So Shall I Reap (20 page)

When we finally made it to the couch, I plopped down onto the cushions as if someone had cut off my legs. Mom draped one of her favorite Afghans over them, handed me the TV remote, and picked up the house phone. She zipped through the stored numbers on speed dial, then stopped on each number to ask me if I felt like eating take-out from there. As Rae-Lynn recited a number and I repeated it with her, we knew we had a winner. She walked away already knowing what I wanted… the number six, Paper Wrapped Chicken and a Veggie Spring Roll. Reality weighed heavy as it pushed me back into the sofa. I was home. Mom was ordering Chinese food, and I was going to veg out in front of the television with Jake.

Catching Jake from the corner of my eye as he carried the last of my boxes, he seemed overly zealous performing the duties of a florist delivery guy. Blakely had helped me yesterday, picking up the cards and stuffed toys. At the time, she’d placed each of the vases into their own little coffin boxes so they wouldn’t tip over during the car ride home. She really went above and beyond. I owed her big time.

Remembering Blakely, I tried to twist around to make sure Rae-Lynn heard me while she was on the phone. “Mom, don’t hang up. Blake said she would stop by after we got home from the hospital. We should order her food too.” Holding up four fingers and two thumbs, I mouthed the word six so she would order Blake the same entree as mine. Mom nodded, and I leaned back, probably thinking if Blakely couldn’t make it, I would be set for tomorrow’s lunch.

My pissy mood was fading fast with food on its way, TV Land playing an old episode of
Gillian’s Island
and a haunting Ghost. I finished up the thought when Jake popped up next to me, sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Beholding his watch again and scratching the almost five o’clock stubble on his chin, he gazed back to me, smiled and leaned back.

“If I knew I had to work when I showed up today, I would have dropped by after work.” His voice trailed off with a chuckle.

I punched his arm.

“Ouch. Hey, I should charge you for labor… but since you’re a cripple, it’s free this time.” He rubbed the spot I’d tagged.

Rae-Lynn came into the family room carrying a bottle of water for Ghost and a Diet Coke for me. My lips curved as Ghost took the water from Rae-Lynn. I couldn’t tell if he was blushing. The smirk graduated to a snicker when she handed me a soda.

Clearing her throat at my awkward reaction, she glanced from side to side. “I’m going to pick up the food. Jake, can you stay for another ten or fifteen minutes? It’s just up the street. I won’t be long.” He checked the time again. I rolled my eyes.

“Sure, I can stay for a bit longer, but I need to be on time this week. Management is writing up our reviews next week, and I don’t want to give them any leverage for something negative to jot down. I think this one might be for a raise.” The cracking sound of the water bottle lid indicated he was done explaining.

“Great, I will be back soon. If you want to grab a snack before you go, you’re more than welcome to do so.” Mom waved her hand toward the kitchen while walking over to the hallway entrance table. I heard the little beeps and the pop of the lockbox opening. With keys jingling, she called out one last time. “Okay, call my cell if there’s an emergency.” She used the shutting door to end her sentence.

I made a sound of exasperation. “You keep looking at your dumb watch. Do you really have to go so soon? I mean, we haven’t had a lot of time to catch up on things. I’ve missed hanging out with you for the past two weeks. And you only came to visit me twice in the hospital.” I proceeded to pout. My finger was making a ticking sound with the tab from the soda can. Pouting wasn’t my forte, but I always tried. I could hold up on one hand the number of times it had succeeded, but, for the most part, I failed at it miserably.

Shocked, he looked at his wrist. “Dumb?” Jake’s smile widened when I felt his hand drop on my head, tousling my hair. “Did little Lex-Cee miss me? I had to work. Plus, Mr. Grottal popped a grueling English exam on us in the middle of the week. You know I wanted to come by more often.” He readjusted his long legs, Indian style so he could face me. “I promise to come by more often since you’re laid up here. Besides, you’ll be in school next week anyway, right? I’ll pick you up for school on Monday, okay?” Wiggling his brows, I knew he was trying to lighten my sulking over the blow of his impending departure. “I’ll get Dunkin’—”

Donuts were not going to cure how I was feeling. “Jake, I know you tried to come by, it’s just that I was hoping we could catch up on things.” I stopped
tinking
the Diet Coke tab and moved on to picking at one of the pulled strands in the lap throw. A slight prick of sadness tickled the back of my throat because I had missed being with him, sarcasm and all. Ghost had always been able to scare my problems away and I looked forward to his hauntings. I tossed the remote down in the middle of both knees. Feeling forlorn, I shrugged and pasted a plastic happy smile over the frown.

