Snowfall at Willow Lake: Lakeshore Chronicles Book 4 (37 page)

S
ophie hadn't dismissed Tariq's suggestion of a trip to Umoja out of hand. She had developed a true affinity for the people of the embattled nation. It was a hellishly long trip, but the closure of seeing the results of justice would be so satisfying. She thought about what she'd done that night, about the people who had died because of her. She needed to come to terms with that, too, with the breath-stealing moment of decision that had caused her to act. Seeing the liberated nation wouldn't erase the memory; she knew better than that. But its transformation would be a powerful reminder of the lives that had been saved because of the court's action.

Later, though. Maybe in the summer, she'd take Max, although that would mean missing the national week of celebration. For now, she planned to savor the new closeness she'd found with her family. There hadn't been one big dramatic moment of revelation. Simply by being there, moment by moment, she'd built a bridge between herself and her children. Instead of the temporary, truncated scheduled visits of the past, she was able to relax in the knowledge that she had all the time in the world.

Time. She was also coming to terms with being madly in love with a younger man. She was determined not to let the differences in their ages matter, and had come to believe that the more closely she knit herself into the life of this new community, the less preoccupied she would be with the idea that when she had been getting her law degree, he'd been earning a high-school freshman letter in baseball.

She had decided to go about the business of fitting into the community the way she did everything else—by making and executing a plan. She was actively looking at homes for sale. Another important component of that plan involved friendships. In her life, she had several close, cherished friendships—her girlfriends from college, who had been there for her when she'd found herself unexpectedly pregnant with Daisy. Tariq from The Hague, whose humor and caring had seen her through the lonely times without her children. But now everyone was so far away. Closer to home, she had only Gayle Wright. If Sophie was going to be in Avalon, she needed to expand her circle of friends. But how? She'd come to realize a planned siege was the old-Sophie way of thinking. The past few weeks had shown her that the rules were different now. Friends would ultimately seek each other out. Still, she was determined to make new connections here. She had to.

So far, she had bought a cup of coffee for Hattie Crandall, owner of the bookstore that occupied the street-level space below the law office, and she'd taken in a movie with Becky Murray, the woman who had been Daisy's childbirth instructor. Today, she took Daphne McDaniel to lunch. The receptionist of the law office was young and hip. It wouldn't hurt for Sophie to hang out with someone like her.

They went to a trendy café on the main square, where all the menu selections were organic, vegetarian and named after characters in
Lord of the Rings.

“I'll have the Boromir sandwich,” Sophie told the girl at the counter.

“You didn't even read the description,” Daphne pointed out.

“They had me at ‘Boromir.' He's such a tragic character. He's the one who betrayed his friends, and then found redemption, but paid the ultimate price for it.” The sandwich turned out to be not so dramatic—a whole-wheat pita stuffed with alfalfa sprouts and hummus.

“You sound like a Tolkein fan,” Daphne commented.

“I need to reread those books,” Sophie said, shocked to realize her copies were at least a quarter of a century old. “How about you? I noticed you're reading Robert Silverberg.”

Daphne nodded. “I've been on a sci-fi kick for quite a while now. One of my ex-boyfriends introduced me to the classics of the genre, and I got hooked on Silverberg and Theodore Sturgeon.”

Noah was a science fiction fanatic, too. Sophie decided she should give it a try.

“Ex-boyfriend?” she commented, focusing her attention on Daphne. “Are you seeing anyone now?”

Daphne shook her head. Her smile was a little wistful. She was a pretty girl, Sophie observed, though that was not immediately noticeable. The anime style—neon-pink highlights in her hair, uncomfortable-looking facial piercings and shiny black clothes—tended to overshadow her beauty. Sophie brought her thoughts up short. She was thinking like a mother, not a friend, a coworker. Someone to whom age was only a number.

“It's been a while,” Daphne said. “I…my last boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. Or no. God, it's been like, eight or nine months, and I haven't met anyone new. Guys worth dating, that is. Hazard of living in a small town, I guess.” She added a dollop of honey to her rosehip tea. “Anyway, there are things I miss about him, so much.”

“Like what?” asked Sophie.

“Like…pretty much everything.”

“Maybe you shouldn't have split up.”

“I think about that every day, believe me. But the reason for the split is a total deal-breaker.”

Sophie waited, not wanting to pry but dying to hear more. So was this the lot of the small-town lawyer? To experience life vicariously through coworkers and clients?

“Simple, but there's really no work-around. He wanted kids and I didn't,” she said, her eyes misty with regret. “It's one of those things you can't really compromise on. Well, I saw getting a dog as a compromise, but Noah didn't.”

Sophie's blood froze. Was she talking about
the
Noah? Her Noah? Mr. Make-love-until-you-weep Noah? Mr. Storybook-woodsman-rescuer Noah?

She made herself ask. “Would that, um, be Noah Shepherd?”

“Yes. Do you know him?”

“Neighbor across the road.” The words ached like ice cubes in her mouth.

“You do know him.”

You have no idea,
thought Sophie.

“So are you going to do like everyone else, tell me I'm crazy to let him go? Tell me I'm going to want kids one day and I'll never find a better man than Noah to do that with?”

“Sounds like you've already heard those objections.” Sophie felt slightly dizzy, as though she'd been hit when she wasn't looking.

“I have, from everybody.”

“And?”

“I miss him like crazy because he really is a great guy. Wait till you get to know him.”

