Some Hearts (15 page)

“What else would be going on?” I asked.

“You tell me. You’ve been quiet when we talk. You seem distracted all the time,” he said. “When I came to visit you, you seemed like your mind was elsewhere.”

If I’d acted distracted, I hadn’t even realized it.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

His tone was soft when he said, “Emory, I don’t want an apology. I want you to talk to me. I want you to open up to me. I want you to trust me with whatever is going on in your life.”

I wanted to tell him right then. I couldn’t get the words out. I didn’t want to do it over the phone. If I was going to confide everything, I wanted to do it in person. I decided at that moment that the next time Noah came home, I would tell him everything. No more secrets. Until then, I just couldn’t get the words out.

“Everything is fine,” I said.

“Somehow, I knew you were going to say that,” he muttered.

***

“Is it me? Am I overreacting? Am I being ridiculous because I do feel so insecure?” I demanded.

Riley handed me a glass of ice-water before sitting down on her bed next to me. I didn’t give her a chance to answer.

“I want to believe him. But I know how she looked at me when she showed up in his dorm. I know I didn’t imagine that. And why w
as she there in the first place? She knew I would be there and Noah told her he’d get his book later.”

I turned to Riley. S
he was biting the inside of her cheek.

Until that moment,
Casey had been sitting at her desk typing out a paper on her laptop. When I stopped talking, her fingers stopped moving. She spun around on her chair. I couldn’t begrudge her for overhearing. Their suite was larger than Noah’s small dorm. But the space was still limited. If I had wanted absolute privacy, I would’ve asked Riley to take a walk with me. I guess I wanted another opinion.

“I know you’re not really asking me, and I know we don’t really know each other all that well yet, but I think you have valid concerns. Even if you imagined the look, you did not imagine her making an excuse to stop by Noah’s room after he clearly told her no
t to. You did not imagine her answering his phone. Not just once, which could be excusable, but twice,” she said as she folded her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to butt in, but I think you might have a real problem.”

Riley hesitantly nodded. “I hate to say it but I think she’s right. There was no reason for her to answer Noah’s phone, especially the second time around.
I don’t buy that Noah dropped it, either. That seems way too convenient.”

“She was trying to make a statement,”
Casey said.

Riley snorted when she laughed. “Right. She was trying to say
Skank on the loose, hang on to your man
!’ I hate girls like her!” She shook her head. “Sorry. I know it’s not funny. On the bright side, you know Noah. It doesn’t matter how she feels about him. He’d
never
act on it.”

I noted how
Casey’s eyes narrowed. She did
not
know Noah. A doubtful look settled onto her face.

“What?” I demanded.

She shrugged. “It must be nice, dating a guy like that. I’ve never dated someone that I trusted that much. Not under these circumstances. She’s clearly making a play for him. You know it, I know it. I can’t believe he doesn’t know it. But if you say he doesn’t…,” She shrugged. “What bothers me, though…is the fact that he’s defending her.”

I glanced at Riley. She just shrugged. He was defending her because he saw the good in everybody. That was the only reason. Wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it
?

I hated that I was starting to not only doubt myself, but doubt him as well.

Was I the naïve one here? Was my trust in Noah going to come back to bite me in the ass?

No, I told myself. It was all going to work out. I was the one he’d just surprised with a visit. I was the one he told he loved. I was the one he’d do anything for.

Then why did I have that hollow ache in the pit of my stomach?

I turned to
Casey again. “So what do you suggest I do?”

She shrugged. “I’ve got no idea. Cross your fingers, hope for the best and maybe the next eight months will fly right by.”

Riley groaned.

“Or,”
Casey said as a mischievous smile appeared, “you two could call it quits from now until the end of the end of the year. You could see where things go. I know you think Noah’s the love of your life, but do you really know who else is out there?”

I stared at her for a moment. Was she serious? Because that advice was absolutely no help at all.

I tossed my textbook aside. I’d been studying, or at least trying to, for hours. I was sure I hadn’t retained any of the information. It was a Friday night. Riley was working but Casey had asked me to join her and her friends.

It probably would’ve been a good idea for me to accept her offer. It would’ve taken my mind off of everything.

Instead, here I sat. That achy feeling in the pit of my stomach had not gone away.

Noah and I had never fought before. Not really. And while the conversation we had hadn’t really been a fight, somehow, it felt like something even worse. It felt like the proverbial calm before the storm.
I felt restless and wired. If it weren’t for the fact that I had a test to study for, I would’ve considered hopping in my car to make the drive to Hudson. I didn’t think this uneasy feeling was going to go away until I saw Noah in person.

Memories of him tumbled through my mind.
The day we’d floated down the Willow River ended up being one of the best days of my life. I had felt drawn to him in a way I’d never felt drawn to anyone before.

We’d gone our separate ways for a few hours. Noah with his friends, me with mine. Then later, e
veryone had gone to Drew’s. I’d spotted Noah the same moment he’d spotted me. He’d smiled and given me a half-wave. Minutes later, he’d made his way across the clearing. We talked some more and by the end of the evening, he’d shyly taken my hand. When it was time for me to go so I didn’t break my curfew, he’d walked me to my car.  We made plans for the following Friday. And then slowly…so slowly, he’d leaned in, brushing his lips against mine. My arms had gone around his neck, holding him to me. His hands had settled on my waist. The tentative kiss had exploded.