Jake appeared worried and bowed his head so I couldn’t see his eyes anymore. “I do have some time, but I wanted to talk about something that I know you are not gonna want to talk about. To be honest, I don’t know how to approach my concerns without you getting hostile.” The way he was holding himself rigid made me uneasy. I couldn’t stop staring at the top of his head.
It must really be bad if he wouldn’t even look at me. Was I really that intimidating?

“Alexcia, do you know how scared I was when I heard about what happened to you?” Jake’s voice carried a small quiver as he continued, “For days, I felt as though the CMHS football team used me for a blocking shield…”

When he paused, I took the opportunity to interject, “Jake as you can see, I pulled out of it. I’m fine.”

“No. You’re not fine.” Ghost scooted closer to me and immediately placed a hand softly on my arm. “Every time you would tell me you were going out or to one of your parties, I would brush the feelings of being an overprotective friend away. I would convince myself that you were pretty smart and knew when to stop. Back then, I thought you could take care of yourself. Alexcia, I was wrong. I was enabling you to become worse and not thinking of what you could end up doing to yourself. The smoking is one thing, there’s time to deal with that. But the drinking. Your drinking. Needs to stop.” His eyes glossed over, and I found his fingers intertwined with mine. Unmoving, I was dumbfounded and bewildered… unable to speak, breathe or even blink. He had turned up the fuel to my anger, feeling the intense heat rising to my eyes and I was about to boil over.

Everything became surreal, from Jake’s condemning words to the fact he was holding back the shine in his gaze and the way my heart tripped over itself when he slipped his fingers away from mine. With an open mouth and flushed cheeks, I seized up.

While processing all of this, he whispered harshly, “I don’t know what I would have done if you had died. You can’t leave me too like
he
did. It took me years to get used to the hurt of his absence. Don’t leave me, Lex-Cee, please stop being so reckless with your life. You don’t have to be the life of the party to be someone. I’m… just… so…” Ghost couldn’t hold it in. I watched a tear escape to commit suicide by slipping down the side of his cheek, falling to its death, landing on top of my hand. His eyes, normally a bright apple-green, were clouded over in a stormy emerald.

Caught off guard by the confession about his father, and his expressed feelings of losing me, had left me speechless. My tongue dried to the roof of my mouth, and I couldn’t stop the pull his eyes had on me. The color of them was spell-binding, drawing me deeper into his emotional sea. I had never noticed how long his lashes were before, a light blond tint tipped each lash and then they faded to a deep brown. With heavy eyelids, I tried to refocus, finding Ghost hovering inches from me. He was so close, I could feel his breath caress lightly across my lips. What was going on? I wanted to be mad. I wanted to yell. I wanted to… I wanted…

***

Without realizing anything had changed, I heard a muffled jingling from far away as both eyes snapped open. Jake was gone. Sitting up as quickly as my broken body would allow, I scanned the room and heard the front door open. Unclear about what had transpired between us, I was left in a state of limbo. Was he leaving? Anger told me he couldn’t finish what he had started and was now bailing.

“Hey, I’m back. Jake. Sorry if I made you late. There was a line.” Through lashes, I saw Rae-Lynn use her foot to shut the door.

The sound of a rattle and clink of glass came from the direction of the kitchen. I brought a hand to my lips. What was I feeling? What had Jake been trying to say to me? I tried to swallow but found our discussion had made me parched. Frowning, I looked down at the can of diet soda. Surely, it was warm by now. I picked it up and reached over to set it on the end table behind me.

“Not a problem, Mrs. S. The patient is doing fine. She has been sleeping for the past ten minutes. I’ll head out now before she wakes up.” The refrigerator door shut. So, that was why I woke up alone, he was hiding out in the kitchen.

“Chicken,” I whispered out loud. I leaned back and shut my eyes since I was supposed to be asleep. I scratched at my neck. That was the first sign I was starting to break out with red welts. Perfect.

“Tell Lex-Cee I will call her soon to find out what time she will be ready for school on Monday morning.” His voice moved to the hallway.

“Oh, thanks, Jake. I will pass the message on to her. You’re a great help. I have a morning meeting on Monday, so you’re a lifesaver. Oh, and thanks for staying.”

The front door quietly closed.

I found my friend, Mr. Anger, who introduced me to Mrs. Disheartened. Tears fell from closed eyes. Yes, I was alive, but Tod and the others were gone. It was my fault, and I would have to live with the pain every time I took a breath or felt the sunshine on my skin. I didn’t need to be reminded, especially by Jake, of my irresponsible actions. Drinking had nothing to do with what had happened to the others. It was my unnecessary alarm that had distracted Tod, causing the deadly, delayed reaction. We would have been fine if I weren’t so selfish.

