#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (6 page)

Having access to The Breakdowns was great because you
could hold your agent accountable for being a douche-bag. If you saw something
you thought you were right for, it was easy to nag your agent about it, on the
off chance they completely looked you over. I think an agent’s favorite
question to hear from an actor is probably, “Did you push for this?” Having
your finger on the pulse of opportunity is going to make or break your career
when you’re first starting out.

Things were simpler when The Breakdowns were floating
around. Now, to find out what projects you’re not being submitted for, you have
to hack into BreakdownsExpress.com. Didn’t your BFA program offer computer nerd
seminars during your career prep class? Oh – Well, I’m not going to tell
you how to gain access to BreakdownsExpress.com because I’d be relinquishing my
power to you and I have no clue if we’re the same type. Consider it a favor. When
you do figure out how to get onto BreakdownsExpress.com, you’ll also find out
whom your agent is submitting alongside or in lieu of you. Just when you think
your agent has finally figured out what you’re best for, they’ll toss in
someone with you whom you find to be completely untalented and wrong for the
part, thus leading you to believe your agent hasn’t a fuck of a clue what is
up.

As you get more famous, the need to police your agent
will lessen. Eventually, you’ll start getting seen for more roles based on how
well you perform at auditions and at Mark Fisher Fitness. Until then, put in
the extra legwork to make certain you’re not the third backup client on your
agent’s roster. Few things in life are more embarrassing than showing up to an
audition studio for a voice lesson and seeing a list on the monitor of all the
auditions you weren’t invited to. You could venture to say that maybe you were
submitted and casting passed on you – but if you’re following this
handbook correctly, you’ve attended the same bars and colleges as the people in
charge, so you should be getting called in for everything.

THE STUDIOS

You’re going to be pounding that pavement and #werking
those feet all over New York City, so you better have a good pair of walking
shoes – and I’m not suggesting LaDucas because they’ve been known to fall
apart ever since they went non-eq. After a few months, you’ll grow numb to the
usual suspects you see at every audition, and the studios you attend weekly
will begin to feel like second homes to you – but like
August: Osage
County
type-homes where you have love/hate relationships with all the
dysfunctional family members that never seem to leave.

Every year, a new audition studio pops up. Once you
finally find your juju at one location, everybody will start holding their
auditions somewhere else. Having been to all of the audition studios, here are
few knee-jerk reactions I have when I hear exactly where I need to truck my ass
to in an effort to book a job…

Actors’ Equity Audition Center

You’ll meet a lot of actors who are truly #SOBLESSED,
they’ve never even been inside the Actors’ Equity Audition Center. The new
studios opened in March of 2013, but I have not even set foot in the Equity Building
since the monitor treated my beverage like a cup of grande-half-caff-soy-sarin-gas.

Telsey + Co.

Oh, Telsey… Oh… Telsey, Telsey, Telsey. I think I’ll
just leave it at that. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with Telsey. If
this book ever warrants a sequel, I think I’ll call it,
#GRATEFUL: Thank
You, Telsey
.

New 42
^nd
Street Studios

Windows. Space. Celebrities in the elevator.
Celebrities at lunch. A special lanyard to enter the building that
also
gets you a discount at Pax. You have arrived. Unless you’re not there for
rehearsal. Then you’ll just feel like an audience member on a backstage tour
– but like an audience member that’s pissed off they’re on a backstage
tour because they should be in the show. If you do find yourself at an audition
there, make sure to call it “New 42” as many times as you can. It will give the
waiting room residents (and maybe even the casting director!) the impression
that you’ve rehearsed there before. #makingmemories.

Alvin Ailey

I’ve only auditioned for serious projects at Alvin
Ailey. It’s
Alvin Ailey
. If you’re auditioning at “Ailey,” you gotta be
going in for true masterpieces like
The Little Mermaid
or
Shrek
–
or a guaranteed smash hit like the recent Broadway revival of
Funny Girl
.

The Ford/Hilton/Foxwoods/Whatever They Call It Now

Consider this dismaying observation: This studio has
no windows and no clocks, which offers you this chilling challenge… to find a way
to get cell phone reception!

Chelsea, Ripley Grier,
and Pearl Studios

Chelsea Studios and Ripley Grier used to
be the only competitors, but Ripley was always the IT place. It was bigger. It
was closer. It was peach. Then Chelsea Studios opened up a new floor and
started pulling all the focus. After that, young and pretty Pearl popped up and
everybody started going there, even though it was an entire block further from
Midtown. Then, like any #trulyblessed actor, Pearl decided it didn’t have
enough work and opened up another studio across the street. Pearl Studios
became like that friend who workshops Broadway shows by day and performs in one
at night. Once Pearl threw down the double-douche-dare, Ripley Grier was like,
“Fuck you. We ran this town before you were born!” So they opened up an entire
floor and a half up on seventeen. Your move, Chelsea… (LOL! J/k –
Chelsea’s so over.)

Nola Studios

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

#REASONSYOUDIDNTBOOKIT

I refuse to admit that the fault of a job not booked
ever falls on that of the actor. There is always a reason you didn’t book it,
and many of them are more common than you realize. I have no doubt you’ll find
a few of the following reasons familiar…

The Casting Office Doesn’t Like You

Legendary casting director, Marion Dougherty, told
the Miami Harold in 1991 that, “Casting is a game of gut instinct. You feel
their talent and potential in the pit of your stomach. It’s about guts and
luck.” I’m sure that’s what it feels like on their side of the table, but when
luck doesn’t play out on our end, the instinct in the pit of my stomach is that
they potentially don’t feel my talent.

