Snow Angels, Secrets and Christmas Cake (19 page)

T
amsin had staggered
in about 4 a.m. the night – or rather the morning – of Mimi’s party. She was pissed and giggling and almost fell into bed.

‘Tam, you’ve woken me up, you noisy sod... so how was it?’ I turned the lamp on and sat up in bed. ‘Your dress is wet… and where are your shoes?’

‘Oh Gabe hurled them into the snow again. Louboutins this time,’ she giggled.

I watched her staggering around the room barefoot, wet through but without a care in the world, and it struck me again how much things had changed. Even as a teenager she’d never come home late after a party, always too worried about what was happening at home. Then with Simon she’d never drink more than a glass or too – worried what he’d think, what he’d say. For the first time in her life she seemed free, and it was wonderful to see her finally having fun.

‘Oh Sam, it was great... Gabe was gorgeous,’ she sighed. ‘I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me do terrible things,’ she giggled.

‘What sort of things did he make you do?’ I’d asked, the look on her face suggested it was either illegal or involved more than two people.

‘We had sex… outdoors... in Mimi’s shed,’ she blurted, looking at me like she was unsure of my reaction.

‘Fantastic! Good for you, there’s nothing wrong with sex in a shed, on a park bench, a beach, the back of a car... I’ve done them all.’

‘Oh my god,’ her hands flew to her mouth. ‘Sam, you are such a hussy... was it good... in the car?’

‘I don’t kiss and tell, you’ll have to find that out for yourself, Tamsin.’

She giggled again.

‘You really like him, don’t you?’ I said.

She nodded. The sparkle was back in my sister’s eyes for the first time in forever.

‘He’s really kind, he makes me feel special.’ She had that faraway look in her eyes. ‘Sam, I’ve never been happier than this past couple of weeks, with you and Jacob and the bakery itself. I feel like I belong.’

‘I think it's because it’s what
you
want to do,’ I offered. ‘You’re living your life – not Simon’s. You never really bought into that corporate world of yachts and golf and posh dinners, did you?’ I asked.

She shook her head. ‘No. I saw all that tonight again at Mimi’s, the fake smiles, the fake friendships... and, goodness me, the fake breasts and teeth! You should have seen them, Sam. No, I didn’t belong there tonight. I like Mimi but I don’t want to be her, I don’t want her life or her handbags. I had such a wonderful time though, in the past I wouldn’t have enjoyed the party, I’d be obsessing about who her caterer was, what produce they used and how I could secure them for next year. Tonight I didn’t give a toss what Mimi had drizzled on her nipples... I meant nibbles.’

‘From what you say about her, you were probably right first time,’ I laughed.

In her slightly inebriated state Tamsin found this hilarious and we laughed loudly about Mimi’s nipples for some time.

She clambered into bed. ‘You know, my therapist told me I was always seeking acceptance because my father rejected me. Ha, I didn’t need to pay £120 an hour to be told that,’ she laughed, without bitterness.

‘I’ve been thinking about what you told me about Dad and the way he treated you – I’ve been trying to work it all out,’ I started gently. ‘And I think because you saw him at his worst, drunk, and aggressive, he was forced to remember that when he looked at you. When he was sober, all the guilt and self-loathing were reflected in his child’s eyes. I know it’s hard to understand, but he hated himself – not you, Tam.’

‘That makes a kind of sense,’ she said, ‘even after a night of shed sex and cocktails.’ She looked over at me and we smiled. ‘I just wish he’d realised the damage he was doing then he might have changed,’ she added, more serious now.

‘He stopped drinking, didn’t he?’ I stroked her hair.

‘But it was too late by then. I never forgave him, so how could he forgive himself? And to think I believed Simon was my salvation. My perfect marriage — as unlived in as my beautiful home.’

‘Oh Tamsin, you mustn’t see your life with Simon in the same way you see your childhood. Don’t dismiss it all as painful and dark... there were good times and good people in that life too. And you have the kids.’

‘I just find it hard to see anything but ghosts in my life. Apart from you and Richard I’ve only known transparent, insubstantial people who faded away when I needed them most.’

