Snare (Delirious book 1) (9 page)

“He. Does,” I say.

“Stop lying to yourself.”

“I can prove it.” I pull apart the mattress and the box spring, taking out the box where I keep all the notes I get from Sebastian. I grab a few, get back up, and push them into the palm of her hand. “Here.”

Baffled, she just stares at me like I’m insane or something.

“Well, look at them,” I say.

She picks one up, opens it, and laughs.

She laughs.

I did not expect that.

“You’re not serious, are you?”

“What’s so funny? He gave me those notes.”

“Miss Carrigan …” She places her hand flat on her forehead and chuckles. “You wrote this yourself.”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“Have you even looked at these?” she says, and then she holds it in front of me.

In shock, I gaze at the paper, my legs trembling, almost giving away. I’m horrified.

“No…” I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes.

“You did this, and you don’t even remember.” She tucks the notes into her pocket and then walks to my bed, grabs the box, and takes it with her.

“Don’t take those!”

“Miss Carrigan, I have to. You know this isn’t good for you, I have no other choice. You have to start facing the truth.”

I try to fight her for the box, but she pushes me back. “Behave, or I’ll send a guard your way and you’ll be strapped to the bed for the rest of the day!”

She dismisses me with a look that makes me want to scream and tear my hair out.

“I expect to see you at breakfast within five minutes.” With an annoyed stride, she walks out the door and slams it shut behind her.

“Fuck you!” I yell, but it’s no use, since she can’t hear me anymore.

I break down against the door, sniffing, bawling my eyes out while I sink lower and lower, deeper and deeper, into the darkness that resides in my heart. I rummage in my pocket looking for some tissues. Once I grab ahold of something, I take it out, and almost blow my nose with it when I realize it’s not really a tissue. It’s another note. And this time it’s sealed shut with tape.

Fazed, I look at it, wondering what in the hell this all means. With care, I peel the tape, trying not to rip the paper, when a key drops out from underneath. I grab it from the floor and look at it. Something about this key seems very familiar, like I’ve seen it a million times before. I tuck it in my pocket, too curious about the note.

Lillith. I hope you had some very sweet, deliciously naughty dreams last night. I cannot stay by your side, but know that I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Do not fear the future. I do think I have given you enough incentive to bloom again. So let me give you this one last gift to complete your transition. Break free from this place. Make it your choice to look for your own salvation, and don’t listen to what anyone else tells you to believe.

You wanted freedom. Be free.

But do not, under any circumstances, try to find me. Ever.

This is not just a warning.

I saved your life. I could ruin it just the same.

Being with me will destroy you.

Find your own path. Free yourself of the burden to need anyone but yourself in this world. It’s for the best.

Sebastian Brand.

A knot forms in my chest, preventing me from breathing. This note makes me feel ill. This isn’t my handwriting, contrary to what everyone wants me to think. Regardless, this note speaks volumes, but I refuse to believe Sebastian doesn’t want me. He
does
. I could see it in his eyes, that moment of pure honesty, where I saw a tiny inch of emotion seeping through his heart, dripping into mine. He needs a companion.

Why he writes this—that I have to stay away or he’ll destroy me—baffles me.

Something isn’t right. I can’t … I can’t do what he wants. No matter how much I try to make myself believe I can obey his command—this one time, I can’t do it. I need to be with him.

Taking the key out of my pocket, I realize what I need to do. I finally recognize it, and its purpose is exactly what I need right now. With this, I will escape this institution and find Sebastian so that I can be his forever.

I am insane, and I don’t care.

Illusion or not, I’d rather live a lie than die in here trying to find out what happened to me.

So, I get up and pack my things in a hurry, not stopping to think about the consequences of my decision. The only sin I think about is my heinous selfishness when it comes to Ashley. I am leaving her here, alone, to rot, and I hate it. However, I know I’ll never get past the guards unseen and break her out. It’ll never happen. The only thing I can pray for is that I get out of here without being seen, and that one day I can come back here to get her out.

Making a cross on my chest, I swear to her with a whisper that I will get her away from here one day, using whatever means necessary. I will make this right.

Accompanying song:
“Dream Is Collapsing” by Hans Zimmer

Unknown -
January 29
th
, 2013

In his arms, I collapse. I can’t take this anymore. They’ve stripped me of everything. Not just of my clothes, but of my humanity. I’m nothing; a soulless, vapid shell of the fiery redhead I used to be. My muscles refuse to listen to my commands; they’ve lost the will to function. I’ve lost the will to walk. To talk. To live. There is no point anymore. They broke me.

“Stay with me.”

I hear his voice—it feels so far away, even though I know he’s nearby. I can hear his heart beat inside his chest, the rhythmic pumps so soothing, so controlled. Not even one bit faster than before.

His warm hands cradle me as I hang lifeless in his arms, my head leaning against his shoulder. I take in a whiff of air. His musky scent calms down my heart, which was beating so fast I felt like it was going to burst from my chest.

He holds me close to him, like a precious gem he doesn’t want to lose. He pets my hair in long, soft strokes. His voice is low, steadfast, concerned. His words are strained with guilt.

