Snare (Delirious book 1) (33 page)

“Yes, you are.” She grips me tighter. “But I needed it, I guess.”

“You need an asshole,” I joke.

“No, I needed the pain in order to remember … to remember …” She licks her lips, tears welling up in her eyes again.

“It’s going to be okay.”

She looks up at me again. “How can you say it’ll all be okay? Did you hear everything I said?”

“Yes … and I’m mortified. If this is all true, then Jesus Christ …” I let out a big sigh. I can’t let my feelings get in the way of this. “Regardless, it’s in the past now.”

Her fingers curl around the fabric of my shirt. The way she clutches me is sweet, tender, like a child, and yet I don’t view her as such. She is the only one who can make me want her. Who can make me do things I didn’t think I had the courage for. She brings out the poison in me that could kill us both, and yet I desire nothing more than to repeat it … over and over again.

She sniffs. “That doesn’t make me better. That doesn’t bring them back to life.”

“It won’t.” Somehow, a part of me wishes I could do just that. “But now that you remember, it will make it easier to cope with. Maybe, in time, you can learn to accept it. Learn to move on. Live your life again.”

She shakes her head. “No … not after this.”

“Nothing is as bad as it seems at first. You’ll live. You’re still alive, and you still will be. Just keep going forward. You’ll get there.”

“Where is there? What exactly do I have to look forward to?” The desperation in her voice makes me frown and anger boils inside me. I hate that she feels this way, hate that this trauma has ruined her to the point that she’s given up. I look down at her, my hand finding its way to her face before I realize it. I cup her chin and caress her cheek, wiping away the tears. She lies in the arms of a monster, taking comfort in the words of a brute, bent and twisted by a beast. I wish to tell her there is still a future for her, but I fall short of words. There is no future with me, only certain death.

She blinks away the tears in her eyes. “I understand if you don’t want to answer. I wouldn’t know the answer myself, either. God, I don’t even want to think about it anymore. Now that I remember, all I want to do is block it out again.”

“Don’t. It won’t make things easier.”

“I know …” she sighs.

I smile at her. It is the only thing I can do.

The only thing that might make her heart beat again.

A smile in exchange for a little happiness.

I’m devoid of it myself, but for a split second, I can imagine myself being happy with her. If only.

“Let me help you get to wherever you want to go,” I say.

She diverts her eyes. “Is this … is this why you brought me here? So I could remember?”

“In part, yes. I knew about your problem with the bunny and I wanted to see if I could help you with it.” I lick my lips. I cannot ignore the fact that I was a little selfish and went over the top with my session. I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I was caught up in the moment, caught up in lust, caught up in her. Sometimes I forget that there is another human near me—someone whose soul is still intact and whose heart bleeds. I might be a monster, but I do not enjoy the pain of others. Well, only their physical, sexual pain. I don’t derive pleasure from hurting her emotionally.

And yet, that’s all I seem to do. All I know I have to do in order to keep us both safe.

I clear my throat. “I’m sorry if I was little hard on you.”

“A little? That’s a bit of an understatement,” she scoffs.

“You would’ve never found out about all those things otherwise. You needed the push. You needed to be broken in order to heal.”

“I needed to be broken? Do you know how bad that sounds?”

“Yes, I do.” I tilt her head, making her look at me. “But I know you can handle it. There is a fire in you, Miss Carrigan, whether you see it or not. I know it’s there. Your flame has waned, but that doesn’t mean you can’t rekindle it. That
I
can’t rekindle it. Let me be the spark to light you up.”

A flush appears on her cheeks, the first step toward recovery. I’ve distracted her from her thoughts. Even if only for a second, I succeeded in bringing her a little peace. It quickly disappears again. “Mister Brand …” she sighs. “You confuse me.”

I laugh. “I have that effect often, I’m told.”

“You were not the man I thought you were.”

“I’m not, but does it truly make you unhappy?”

Her eyebrows draw together, and she shifts in her place. “I wouldn’t know how to answer that without coming across as insane.”

“It’s okay to be a little crazy. When you’re with me, that’s all I ask for. Let go of your inhibitions. Let me take away your fears, learn to love the pain, let it take you to the world of ecstasy and bliss.”

She fists her hand in my shirt. “Is that love? Is that what I need?”

“Love comes in all shapes and sizes.”

“But to be used as a slave? To be a prisoner in the home of a man who hates me?”

I grab her wrist and squeeze. “Do
not
say that. I do not hate you, Miss Carrigan. Have I not proven that to you already?”

“How can you call what you do anything
but
hate?”

“It is devotion, Miss Carrigan.” I sigh and let go of her hand, raking my fingers through my hair instead. I could never explain this to her. There’s no point. The truth will make her flee, but when I help her remember, she will hate me for it. Whatever course I take, both will lead toward a fate where I lose her forever, but at least we will both be safe.