‘But you haven’t faded away. You may have felt weakness throughout your marriage but you never showed it and your kids are strong and forthright and…’

‘Yes. A little too forthright at times,’ she laughed.

‘Yes but Tamsin you stopped the cycle. Hugo and Hermione are their own people, however you felt inside and however small and insignificant Dad or Simon made you feel, you taught your kids to believe in themselves.
You
gave them self-belief, something you never had.’

‘Thanks Sam... you might be my little sister, but sometimes I feel like the little one.’ She lay still for a while, thinking then pulled the covers over us both; ‘I’m tired... let’s get some sleep, we’ve got a big day tomorrow,’ she sighed, dropping off.

‘No we haven’t. It’s Sunday, we’re not doing anything.’

She didn’t answer, so I nudged her in the darkness, but she was gone, no doubt dreaming of sex in the snow and a pair of lost Louboutins.

We were like detectives, my sister and I. We were working on cold case files long buried, feelings hidden, pasts covered up. We’d never know why our father drank or why our mother’s self-esteem was so low she stayed with a man who hurt her. Simon’s abuse was subtle, but it was just as cruel, and it would have continued until Tamsin either fought back or shrank to nothing. Sometimes things happen for the best – and it was beginning to look like their devastating financial loss might be Tamsin’s gain.

Now we just had to put the pieces of our past together and create a picture we could both accept and live with. Then perhaps my sister would find some peace.

T
he following morning
I was up with the lark. I’d run out of my Sumatra Wahana so forced myself to drink three cups of disgusting instant coffee, but on only four hours sleep even that wasn’t going to be enough. It was cold, every muscle ached from my ‘outdoor activities’ with Gabe the night before (Oh God, did I really do that?) and I had a hangover. But when the bakery doorbell jangled and the boys came pouring in I was so ready for it and leaped to greet them.

‘Darling, we have come to save Christmas,’ Heddon announced. They were both dressed in white and carrying bags and boxes of all kinds of what they described as ‘festive frou frou gorgeousness’. I squealed with joy and clapped as they swept around the bakery, talking me through their design plans while I added my own thoughts and ideas.

Gabe was making a start on cleaning the walls and was going to paint them and I found every excuse I could to brush past him – it was like electricity between us whenever we touched and I could tell he felt it too. After some flirtation and lingering looks I forced myself to focus on the job in hand. ‘Tamsin’s Angels’ were about to turn The White Angel Bakery into the Winter Wonderland I would have had at home... but it was going to be so much better. I was so excited I could barely contain myself and popped back upstairs to see if Sam was awake. She was in the kitchen, hair on end, looking like death.

‘Are you okay, sweetie?’ I asked.

‘I’m not actually, Tam, I’ve got a headache, I’ve been sick and I think I’ll go back to bed... would you mind keeping an eye on Jacob?’

This was perfect. I was sorry she felt ill but it meant she’d be out of the way for a few hours so we could get a good start and we could surprise her. That way, what she saw as impossible (to re-open the bakery before Christmas) would hopefully seem very possible by the time she saw it.

I woke Jacob, gave him some toast and told him we were doing a top secret surprise for mummy and Gabe needed his help. He couldn’t have been more excited if I’d told him Father Christmas was here and within minutes, he was downstairs, and under Gabe’s fatherly tutelage, Jacob worked alongside him scrubbing soot off the walls like it was a dream job.

I made hot drinks, put on a little Michael Bublé and did what I always do best – supervised – or as Sam would say, ‘bossed everyone around,’ but someone had to keep the boys in order – especially Gabe. The bakery had been cleaned after the fire, thanks to Sam and Mrs J, and was spotless, just needing a light dust and lots of paint. We dragged the reindeer and all the glass ornaments and baubles into the shop and once Gabe had finished painting the walls we didn’t wait for them to dry but just got on with styling.

By mid-afternoon it was starting to look like a bakery again. The walls were painted perfectly, the tables had the most exquisite cloths, and fairy lights were dotted everywhere. We hung glass snowflakes from the ceiling in a spectacular ‘ice-scape’ as Hall referred to it; the flakes were all glass, different sizes and shades of white, and the boys had found a glass top with lace effect for the counter, which was so pretty I almost cried.

