Solitary Man (7 page)

She was right, Kevin realized. In all his mulling over the angles of this situation, he’d never factored Nikki’s past into the equation. How
could
he think she’d willingly get rid of her own child? He’d kick himself if he could.

How much more pain would he cause her? “Go on,” he said softly, hoping to somehow calm her down. Distress couldn’t be good for the baby or its mother.

“Forget it” She blinked at the moisture forming in her eyes. A lone tear trickled down her face and the truth settled in his gut.

He could do many things. Forgetting what she’d been about to say wasn’t one of them. “You were listing your losses. Your parents, Tony… and who else?”

“Janine,” she said quickly, averting her gaze.

“True, but it’s not who you meant.” Kevin had no desire to torture her any more than he wanted to bring the issue to light. But if he and Nikki didn’t resolve their night together once and for all, her pain, resentment, and anger would eat her alive.

He might deserve to be horsewhipped for leaving her, but she needed to expunge her anger. Then they’d have to find a way to go on.

He placed a finger beneath her chin and raised her head until their eyes met “Who else, Nicole?”

“You,” she spat. “You left me too.” Eyes blazing, cheeks also on fire, yet Nikki held her own. He was proud of her. Maybe they’d come to terms with each other yet.

“And each time you say or do something like this…” She gestured around the sterile room. “You tear me apart all over again. I won’t have it, Kevin. Do you want to know why I’m here?”

Not trusting himself to speak, he merely nodded.

“For prenatal care. Where else would I go for basic visits? I don’t have insurance, I can’t afford a private doctor…” Her shoulders shook as she spoke, testament to the effort this confrontation was taking.

He knew how difficult this trip must have been for her alone. He’d had a hell of a time finding the clinic and he wasn’t afraid to venture down side streets and alleys.

He wrapped an arm around her and led her back to the examining table. Her soft skin brushed his fingers, and her tantalizing scent touched his heart. She sat down and inhaled deeply.

She had enough strength for both of them, he thought. He took some of her courage and drew it into himself. From now on though, she’d lean on him. He’d see to it.

“If you’d been willing to sit down with me and talk, we could have resolved some of those issues instead of you having to turn to clinical care. Alone.”

“Why would I sit down with you? You walked out once. Even if you’re here to stay now, and for the record, I believe you are—”

“You do?”

She sighed. “You’re a good man, Kevin. That’s half the problem. You’ll be here for the baby. I know you wouldn’t abandon your child. But there’s no way in hell
I’ll
rely on you again.”

Before he could respond, the door creaked open on old hinges. “Everything okay in here?” the doctor asked.

“‘Yes,” Nikki answered.

“Then if you don’t mind, we have to get started. I have patients waiting and I’m running late as it is.”

“Come on in.” He spared a glance at Nikki’s pale, drawn face.

“Weren’t you just leaving?” she asked.

He shook his head. “It’s
our
baby’s heartbeat, Nicole. I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

Nikki had protested, but Kevin drove her home from the clinic. They drove in silence. Given the many confusing thoughts she was having, she figured he was lost in thought too.

When they passed by one of the local colleges, Nikki’s gaze was drawn to the wide-open spaces and people milling about. “I’d like to get out here.”

“Here?” He slowed the car. “Why?”

“I need air, space, time to think. I want to walk and feel the breeze against my face. I want to deal with everything I’ve learned in the last couple of days. Alone,” she added softly.

He hesitated, but slowed the car even more.

“I’m an adult. I can take a walk and grab the subway home. I can even take a cab if it makes you feel better, but please give me the space and respect I need.”

He pulled into the first open space on the side of the road. “Do you have money on you?”

“Do you think I’m a complete incompetent? I’ll be fine. I just want some time.”

He nodded. “Then you’ve got it”

“Thank you.” She got out of the car, slamming the door behind her. She didn’t look back to see if Kevin watched or pulled away.

