Smilla's Sense of Snow (37 page)

"But the icebergs are the least of our problems. They're the layman's image of the Arctic seas. Much worse is the field ice, a belt of pack ice that floats along the east coast, rounds Cape Farewell in November, and stretches all the way up past Godthåb."

I've managed to get the cork out whole from the second bottle. I fill Kutzow's glass. He drinks as he absentmindedly regards the label on the bottle. It's the percentage of alcohol that interests him.

"Where the pack ice stops, the western ice begins. It's formed in Baffin Bay and forced down into Davis Strait, where it freezes together with the winter ice. It forms an ice field that we'll run into near the fishing grounds north of Holsteinsborg."

Traveling tends to magnify all human emotions. Whenever we left Qaanaaq to set out hunting, to go visiting, or to go to Qeqertat, the latent feelings of love, friendship, and animosity would all explode. Between Lukas and his two passengers and employers, a mutual, solid feeling of antagonism is in the air.

I look at Lukas. He hasn't said or done anything. And yet without a word he demands that they look at him. Once again I have that vague, uneasy feeling of having witnessed a performance that has been staged partially for my benefit, but which I don't understand.

"Where's Tørk?" the captain asks. "He's working," replies the woman.

If you fly from Europe to Thule, you'll step out of the plane and think that you've entered a freezer that's under several atmospheres of pressure, as an invisible icy cold forces its way into your lungs. If you fly in the opposite direction, you'll think you've landed in a Finnish sauna when you arrive in Europe. But a ship sailing for Greenland does not sail north; it sails west. Cape Farewell lies on the same latitude as Oslo. The cold doesn't come until you round the cape and sail due north. The wind that kicks up during the day is raw and damp, but no colder than a storm in the Kattegat. The waves, on the other hand, are the long, deep swells of the North Atlantic.

The deck is swimming in water. The hatch to the forward cargo hold is now closed. I pace it off. It's 18 by 20 feet. It wasn't originally that size. At both ends there's a white, newly painted border two and a half feet wide. And there's a welding seam on the deck. The opening has recently been enlarged by almost three feet in both directions.

For Europeans the sea symbolizes the unknown, and sailing is both a journey and an adventure. This image has no relation to reality. Sailing is the movement that comes closest to standing still. To feel that you are actually moving requires landmarks, it requires fixed points on the horizon and ice heaves that disappear beneath your sled runners, and the sight of mountains seen across the napariaq, the upright at the back of the sled, ice formations that loom up and pass by and vanish on the horizon.

All this is missing at sea. A ship seems to stand still, to be a fixed platform of steel, framed by a permanent circular horizon with a cold gray winter wind blowing across it, placed on top of a moving yet always uniform abyss of water. Convulsed by the monotonous exertion of its engines, the ship pounds in vain on one spot.

Or else it's just me who's gotten too old to travel. With the fog from outside, depression drifts in over me. To travel you have to have a home to leave and come back to. Otherwise you're a refugee, an exile, a qivittoq. At this very moment in North Greenland they're all huddling in the huts in Qaanaaq.

I ask, as I have so many times before, why I have ended up here. I can't bear the entire blame alone, it's too heavy a burden. I must have had bad luck as well. The universe must have somehow pulled away from me. When my surroundings give way, I retreat into myself like a live mussel sprinkled with lemon juice. I can't turn the other cheek, I can't face hostility with even greater faith.

One time I hit Isaiah. I had told him that when we were children and the ice broke up near Siorapaluk, far inside the bay, we would leap from one ice floe to another, knowing full well that if we slipped we would slide under the ice and the current would carry us to Nerrivik, the mother of the sea, never to return. The next day he wanted to wait outside the grocery store, near the Greenlander statue on the square, but when I came out, he was gone. And when I went over to the bridge, I saw him down on the-ice-thin, new ice, disintegrating from below because of the current. I didn't shout, I, couldn't shout. I walked over to the urinal by the bulwark and called gently to him, and he came, hesitantly, skipping over the ice, and when he was standing on the cobblestones, I hit him. The blow was probably a distillation of my feelings for him, the way violence sometimes is. He barely managed to stay on his feet.