Then I almost cried again because stupidly I’d been so obsessed with reindeers and glass baubles I hadn’t considered the tree. But would you believe, Heddon and Hall had – and within minutes Hall came back from their little van carrying a beautiful, pure white Christmas tree, which brought tears to my eyes.

We all dressed it and I even allowed Jacob to put a few pieces of Lego on there – as long as they were white. After a gruelling day, we were ready for ‘the reveal’. The glass and crystal baubles were glittering through the tree fairy lights, the snowflakes sparkled from the ceiling and the whole place twinkled.

I told everyone to be quiet, and I went upstairs to get Sam.

I
’d known
something was going on downstairs that morning, but I assumed it was just the boys visiting for coffee and that Tamsin had kept them downstairs so they could chat and squeal (which they did – a lot!) without disturbing me. A quick coffee with Heddon and Hall could easily turn into an improvised opera or a joint rendition of West End show tunes. And despite them being downstairs, I had enjoyed a Christmas musical extravaganza from my bed courtesy of Heddon, Hall and Tamsin – accompanied by Michael Bublé.

After a particularly gutsy rendition of Ave Maria, Tamsin appeared in my bedroom doorway and suggested I get up.

‘Come and have a cup of tea downstairs with me and the boys,’ she said. ‘It will make you feel better.’

Then Jacob appeared at the bottom of the stairs and told me to close my eyes. I looked to Tamsin for confirmation and she beamed at me and nodded before taking my hand to guide me. I hadn’t a clue what was going on as she walked me down the stairs then apparently through from the kitchen into the shop front. She positioned me in the shop, touched my hand and Jacob shouted; ‘You can open your eyes now Mum.’

I couldn’t believe what I saw – the bakery had been completely transformed. Before the fire it had been a cosy, if somewhat shabby, little place, then a burnt out shell and now... it was still cosy and welcoming, but white and sparkly and very, very beautiful.

The walls had been painted a pale sheen of icy white, gossamer angel wings were scattered everywhere, and fairy lights glinted like diamonds all around the room. By the window was the white reindeer, huge and proud and glistening under several amazing snowflake chandeliers all coming from the ceiling at different heights, in varying shapes. I just walked around in a daze as everyone looked on smiling. They’d cleaned up my tables, covered them in sparkly cloths and tied the mismatched chairs with huge white satin and palest blue bows. The counter glittered under all of the twinkling lights and in the coffee shop stood a beautiful white Christmas tree. I didn’t know where to turn my eyes and they rested for a second on the tree, adorned in white and silver baubles, glass, diamanté, pearl – and was that Lego? – with one, heart-shaped scarlet glass bauble half way up.

I walked over to the tree and, trance-like, I gently touched the scarlet glass, searing in the white glitter.

‘The Bakery’s new beating heart,’ Orlando announced, bowing theatrically. I would normally have rolled my eyes at this, but his sincerity and all their goodness just filled my own heart with sparkles.

‘It’s the most beautiful bakery in the world,’ I started to cry and looked over at Tamsin, who was glowing. ‘I love it, I just love it – thank you,’ I said, wiping my eyes.

‘Oh and before you start going on about money and ovens... the boys have given us a small loan to put a deposit down on a brand new oven. It arrives first thing tomorrow – which is probably as well, because we still have a hell of a lot of orders,’ Tamsin said.

‘No we don’t... you cancelled.’

She looked at me.

‘You didn’t cancel them, did you?’ I said, my heart doing a little jog.

She shook her head and I felt my face drain of blood at the thought of the work and the speed we had to get everything done.

‘Are you up for a few all-nighters, Tam?’ I asked.

‘You bet,’ she beamed.

L
ater
, when everyone had gone home and Jacob had gone to bed, Tam and I sat alone together in our white wonderland and I just gazed around me, taking it in.

‘I know Heddon and Hall are great interior designers,’ I said. ‘But there’s so much of you in here, you gave yourself to this, to the business and I just feel so grateful.’

