So Much It Hurts (32 page)

I wrung my hands anxiously, unsure of how to even start the conversation. “Michael, I need to tell you something.” My voice sounded jittery.

“What?” he asked, stuffing a glob of ice cream into his mouth.

“No.” I shook my head, grabbing the remote and turning off the television. “I
really
need to tell you something.”

“Wow, you’re serious,” he said, as he set his laptop down on the end table, and laid his bowl of ice cream on the coffee table. “What’s wrong? Is something wrong with the baby?”

“No. I mean, it’s about the baby, but nothing’s wrong with it.”

“Then what is it, Kaitlyn? You’re starting to freak me out a little bit.”

“Michael, I messed up. I messed up big time.”

“What do you mean?” Michael’s wide eyes filled with worry.

I didn’t know how else to put it, so I just came right out and said it. “This baby...” I said, pointing to my abdomen. “This baby might not be yours.”

Michael stared at me, taking time to process the words I had spoken. A range of emotions presented themselves across his face, and I took a step back.

Suddenly, fury darkened his eyes. Glaring at me, he practically growled, “How?”

I said the first thing that popped into my head. “What do you mean, how?”
Idiot
, I chided myself.

“Don’t give me that shit, Kaitlyn.” His anger started to make its way to the surface. “Tell me,
how
?” he seethed.

“I screwed up, okay. I’m sorry. I don’t have an excuse. I just totally screwed everything up!” I wailed, my tears bursting out of my eyes and flowing down my cheeks.

“You’re damn right you screwed up!” Michael yelled and punched his fist into the arm of the sofa. He jumped up from the couch and stomped behind it to create a barrier between us. “When did this happen? Who did you fuck? How long have you been fucking him?” He paced angrily back and forth like a caged tiger.

“I…I…” The words just wouldn’t come out.

“Tell me, Kaitlyn! I deserve to know! I’m your
husband
!”

“It only happened once, Michael! I’m not having an affair. It happened once and I haven’t seen him since!”

“Who? Answer me that.”

“Michael, please. I—”

“Tell me! Who?” he demanded.

“It was Chris, okay.”

Michael stopped pacing back and forth behind the sofa and glared at me. “Chris?” he asked with a look of disgust. “Chris, my stock broker?”

“No, Chris King.”

He stared at me incredulously. “Chris King? As in
high school
Chris King? The convicted felon?” His jaw muscle pulsed as he gritted his teeth.

“Yeah.” Ashamed of myself, I lowered my eyes to avoid his menacing glare.

“When? How?” His breaths came hard and fast between words. He seemed on the verge of hyperventilation while he tried his best to contain his rage.

“While I was at the beach,” I squeaked.

“Jesus Christ, Kaitlyn! What the hell? Please tell me you are fucking kidding me!”

“I wish I could.” I trembled with fear. I knew I was safe because Michael would
never
do anything to hurt me no matter how angry he was, especially with Eli asleep just upstairs, but my nerves were still on edge.

“I can’t fucking believe this.” Michael’s eyes welled up with tears. “Oh god, I just can’t believe you did this to me.” He stared at me in disbelief, with tears dripping down his cheeks and his lip quivering. The pain in his eyes was almost too much to bear.

“I’m sorry, Michael. Please forgive me. I’m so, so sorry.” Reaching out to him, I continued, “I wish I could take it back, but I—”

“No!” Michael threw his hands up in the air, and took a step back. “Don’t touch me. Just don’t fucking touch me.”

He whirled around and stomped into the kitchen, grabbing his truck keys off the hook by the door.

I followed him into the foyer where he stood in the open doorway leading out to the front porch. “Please don’t leave! Stay here. Please, let’s talk about this.”

He turned his head to glare at me. “I have nothing to say to you.” With that statement, he slammed the door in my face.

His truck roared to life, and the tires squealed their way out of the driveway.

I fell into my bed a blubbery mess. If it weren’t for the sweet little boy sleeping three doors down and the tiny life growing inside me, I would have considered tossing a whole bottle of Valium down my throat.
“Get over yourself,” I chided. “Put your big girl panties on and deal with this!”

It was three in the morning when Michael finally came home. I was still lying in bed, my eyes swollen from crying for hours. I heard him rummaging around in the kitchen and pacing around in the living room. Eventually, he made it to our bedroom. He plopped down on the edge of the bed and sighed. I didn’t ask him where he had been. I didn’t say a word. I just lay there, hoping he would speak first.

“Kaitlyn?”

“Hmmm,” I answered.

“Just wanted to see if you were still awake.”

“I am. I—”

“Shhhh,” he interrupted. “Just let me speak. Just let me get this out. I’m not here for you right now. I came back because we have a son who needs us to be
us
. I’m not angry, I’m hurt,” he whispered in the darkness. “I can’t believe that the woman I love more than anything would betray me like this. I’m back, but I’m not back because of you. This isn’t about you at all right now. This is about Eli. I’m so hurt and shattered beyond words. Just please, don’t speak to me right now.”

