Snack (21 page)

Snack shrugs in defeat. “She’s a 7-11. You know, open all night. Convenient. You can get what you want quickly and go home. It’s the place you go when you need something fast, but don’t want to make the effort to go to the real store. And I think the
store
I should’ve shopped in all along is about to close, so I was gonna go to Jacksy. To 7-11.”

This conversation is ridiculous and actually a bit comical. I’m somewhere between pissed off and amused as I try not to smile. “Are you fucking comparing me to a grocery store?”

“No, I’m not. I’m comparing Jacksy to a 7-11. It’s a joke, Minnie. Nothing happened. Or will happen with Jacksy. And I’ve never even been close to comparing you to a grocery store.” Snack and I stare at each other. I don’t know what he’s feeling exactly, but I’m happy and angry and confused and all of a sudden hopeful.

Clip and Sid are laughing, looking between us.

Sid says, “You guys are so weird.”

Slapping Snack on the arm as he goes, Clip runs off toward the waiting Jacksy. He yells to us over his shoulder, “Ya know what? I was always into Slurpees and those hot dogs on the rollers. I think I’d like some 7-11 right now.”

Sid laughs and makes his exit, too. “Uh, I think I hear Colette calling. Yeah, that’s definitely Colette.” Sid runs into SNACKS, but Colette is nowhere in sight let alone calling to him.

Snack and I are left alone with Wookiee. I can’t control Wookiee’s wiggling any longer. Snack plucks him from my arms and I give no resistance. It’s literally a relief to have someone else care for him for a moment. I shake my head and allow the giggle I’ve been suppressing free.

Seeing Snack before me, rubbing Wookiee’s ears, and telling him he’s so sorry he was hurt; the tornado of emotions swirls up again.

“Tell me what happened… to Wookiee… to us,” Snack implores.

We sit on one of the benches in the courtyard of the train station even though the wind is starting to blow a bit harder.

It’s the third time I relay Wookiee’s tale in one day and this time I do it with only a few sobs. Snack, on the other hand, is a blubbering mess. With each detail he kisses Wookiee and apologizes, or strokes his fur and apologizes. It’s touching.

Snack heaves out three large sighs and then asks, “Why didn’t you call me? Or text? I could’ve helped.”

I shake my head. Why didn’t I call him? I thought he hated me. And to be honest, Snack was part of the reason Wookiee was injured as much as I was. “I started to text you a million times and one emotion or another stopped me. And you ran away.”

“It looked like you needed to work things out with that guy.”

“Henry.”

“Henry. Do you… Do you love him?” Snack makes a move to take my hand, but then at the last minute pulls back and carefully holds the cast on Wookiee’s front paw.

After a long pause and contemplating the octagon tiles in the courtyard of the train station for far too long, I say slowly and truthfully, “Snack, I can’t love Henry because I’ve never been out of love with you.” Then I spell it out as plainly as possible. “We were fuck buddies.” It sounds harsh when I say it. I rephrase. “Friends with Benefits. Although, I don’t think I really would’ve chosen him for a friend. We were just two people that lived together and occasionally did things together and slept together, but there was no true connection, no commitment. There never was and there never will be because its over. And I’m sorry I cheated, but I didn’t see it that way—part of me had been cheating on him all along—with you, emotionally.”

Snack stands suddenly. “When’s the next train?”

Weird question. “Soon. Like six forty-five, I think. The one after that is around eight.” I’m confused. Does he want me to go? He hasn’t said a thing about what I just told him. He seems agitated—angry, even.

“OK, let’s go,” Snack says without emotion.

He
does
want me to leave. I swallow the tears running down the back of my throat. “I don’t have a ticket yet.”

Snack grabs my wrist and firmly, wordlessly implores me to sit back down. I don’t understand.

“Minnie, I’m
panicking
inside talking to you here. Like you can escape too easily. What I mean is… let’s both leave… go somewhere else.”

So he wants me to stay. “Why’d you ask about the train?”

“Because I don’t want to say what I need to say, want to say, in a train station full of commuters. Just a sec.” Snack holds up one finger, pulls out his phone, and taps out a text.

What is he doing?

Snack reads my thoughts. “I’m finding a quiet place for us.”

Wookiee, to the best of his current physical ability, has rolled himself up into a ball in Snack’s arms, his eyes closed contently.