"You hit me," he said, looking around through his tears for a weapon to slit me open with.

Then, in one simple but enormous leap, he found his way back to the unlimited reserves of his character. "Naammassereerpoq, I guess I'll get used to that," he said.

I don't possess such depths. Maybe that's one of the reasons why things have gone the way they have. There's no sound, but I know that someone is standing behind me. Then Verlaine leans against the sea rail, following my gaze out across the sea. He takes off his work glove and pulls a handful of rice out of his breast pocket. "I thought Greenlanders had short legs and fucked like pigs and only worked when they were hungry. Once when I was on a ship up there we were taking kerosene to a town somewhere in the north. We pumped it straight into the tanks standing on shore. At one point a little man in a boat came over and fired a rifle and shouted something at us. Then they all ran to their huts and came back with rifles and set off in their dinghies or fired their guns from shore. If I hadn't been watching, the pressure would have blown the hoses off the tanks. It turned out to be because of a school of some kind of fish."

"What time of year was this?"

"Maybe July or the beginning of August."

"Beluga," I say. "A small whale. It must have been near the trading stations south of Upernavik."

"We telegraphed the trading company that they had stopped work and had gone fishing. We received the reply that this happened several times a year. That's the way it is with primitive people. When their stomachs are full, they don't see any reason to work."

I nod in agreement.

"In Greenland they say that Filipinos are a nation of lazy little pimps, who are only allowed on ships because they don't ask for more than a dollar an hour, but you have to keep on feeding them vast amounts of steamed rice if you don't want a knife in your back."

"That's true," he says.

He leans toward me so he won't have to yell. I look up toward the bridge. We're in full view where we're standing.

"This is a ship with rules. Some are the captain's. Some are Tørk's. But not all of them. They're dependent on us; we're just the rats."

He smiles at me. His teeth are glazed pieces of chalk against his dark skin. He notices what I'm looking at. "Porcelain crowns. I was in prison in Singapore. After a year and a half I didn't have a tooth left in my mouth. My jaw was held together with galvanized steel wire. Then we organized an escape."

He leans even closer to me. "That's where I found out how much I hate the police."

When he straightens up and leaves, I keep standing there, staring out at the sea. It starts to snow. But it's not snow. It's coming from the deck. I look down at myself. All the way from my collar down to the elastic at my waist, my down jacket has been cut open with a single slit. Without anything touching the lining, the padding was cut wide open so the down is tearing loose and swirling around me like snowflakes. I take off the jacket and fold it up. On my way back across the deck it occurs to me that it must be cold. But I don't feel cold.

5

The Welfare Council of the merchant marine sends out packages of nine videos at a time to subscribers. Sonne has arranged to show the first one on the enlarged screen in the exercise room. I sit in back. When it fades in on a sunset over a desert landscape, I slip out.

On the second deck, arranged in two rows of cupboards facing each other, tools and spare parts are stored. I take out a Phillips screwdriver. I rummage aimlessly. In a wooden crate I find several gray, lightly greased ball hearings made of solid steel, each a little bigger than a golf ball, wrapped in oily paper. I take one of them.

I walk up the stairs and onto the quarterdeck. The light from the movie shines out of the two long windows up there. I crawl on my knees over to the bulkhead underueath the window and peer inside. Only after I've located both Verlaine's shiny black hair and the outline of Jakkelsen's curls do I return to the corridor. I let myself into Jakkelsen's cabin.

Now there is only bed linen in the drawer under the bunk. But the chess game is still in its place. I put the box under my sweater. I listen at the door for a while and then go back to my own cabin. Far away, from some indeterminate direction, I can sense the sound track of the film through the metal hull.

I put the box in a drawer. It's a strange feeling to be in possession of something that would probably bring its owner anywhere from three years without parole to a death sentence, depending on the port where it was discovered.

I put on my jogging suit. I knot the steel ball into a long white bath towel that I've folded double. Then I hang it back on its hook. And I sit down to wait.