She walked for an hour on the Boston Common, watching the college kids alternatively lounging and studying by the water. Young and carefree. She used to be like them. She shook her head. She’d been one of them, yes. But like them? Maybe not. She’d always felt older than her years—due in part to the constant need to challenge her family’s concept that she was their baby.

And now she was having one of her own. With her hand over her stomach, she turned and headed toward the T—Boston’s subway system—to take her home. She took her seat and the ride passed in a blur, as she was still dazed by the morning at the clinic, and the sonogram picture in her purse.

No sooner did she get inside the apartment building and up the stairs, when what sounded like hammering reached her ears. She rounded the corner and came to her apartment. Curious, she walked faster.

She headed down the hall to find her door open wide, and Kevin on his knees, tools spread around him as he worked to replace the lock he’d damaged during his earlier break-in.

She came up behind him and leaned close. The heavenly scent of aftershave assaulted her senses. “Hi,” she whispered in his ear.

He jumped back and the screwdriver went flying out of his hand. “Damn, you shouldn’t sneak up on someone like that. Especially a man with a sharp object,” he muttered.

Nikki grinned, happy to have gotten the upper hand, even over something so trivial. It gave her hope for the future.

He grabbed for the wayward screwdriver. “The least you could do is say thank you,” he muttered.

“Thank you. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that I wouldn’t need the lock changed if someone hadn’t overreacted.”

“Don’t remind me.”

She stepped around him, intending to head inside her apartment. Instead she turned and knelt down beside him. “We have to come to some sort of agreement. A meeting of the minds.”

“What kind of agreement?” he asked.

“You have to let me live my life,” she said, thinking of their earlier argument in the doctor’s office.

The one revolving around her keeping her job. Thank goodness the doctor had agreed with Nikki—as long as she felt up to it and there were no signs of distress, she could continue working.

“I wish it were that simple, Princess.”

She shut her eyes against the sound of his voice and
that
word. “It’s as simple as you make it. I’m keeping my job.”

He nodded, recalling that the battle lines had been drawn. “Then I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

It did figure. The one time she didn’t want Kevin around, he had no intention of leaving. She’d just have to ignore his presence in her life, as difficult as she knew it would be.

She was responsible for herself and the life growing inside her. She welcomed the challenge. She just wished Kevin didn’t feel the same.

She sighed, knowing she’d better get used to his presence. He wasn’t going anywhere.

FIVE

S
unlight streamed through the blinds in Nikki’s bedroom. She’d managed to toss and turn all afternoon, but she’d gotten no sleep. The night shift loomed long ahead of her. Nikki pulled on her boots, then had to rest until the exhaustion subsided.

“Why don’t you take the night off?” Janine walked into Nikki’s room and stood in the doorway.

“Because I need every dollar I can make.” Nikki glanced up from her seat on the bed. “So tell me how long you knew?”

Janine shrugged. “Awhile. But until you were ready to face what your body was telling you, I figured I was better off keeping my mouth shut.”

“And bringing Kevin back into my life.”

“He’s the baby’s father.”

“And I would have told him—once I figured it out for myself. This way I have no breathing room.” In fact if she allowed herself, Nikki thought she’d suffocate from the entire situation. “I have no time to think about the best way to handle things because he’s trying to take control.”

Janine walked into the room, her sneakers squeaking against the hardwood floor as she moved toward Nikki. “And this is a bad thing?” She parked herself beside Nikki on the down comforter on the bed. “If a man wants to help take care of you, I say you should let him.”

Forcing a deep breath, Nikki gathered her thoughts before trying to explain. Nikki and Janine weren’t all that different in what they wanted out of life. Family and happiness. It wasn’t that Janine wanted or even needed a man to take care of her. She could take care of herself, but the natural extension of
caring
—the loving—that was what Janine lost when Tony died.