By the time I listened to Rae-Lynn pulling out the plates and condiments, I wasn’t very hungry anymore. The servings Jake had forced fed me, about my lack of self-preservation, was filling enough. I kept my eyes closed when I heard the house phone ring. After she had answered, I knew it was Blakely on the other end.

More tears worked their way through lashes as Mom wrapped up her conversation with Blakely. From Rae-Lynn’s comments, it sounded as if she were on her way over. That gave me about twenty minutes to pretend I was still sleeping. We would have three hours to visit before Blake had to go home. Then my father would walk through the door a couple of hours later.

Ghost had left me holding my side of our conversation. I wanted to tell Blakely everything but didn’t even know what really happened. Was Jake making the situation into more than what it really was? His explanations versus his actions didn’t match, leaving me with a severe case of pitfall. I felt empty and alone.

Diverting my plan to tell Blakely and Dee, I decided that our future discussion would be just between him and me. He was going to get an earful come Monday morning. Leaving me seven more days to think about what I was going to say to him made me mad, and I spoke in a hiss as the lack of sleep finally caught up with me. “You wait, my Ghost, until I see you again, I’ll be counting the minutes until then.”

Showers wash all the unsightly dirt and grime away. The warm spray relaxes the nerves brought on by the stresses of the day. But no matter how hard I scrub, the darkness that clings to me will not go down the drain.

~Alexcia

It was Saturday night and Jake still hadn’t called. I had called him twice only to be instantly connected to his voicemail. This situation was so unfair. Why was I, the one feeling guilty about what had happened? I didn’t even have a chance to explain, not that I really needed or wanted to. My reasons were valid, and they were buried deep in my closet, right next to all the skeletons. No one was going to label me crazy, insane or Looney Tunes, then sentence me to do couch time discussing the cloaked demons I see in the ink blots. I didn’t want to think about any of this crap anymore.

Instead, I focused on the next problem… taking a nice, long shower. I was starting to offend myself every time I shifted position, plus I wanted to move back into my bedroom. The couch was killing my spine, and privacy was nonexistent in the middle of the room. Especially when I woke up crying and Mom assumed I was reliving the crash.
Not really looking forward to another discussion about how I was handling things.

Mom helped me by getting everything ready for the shower. She was coming down the hall followed by her black shadow. When Dad was gone, Gigi moved from the title of speed bump to the honored position of bodyguard. She fit the part too, all eighty-two pounds of her.

Rae-Lynn was lifting me off the couch to head for the stairs when Gigi started huffing with a quick growl. Mom nodded and Gigi took off down the hall. I had no clue about their silent communication and stared at Rae-Lynn for an explanation. She shrugged. “Gigi wanted to know if you were all right.” I wanted to say
what
, but my mouth was stuck at the Wh… part. Exhaustion must be jamming my senses.

Together we headed for the stairs because I wanted to shower in my own bathroom. Since I was going to sleep in the bedroom tonight, we figured it was better than dragging everything downstairs. Halfway across the floor, my phone slipped causing me to step on Rae-Lynn’s foot. She cursed under her breath, and I recovered the phone with a sigh. This was going to take a while. The climb made me feel like a mountain goat. When we made it to the top, the urge to yodel from our achievement was caught in my throat.
I knew I was delirious.

Placing the crutches in the corner and setting the cell on the counter, Rae-Lynn helped me out of the leg brace. I worked at chiseling the nasty clothes from crusted skin. At first the right leg refused to bend, and I seemed to have left my oil can downstairs, so she helped me hobble into the shower.

At that moment, I loved hot water. Not so hot to scald your skin but hot enough to coat the bathroom mirrors with a thin layer of condensation. Never again would I ever take a shower for granted. Almost three weeks without hot water spraying on my skin was two and a half weeks too long.
If I ever use a sponge again, it will be too soon.
Whoever thought using a damp sponge could replace a hot, steamy shower was sadly mistaken. Feeling greedy, and looking at my plastic-wrapped wrist, I started counting down the weeks before I could take a delightful bath. The image of me soaking until I was waterlogged was inviting, but for now, I relished the simple spray of H2O.

Rae-Lynn stood close by as a shower spotter. My right knee tried to give out from time to time, but I was holding my own for the moment. She had decided to use a garbage bag to cover the cast. Who knew that some duct tape and a plastic bag could lead me to the path of cleanliness. Chalk one up for ingenuity.

