So Much It Hurts (15 page)

“I’m telling you now,” she beamed.

“I meant, like, when it happened.”

“Geez, Kait, it’s not like I could text you from the bed or anything.”

We both laughed. I felt myself relax a little.

“So? When did it happen?” I inquired.

“The night we went to Club Millennium.”

“And?” I asked with expectancy.

“And what?”

“And give me details, Allie! Best friends need details!”

“I don’t know…he was nervous. I was scared. It was painful and awkward. Definitely not all it’s cracked up to be, that’s for sure.”

“I’m sure it will get better.”

“I sure hope so.”

“Did you use protection?”

“Like, as in a condom?”

“Of course,” I said.

“No,” she replied shamefully.

“God, Allison! You didn’t use protection? What the hell? Do you want to get pregnant your senior year?”

“No. I mean, we got caught up in the moment. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Seriously, Allison, it only takes one time. You better not do that again unless you want to be barefoot and pregnant before graduation.”

“I know, I know. We promised each other we wouldn’t let it happen again.”

“Good,” I insisted.

“So,” Allison, the Queen of changing the subject, inquired, “Where do you want to go first?”

“How about McAlister’s?”

“Sounds good to me.” She laughed as she turned the radio on and twisted the volume up just in time to catch the tail end of
Hey Ya!
by Outkast. We rolled the windows down, and I listened to Allison sing at the top of her lungs. I would have enjoyed singing too, but the pain from my injury kept me from joining her.

We spent the rest of the day trying on clothes and shoes in every department store in the mall. I tried on more than I bought since it seemed as though every cashier eyed my face peculiarly while I paid for my purchases. However, I was certain Allison maxed out her dad’s credit card.

“Thanks for going shopping with me,” I said gratefully as Allison parked her car next to mine at the Stop-n-Shop, “and thanks for the ride.”

“No problem,” she smiled. “Call me anytime. I’m here if you need me.”

I knew she meant it, but I also knew she was trying to probe me for more information. I kept my secret locked up tight.

“Thanks,” I waved goodbye to her. “See ya.”

I hopped into my car and sped off. I would be glad to get back home. I thought maybe I would give Chris a call when I got there. For all the help he had given me the night before, I at least owed it to him to tell him that I was still alive.

“Hello?” his smooth voice liquefied into my ear.

“Chris?”

“Hey, Kaitlyn!” I could almost hear him smiling through the phone. I smiled back, wincing in pain from the scrapes and bruises on my face.

“I just wanted to thank you again for last night,” I told him, “and wanted to let you know that I’m feeling better today.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. I’ve been thinking about you all day,” he confessed.

I radiated through the pain. I was just so happy to hear his voice. I don’t think I had felt that kind of happiness in almost two years.

“Guess who was at my house when I woke up this morning?” I dared him to guess.

“Are you kidding me? Bastard!” he muttered angrily.

“Don’t worry. He didn’t stay long.”

“What nerve! Are you okay?” He changed his tone back to a more soothing one.

“I’m fine. Trevor knows I lied. He thinks I did it to protect him.”

“Whatever…he can think what he wants. You’re sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answered as I savored the sound of his voice.

“Good. Well, my little brother is hounding me to use the phone to call his
girlfriend
,” he teased.

“Shut up, Chris!” I heard his brother say in the background, followed by what sounded like a slap.

Chris laughed. “Okay, I’ll see you at school on Monday, Kaitlyn.”

“Hey, Chris,” I added, internally punching myself for what I was about to say. “No one really knows that we talk. Maybe we should keep it that way. I don’t need more drama in my life right now…Wait, I didn’t mean that as awful as it sounded.”
Crap! I need a mulligan.
“I’m sorry. I’m not as superficial as that came across. It’s just that…well…”
God, I suck at this. How do I make him understand what I’m trying to say?

“Trust me. I understand. You have a lot going on with school, Trevor, your parents, and planning for college. I get it. I really do. You have a lot riding on the line right now. I’m not here to cause more trouble for you, and I understand that everyone knowing about me will only be stirring up a hornet’s nest. It’s no problem. Keep
us
a secret…I can do that. No worries.” The sincerity in his voice told me that he truly understood what I had failed so miserably at trying to explain.

“Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate you. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, Kaitlyn.”

I hung onto his last word. My name slid off his tongue like silk. I felt my heart skip a beat at the sound of it.

My mother was folding laundry in the living room while she watched television. As I was passing through that room on my way to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, she asked, “Hey, who were you talking to?”