And the worst part is that I don’t know if I want that anymore.

I’m truly losing the battle. Losing was never part of my plan.

I inhale sharply. “I cannot and will not explain myself to you, Miss Carrigan. I am what I am, take it or leave it.”

“But I am not allowed to leave …”

“Would you, if you were given the choice?”

She’s silent for a moment.

“That’s what I thought.”

“I was still thinking,” she huffs.

“I know what you’re thinking. You think it is wrong what I do to you. That you should despise me for putting my dick in your mouth and ass. You think you should hate that you liked it. See, but here’s the thing. You
think
too much. Stop letting your morals get in the way of true bliss. I can give you that and more. Have I not proven it to you? Did you not enjoy being licked? Did you not adore my finger probing your pussy or the shameful delight of having my cock up your ass? You cannot honestly tell me you didn’t like any of it, whether it was the spanking, the sucking, the fucking, or the plugging.”

She sucks in her lips, hiding a cheeky smile. I can’t help but be a little mad at her for not wanting to open her eyes and see. Truly open herself up and let me in. It would be for the best.

“Tell me … Tell me the truth,” I murmur against her skin, planting a kiss against her temple.

“Maybe …”

“Maybe or yes?”

“Yes, a little bit.”

“A little bit isn’t yes. You’re still avoiding it.”

“And I’ll keep doing that for as long as you won’t allow me even the slightest bit of freedom. You took my freedom from me, Mister Brand, and my body. The least you could do is grant me a bit of time away from it all.”

“And that will make you less reluctant?”

“Maybe.”

I roll my eyes. It’s quiet for a minute. I just sit here with my arms folded around her, kissing her head softly, letting her know I’m still here, whether she wants me to be here or not. I will worm my way into her heart, whether she allows it or not.

If
is out of the question.
When
is more like it.

“I want to know what happened,” she suddenly says. “Everything.” She gazes up at me with a gleam of courage in her eyes, which sparks an unknown arousal in me. The kind that makes me want to carry her across the ocean myself.

This feeling is unfamiliar and frightening to me, but I can’t help succumbing to it.

“I want to visit my home.”

“All right,” I say.

She gasps. “Wait … just like that? You’re going to let me?”

“Of course. But you’re not going alone.”

“Oh …” The slight disappointment in her voice is not hard to miss.

“It would be too dangerous for the both of us if I were to ever let you out of my sight.”

“Why?” Her curiosity takes me aback for a second.

“You’ll know, in time.”

“I want to know now.” Her hand comes up to my face, and I lean away from it, thinking she may want to hit me or strangle me for what I did to her. Instead, she palms my jaw, her thumb stroking my skin. Instinctively, I place my hand over hers. “Please …” she mutters. Her delicate fingers tantalize me, so sweet, so …
Fuck
.

I swat her hand away. “Don’t. You won’t tempt me into spilling, so stop trying. I will tell you when it’s necessary and not a moment sooner.”

“It would make it easier for me to accept being here. To live as your … submissive.” She frowns. “No matter how much I try, I can’t seem to shake the need … the need to be with you. And it angers me so much.” She slams her lips shut.

“Would it make you feel better if I told you I feel the exact same thing?” Her smile makes me smile. “Except, I feel an uncontrollable urge to dominate you, and you bring out this urge in me. I can’t resist. I refuse to. It is who I am; it’s my very nature.” I cup her face. “And it is in your nature to need a strong man who can pull you through the darkness and back into the light again.”

“I know … and I don’t want to fight anymore … I can’t. I need to heal, and I can’t do it unless ….”

“Unless you completely surrender,” I say.

Her breath falters. “I’m afraid.”

“Give me your fear. Give me all of it,” I say, holding her face in both hands. “Because I need it. I need you.” I don’t even think before I crash my lips into hers. I need her, I want her. The moment I met her, I knew there was a connection between us, and I can no longer deny the powerful attraction I feel toward her. I kiss her, uncontrollably—her soft, luscious lips opening up for me. I lick the seam of her mouth and push my tongue in, probing her mouth. She lets me in, freely, out of her own will. She lets me kiss her, lets me take the pain away, and lets me give her the love she needs. Even though it is laced with poison, my kiss brings her peace. Her mouth splits open my soul, the way she gently kisses me back all consuming. I’ve known this for quite some time now, and yet I refused to listen to the voice in the back of my head.
You’re falling for her … you’re falling for her.

It’s already too late.

I know how this journey ends for the both of us. In shambles, chasing memories and impossible dreams. Destruction. And I will be the catalyst of it all.

Accompanying song:
“Fivefold” by Agnes Obel

Providence, Rhode Island – May 16
th
, 2013