I didn't wait,
Sophie thought.
I fell right into bed with him.

“It would never work. I still don't want kids,” Daphne said. “I never will. I'm the oldest of five, and I raised my younger brothers and sisters after my mom got sick. So I'm done. That's it for me.” She picked at her sandwich, taking out a pickle slice and setting it aside. “And Noah just couldn't get past that. If you ever meet his family, you'll understand.”

“Understand what?”

“The Shepherds—they're one of those families that seems too good to be true, but they are, you know? They're just so good to each other and so good
for
each other. I mean, how many people do you know who live in the house they grew up in? Most of us can't wait to leave. Noah couldn't wait to fill the place with a family of his own.”

Sophie's mouth was dry; she gulped down her water. The sudden cold caused a flare of pain in her chest. “But if you really loved him, couldn't you have worked something out? A compromise?”

Daphne offered a wistful smile. “You know what? That might have worked for me, but eventually, I figured something out about him.” She took a knife and cut her sandwich down the middle. “He wanted babies more than he wanted me. It was a hard thing, accepting that and walking away, but ultimately, I saved myself a big fat heart-ache.” She took a bite of her sandwich, chewed thoughtfully, then said, “A lot of my friends still think I was nuts to let him go.”

“You want what you want,” Sophie said. “Don't change your goals because of a guy.” Then she forced herself to shut up. She didn't want to manipulate this situation.

“Is this the voice of experience talking?” Daphne asked.

“I wouldn't say that. I had my first child before I'd even considered the question of whether or not to have kids one day.” But the information she had just learned kept pounding at her. Noah had broken up with a girl who did not want babies.

Sophie tried to finish her lunch, but the sandwich turned to cardboard in her mouth. Of course she and Noah hadn't talked about the idea of raising a family: it was too early for that. Now she considered what Daphne had told her, and it all made sense. He was a bighearted man with more love to give than anyone she'd ever met.
Of course
having a family was part of his dream. It was so obvious now that she forced herself to think about it.

She somehow managed to shift the conversation away from Noah, but couldn't pull her mind away from the things Daphne had said, the things Sophie knew in her heart to be true. Noah loved her, yes. But soon enough, the first glow of love would pale and he'd remember he wanted babies and not only would Sophie not give him that, she
could
not.

It snowed again, a fresh blast of winter, skirling across the lake. As soon as she got home from work, Sophie bundled up for the trek to Noah's house. He was just getting in from the clinic, and was still in his scrubs.

“Hey, you,” he said, pulling her in for a kiss and then giving her a smile tinged with fatigue. “You're early.”

“Sorry about that.” She knew she had to address the situation right away. That night—before the usual sweet talk led to lovemaking. What she'd learned from Daphne was going to be a deal-breaker for them, and there was no point in putting it off. Still, she couldn't help noticing the sadness in his eyes. “What's the matter?” she asked.

He braced his arms on the counter, leaned back. “Nothing. Just didn't have time to shower off my day yet.”

Sophie's heart lurched. He almost never complained. “What happened?”

“Nothing unusual, but I had to put a family's dog down today. It was definitely time, but it's never easy.”

She felt horrible, not just about the loss but about her own blindness. He was a man with needs, but he almost never let them show. This whole winter had been about her needs, her issues. No wonder she hadn't bothered to find out his deepest dreams before falling in love with him.

“Oh, Noah,” she said. “I'm so sorry.”

“Thanks. I'll be all right. Comes with the territory.” He turned to the sink and washed his hands. She went to the fridge, got a beer and opened it for him. He smiled. “Better already.”

Sophie took a deep breath. Best to get on with it. The snowfall was coming fast and hard, much as it had been the night they'd met.

“I had an interesting talk with Daphne McDaniel today,” Sophie said. “Your ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh? I didn't realize you knew her.” He seemed unconcerned.

“She works in my office.”

“I didn't know that, either. We don't keep up, Sophie. I haven't seen her in months.”

“She said the two of you split up because you want kids and she doesn't.”

He hesitated, not for long, but it was noticeable. Then he said, “She told you that?”

“Tell me it's not true.”

“Wait a minute. Tell me why you split up with Greg Bellamy.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Give me the reason you broke up with your ex.”

“You're trying to change the subject.”

“True, but I'm also trying to make a point. So what's the reason?”

“We've talked about this. Greg and I split up for a lot of reasons.”

“Thank you. That's my point. People don't break up for
a
reason. There's always a lot of stuff.”

“You can't compare a long-term marriage to dating.”

“And you can't tell me why Daphne McDaniel dumped me,” he shot back.

“I know why she says she did. I also know that we—you and I, Noah—we have the same issue. Maybe not today, but eventually it's bound to come up. And it's not something we can simply put aside, pretend it doesn't matter.” She had underestimated how hard this was going to be. She hadn't anticipated the hurt and disappointment, the sense of loss. “The fact is, I'm not going to have babies. There was a complication with Max's birth and I can't have any more.”

“It's not something we should be talking about right now. It's…we're too new. Let's just be together—”

“Why, so we can have this conversation weeks or months down the road, after we've invested even more in this relationship? There's no future for us, not one that works for us both.” She turned to the window, watching the snowflakes falling fast and thick past the porch light. Noah had once insisted there was nothing scary about him, but he was wrong. The scary thing about Noah was how fast and hard she had fallen in love with him, and how much it hurt to let go of that.