I was tired of lying. I figured she wouldn’t care if I told her a little bit of the truth. “Just a friend…a guy from school,” I stammered as I tried to explain.

My mom looked at me accusingly. “Kaitlyn…a guy? Are you sure you should be chatting with other guys on the phone while you are dating Trevor?”

Ouch. Really, Mom?
She might as well have slapped me across the face. At least a smack across the face would have hurt less than the sting from her words. “Whatever, mom,” I rolled my eyes. “You wouldn’t understand anyway.”

Abruptly, I turned around and stomped back up to my room. Besides coming downstairs to eat during meal times, I stayed in my bedroom the rest of that day. I used the excuse that I was giving my face time to heal, which was half true. The other half was trying to avoid Trevor. So far, it was working.

Monday morning came all too quickly. I dragged myself out of bed and stood in front of the mirror praying for a miracle to heal my face. A deep purple bruise fanned across my cheekbone. Ugly scabs covered the same side of my face from the corner of my eye to the corner of my jaw. I didn’t feel like lying anymore. Then again, who would believe the truth? Begrudgingly, I managed to make it to school on time.

Several students stared at me while I made my way down the hallway to my locker. No one bothered to ask what happened or even if I was okay. Maybe deep down they already knew.

I retrieved the things that I needed for my morning classes, hoping to avoid curious stares—and Trevor—just a little bit longer. As my luck would have it, Trevor came up behind me and gently nudged his shoulder into mine.

“Hey beautiful,” he flirted.

Ugh!
“Hey,” I rolled my eyes and avoided looking at him.

“You know I love you, right?” Trevor asked.

“Whatever,” I muttered under my breath.

“Listen, Kaitlyn,” he pleaded. “I’m sorry. Really, I am. I overreacted the other night. It’s all my fault. I made a stupid mistake. Can you please forgive me? I promise I will never cheat on you again, and I swear on my life that I will never hurt you again! Please!”

His begging sent a wave of nausea through my whole body. I wasn’t sure if the nausea set in because his lies literally sickened me or whether I felt repulsed by the urge to forgive him.

I looked up at him. I stared deep into those wonderful hazel eyes. I remembered the Trevor I knew he could be. I did love him. I loved him more than anyone I had ever known. I wanted to kick myself for not being able to run—run away as fast as I could and never look back.

“Trevor, I’m going to have to take some time to think about it,” I finally told him.

“Take all the time you need, baby,” he whispered. “I’ll still be here waiting for you when you realize we’re meant to be together.”

He walked away toward his first class of the day. I stared after him. My heart felt like it weighed a hundred pounds in my chest. After all we had been through, and despite it all, I really did still love him.

I struggled to get through the day. A few people asked me about my face, and believed the story I told them. I kept to myself mostly, lost within the confines of my own thoughts. The internal conflict threatened to implode my heart.

“You can’t break up with Trevor,” Blake whispered to me during Advanced Math. Blake was on the football team also. He and Trevor had been friends since Kindergarten.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because no one else will go out with you. They are all afraid of what Trevor would do to them. Think about it, Kaitlyn…Prom, Senior Night, every weekend…You’d be alone.”

Alone.
His word exploded and echoed inside my head as though he had thrown a string of firecrackers into a metal trash can. Why did the thought of being alone frighten me so much? Blake was right; no one would ask me out ever again. I would be the social outcast, the loner who sat by herself in the cafeteria, the hermit who never got invited to parties, and the loser no one would even ask on a date because they were too afraid Trevor would annihilate them.

I saw Chris from a distance a few times throughout the day. I wished I could just run up to him and let him hug me with his safeguarding arms. A reassuring hug was exactly what I needed. A few times, he glanced at me and winked through the oblivious crowd. I grinned at him. Theatre Arts class could not come fast enough.

“Ahem!” Ms. Carducci clapped her hands to get the attention of the class. “In the coming weeks, we are going to be working on some scenes from the musical,
Guys and Dolls
. We still need a guy to play the part of Sky Masterson. Anyone up for the challenge?”

Chris’s hand shot up. “I’ll do it!”

“Okay, Chris,” Ms. Carducci appeared uneasy, but agreed. “Are you familiar with the play?”

“Yes, ma’am” Chris replied. “Sometimes, the guards in juvie rewarded us for good behavior by letting us watch movies; most of them were old black and white films. There were a few musicals, too.
Guys and Dolls
was the house favorite. There’s just something about a no-good troublemaker winning over the straight-laced goody-two-shoes.” He winked at me. I hoped no one else noticed.