Smart, Sexy and Secretive (17 page)

It’s okay. We can work this out. We
always do.

Only it’s not so easy this time. Pete’s
waiting for arraignment.

I sigh, and Emily’s parents leave. She
stays with us, of course, and helps us plan. She’s family now. I
draw her to my side. They’re keeping my brother, but I’m taking
Emily home with me.

She helps me undress, and then she
shoves me onto the bed and helps me forget all the shit that Pete’s
gotten into. At least for tonight.

Emily

My mom is waiting for me outside the
school after my last class. She wants to go and get pedicures, but
that’s usually code for “let’s talk.” I take a deep breath and
slide into the car.

She pats my knee. “I won’t torture you
with a pedicure today.” She smiles at me as though she’s waiting
for me to talk.

“
Mom,” I start. She waits,
smiling patiently at me. I never thought I’d be in this predicament
with my mom.

She holds up a finger to stop me.
“How’s Peter?”

“
Still locked up,” I
mumble.

She purses her lips.

“
I don’t want to hear about
it, Mom. He made a mistake. That doesn’t mean Logan’s a
mistake.”

Her brow furrows, and she lays a hand
on her chest. “Have I ever said that Logan is a mistake? Ever? That
boy is the best thing that has ever happened to you.”

Even with everything that’s happened,
she still thinks that? I lean forward and wrap my arms around her.
“Thank you.”

“
What can I do to make
things better between you and your father?”

“
Get him a
lobotomy?”

She rocks her head back and forth like
she’s mulling it over.

“
Neuter him?”

Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline.
“I think not.”

“
Ew,” I groan. But she makes
me laugh. “He can’t keep holding his money over my head. Or their
heads, for that matter.” I cross my arms in front of my
chest.

“
I think you’ve shown him
that money isn’t a motivator for you. Or for them.” She glares at
me.

“
What?” I ask.

“
What can I do to make it
better between you and your father?” she asks again.

I shrug.

“
When is your
show?”

“
Tomorrow night.”

“
Do you want him to be
there?”

Do I? I don’t know if I do or not. He
won’t appreciate it either way.

“
Think about it,” she
says.

“
Bring him there. It’ll be
the last time I ever worry about pleasing him if he doesn’t show
up.”

She nods. She gets it, I
think.

Emily

Tonight is my big night, and the
auditorium is completely filled. The announcer goes to the
microphone and welcomes the audience. Julliard does nothing in
small measures when it comes to performances and this one is no
exception. There are lights and cameras and there will be
action.

I’m a little nervous as they call my
name. Dr. Ball assures me no one has ever performed a piece like
this, and he’s worried about my overall presentation. The timing
has to be perfect or none of it will work. I have practiced and
practiced and practiced some more. I have barely had a moment with
Logan all week, because I have been perfecting this piece. And he’s
been a little preoccupied with Pete’s situation. But every night, I
sleep in his bed. Every day, I wake up in his arms. Every minute, I
know how much he loves me. Even with all the trouble Pete’s in,
Logan is dedicated to me. Pete has a public defender, but his fate
is still undecided.

I walk onto the stage, and I can’t even
see the audience past the lights. But I can hear all the Reed boys
as they call my name and cheer. I raise my hand to shield my eyes,
and I can see them there. They’re on their feet clapping for me.
The rest of the audience is subdued, but Sam yells, “Get ’em,
Emily!” He makes me laugh. Paul whistles through his teeth at me.
I’m so glad they’re here. The person I most want to see isn’t
there, though—my dad’s not with them. My mom is but not
Dad.

I should have known he meant what he
said when he’d left me that night. I should have known that he was
done. He’s proven it now. But then I see people in the row stand
up, and a male form scoots down to join the four Reed brothers and
my mom.

My dad’s here. He’s really
here.

Tears prick at the backs of my lashes.
My dad is not standing and clapping with the boys. He looks put out
by it, honestly. I wish my dad had the same kind of enthusiasm that
the Reeds have when it comes to my music.

I sit down on the stool in
front of the microphone, and I plug my guitar into the amp. I speak
into the crowd. “Good evening, friends, family, and distinguished
guests.” I take a deep breath. “I hope you all will indulge me
because I’m going to try something new tonight.” I laugh. “I wanted
to take my music to a new level.” I shrug my shoulders. “I just
hope you like it.” I look toward Logan. Then I look at my dad. “And
I hope
he
likes
it.”

I set up the screens and projectors
behind me before the performance, but as I start to play my guitar,
I begin with a simple melody. I look over my shoulder to make sure
my timing is right. Butterflies light up the screen behind me, and
I play along with their movements. I have timed everything
perfectly. They don’t just fly; they pulse. They pulse along with
the rhythm of the song.

I see Logan sit forward in his seat.
This part is for him. This part is so that the can feel the rhythm
and movement of my song. This is the treble clef that he’s missing.
This is the part he can’t feel in the beat of the bass through the
floor. But he can see it.

I keep playing, and the butterflies
move up and down with the notes of my guitar. They fly high and
they fly low, and they keep shifting with the beat.

I open my mouth, and the butterflies
become the words of my song. I have timed them perfectly to my
tempo and my melody, and they grow large when my words are strong
and small when my words are soft. The words on the screen are for
Logan. The theatrics of this piece are all for him, but the words
coming out of my mouth are for my dad and my dad alone:

You’ve been asleep for
some time now .
I’ve been watching you for a while now.

