#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (14 page)

SHOW A LITTLE SKIN

All actors realize that physical fitness is important
to overall health, as well as overall employment. I should know, because I’m
practically at the gym all day long! Being the best version of you is something
I cannot stress enough. I once thought that showing gratuitous skin died in the
great NYC Soap Opera Slaughter of 2009 – 2011, but it only got worse.
There’s still HBO, Showtime, AMC, FX, MTV, Nickelodeon, etc., and they want to
see so, so much more. They want to see your ass, and they want to compare your
ass with the asses out in Hollywood. That means you’re essentially competing
with PVC pipes for a partially nude under-five.

So, what do you do when your body is #nailingit but
you don’t necessarily nail your audition? Who is going to appreciate all your
hard #werk? Did somebody say GYM SELFIE?! #bingo. It is absolutely appropriate
to lift up your shirt in front of one of the mirrors at your gym and snap a pic
of your stomach. Nobody within your chosen fitness facility will find that weird
at all. Next, upload it to Instagram and pick a filter. I recommend Brannan or
Lo-Fi for high contrast, shadows, and optimum abdominal shading. After that,
just sit back on a decline bench-press and wait for the LIKES to come pouring
in. See how much better you feel about not booking that job? You could use
social media to share interesting news with your friends, or let people know
when your show is papering tickets – but wouldn’t they be much more
satisfied with a pair of free house seats to your abs?

5.

FIND A WAY TO RELATE TO EVERYTHING

A big part of social media is about engaging with
your friends and fans. That is why it is always cool to LIKE a friend’s post
and then comment below about how it pertains to your life. For example, when
one of my friends posted about how they loved Kristin Chenoweth on her latest
canceled television series, I immediately LIKED it, and then talked about how
sweet Kristin is in real life. It really helps to relate to your friends!

There will come a time when you don’t necessarily
book every job for which you audition. That is totally OK. Find a way to spin
it into something positive. Like, one time I sat down in front of the TV for a
sensible veg-fest, and saw someone performing a guest spot that should have
been mine. If this happens to you, I suggest taking to Twitter with a good old
fashioned,
Remember That Time?
:

Remember that time I just wanted to watch thirty
minutes of TV and all that was on was the episode of that guest star I didn’t
book?

You can then throw in a fun hashtag, such as #grumpy
or #actorproblems. This will assure your friends that you frequently audition
for TV and film, are too busy to watch more than thirty minutes of it, and
found a way to successfully usurp the power that was taken from you when you
did not book a job. The added bonus is that all your friends will think you’re
self-deprecating!

6.

MAKE A FACEBOOK FAN PAGE

Did you recently get new headshots? Are you
performing in Upstate New York this summer? Do you have roughly 239 Twitter
followers that consist of your friends, coworkers, and people with an egg icon?
Then you, my friend, are ready to create your very own Facebook Fan Page!

It’s not enough for people to just be your friends on
Facebook. They must also be your fans. Remember: friends are fans in disguise
– and your fans are going to love getting a chance to see a side of you
that Twitter doesn’t really present to them. I mean, 140 characters is simply
not enough space in a bio to share how #blessed you are. A fan page gives you
the opportunity to really let loose with your self-promotion. Go crazy! Dig up
old show programs, photos, reviews, your updated résumé, and make sure to
projectile vomit that shit right onto the World Wide Web.

Once you have created your fan page, you should start
gathering LIKES. You can do this by personally inviting all of your Facebook
friends. They’ll love you for it! The most glorious words in the English
language have to be, “[Insert Random Actor Friend from College] has invited you
to LIKE [Insert Same Random Actor Friend from College].”

Don’t get depressed if you do not receive a LIKE from
every single one of your friends. Their loss! You may have to put in a little
extra #werk. Wait a week or two and invite everyone again. However, whatever
you do, please refrain from purchasing LIKES. Hiring a company to provide you
with abundant robot followers is just plain sad – like an unofficial
sign-up list.

7.

ASK YOUR FRIENDS FOR MONEY

Do you have an extracurricular activity you enjoy? Is
your fun pet-project suddenly demanding a bit more money to finance? Are you
horny for handouts? Kickstarter.com is the place for you! There’s no time like
the present to gather appropriate funding in order to move forward with your
#sidedreams.

I know what you’re thinking, “I have some cash saved
up from this weekly Production Contract salary. I could probably spare $4,000
to fund my own debut album.” LOL. Wrong! The only way to get your project
funded is by jonesing up your friends for their lunch money in exchange for a
Facebook SHOUT OUT!

Your closest friends will be the most sympathetic to
your goal, and therefore the last people to feel alienated when you
continuously bombard them with requests. True friends don’t give a shit. If you
have an alumni page on Facebook, you should repetitively post links to your
crowdfunding website there, too. You’ll get more traffic if you’re one of the
few successful graduates from your school, because you’ll be an inspiration to
those still pounding the pavement. You can even go as far as to call people out
for not donating on your newly minted Facebook Fan Page. Say something like,
“I’ve noticed that some of my friends haven’t donated yet. It’s not about me.
It’s about the art!” That should work.

Also, make certain to provide amazing perks for all
your friends who contribute. The more focused the rewards are on you, the
better. Putting a price tag on yourself is going to make you appear much more
valuable. You’re going to reach your fundraising goal a lot faster offering
questionably useful shit to your friends that six or seven months ago they
probably could have gotten from you for free.