Adding some shampoo, I heard Rae-Lynn trying to talk over the water, “Lex-Cee, I need to speak with you about a few things. Can you hear me?”

“Mmm hmm,” I answered, focusing on the one-handed scalp massage.

“Alexcia, I need you to pay attention.”

I blew the soapy foam from my good hand. “Yeah, I’m listening.”

Mom kept talking as she opened and closed the cabinet doors looking for my after shower necessities. “You said Blakely is picking you up for work. Don’t you think tomorrow’s too soon?” She slammed a drawer, making me jump, and I grabbed the showerhead to brace myself from slipping.

“Mom, what are you trying to do, send me back to the hospital? Can’t you see I’m going stir-crazy here? Mr. Sipton is going to put me on light duty. I’m restocking and cleaning the inter-chat room. It will be fine.”

Using a loofah, I scrubbed two weeks of leftover grime off… amazed to find clean, pink skin. I considered how hairy both legs were but decided to dry shave later. My head was beginning to throb. This was the most physical activity I had done since I’d been released from the hospital.

After turning off the water, I held out a hand so Rae-Lynn could give me my robe and towel. When I was wrapped up to face the breeze of air coming in from under the door, I stepped out of the shower and fought the panic when my knee wanted to give out again.

Rae-Lynn helped me hobble to the toilet and closed the lid so I could sit. When Mom started to unwrap the plastic and duct tape, the damp air made me clammy. I stretched out each finger to allow airflow. That’s when I noticed, she looked troubled. Not wanting to hear what she was mulling over, I concentrated on the throbbing arm. Rae-Lynn was examining each nail, but taking extra care with the broken pinky one. She let go of my hand and bent down to rest on her knees so we were eye to eye.

“I am sorry, Alexcia. I have been trying to do what’s right for you for so many years. It’s hard for me and your father to go back to the way things were before, especially after what has happened. It’s a rude awakening for your father and me. We could have lost you. This world would be in chaos if something happened to you.” She picked up both hands to caress them in hers. At that moment, what she was sharing with me made the back of my throat close.

I croaked, “But, as you can see, I’m fine. Why do I have to keep repeating myself? I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m living. Tod, Brad, and Melanie are the ones who are not here. I have to live with that every day and don’t need everyone pointing out the obvious.” I sniffed. “I know you and Dad care, but I also know you both are busy with your jobs. Nothing has to change. We will get through this. I will get through this.”

The towel wrapped around my head was slipping off, and instead of fighting it, I pulled it over my eyes to wipe each one.
First, Ghost and then my mom… everyone must be taking a number to bash on me. What do they want me to say? I can’t change anything.
Unlike Jake, at least my parents were not aware of my after-school pastimes, but I knew the direction her talk was heading. This was so unfair. I wasn’t ready for any of it.

Her eyes filled with tears, triggering a tight sensation inside. My heart was trying to wring out what was left of the pent-up emotions. I knew it would take a while, but I needed to rebuild the wall, stronger than the one I’d left crumbled on the highway. It needed reinforcement, first by hardening the heart, followed by sealing off those weepy emotions because I longed for dry eyes.

“Alexcia, Mrs. Peston called two days ago. Tod’s funeral has been scheduled for this Wednesday, at six in the evening. It’s going to be open for the students too, since … well… ” Her voice trailed.

She didn’t need to explain. I gathered there were going to be a lot of people in attendance… his family and the students from Cheyton Memorial. Tod had been very popular and the faculty bent over backward for him to play lacrosse for CMHS. Mom was worried I wouldn’t be able to handle the funeral, let alone facing all those people with their silent accusations and insincere sympathies. Mocking voices stirred in thought.
Are you all right? How are you coping? Is there anything I can do for you?

The warm shower had turned against me. All the exposed skin was raised with little bumps. I was so glad I hadn’t shaved in the shower. Legs and underarms would have ended up with stubble from the chill. Inside this empty shell, the temperature was trying to readjust from the heat escaping my skin.

Teeth chattering, a sense of overwhelming tiredness rolled in like a fog. I felt dizzy from being both cold and sleepy, and a weak smile was all I could command. “Mom, can we talk later? Maybe tomorrow after work could be a good time. I need to get dressed and dry my hair. My brain has me frozen in first gear, and it’s starting to grind. Blakely is also waiting to hear from me before I tumble into bed. I need to find out how early she’s planning on showing up.” I tried to use a reasoning voice with her. “We made plans to meet up with Dee for breakfast in the morning.” Leaning over the sink to grab the cotton ball bag and bottle of astringent, I was even too tired to scrub those dirty pores. “Oh, and don’t worry about helping me, Blakely is coming over early for that. She plans on dropping me off at the Sip ’N Chug before she heads to her job.” Frustrated from rambling and the lame explanation, I pulled apart the little cotton puff. Then I used what was left to apply the stinging liquid.