I didn’t say anything. Fear gripped my throat, threatening me not to make a sound. He wasn’t back for me. But he was back. That was one step in the right direction.
Right?

Silent tears bid me goodnight as I finally drifted off into oblivion.

It felt like only minutes had passed before I was awakened by the sound of dishes clanking in the kitchen. Apparently, Michael had already gotten up to cook eggs for Eli. I ambled into the kitchen with swollen and puffy eyes.

“Good morning, Mommy,” Eli said happily as he shoveled scrambled eggs into his mouth.

I tried not to gag. “Good morning, honey,” I said as I kissed the top of his head.

Michael threw a sidelong glance, but didn’t speak.

I looked at Michael who was standing near the stove. “Thanks for cooking for him. It helped keep my morning sickness at bay a little while longer.”

“Humph,” Michael grunted at me. I didn’t blame him. I guess if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t want to speak to me either. He chucked the frying pan into the sink and stomped off to the living room.

Completely oblivious, Eli blew bubbles into his orange juice through his straw. “Look, Mommy,” he laughed.

“You’re so silly.” I didn’t have the energy to correct him or tell him it was rude to do that at the table. I sighed, poured my coffee, and plopped down in the chair beside him while he finished cramming eggs into his mouth like he was trying to win an egg eating contest.

“Slow down, Eli. You’re going to make yourself sick—or me.”

“I’m just trying to finish so you don’t have to look at them or smell them anymore, and maybe you won’t throw up today.”

My precious little angel…the only reason I have to be here right now.

“You’re so sweet. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’m all done,” he said proudly. He chucked his plate into the sink just like his daddy and ran upstairs to play his video game system.

I sat in peace, sipping my coffee and wondering how to act around Michael.

I was washing the dishes when Michael walked into the kitchen. “I’m leaving,” he announced.

“For work?”

“No. I’m leaving for a few days. I need to get my head straight.”

“Please don’t leave,” I begged. “Let’s work through this. It was a mistake, Michael. A stupid, stupid mistake. I don’t want my mistake to break up Eli’s happy family.”

Michael stared at me for a few seconds, as if to consider my offer. He finally piped up. “Tell Eli I’m going on a business trip for a while.”

“No, Michael. Please don’t go.”

He scowled at me angrily, but the pain in his eyes projected a different emotion. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t.” Michael snapped. He grabbed his suitcase and walked toward the stairs. “Eli,” he shouted, “I’m leaving for work!”

“Okay, Daddy!” Eli replied. I heard him bouncing down the stairs. Giving Michael a big hug and seeing his suitcase beside them on the floor, he asked, “Where are you going?”

Michael’s eyes welled up with tears, but he didn’t let them fall. “I’m going on a business trip.”

Eli’s face fell. “When will you be back?”

“I don’t know,” Michael shook his head, “but I’ll call you every day.”

Eli nodded. “Okay, Daddy.”

“I love you very much, son.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Michael gave him one last squeeze before grabbing his suitcase and heading for the door. Just before stepping out into the garage, he gave me a final look—a morose and dejected look—that held my gaze a few seconds before he gently shook his head in disbelief and closed the door behind him.

Tears exploded from my eyes and sobs heaved in my chest.

“Don’t cry, Mommy. He’ll be back,” Eli tried to console me.

Get a grip, Kaitlyn.

“I know, baby. Mommy’s okay,” I said, wiping tears on my sleeve and taking deep, controlled breaths to contain my sobs.

I called Shannon that afternoon to tell her the news. “He’s gone, Shannon. He packed his bags and left.”

“Where did he go?”

“He didn’t say. I don’t think he’d go to his parents’ house because he wouldn’t want them to know anything was going on. He just left and said he didn’t know when he’d be back.”

“Maybe he just needs time to process everything. It’s a lot to have to soak in.”

“I know. I deserve it. He’s been nothing but good to me, and I had to go and ruin everything. I mean, I know our marriage isn’t perfect, but I didn’t have to go and screw things up like I did. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“People make mistakes, Kaitlyn. No one is perfect. At least you owned up to your mistakes. Just give him time. Let him think things over.”

“Okay, I will. Thanks, Shannon. Thank you for not judging me. I know what I did was stupid. I just got caught up in the moment. My heart and my head were having a screaming match with each other, and I let my stupid heart win.”

“I think your marriage was crumbling, and you were vulnerable. You let someone creep into your life at your weakest point. This kind of thing happens every day—that’s part of the reason why they say fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Give yourself some time to heal. Maybe when Michael comes back, you can focus on giving your heart back to him. Fight through this. It will be worth it, I promise.” I didn’t pry, but she spoke as if she had some experience in the matter.

“Okay, I will,” I promised, my lip quivering with suppressed tears.