What Nikki would never have with Kevin. “You’re mistaking what Kevin feels for me. Obligation isn’t love. A sense of responsibility isn’t caring. Oh, I know he cares about me, but it isn’t enough.” She met Janine’s concerned gaze. “Tell me something. Would you have stayed with Tony if he’d gotten you pregnant but wasn’t in love with you? If you couldn’t share all those special times? The ones that are getting you through the pain now?”

Nikki grabbed for her sister-in-law’s hand. Janine had to understand, if only because Nikki was tired and needed the strength of someone else’s understanding, at least for one night.

“No, I wouldn’t have stayed with him. But apparently I have more faith in Kevin than you do. Or at least in his feelings.” Janine sighed. “The same way you didn’t know you were pregnant despite all the obvious signs? He just hasn’t gotten in touch with his feelings. Yet”

“Ever the optimist.” Nikki marveled at her sister-in-law’s strength.

Janine smiled. “When you have another life to think of first, it’s amazing how your perception of the world changes. You’ll see.”

Nikki nodded. “I agree with you.” Her hand went to her still-flat stomach. “But it’s because of this life that I have to be realistic. And counting on Kevin for more than fatherhood won’t do either of us any good.”

“I’m going to make myself something to eat,” Janine said and rose from the bed. “You know, Nicole, you’re very much like your brother. You see things one way: your way.” She shook her head, sadness etched in her features and the dejected tilt of her head. “But what happens if that tunnel vision of yours is wrong—and you count out the very people you ought to believe in?”

Nikki narrowed her eyes. “What are you saying?”

“That as well as you knew your brother, you didn’t know him at all. Because it’s too hard to see likenesses that you don’t want to face. And he didn’t trust enough. Not in me, not in his partner…”

“Tony trusted Kevin with his life,” Nikki argued. But she was unsure if it was her brother she was defending or Kevin and his lack of faith in himself. He believed he’d failed Tony. Nikki couldn’t bear it if Janine felt the same way.

Janine shook her head. “Tony trusted Kevin as much as he trusted anyone. Unfortunately, it wasn’t saying much. He shouldn’t have left Kevin behind that night and you know it.”

Nikki nodded. If her brother had waited for his partner, he might be alive today. “But I don’t get how Tony’s behavior applies to me.”

“No, you don’t And I hope you never will.”

Nikki decided to leave Janine’s riddles alone. She was too tired to make sense of them now anyway. “What are your plans?” Nikki asked.

“I’m booked on a flight at the end of the week. I want to go home and get my bearings. Decide where I want to live before I pack my things and worry about moving them.”

“I’ll help any way I can. You know that”

“I do and I appreciate it. Most I can handle alone, but Tony’s things…” Janine’s voice cracked with emotion and she drew a deep breath before continuing. “When I get back, will you help me sort through them?”

Nikki nodded, knowing it would take the strength of two people to tackle that job and was glad she had a few weeks reprieve.

* * *

The bar music had reached its crescendo. Kevin took a sip of soda and wondered if he was getting old or if it was the scene before him he’d grown tired of. One week of hanging out in the bar, watching Nikki do her thing, was getting to him. Each night her steps grew heavier, her pace slower, her smile dimmer. And each night he had to sit on his hands while she worked, anything to prevent him from picking her up and physically hauling her out of the bar.

He dug into his pocket and came up with the small black and white printout of the sonogram depicting the baby.
His
baby, his and Nikki’s. His heart beat faster in his chest and a lump formed in the back of his throat. Such a tiny little thing. Minute in size but so heavy a burden. He shook his head. Not a burden, a responsibility. A commitment. One he took both seriously and willingly. Whether he could live up to it was another story.

He’d do his damndest to see he didn’t fail again. Last week at Planned Parenthood, he’d voiced his misgivings regarding Nikki’s continued employment. The doctor had informed him Nikki wasn’t sick, she was pregnant. In fact the good doctor hadn’t objected to Nikki’s job unless she sacrificed her health in any way. At the time, Kevin swore to Nicole he’d back off the waitressing issue. To himself, he’d promised he’d maintain a steady vigil and step in at the first sign of problems or distress.