‘It was driven by self-interest,’ she said, modestly. ‘Being here, building a new business reminds me of the past – the good bits, when Simon and I were starting out. It was all so exciting – everything mattered because we had nothing,’ her eyes grew fiery at the memory. ‘Whatever happens with the bakery, even if it’s a great success, which I hope it will be – I don’t want to lose me again.’

‘You won’t... I won’t let you. I don’t think I realised how much you’d bought into this... the bakery,’ I said, gazing around at the gorgeous decorations, still taking them in. ‘I assumed after the fire, you’d just find something else.’

‘It’s our dream, you said so yourself. I came to you with nothing Sam and in a short time I feel like you gave me my life back – but a better version.’

‘Yeah but these last couple of days, I’ve taken my foot off the gas, I’ve been tired and achy – and I’m ashamed to admit it but I’d given up. You carried on for both of us.’

‘That’s what being part of a team is all about,’ she said.

‘Yes but it’s also what being sisters is all about.’

I
hadn’t failed
to notice Gabe’s presence at the bakery and the glances that passed between him and my sister. And whilst I couldn’t be more pleased for her, it was a stark reminder of the fact my own relationship with Richard was well and truly over. He hadn’t called since our night together and Tamsin said it served me right if he was just using me – he obviously felt like I’d used him for the past twelve months.

On the Monday morning after Mimi’s party weekend Tamsin had kindly offered to take Jacob to school. I was grateful – I was busy baking, but equally I didn’t want to bump into Richard and Carole playing happy families at the school gate.

Tamsin was happy wading to school through the snow in her Gucci snow suit (obviously) and since having his hair cut there’d been no more reports of name calling and Jacob was making more friends each day. On the second day of Tamsin taking him in she’d asked Heddon and Hall to help out and Orlando turned up in his white Aston Martin – much to my horror and Jacob’s delight.

I was very grateful for the help taking Jacob to school but after a few days of Tamsin, Orlando and a very posh car - I decided my son needed a splash of reality and I needed a sniff of Richard (not literally... oh, okay, perhaps). Jacob had been disappointed not to be driven in style and almost had a tantrum when he found out he’d be with me.

‘But I want Auntie Tamsin and Uncle Orlando to take me in their lovely car,’ he’d stropped. According to my son, all his friends had thought Tam was on the telly and had her own show, which of course she did – in her head.

Arriving at the school gates felt very strange that morning. Kids were coming up to Jacob and giving him high fives and yummy mummies were ruffling his short hair and saying ‘what a cutie he is’ in my earshot. It made a change from the way they backed off like he had nits when his hair was longer. Had a mere haircut created these superfans?

It wasn’t long before I spotted Richard across the playground. He was chatting to a group of mums and dads and I felt a stab in my heart. I was relieved to see he was on his own and not with Carole but tried not to make it too obvious I was looking. I had just said goodbye to Jacob when a couple of ‘mummies’ wandered over rather self-consciously. I recognised the blonde one, she’d laughed at my homemade rucksack once and her friend had made a very audible remark about my shorts on Sports Day.

But for some reason these two glamour queens seemed very eager to be my friends. They were all over me asking how the bakery was doing and asking where my sister was.

‘Are your sister and Orlando... together?’ one of them asked.

‘No, he’s in a relationship,’ I said. I didn’t ‘out’ him there and then, I thought the blonde highlights and ‘man bag’ he carried might have revealed where his preferences lay – but apparently not. They ooed and aahed and made ridiculous small talk, but I couldn’t join in like Tamsin clearly had. I was relieved when Richard turned up at the side of me.

‘You walking my way?’ he asked. I nodded, gratefully and eagerly, and said my goodbyes to my fawning audience as we walked off.

‘My sis and Orlando have certainly made an impression on the yummy mummies,’ I said as we walked in synch.

‘Yeah, she is so funny. I had to laugh at her yesterday getting out of that car in her fancy clothes and dark glasses, Orlando rushing round to the passenger door to open it for her. Hey, and Jacob – he’s a rock star at the school since your sis started doing his PR.’

‘Yeah, well after his hair cut he says everyone treats him like a boy now... so she was right on one thing.’