Snack stands and locks his tired, but sparkling eyes right into mine. He offers his hand, I take it, and he pulls me up to my feet just in time to glance across the street to observe Sid and Colette getting in Colette’s car. Sid doesn’t look at us but Colette blows us a little kiss and a wave. Then she appears to look at Snack for a couple of elongated seconds before winking at him.

“She closed early?”

“I told her I needed somewhere private. Besides, Gil will be thrilled to have her home early. They rarely get an entire evening together.”

I’m thankful for the space, but it’s going to be hard to let Snack go in the middle of SNACKS, if that’s what needs to happen. Snack places his hand on the small of my back. I don’t move until he applies a little pressure urging me forward.

We get up to the loft and immediately I want to leave. This is a mistake. This is too much. There are too many memories here.

Snack says plainly, “I’ve only loved two women in my life.”

I walk over to Snack and take Wookiee from his arms. “I can’t do this again. I can’t be second choice to a ghost again. Charlotte is dead. Megan is dead. I’m alive and I’m still not good enough. I’ve been in love with you
forever
, Snack. Like forever, forever. Before you were my friend. Before you
liked me
liked me. Before you smashed my heart the first time. But I will not be anyone’s second choice. I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t mean for it to wind up with all of us getting hurt. So, I’m saying good-bye. Good-bye, Snack. Please say good-bye to the kids for me. I promise to keep sending Christmas cards.”

Snack takes Wookiee back out of my arms and places him gently on an armchair by the fire. Wookiee instantly toddles in a circle and makes himself at home by rolling up into a ball. He closes his eyes—tired from today’s adventure.

Snack blocks my retreat. “No, you will not send me any more Christmas cards and I won’t say good-bye to the kids for you.”

“But—”

Snack’s voice gets low. “Let me finish. It’s true. I’ve only loved two women in my life, Min—”

“I know, I know. Megan and Char—”

“Just shut the fuck up, Min!” Snack emphasizes every word and yells up toward the rafters. He runs his hands through his hair.

Oh my God, Snack just swore. He never swears. That was my specialty. He always felt it showed a lack of vocabulary. I disagreed. I contend you can use the word fuck most effectively and in many ways.

Snack is everywhere. He can’t seem to stop moving around the loft. I stand in the same place, practically paralyzed. He starts again. “Like I was saying, two women”—Snack holds up two fingers—“Apart from my mother—only Megan… and you. Min, I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel not good enough. I don’t care about Henry. I know you’d never hurt anyone on purpose, and I don’t even really consider what we did cheating now that you’ve told me the truth.”

“But I lied. A lie of omission.”

“I’ve been lying to myself for years. It’s easy to do. Min, I’ve traveled many steps and too many years to get back to the door of your heart. I’m so tired. I was wondering—if I tried knocking, would you let me in? And if you did, could I never leave? I want to be with you. I thought about you even when I was with Me—” Snack’s voice catches on his wife’s name.

“You can say her name, Snack. Megan. Snack, you just lost your wife. I just… I don’t know? Broke up with my… I don’t know what Henry was. Wook almost died, we’ve only gone on one real date, and I haven’t talked to you in over a week.” Now, I’m just babbling.

Snack paces in front of me, running his fingers through his hair. “I don’t fucking care about any of that!”

Oh my God! He’s really worked up. He just said fuck again. Snack didn’t even stumble on the profanity; he just keeps going.

Snack admonishes himself. “I’m so hard headed! I’ve been crazy about you since the second I met you. I don’t know a time when I didn’t love you. Even when I hated you and you hated me, I loved you.”

“What about Megan?”

“Minnie, I loved her very much. And she was the mother of my children, but she was a poor imitation for you. That sounds horrible. My kids will
never
know that. People, especially ones that don’t know us are going to say it’s wrong. Us, together. And Megan’s parents? They’ll shit kittens, but I’m so lonely. I have been for a while. But not lonely for just anyone. Lonely for you. Please give me another chance. You know me, Min. You’re my girl. You’ve never, not been my girl. I love you.” Snack looks at me for some sort of response.

It’s what I’ve been waiting to hear since he first kissed me at Baskin-Robbins. I don’t even have the desire to say something smartass, just something true. I grab Snack as he paces in front of me and pull him to me. Cupping his cheeks in my palms, I run them down to his bearded jaw and then his shoulders. Snack bends his head down and our foreheads touch. I close my eyes. “I’m not just your girl. I’m your person. And you’re mine. And I love you, too. So, so much.”

