Smother (15 page)

“Fire burns, Reese. Be careful,” he said in a low voice.

She walked to her apartment without answering or looking back.

Fire burned, yes, but it also created and destroyed. It wiped away things for new things to come. It killed, but it also birthed. She would let it lick her skin, scorch all of her, until she was one single flame. She would let it snuff her out, take her heat away, and form her into something else. It was all about transformation—changing into another thing when she couldn’t stand what she was anymore.

And because she was burning up from the flames that lived in her soul, later that night she knocked on Mick’s door. He opened it with a frown on his face and she pushed the door open further, closing it behind her. She didn’t give him a chance to talk, she didn’t give him a chance at all. He was done for the instant he met her.

Reese kissed him hard, grabbed at his hair and refused to let him push her away when he tried. He tasted like sin and regret, and the kiss was bitter with her betrayal. The room was dimly lit and she tripped over something, her weight pushing him back and onto the couch. She straddled Mick, felt his body respond against her, and pressed into him as hard as she could.

She had to do this. She had to hurt Leo before he hurt her. He was too close. He meant too much. Reese had to end it before it started.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
She didn’t even know who she was apologizing to—Mick, Leo, her. The kiss was full of grief, her tears ready to fall if she let them.

“Reese,” he panted when he finally tore his mouth away even as his hands clenched into her hips. Such a paradox, like all men. Like her. “We can’t do this.”

She nipped at his collarbone and air hissed through his lips. She felt her heart wither a little more. “That’s why we should.”

Mick grabbed her wrists and pulled them down, untangling her fingers from his hair. Desire dilated his pupils, flushed his skin. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and Leo, but I don’t want to get in the middle of it.”

Don’t do this.

I have to do this.

I always have to do it.

Reese stared at him, another chunk of her heart tearing off. “Nothing at all is going on between us,” she whispered, longing for more of the booze she’d chugged before showing up at his apartment. No, that wasn’t right—longing for Leo, unable to have him, and so, replacing that yearning for him with another. And Mick, Mick was just the replacement guy, the distraction, the pawn in this sick game inside her head.

She never said she was likable, noble, or even fair. Mick was the catalyst that would turn Leo against her, finally. And when that happened, nothing would be safe. Reese’s deceit would come tumbling down, pummeling her world, and anyone in it, to the ground. Mick would give her peace in the most twisted of ways. She would be given nothing, all of what could be taken away. Even as she moved against Mick, she was struck by images of Leo.

Gray eyes.

Unsmiling mouth.

Light in the dark, part of the dark, all of the dark.

Leo’s voice sounded inside her mind and she dropped her head back, feeling him instead of the man with her. Mick faded completely away. The low rumble of her boss’s deep voice drifted over her, through her, shooting into her like bullets that left light in their wake. She had to admit it now—the men were always Leo. He lived in the numb parts of her, making her feel them.

Burning her.

Leo was the fire.

Reese spent the night crying. Sleep wouldn’t come, the remorse over her actions drilled into her in lightning quick stabs of pain. She repeatedly changed positions on the bed, got up and paced, chewed on her fingernails. Thought of drinking and denied herself the numbness it promised.

Her heart mourned the loss of him.

He was gone. She never had him and he was gone. Why did she have to be so messed up? Reese pulled her hair, hung her head, covered her face—all of her actions with the intent to separate from herself. Lights came on and off as she moved from room to room, showering three times and still unable to get the imprint of Mick from her skin. She should not know the scent or feel of him. She never should have known him, not in that way.

You did it to save Leo from you.

Reese’s eyes burned and puffed up like red-veined marshmallows. The reflection staring back at her from the bathroom mirror was pale with disgrace. She hunched her shoulders and tightened her grip on the edge of the sink, lowering her head. She took shallow breaths, more broken over this than anything else she’d ever done.

This is you. This is what you do. This is the way it has to be.

Anything else was unacceptable.

She pushed away from the sink, turned the bathroom light off, and shuffled to her bedroom. All the many men she’d allowed into her bed lived in this room, and in her. She curled up on her side and shivered in the dark. Arms wrapped around herself, Reese closed her eyes and waited. Their whispers filled the air, telling her what they thought she wanted to hear. She jerked at the imagined touch of hands on her, the combined scents of too many men filled her nostrils. They were imbedded in her.

She didn’t want Leo to want her, not with the countless sins that covered her flesh.

As tears dripped from her eyes to coat the pillow with her degradation, Reese fell asleep to the sound of her sister. Morgan’s voice was soft, mocking, and tender, as she whispered into Reese’s subconscious—a lullaby for the living from the dead.

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to hurt.

But it’s even better to live in the dark. Live in the dark with me, Reese.

