my life.

I’ve got great friends, a semifunctional family, and someday I’ll be promoted to junior copywriter.

But I can’t help wondering, as I take another drag off my cigarette, what Jack is waiting for.

Is he uncertain?

Is he falling out of love?

Or maybe it’s Sweetest Day.

Maybe he wants to do it on Sweetest Day.

That has to be it.

Chapter 5

“S
weetest Day? Never heard of it,” Jack informs me.

We’re headed home from work on the third Friday night in October—which, if all goes as planned, will be our rehearsal dinner a year from now—waiting in a rush-hour crowd on the uptown subway platform at Grand Central.

“Sure you have,” I say as though he’s just claimed he’s never once wondered what it would be like to sleep with the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
cover model.

“Sweetest Day?” He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. What is it?”

“It’s a day when you show your appreciation to loved ones,” I recite, having looked it up on the Internet earlier so I’d be prepared for this conversation.

“Show appreciation how?”

“You know…cards…candy…”
Diamond engagement rings…

NOT
Chia Pets…

“Who invented it? Hallmark? Brach’s?”

“Brach’s?”
I echo in disdain. At least he could have said Godiva.

“Yeah, you know…the candy guys.”

“I know,” I tell him—or rather, shout at him as the uptown express train comes roaring into the station on the opposite side of the platform. “Brach’s. The candy guys.”

I must say, this exchange isn’t going quite the way I envisioned.

I was supposed to very casually ask Jack how we’re going to celebrate Sweetest Day tomorrow, and he was supposed to get a knowing gleam in his eye and feign ignorance.

The ignorance is there all right, but it sure seems authentic, and the knowing gleam is as scarce as the number-six local.

I wait to make my point until the express train has left the station and the noise level has been reduced to the rumble of trains and screeching of brakes on distant tracks, an unintelligibly staticky public-address announcement upstairs, and—right here for our listening pleasure—an off-key portable-karaoke singer and her coin-cup-jangling pimplike male companion.

I ask, again, “How should we celebrate?”

I can tell Jack’s thinking the question would work better if I left off the first word and made it a yes/no.

Should we celebrate?

His answer to that would probably be no.

His answer to
How should we celebrate
is merely, “Celebrate?”

Which is no answer. Unwilling to let him off the hook, I say, “Got any ideas?”

“We can watch Game One?”

“Game one?”

“The World Series. Tomorrow night.”

“Oh. Right. I forgot,” I tell the man who once came dangerously close to derailing our relationship by choosing a Giants playoff game over dinner with me.

He chose me in the nick of time.

He even cooked that dinner, the first of many.

Yet here he is, acting like a dopey dog that keeps trotting back to the electric fence line for another jolt.

Jack asks incredulously, “How could you forget about something like the World Series?”

Same way you can forget to propose when your mother has practically done all the work already,
I want to tell him.

I say simply, “I don’t know. But it’s not like we don’t have TiVo. Don’t you think we could do something a little more romantic than watch the World Series, in real time, with commercials?”

He has the gall to look alarmed.

Okay, I give up.

“Romantic…like what?” he wants to know.

Time to let him off the hook. “Never mind,” I say with a sigh.

After all, I owe him one for being so charitable to Raphael that night with the paella. He played three rounds of Trivial Pursuit and didn’t even complain when Raphael kept cheating to avoid the Sports and Leisure questions and land instead on Arts and Entertainment.

Anyway, clearly, Jack isn’t planning to propose on Sweetest Day, even now that I’ve enlightened him.

I’ll have to shelve the story I was going to tell our future kids one day about how we got engaged in October, my favorite month of the year. I think it’s safe to assume that the only remotely wedding-related thing anybody’s asking me to be this month is maid of honor at a gay wedding.

I crane my neck to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m not speaking figuratively.

I’m looking for the actual light, as in the headlight of the number-six train.

All I want is to get home and take off these stockings and two-inch heels. Lame, I know, but two inches are two too many for me.

“Hey, I know!” Jack says suddenly. “How about if we go out to dinner tonight? You know…to celebrate Sweetest Day.”

“Tonight? You mean…go back out after we get home?”

Now
that,
my friends, is a revolutionary idea. When we first moved in together we came and went at all hours, but we’ve become proficient nesters lately. Most nights, once we’re home, we’re home—especially now that we have TiVo and even last-minute Blockbuster video rentals are a thing of the past. I know. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“I was thinking we could stop somewhere now, on the way,” he says with the air of one who plans to zip through a drive-through for a couple of Whoppers.

“I don’t know…I’m kind of tired and I don’t really want to hang around all night in this.” I look down at my trench coat, crepe suit and pumps, which I donned for a client presentation with the futile hope that somebody might recognize me as executive material.