Rae-Lynn walked over to the neatly stacked pile of night clothes and started unfolding in silence. Slipping my cell into the fluffy red robe pocket, she set it aside to hand me everything. Four dirty cotton balls went into the trash as Mom handed me the purple underwear with hot pink and light purple polka dots, a solid purple sleep tank top, and a pair of fuzzy white and hot pink striped socks. Evidently, I’d struck a nerve with her when I said I didn’t want to talk about it.
I will face my demons when I have to, not when everyone thinks it’s time.

She helped me dress then reattached the leg brace. Turning to the corner of the room, Mom grabbed one of the crutches to hand me. For the past four or five days, I’d been getting around on one crutch. The fact I was getting better at it made me think I could handle a few shifts at the Chug. At the very least, it would give me something to do other than staring at the TV for hours. I was getting desperate trying to find ways to get out of the house. Even the thought of going back to prison, I mean school, was tempting. The thought of my butt getting flat from pressing into the couch, twenty-four seven was enough to spur me forward. I needed to move it and add to my stagnant back account. I couldn’t save any money this way and the situation wasn’t getting me any closer to attaining a Jeep. I had done the math…
job plus Jeep equals freedom
.

Starting the nightly rituals, I used the crutch to prop myself over the sink so I could brush my teeth. Mom stood guard while I did little circles over each tooth. I palmed water, to slurp it in, swished and spit. Glancing at the bathroom clock, I couldn’t believe it had taken over two hours to take a stupid shower. I sighed but was finally done and ready to call Blake, take pain and sleeping pills and then slip into slumber.

Well, I hoped for sleep. I was back in my own room for the first time since I had been home. The couch had been a necessary first stop, and I’d stayed there out of convenience for Rae-Lynn. Her bedroom was on the first floor, so it was easier for her to get to me when I needed to go to the bathroom. But since I was getting better with the crutch, we figured I could move back upstairs. I was a tad bit nervous because I hadn’t had one of my nightmares for almost three weeks and wanted this sleep streak to keep going. The plan was to take the pills and talk to Blakely until I couldn’t move my mouth with a coherent sentence anymore.

Mom was still trailing behind in silence. She was as troubled over this as I was, although we were on the opposite side of the phrase
it could have been
. I was living with it, dealing with it and didn’t want anyone handing me their two cents on how to manage it. The air between us was laced with unspoken words because I knew she had more to say about the funeral, but I was done processing for the night.

It was funny how things changed on a dime, or, in this case, a door. Jake had made a path with all the boxes, bags, and vases to my dresser and table. Piles of clothes were still scattered from that night by tornado Lex-Cee. A flood of feelings hit me, and I singled out the only one that mattered, making it to my bed.

“Alexcia, I’ve meant to ask you something. What the hell happened to your room?” Her tone had returned to the familiar, biting parental voice.

With a shrug, I answered, “Couldn’t find a thing to wear. Anyway, my intention was to clean it the next day. I had no idea it was going to be three weeks later.” I hobbled over a shirt and a clump of skirts to make it to the bed. “I will clean it after work tomorrow.” Using the crutch as a broom, I swept the clothes pile onto the floor where they landed by the foot of the bed.

“Nice,” Rae-Lynn’s remark dripped with sarcasm.

“I don’t wanna fight,” I answered with a yawn while slowly scooting to the middle of my bed so we could work together swinging my legs up and under the covers.

“Okay,” she said, blowing air out with her words in defeat. “But, ignoring what we were talking about in the bathroom will not make facing your feelings any easier.” She pulled the comforter up and over the leg brace. Turning to pick up the glass of water and medication, she handed everything to me. I downed the pills and gulped the water. “Great, that was supposed to last you all night. I hope for your sake the bathroom doesn’t call your name at two in the morning.” She took the glass, kissed my forehead and with her eyes at half mast, said, “Clear your heart. Clear your mind. Clear a path that sleep will find.” I smiled because the little girl in me had always loved Mom’s bedtime quips. Then Rae-Lynn draped my robe at the foot of the bed and removed my cell phone from the robe pocket and handed it to me. “Don’t be on it all night, okay?”