Slow Ride (Riding with Honor) (4 page)

He watched as Dana’s eyes began to tear up right in front of him. 
Oh God…please don’t cry
.  She blinked quickly in an effort to stop herself and looked away from him.  After collecting herself she looked back at him.

“As much as I hate to admit this for my own personal reasons…I have no doubt she’s yours
,” she said.

“What do you mean?”
he asked her.

“Your dimple leaves no doubt
,” she said, reaching up and touching his cheek.  “She has one just like it.  Her dimple matches yours and Gretchen’s.”

Her touch was like a stroke of
electricity as it slid down his cheek and stopped at the well-defined dimple.  He’d always hated the little hole in his cheek as a kid, but as a grown man it seemed to make women giggle and flirt with him.  Her touch made him thankful for that one small imperfection.

Gretchen
voluntarily sat on Dana’s lap so she could read her a book.  He couldn’t stop himself from staring at Dana.  She wasn’t paying the least bit of attention to him though, and seemed to only have eyes for Gretchen.  Most women tolerated Gretchen in attempt to get in good with him.  Not her, she couldn’t have cared less if he fell off the planet.  Halfway through the third book a nurse entered the room.

“Ms. Atkinson?” t
he woman said.

Dana lifted Gretchen off her lap and stood up.  “Yes?”

“You can see her now but I must warn you.  She isn’t doing so well today,” the nurse said.

“What about us, can we see her?” he asked, catching Gretchen’s hand in his.

The nurse looked to Dana as though asking for permission. 
This was his child, not hers
!  Dana nodded slightly as though giving permission.  He forced the anger aside as they followed the nurse out of the waiting room.

“We will be right out here when you’re done
,” Becca said as he walked by her following the nurse and Dana.

As they entered a secured area, the nurse had them all stop and wash their hands at the sink.  Dana helped Gretchen wash hers without him even asking her to.  They followed the nurse down the hall to a dimly lit room where several empty incubators sat along one wall. 

Off to one side in the glow of a desk light was the only incubator currently in use.  The screams of the baby in the incubator nearly took him out at the knees.

“We’re a small facility and right now she’s our only preemie.  We are pre
tty informal so feel free to…” the nurse started.

“Why isn’t someone holding her?”
he cut her off.

“I’m sorry sir but she is still not real stable and unfortunately the withdrawal symptoms make her very irritable.  She seems to cry like that whether we hold her or not.  We’re human and seeing her like that gets to us too
,” the nurse said as she walked over to the machine and opened one of the small round doors and stuck her hand in to gently rub the baby’s arm.

“Can I try holding her?”
he asked as he forced himself not to rip open the plastic box and try to comfort the child.

“You can each hold her for a few minutes
, but not long since she’s probably made herself tired again with all the crying,” the nurse replied.

“What’s wrong with her
, Daddy?” Gretchen said, sounding as though she was going to cry herself.

He had been so caught up in the baby’s
suffering he’d not paid attention to Gretchen.  Looking at her now he could see how badly the baby’s cries were upsetting her.  Her face was pale and pinched with worry. 
Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea.

“Why don’t you hold her first, Dana?”
he said as he bent down and picked up Gretchen.

“Is she hurt
, Daddy?” Gretchen asked as she hugged his neck.

“Yea
, baby, I’m afraid she is hurting,” he answered truthfully.

“Where’s the
doctor?  Can’t he give her medicine?” Gretchen asked.

“They are doing all they can to help her but she’s going to have to get better on her own
,” he replied.

“Like when I had the bad stomach ache?”
she asked again.

“Yea, sort of like your bad stomach ache, she just has to be tough like you were
,” he said.

They watched as Dana sat in a rocking chair and the nurse handed her the tiniest baby he’d ever seen.  The screams continued and he wanted to take Gretchen and run from the room.  He had a hand in making this tiny baby so it was his responsibility to be here for her now…she needed him.  So he didn’t run, he stood watching and unable to help his own child and it was killing him.

“Sing to her Daddy.  It helped me,” Gretchen said, looking up into his worried face. 

The nurse pulled another rocking chair over next to Dana who looked to be almost in tears as well.  It was obvious the baby was uncomfortable or in pain.  He sat down in the rocking chair next to Dana and situated Gretchen on his lap.

“Sing the Kansas song, Daddy,” Gretchen said to him though her eyes never left the screaming infant.

He began to sing and rock Gretchen while Dana rocked the baby.  He felt Gretchen relax against him and after only a few seconds the baby’s cries began to calm some until she stopped completely.  The nurse came to the side of Dana’s chair
to feel the baby and then smiled at them.

As he finished singing the song Gretchen whispered
, “See, Daddy, I told you it would help.”

After a few seconds of blessed silence the baby began crying again.

“Do you want to hold her?” Dana asked.

“Yes, but I’m almost afraid.  She’s a lot smaller than Gretchen ever was
,” he said.

He stood Gretchen on the ground
while Dana walked over to him and handed him the crying baby.  The child could fit in one of his hands she was so small and she was wrinkled and grey looking rather than plump and pink cheeked like Gretchen had been.  He began rocking her in the chair and started singing another song.  Again, the child’s cries subsided until they stopped completely.

“I think she likes that
,” the nurse said with a smile for him as another nurse entered the room.  They both stood for a minute and watched him as he sang to the baby.  They could stare all they wanted as long as it kept the baby from screaming.  The two nurses talked quietly amongst themselves and then one of them left the room.