Forging good relationships with casting offices is
the single most important thing you can do when you move here – after
being under twenty-five. When you’re fresh, casting offices approach you with
the curiosity of a dog discovering the squeaking mechanism in a chew toy for
the first time. They’ll be calling you in for all sorts of projects because
you’re this fascinating new smell they’ve discovered. You should revel in this
moment because it won’t be long until they’ve ripped the squeaker out and
you’re left collecting stuffing while they’ve moved on to something shiny.

Relationships with casting offices can be a lot like
dating. There’s always an awkward first date where they size you up. This is
known as a prescreen. It may take several prescreens before they decide you’re
worthy to sleep with (get seen by the director) or meet their parents (the
entire Last Supper table of creatives and producers). Don’t get discouraged if
you never get to meet the parents. When a casting office refuses to pass you
through to the creative team, it could be simply because they don’t like you. It’s
not because you bombed the audition or aren’t right for the role. It’s
casting’s insecurity with your awesomeness. There’s a speculation that casting
may refrain from putting you in front of the creative team because if you’re
wrong, you could potentially put their credibility on the line and jeopardize
their relationship with a director, thus risking future job opportunities for
the office. There’s something to that theory – but I still believe that if
your relationship with a casting office turns sour, it’s definitely an, “It’s
not you. It’s me,” situation.

They Went Ethnic

You might want to let this slide because it happens a
lot less than it should.

The Accompanist Didn’t Know How to Play Your Song

Even after you've questionably noted your music, nervously
mumbled some directions, and shakily clapped out a tempo, there will still be
an accompanist who has no effing clue how to play your Jason Robert Brown song.
Seriously, though – whenever I don’t get a callback, I usually find a way
to blame the accompanist. It doesn’t matter if they played my audition
flawlessly. It’s still their fault.

Take note of which accompanists are solid and which
ones gravitate toward turning all of the “up-beats” in your book into power
ballads. For every Liberace at Pearl Studios, there’s an accompanist who will
play your audition wearing a pair of oven mitts.

They Wanted a Name

Whoever said, “There are no small parts, only small
actors,” was obviously never a swing or a Little Person. Whether you’re up for
a starring role or a track in the ensemble, the Powers That Be usually have a
gravitational pull in their no-no places for actors with attractive credits. If
you didn’t book a job, it’s probably because someone with a prettier résumé
came in after you.

It might seem like I’m saying that in order to
get
credits
you need to
have credits
, and – yes, that’s exactly
what I’m saying. #twerk.

They Don’t Work Around Show Schedules

Jumping from show to show can be really difficult
when one show refuses to work around your other show. The most efficient way to
remain gainfully employed is to collect shows like you’re storing acorns for
the winter. Having a few workshops in your back pocket can ease the sting of a
show closing, or the boredom that comes from being employed in a show too long.
Most workshops are great about working around show schedules. However, I can’t
tell you how many TV roles and national commercials I
so
would have
booked if they had found a way to work around my schedule.

You Were Too Good Looking

Sometimes you’re just too good looking to book a job.
It happens. It’s your cross to bear. Nine times out of ten, if you miss out on
a role, it’s because the director didn’t want your good looks to distract from
the lead. That is why I don’t recommend asking your agent for feedback. Being
told you’re too good looking for a role is demoralizing.

The Reader Skipped Ahead

I’ve heard about Stone Age days (even way before
faxing) when actors had to pick up their sides at their agent’s or read the
script at the casting office. Talk about #horryifing. Thank god for technology,
so you can easily download 8GB of PDFs to your iPad to prepare for a single
audition. You might think that carrying a tablet into an audition is
doucherific. Well, it ain’t nearly as doucherific as learning sixteen different
scenes for a role you
might
need to cover, or being told to prepare all
of the sides, but pick your favorite – only for the casting director to
throw a curve-ball and make you read the one side you studied the least. It’s
time to go green. I’ve gotten audition sides for a swing track that easily
flattened a square mile of land in the Yucatán. Trees need no longer be
slaughtered!

With so many sides for you to prepare, it’s
inevitable that the reader who has been immersed in the material for days will
skip ahead and mess you up. This is called, “When Bad Readers Happen to Good
Actors.” Should you suffer this horrible fate, you’ll at least have someone to
blame for not booking the job.

#BOOKEDIT

There is an age-old saying that goes something like,
“The average actor has to go on a hundred auditions to book one job.” I don’t
think my agent has ever bothered to find me one hundred auditions. If it took
me that long, they’d drop my ass anyway. One hundred auditions is a
shit-ton-of-time dedicated to feeling bad about yourself.

If you go on two auditions a week, for about
fifty-two weeks, how do you measure a year in the life of an average actor? (The
following guesstimate does not include failed callback attempts.)

- $500 in cab fare ($2.50 a
ride).

- 4 and 1/16
^th
straight days of non-stop crying (one hour an audition).

- $1,200 in post audition happy
hour or comfort fast food.

- 17 bags of Ricolas (4 an
audition).

-
25 tablets of Xanax (1/4 a pill per audition).

That’s a lot of money to spend on failure. You better
make those auditions count! The last thing you want to do is expend all that
energy pounding the pavement and end up with your “one booking” being that of a
clown in a dinner theatre production of
Hello, Dolly!
Don’t let the
parade pass you by. That’s why I recommend only auditioning for shit that
matters. At any given moment, there are twenty shows running on Broadway.
That’s not even counting the productions waiting in the wings. Between EPAs and
ECC singer/dancer calls, you’re looking at over a hundred six-month required
calls within one-year right there. I challenge you to spend your next one hundred
auditions on A-List projects only. If the one out of one hundred theory is
true, then you are only ninety-nine auditions away from the appointment that
will change your life. Go take on the day. #werk.