If only I knew why.

“Lillith,” he says.

I can barely hear him now. My eyes keep closing, tired of the world.

“Lillith, look at me.” His authoritative voice brings me back in the here and now. Raising my head, I look at him, and suddenly, I notice all the blood spatters on his face. His eyes are filled with tears of remorse.

Carefully, he sets me down on a chair. I don’t know where I am, nor do I care. I’m drifting in and out of consciousness, struggling to stay awake for him. Only he keeps me from drowning in the darkest nightmare. He pulled me out of pure insanity.

“Open your mouth.”

Something cold pushes against my mouth, and I gasp for air, but instead the fluid runs down my throat.

“Drink. Swallow,” he says. It’s a bottle of water. I’m suddenly aware that I’m dying of thirst, and gulp in the water like there’s no tomorrow. My throat aches from pain.

He exchanges the bottle with something sweet, which tastes like honey, cereal, and fruit.

“Eat.”

One bite is all it takes. That one time I swallow. Images of Ashley flash through my head. The men and what they did to her. How they forced me to witness it. It’s like the horror never ends.

Do you like seeing your friend like this, Miss Carrigan? Enjoy the show while you can.

The moment I hear their voices in my head again, I want to scream, but his hands push my shoulders down and steady me. He goes to his knees and looks me straight in the eye.

“Don’t listen to them. Don’t look. Forget. Forget it all. Just focus on my voice,” he says. “Forget everything you’ve seen and witnessed.”

People walk past us, making me even more nervous than I already was. All of them are monsters in my eyes. No one can be trusted. No one except him.

He grabs my hand and pulls me up from the chair.

“Lillith. Come with me.” I follow him blindly to another room, stumbling on the way. He supports me as we enter an empty, noiseless room with a bed and a chair. Immediately, I sit down in the chair. I don’t have the energy to stand. All I can think about is …

In my seat I tremble, my fingers shaking, the tips feeling numb. Tears drip from my eyes while his hands move down my arms and squeeze my flesh, bringing me back to reality.

“What do you remember?”

I can’t speak. My mind is going numb from the pain. I want to block it all out. I must.

“Listen to me, what do you remember?” His questioning scares me. Not because of his aggressiveness, but because I truly can’t remember. The longer I dig inside my mind, the more it slips away from me. The memories aren’t in my grasp anymore. I’ve lost them; I’ve lost it all.

“Nothing,” I answer with a long, drawn-out sigh.

His eyes study me for a moment, and then they travel down to the floor. He looks defeated and relieved at the same time. I don’t understand. Is he glad for me? Or is he afraid I’ve even forgotten about him?

“I remember you,” I say.

His head tilts up again, his eyes widened. “What?”

“You told me your name. Sebastian. Sebastian Brand.”

He swallows, squinting. For a moment, there is silence. It feels like an eternity before he opens his mouth again. “Is that all you remember? Me?”

“Yes …”

He lets go of me and stands up. From down here, he looks taller than I remember. “How much?”

The longer I think about it, the less I know about him. I don’t even know why he knows my name. However, it doesn’t matter. He made the bad memories go away. He took me out of that miserable place and put me here with drinks and food. I found comfort in his arms. He saved me. He’s the only one I can trust.

Speaking the truth to him is my way of saying that he can trust me, too. I need his trust. I need his presence. I need everything about him, and so I’ll do anything to keep him near me. Anything.

“Your name. And that you saved me. You’re my hero.”

He looks down upon me with contempt in his eyes, his lips pointing downward. “Don’t call me that. Ever again.” He cups my chin with his index finger and thumb, caressing my cheek softly. “I am
not
a hero.” A smile builds up on his face—not one of happiness, but of disappointment. “If only you knew what a monster I can be.”

With his finger, he wipes away the tear running down my cheek and presses it to his lips, kissing it off. I smile at the sight. He’s so sweet and kind to me. I don’t care if he says he’s not a hero; he’ll be my hero forever.

His lips part and he pauses only just a second. “You should’ve listened when I told you not to pick up the phone.”

The words reverberate in my ears. He was the one who warned me. The man at the beach. Holy shit.

Before I have a chance to respond and ask him how much he knows of what happened to me, he’s walked out the room, leaving me here alone with my spinning thoughts. It’s not long after that a lady opens the door again.

“Miss Carrigan?”

I look up, still fazed as to what happened. “Yes?”

“Who were you talking to?”

“Sebastian.”

She makes a face. “Who?”

“He just walked out the door.” I point behind her.

She looks outside but shakes her head. “No one’s there.”

My jaw drops, and I get up from the chair and walk over to her. When I stare out the door, I don’t see him. I turn my head to the other side and notice a man in a suit walking away.

“There he is.” I point at him with one hand while keeping the other firmly on the doorpost, trying not to fall over. I’m still too shaken to stand on my own.

I look at her again, but when she turns her face, all she does is raise an eyebrow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She shrugs. “No wonder they sent you here. C’mon.”