Gretchen climbed up into Dana’s lap without any coaxing and rested back against her.  Dana rocked her and stroked her hair back from her face.  Gretchen was beginning to look tired but she was being absolutely angelic and he just hoped her good behavior would hold out long enough to finish the visit.

He sang two more songs and the baby seemed to snuggle against him, just like Gretchen did when she was tired and he sang to her.  A doctor came into the room and picked up the chart next to the incubator.  He stopped singing to see if he would give them any information on her condition.

“I’m Doctor McGinis and from what I understand you’re the only one all day that has got her to stop crying when she’s awake
,” he said peering at the child. “Don’t stop singing on my account but I wondered if we could try to feed her a little bit.  We’ve been tube feeding her but she hasn’t even kept that down today, so at this point I’m willing to try something a little more unorthodox.”

“Daddy plays his guitar and sings to me too
,” Gretchen said to the doctor.

“Does he now?” Dr McGinis asked her with a smile
. “Well if we can get this little one to hold down some formula, maybe your Daddy can bring his guitar the next time and we can try feeding her with a bottle.  What do you think of that?”

“Ok
,” Gretchen smiled sleepily.

The nurse came over and hooked up a syringe full of what looked like formula to the small line that went up into the baby’s nostril.  He sang a few more songs and watched as the formula in the syringe slowly emptied out. 

One of the nurses brought him some bottled water and smiled a flirty smile at him.  After she walked away he looked over at Dana to gauge her reaction to the woman. 
She had no reaction at all…figures.

Gretchen was sitting across her lap and was leaned a
gainst her chest and shoulder sleeping.  Dana’s chin was leaning against Gretchen’s head but she was staring right at him.  Somehow her stare seemed to warm him from the inside and he found himself singing to her.  She didn’t blush or giggle and she didn’t flirt… she just listened and stared with her big green eyes, soft pink lips and miles of silky hair.

After he finished his song she whispered
, “I would offer you a drink from the water bottle, but my hands are full too.”

Looking down at the tiny baby he noticed that she slept as well.  Unlike when he’d first held her, her breathing seemed better now and the shaking had stopped.  Looking at the clock he realized it had been more than a half an hour since they’d fed her the formula.

The nurse came over to take the tiny baby and put her back in the incubator after checking her diaper and bundling her up.  After she finished situating the baby she turned to them and said, “I must say I’ve seen a lot in the twenty years I’ve worked as a NICU Nurse, but this takes the cake.  Have you thought of a name for her yet?”

“Casey didn’t even give her a name?”
he asked in shock.

“I’m afraid not.  She was pretty doped up when she came in here that night and left the next day.  She didn’t even check herself out…just visited the baby and then left
,” the nurse said, shaking her head sadly.

“I didn’t know…about her…she never told me
,” he said quietly.

Shame.
  That’s what he felt deep in his soul and he needed to explain to those bearing witness to the baby’s suffering that he was sorry for his poor choices. 
But how?
  How could anything he said make this right?

He looked at Dana and realized that she was clutching Gretchen to her as if to protect
the sleeping child from him.  He almost hated to take Gretchen from her arms.  They both seemed content, but it was getting late and he needed to get Gretchen home.

“You’re going to have to help me.  My arm is asleep and might possibly fall off my body if I move it
,” she said, looking up at him expectantly.

He reached down and hefted Gretchen into his arms and she snuggled his neck.  He reached out his hand to Dana to help her out of the chair and she simply looked at him.  After a few seconds she placed her hand in his and stood up.

“You two make a good team.  I wasn’t sure if this baby would make it but with you two on her side, she stands the best chance I could have hoped for,” the nurse said, smiling at them and holding open the door to the room.

“Try playing a radio on low.  It always worked for Gretchen
,” he said to the nurse as they left the room.

He carried Gretchen to the waiting area where Becca sat talking on her cell phone.  Upon seeing him she quickly ended the call and headed over to him.  Dana and Carmen headed for the elevators talking quietly amongst themselves. 

“So how did it go?” Becca asked.

“It was good, I got her to stop crying and keep down some of her formula.  When can I visit her again?”
he asked.

“Well I spoke with Carmen and the agency has agreed to allow you visitation pending your paternity test results as long as they are supervised
,” Becca said.

“What does that mean?”
he asked as they headed to the elevators.

“That means that either Carmen or
Ms. Atkinson must be with you when you visit.  I’m sorry, Tommy, it’s the best I can do.  Once paternity is established we will petition the court for full custody and after the custody hearing she will be all yours,” she said.

“This is going to require a little finagling to make
it happen though.  This isn’t like with Gretchen.  You were listed on Gretchen’s birth certificate and granted custody because Casey never showed up to court.  This time around you will have to show that you can meet the needs of this child to satisfy family services,” Becca finished.

“I can do that.  I
will
do that…whatever it takes,” he said as they stepped in the elevator.

Dana thought about her conversation with Carmen on the walk to her car.  Part of her
also
wondered why Tommy McMurray would have been involved with someone using drugs and understood Carmen’s position on wanting to be sure he wasn’t also using. 

She would be surprised if he was though.  His relationship with Gretchen was too…good…for that.  She’d seen kids whose parents just didn’t seem to care, and Tommy just didn’t fit that mold.

Was it his good looks that made her doubt his culpability in the baby’s circumstances?  Carmen seemed concerned about his ability to handle the on-going medical needs of the infant due to the addiction she suffered and being so premature.