We walked in silence for a while and I was just about to ask him how things were with Carole, when we were caught up by another group of women.

‘We’ve been looking for you, Sam,’ said one of them, like we were old friends. She was blonde and pretty, wore bright pink boots – I’d noticed her before – but she’d never noticed me.

‘Why?’ I asked, alarmed. ‘Is Jacob okay?’

They laughed self-consciously.

‘Yes, he’s fine – we just wanted to ask if you fancied meeting up for lunch at the pub on the day the kids break up? We go every Friday lunchtime and we thought you might like to join us?’

I was amazed. After all this time why did they suddenly want my company? I didn’t want to be rude, but it was the last thing I wanted. If they couldn’t accept me before, why now?

‘I’m sorry, I’m working at the bakery,’ I tried a smile.

‘Is it going well? We heard about the fire,’ one of them said, looking stricken, the others all nodded.

‘It’s great now thanks – it’s been tough, but we’re getting there.’

I was so unused to this attention it freaked me out. Then they all asked individually if we could swap mobile numbers so they could ‘keep me in the loop, socially’. I was mid-swap when Richard leaned in. ‘I’ll get off, Sam, I have to speak to a client at 9.30, so see you around,’ he said in a low voice. Richard worked with computers, he rarely spoke to clients, if anything he used email and I wondered if this was just an excuse to go. I watched him walk away through acres of white and disappear as my new ‘fans’ milled around me, admiring my hair, my clothes, my ‘lovely eyes’.

What the hell was going on? I was very confused and because of these stupid women Richard had now gone. I didn’t want this; I’d never wanted these people to befriend me. For the past eighteen months I had felt their stares, their unspoken ridicule, and like when I was a kid at school, I’d just kept my head down. Funny how people didn’t really change, the template we make as a child stays with us, a few modifications here and there – but the women hanging around the school gate were exactly the same as the girls they’d once been.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but as I walked home, alone, I wondered if this new-found adoration had less to do with me and more to do with my meddling sister. And later, when I told her what had happened, she fobbed it off too easily... no inquisition, no details required, she just laughed and said, ‘People.’

‘No it’s more than just a random decision to include me,’ I said, making eye contact. ‘Have you told them you’ll hit them if they don’t make friends with me – like you did at school? Because if you have I’ll be furious.’

‘How ridiculous. I haven’t said anything, but I think it would make life easier for Jacob if you’re part of the mummy brigade.’

‘Really? Oh God, I’d end up thumping them, the way they dance around each other, twirling and gossiping and moving from camp to camp. Who’s in favour this week? Who’s out of favour now? I don’t care.’

‘Well, perhaps you should.’

‘No. Today those women were like zombies, staggering through the snow to paw at me and touch my hair –what the hell is going on?’

‘I told you Sam, it’s the snow – it’s sent everyone mad.’

I shrugged, perhaps Tamsin was right and this white-out had created a dislocated reality for all of us. I couldn’t explain it any other way.

I wasn’t going to let annoying women stop me collecting Jacob, so later that day I wandered back to the school delighted to see my son surrounded by lots of friends.

I stood near the school entrance, waiting for him, and was soon joined by Richard. I was pleased to see he was alone and despite him now being ‘taken,’ I still wanted to be around him. I just hoped I could get over him one day.

We chatted about the kids for a while then he looked and me and said; ‘You seem preoccupied, a bit pale, are you okay... with everything that’s going on?’

I nodded. ‘Yeah, I’ve not been too good - I’m fighting flu I think.’

‘I just thought you seemed a bit overwhelmed with it all.’

‘Oh it’s been quite a few weeks what with Tamsin, then the van, then the fire, but things are getting back to normal now. Mind you this morning was a bit much with the desperate housewives.’

‘Yeah it looked like it, they all want a bit of your limelight, don’t they?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘The reality show... everyone’s talking about it.’

‘I still don’t know what you mean...’

‘It’s okay, the cat’s out of the bag, Tamsin’s already told everyone. I’m not surprised, I always knew you were a bit of a star, Sam... and now you’re getting your own TV show.’