This is oh so hard when
you’re awake

Because when you look at
me I just start to ache.
I try to be

All that you want to
see,

But you know how it
goes.

Nobody else
knows

That I can’t be what you
need me to be.

I look at the words on the
page

As they swim and they
rage.

They fight me even though
I try,

Sometimes I still wonder
why.

The storm rages all around
me.

What I need is for your
arms to surround me.

But what I get’s not the
same.

I get scorn, pain, and
shame.
I try to be

All that you want to
see,

But you know how it
goes.

Nobody else
knows

That I can’t be what you
need me to be.

I look at the words on the
page

As they swim and they
rage.

They fight me even though
I try,

Sometimes I still wonder
why
What can I ever say

To make you love me
today?

I’m willing to forget
yesterday.

I need you…
.Mmmmmmmmmmm
I try to be

All that you want to
see,

But you know how it
goes.

Nobody else
knows

That I can’t be

what you need me to
be.

I look at the words on the
page

As they swim and they
rage.

They fight me even though
I try,

Sometimes I still wonder
why.
You’ve been awake for a while now.
Can you love me no matter how,
Can you take me as I was born

Instead of insisting
reform?

You’re supposed to love me no matter what,

But I can see you’d
rather

Have anyone but me on your
side.

This has been a long
ride.

Every time I’m ready to
give up on you

He won’t let me give up on
you

Even though you gave up on
me long ago, Dad.
I can’t help that I was born this way,

But you can help that you
see me that way.

Because I am not
broken,

And I’m still always
hoping

That one day you’ll see
I’m just me…Dad.

The music stops and the spotlight on me dims as the crowd falls
completely silent. I wipe the tears from my face and set my guitar
to the side. The stage lights are taking forever, and I can’t
figure out why.

There’s a pregnant pause. Maybe I went
too far. Maybe I should run out the back door rather than face the
scorn of the audience. I just poured my heart out up here. And I
did it for one man. Sure, the lights and the performance were for
Logan. I wanted him to know what I had to say, and he wouldn’t hear
it in the words of my song. The rest of it…

I hear the sound of hands
clapping together. It’s not a crowd of people. It’s just two hands
clapping.
Slap. Slap. Slap.
Slap
. It’s slow and methodical. And then I
hear his voice.

“
Well done,
Emily!”

My heart leaps into my throat. That’s
not Logan or any of the Reeds. That’s my dad. My dad is clapping
for me.

The stage lights come on, and I can
see him standing at the foot of the stage. He’s clapping like
crazy, and he has tears running down his face. Certainly, it didn’t
affect him this much.

“
Emily!” he yells, his
hands cupping his mouth, even though I’m only ten feet from him.
“I’m so proud of you!” He yells out words like “brilliant” and
“amazing” and “awesome” and he turns to someone behind him and
says, “My daughter is so talented. Did you see that?” He’s crying
unabashedly, and so am I.

The crowd is getting over my dad’s
emotional outburst, and they all get to their feet, clapping for
me. I walk toward my instructor and he says, “Excellent job, Miss
Madison.”

“
Did I do all right?” I ask
him quietly. He points toward the crowd. They’re all on their feet.
They’re giving me a standing ovation. “Wow,” I breathe.

“
Congratulations, Miss
Madison. I’d say you’ve found your calling.” He motions me forward.
“Take a bow.”

I step forward on quivering legs and
bend at the waist. The crowd is applauding wildly, and my dad is
still standing directly in front of the stage. He’s the loudest one
of all. He holds up one finger to tell me to wait. I see him dodge
around the side of the stage and up the stairs. And in front of the
entire auditorium, my dad sweeps me into a hug. He spins me around
in a circle, my feet flying. “I’m so proud of you, Emily!” he
yells.

He still hasn’t wiped all the tears
from his face, and he doesn’t seem to care. He speaks in my ear. “I
never knew, Emily. I’m an idiot. I never knew.” He squeezes me to
him again. “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.” He
takes my face between his palms and stares into my eyes. “Can you
ever forgive me?”

He lets me go without waiting for an
answer and stalks over to the microphone. “That was my daughter,”
he says. “I had no idea she had that kind of talent.” He stares at
me, his voice cracking. “I’ve never been so proud.”

The teacher beckons us off the stage
with a quick flick of his wrist. I drag my father toward the back
curtain and slip behind it. Waiting there are all the Reed brothers
and my mother.

Sam gets to me first. He scoops me up
and spins me around. “You showed them,” Sam says in my ear. He
smacks the side of my face with a loud kiss. Paul ruffles my hair
with his huge hand, and Matt pulls me to him and holds me
tightly.

“
Did Logan leave?” I ask
him when he finally steps back.

He shakes his head, smiles,
and points over my shoulder. Logan is leaning against the wall.
He’s not rushing toward me. Instead, he’s standing there with his
foot flat against the wall, his knee bent. He has a bouquet of
roses in his hand.

I love
you
, I sign.

He hands the flowers he’s
holding to my mom and then he signs back.
You were brilliant up there.
He
points to my dad and grins.
Just ask him.
He’ll tell you.
But then he sobers.
You did it, Em. You did it.