If you have to wait for a long time, you have to seize hold of the waiting or it will become destructive. If you let things slide, your consciousness will waver, awakening fear and restlessness; depression strikes, and you're pulled down.

To keep up my spirits I ask myself: What is a human being? Who am I?

Am I my name?

The year I was born my mother traveled to West Greenland and brought home the girl's name Millaaraq. Because it reminded Moritz of the Danish word mild, which didn't exist in the vocabulary of his love relationship with my mother, because he wanted to transform everything Greenlandic into something that would make it European and familiar, and because I apparently had smiled at him-the boundless trust of an infant, which comes from the fact that she still doesn't know what's in store for her-my parents agreed on Smillaaraq. With the wear and tear that time subjects all of us to, it was shortened to Smilla.

Which is merely a sound. If you look beyond the sound, you will find the body with its circulation, its movement of fluids. Its love of ice, its anger, its longing, its knowledge about space, its weakness, faithlessness and loyalty. Behind these emotions the unnamed forces rise and fade away, parceled-out and disconnected images of memory, nameless sounds. And geometry. Deep inside us is geometry. My teachers at the university asked us over and over what the reality of geometric concepts was. They asked: Where can you find a perfect circle, true symmetry, an absolute parallel when they can't be constructed in this imperfect, external world?

I never answered them, because they wouldn't have understood how self-evident my reply was, or the enormity of its consequences. Geometry exists as an innate phenomenon in our consciousness. In the external world a perfectly formed snow crystal would never exist. But in our consciousness lies the glittering and flawless knowledge of perfect ice.

If you have strength left, you can look further, beyond geometry, deep into the tunnels of light and darkness that exist within each of us, stretching back toward infinity.

There's so much you could do if you had the strength. It's two hours since the movie ended. Two hours since Jakkelsen locked his door. But there's no reason to be impatient. You can't grow up in Greenland without being familiar with abuse. It's an erroneous cliche that narcotics make people unpredictable. On the contrary, drugs make them very, very predictable. I know that Jakkelsen will come. I have the patience to wait as long as it takes. I lean forward to turn off the light so I can sit in the dark. The light switch is between the sink and the closet, so I have to lean forward.

That's the moment he chooses. He must have been standing with his ear to the door. I've underestimated Jakkelsen. He has sneaked up to my door and unlocked it, waiting for some audible movement inside-without my hearing him, even though I'm sitting right behind the door. Now he opens it so that it strikes me on the temple and knocks me to the floor between the bed and the closet. Then he's inside and has shut the door behind him. He's not going to rely on his own physical strength. He has brought along a big marline spike with a wooden handle and a hollow tip of polished steel.

"Give it here," he says. I try to sit up.

"Stay down!"

I sit up.

He shifts the marline spike in his hand so the heavy end is pointing down, and with the same motion he strikes my foot. He hits the bone of my right ankle. For a moment my body refuses to believe the extent of the pain, then a white tongue of fire shoots through my skeleton to the top of my skull, and my upper body drops back to the floor of its own accord.

"Give it here."

I can't say a word. But I put my hand in my pocket, pull out the little plastic container, and hand it to him. "All of it."

"In the drawer."

He pauses for a moment. To reach the desk he'll have to step over me.

His nervousness is more pronounced than ever, but there's something determined about him. I once heard Moritz say that you could live a long healthy life on heroin. If you could afford it. The stuff itself has an almost preservative effect. What puts junkies in their graves are the cold stairways and liver infections and the contaminated additives and AIDS and the exhausting business of getting money. But if you can afford it, you can live with your dependency. That's what Moritz said.

I thought he was exaggerating. The cynical, ironic, distanced exaggeration of a professional. Heroin is suicide. I don't think it's any better because you drag it out over twenty-five years; no matter what, it's a form of contempt for your own life.

"You get it out for me," he says.

I pull myself into a squatting position. When I try to stand, my right leg buckles and I fall to my knees. I make the fall look a little worse than it is and use the sink to pull myself up. I take the white towel from the row of pegs and wipe the blood off my face. Then I turn around and hobble a step toward the desk and the drawers, with the towel still in my hand. I turn to face the closet.