Finally, when raising money under a Kickstarter
deadline, it’s important to seriously not give a shit. Throw caution and
credibility to the curb. Ignore the fact that when your project recoups its
investment, your backers will not be reimbursed. Try to forget that after
requesting donations from friends, it will only be a few short months before
you ask them all to buy that thing. #whatever. All is fair in love, war, and
fanatically crowdfunded fantasies.

8.

DEALING WITH SOCIAL MEDIA OFFENDERS

I am #grateful to have so many Facebook friends #werking
in show business. In fact, I think it's safe to say that 96% of my online
social circle consists of actors, musicians, writers, etc. The other 4% belong
to stage door creepers and my mom – but they are obviously all on
"limited profile." It recently came to my attention that surrounding
myself with such a niche group of people might be providing me with a rather
tunnel-vision view of what it’s like to function as an adult in society.

I used to have a lot of Facebook friends from high
school who grew up to be things like doctors, lawyers, and business executives,
but the moment one of them changed their last name or Instagrammed a baby, I
was like, "Stop making me feel old!" #unfriend. So, I guess I don't
really know a lot about people who went to college to receive a BS FBO
(Bachelor of Something to Fall Back On) or how they behave on social media. How
cool would it be if non-theatrical folk were just like us?

Doctors

Removing a brain tumor this afternoon. Positive vibes
at 4pm!!!

Remember that time I saved two kids' lives in one workday?
#SoBlessedToBeABlessing

Oh, you know... Just took the saphenous vein from the
leg and attached it around the blockage in my patient's coronary artery to
provide perfusion to the heart muscle. #NoBigDeal

Lawyers

Just got my client off death row. The Secret really
does work!

Big news regarding a case! Wish I could share!

First day of school representing a double homicide!
#werk

Business Executives

Only been with the firm six months and already two promotions! #MakingItHappen

All of my investment strategies achieved a positive
return this month. When it rains, it pours! #HedgeFundRealness

Gym, eight-hour werkday, grocery shopping, home
cooked dinner! #2013isNAILINGIT

Alas, this is not really the case. Instead, we have
to hear them gush about their loving families, stay aloof about their jobs that
pay more than $1,807 a week, and talk about having Saturdays off. That kind of
passive aggressive bragging is exactly why it’s important to occasionally make
a few cuts within your social media circle. However, before you #unfriend
someone, I suggest you leave the following citation on their wall:

IN CONCLUSION: BE AWARE OF YOUR UNAWARENESS

This could come as a complete shock, but some of your
friends might not appreciate how you behave on social media. They may hide you
on their newsfeed, unfriend you, or just plain hate-watch you. Some of them
might even go as far as to take screen captures of everything you post and
share them privately with their close friends via one epic group text. That is
why the single most important advice I can give you about how to Social Netwerk
is this: Be aware of your projected unawareness. Live your Internet
your way
and don’t give a shit – as long as you’re conscious of how your
online behavior will be perceived by others. You’re playing the game and the
game has changed. Your persona on social media is just as important as the one
you present in the audition room, invited dress rehearsal, or casting associate’s
birthday party. Make each Social Netwerking action a calculated one.

 You may burn a few bridges with random
acquaintances along the way, but your real friends should understand. Whether
your Social Netwerking footprint evokes annoyance or accolades, at least you’re
making people feel something – which is more than I can say for those who
choose to be boring. The entire purpose of modern art is to make the viewer
feel something. Consider yourself a modern art piece! Be it a rope coming out
of a wall, Tilda Swinton in a glass case, or a gigantic pile of trash lying in
the corner of the MoMa, modern art can induce confusion, disillusion, and even
disgust. So, go forth unto cyberland, my actor friends, and be one, big,
gigantic pile of trash.

Tonight was truly magical. So many people were part
of it. I wept through curtain call. #blessed #livingthedream #theatrelove

*

AND – Scene. There is nothing more I can teach
you about how to #werk in show business – unless the sales of this book
merit a trilogy. If that is the case, I’m ready to pump out
#GRATEFUL: Thank
you, Telsey
and
#BOOKEDIT: Acting Techniques That Will Make You Werk
,
because I’ll do anything for a dollar
.
Until that time, we must accept the
fact that all good things come to an end. We have reached the final curtain.
Feel free to read this chapter while listening to Coldplay’s “Fix You.”

We’ll always have the memories. It seems like only
yesterday we were sifting through college acceptance letters. Now look at you
– you’re out there taking jobs away from me. I couldn’t be more proud.
I’ll always cherish this time we spent together. As you continue to progress in
your career and quest to bring new meaning to what it is to be #blessed, I ask
that you don’t forget me. I’ll always be there. I am just behind the curtain,
snapping my fingers up high in the air, exclaiming “WERK!” I am on the Bares
poster or swinging a Mark Fisher Fitness kettlebell. I am in front of you in
the Schmackary’s line and behind you at that gypsy run. I am blocking the
mirror at a dance audition. I am nailing a callback right before it’s your turn
to go into the room. My vocal warm-ups will forever emanate down the halls at
every studio with subtle annoyance. I’ll be practicing my sides out loud in
World Wide Plaza or asking you who your agent is because mine doesn’t do TV and
film. I am in the dressing room selfie, the Kickstarter, and the first day of
school. Whenever someone Instagrams a script – I’ll be there. Whenever
someone posts a motivational quote – I’ll be there. Whenever someone is
younger than you – I’ll be there. I’ll be in the hashtags –
forever.