Sink into the darkness with me.

Sleep with me.

I will protect you.

I will hold you.

I will be there for you when you weren’t for me.

Sleep with me, Reese.

Let my cold arms wrap around you and numb you from it all.

I will shield you from it all.

Sleep with me and forget the world.

Reese knew he knew as soon as she walked into the shop. His eyes locked on her and didn’t waver as she headed toward the counter. She returned the stare, unable to see anything in his expression, which meant there was lots to decipher. Reese’s throat tightened and she turned from his gaze. What did she know about him, really? Nothing. How did she understand something she didn’t know?

All of her was ablaze, and not because he was watching her like he was, but with the burn of repentance. She’d done so many unforgivable things, but none of them had dug into her like this last one. She knew who she was hurting this time and it mattered to her.

“You fucked him.”

Her first thought was that that word should not pass his lips, but she supposed that was what it had been and he was keeping it real. No flowery words to beautify the ugliness of the act. Even as she hurt for him, her respect for him rose as well. Reese took a seat on the barstool, strived for a relaxed stance, and failed. Seconds ticked by, at the same time fast and slow.

“Reese.”

Her back stiffened at her name on his lips. She liked the way it rolled off his tongue like warm honey and promises, only to turn bitter with the inability to keep them. Because she wanted to hide from the look in his eyes, she wouldn’t allow herself. She met his gaze, and inwardly crumbled beneath it.

Reese made her tone airy as she answered. “Yep.”

“Why?” No furious accusations or threats, no name-calling—nothing but a question. It made her hate herself more and she didn’t know how that was possible.

“Because I felt like it,” she lied. Even now her skin crawled at the reminder of Mick’s touch, the wrongness of it. Reese wanted to shower again, her stomach clenched with the need to vomit. She wanted to close her eyes against herself and never reopen them.

“You did it to hurt me, but worst of all, you did it to hurt yourself.”

She looked away, throat tight. “You don’t know shit.”

“I know you don’t think you deserve anything good in your life and I know you hurt yourself because of that. Push people away. Pretend you don’t care about anything.”

Reese focused on the air as it entered and left her lungs in a desperate attempt not to cry. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“You want to hurt me, fine, but don’t do things you don’t want to just to push me away. Don’t do things you can’t forgive yourself for.”

“Maybe I liked it.” Her voice was weak and she pressed an arm against her stomach to keep the queasiness at bay.

The eyes that met hers were pale gray with pain. She felt her face crumple and looked away from his gaze. “I don’t understand you,” came out in a whisper so soft she wondered if he’d catch it.

He did. Leo lowered his head until he could see her eyes. No recrimination was found within his features. Reese saw only compassion twisted around hurt. She swallowed thickly. She lied all the time to others, but mostly to herself. She couldn’t lie anymore. The truth was, she wanted someone to never push her away, no matter what she did.

“I know you don’t.”

Mick chose that unfortunate moment to enter the tattoo shop. He looked at Leo, then Reese, his face falling as he accurately read the scene. “Ah, man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to—”

Leo strode up to him and slammed a fist into his face. A loud crack sounded, and Mick sank to his knees with his hands over his nose.

“Son of a bitch, man!” Blood flowed around his hands and in between his fingers.

“I told you not to touch her,” he snarled. “You’re lucky that’s all I’m doing.”

Reese waited for him to say something to her, to at least look at her again, but all he did was walk through the shop to get to his apartment. Apparently they weren’t working today. Guilt over that hit her as well. She didn’t know how she could breathe around all of it pushing at her.

She took a shuddering breath, her movements slow and weighted. She looked at Mick, his current pain the result of her misdoings. Reese hadn’t thought about Leo’s reaction to him—she’d only thought about his reaction to her. She was sorry for that, but it didn’t change anything. She did what she had to do, and those around her paid for it.

“You might want to get that checked out,” she said to Mick as she walked by.

“You wanted him to know,” he accused.

Reese paused and her eyes lifted to the apartment building across the street. “That was the whole point of it, yes.”

He called her a name under his breath. She didn’t blame him—she deserved that. Reese pushed the door open, the bell chiming her exit. It was mocking and final.

She didn’t think it was fair of her to tell him she was sorry, because Reese knew she would treat him like shit again. That apology was nothing then, wasted. And she couldn’t do that to him. That was the one thing she could guarantee Leo—he would not get an empty apology from her.

The knock on the door was firm and steady. She knew it belonged to Leo from the concise, demanding sound of it. Reese had expected a phone call, not an actual visit. Hearing his voice would have been hard, but seeing him in person would kill her. And yet, she deserved this. She’d orchestrated the whole thing and there was no turning back now. She owed him this.