Then I find Snack’s lips and kiss him like it’s the first time before I allow his tongue to enter my mouth and glide rhythmically with mine. I moan with happiness and desire.

Snack pulls away. “We don’t have to do this right now. That’s not what this is about.”

“No. I want it to be. It should be.” I reassure Snack and then find his mouth again.

Now that there are no more secrets or concealed emotions between us, our kisses are more electric, more devastating. They rip right into my heart and send jolts of passion to my core. Wordlessly, Snack and I undress each other. I pull his chunky navy blue shawl collar cardigan from his shoulders and practically cover Wookiee when I toss it onto the chair.

Wookiee looks up, but puts his head right back down. It’s like he’s content knowing Snack and I are together.

I run my fingers and hands through Snack’s beard and then over his chest.

He exhales raggedly at my touch and kisses me from my ear, down my neck, to my shoulder. Each suckle from his lips amps up my need.

I grasp the hem of Snack’s white T-shirt, grazing my fingertips across the skin right above his jeans.

Snack groans. “Oh, God, Minnie.” He grabs my ass, pulling me up against him. I feel his insistent hardness through his well-worn jeans. “Again, we have a pants issue.”

I shoot him my best come-on smile and he takes it for the invitation it is. He unzips my jeans. They, along with my panties are off and chucked across the room in mere moments. I am naked from the waist down, covered only by my oversized cashmere sweater.

“Goddam, that’s sexy as fuck!” Snack breathes in my ear as he lifts one of my legs and pulls it up around his waist. He runs his fingertips up and down my leg and I shiver.

“Wow, I have never heard you use the fuck like this.” I tease him.

“Someone once told me it was very effective. I have come to believe that in the past few minutes.”

When I throw my head back in genuine laughter, Snack kisses my neck. One of his hands skates up my side under my sweater. He nimbly removes my bra and cups my breast. I grind my pelvis into his. Snack grabs my other leg and pulls it up around his hip so he’s carrying my full weight. He walks toward the bed still kissing me the entire time.

I reach down and grab his T-shirt again. This time successfully pulling it up and over his head, only breaking the deliciousness of his mouth on mine for a nanosecond.

Snack smiles into our kiss. My sweater is removed in the same manner, right before Snack drops me on my back onto the bed.

I lay there, perfectly happy, in nothing but a smile gazing up at the most beautiful man in the world. The only man I’ve ever loved. Or ever will. And I’m disappointed because he has on far too many clothes.

“Snack,” I command, “pants. Make them go away.” I point at his crotch.

Snack wastes not a tick. His jeans are off and have joined mine somewhere in the loft. There he is, all of him. I push myself up on my elbows for a better view. My eyes can’t stop surveying his body. They move from one gorgeous element of him to the next, taking in the totality of his completely toned, powerful self. I can even get a good look at his tight, muscular ass in the mirror behind him.

Snack must having been doing the same thing because when he finally touches me, our eyes snap to each other. Snack runs his hand from my outer knee up to my inner thigh, dragging his thumbnail along its path. My skin pebbles and all the hairs stand up all over my body. When he reaches the apex of my thighs, he drags his fingers from one hipbone to the next and then back and then finally slips his thumb down, unhooding my clit. From there he circles and circles and I can no longer hold myself up on my elbows.

I fall back and pull in the pleasure. It’s so overwhelming I have to close my eyes.

Snack lifts one of my legs to his shoulder and he drops to his knees. He replaces the circular motion of his thumb with his tongue. Round and round, unrelenting. Pausing every few rotations to suck deeply at my clit. I claw at his hair and back when my release overtakes me, and I curl up toward him involuntarily, every muscle in my core clenching.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” I chant like a prayer, but Snack doesn’t stop. He makes sure I roll through the feeling a few more times before emerging from below. And I didn’t have to think about Darth Vader even once! It was all Snack!

Snack crawls up my body with a huge smile across his lips. I reach down and take his cock in one hand and his balls in the other, appreciating the hardness and weighing the heaviness. He groans as I run my thumb cross the plush fullness of the head of his cock. I want to do for him what he just did for me and I make a move to sit up. I can’t wait to have him in my mouth, but Snack simply bends down and places his forearms next to my head.