I’d been
twenty minutes late by the time I’d walked through my front door.

Our first date had been a football game, our high school’s first home game of the season. I
’d had no idea what was going on, Noah patiently explained each play. I didn’t really care what was going on down on the field but I could’ve listened to the sound of his voice all night.

He was my date for junior
and
senior prom. Over the last few years, I barely had a memory that he wasn’t somehow entangled in.

From nowhere,
Casey’s words floated through my head.
You two could call it quits from now until the end of the end of the year. You could see where things go. I know you think Noah’s the love of your life, but do you really know who else is out there?

Her statement caused me a moment of panic, and yet, I knew there was some truth to her words. It was a conflicting statement.
Why wonder who else is out there when you know you already have the best there is?

I hadn’t talked to him since yesterday. I wondered if he was feeling as unsettled as I was. We just needed to spend some time together I assured myself. The holidays were coming up. He’d be home for them, and for the entire extended winter break. Maybe that’s all we needed to get our relationship back on track.

In the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt to put another visit on the calendar. It would give us both something to look forward to. I pulled out my phone. I scrolled through my planner. It was mostly filled with assignments and due dates. Here and there were times Mom had asked me to work. I had the following weekend free.

I pinched the bridge of my nose for a moment, trying to think. I hated the idea of leaving Tyler alone. But dammit,
that should be Mom’s responsibility. I could always see if Caleb could help out, though that thought made me feel guilty. I realized I’d been relying on him way too much lately.

Maybe I could call Jack’s mom. She would probably be willing to let Tyler spend the weekend with them. Though how I would manage to ask her that, without explaining why I needed the  help, I didn’t know.

I could work out the details later.

I couldn’t stand the way Noah and I had left things. Not just concerning Amanda, but everything. He knew something was going on in my life. It was time I tell him. I didn’t want him to think I was pulling away from him on purpose. It wasn’t fair to keep things from him and expect him to be okay with that. When I saw him next, I would tell him everything. I’d tell him about Mom, her drinking, how it had gotten completely out of control. I would admit to him that I felt completely in over my head.

No matter how helpless it made me feel.

His phone rang so many times that I was preparing myself for voicemail.

When he finally answered, he sounded hesitant.

“Just a second,” he said into the phone. I could hear loud music pulsating in the background. Of course, he was out with friends. It was the weekend. The music faded and his voice became clearer. “
Are you still there?” he asked.

“I’m here. Do you have a few minutes to talk? Or were you in the middle of something?”

“Uh…I can talk.”

His voice sounded strange. Not quite slurred but I could tell he’d been drinking. Girls’ laughter broke out somewhere in the background. I had no way of knowing if one of those girls was Amanda.

I hated this, being so far away. Not knowing what was going on. I hated feeling so disconnected. Did he feel the same? ’Cause it majorly sucked. Even worse, the school year wasn’t even half over. I squeezed my eyes shut, wondering how much worse things were going to get. If I felt like this already, where were we going to be a month from now? Five months from now? Seven months?

The end of the school year seemed like a lifetime away.

“I don’t like how we left things the other day,” I told him.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, this long distance thing pretty much sucks.”

His words took me by surprise. Noah was always the one who tried to see the bright side. I wasn’t prepared for him to start the conversation on a negative note. Maybe the alcohol was lowering his inhibitions, letting him say things he’d normally hold back.

“It sure does,” I agreed.

“These are our college years. We’re supposed to be having fun, living it up. I’m trying to have fun but it’s hard. I feel like I just sit around missing you all the damn time. Even when I’m out, I’m missing you. Like tonight, Justin’s here with his girlfriend. All these guys are here with their girls and I’m just…”

I tried swallowing down the growing lump of dread that had climbed into my throat. It wouldn’t budge. Here it was, the conversation I’d been dreading above all else.

“What?” I asked quietly. Was that why he’d been drinking? Had he been trying to drink his bad mood away?

“I knew this would be hard
,” Noah said. “This long distance thing. But I didn’t think it would be
this
hard. I’m trying but I feel you pulling away from me. I know something else is going on with you. I hate that you won’t talk to me. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”

“I’m not pulling away,” I insisted. “In fact, I’m calling because I want to come see you next weekend. Is that okay?”

I can’t do this anymore…
What exactly was he talking about?

“I want you here now,” Noah said. His tone sounded belligerent.

“Hey, Noah, are you coming back? It’s your turn to roll. I can refill your beer for you.”

I grimaced at the sound of the female voice. His turn to roll? Refill his beer? I’d caught him in the middle of a drinking game.

Fanfuckingtastic.

“I don’t think so,” he said. “Count me out of this round. I’ll be back to play the next one.”

“Is that Amanda?” I demanded. That horrible ache in my stomach intensified. Was he getting
drunk
with her?

“No,” he said in a flat tone. “It’s Laura, Justin’s girlfriend. I’m not allowed to talk to Amanda. Remember?
You should remember. Because things have been awkward as hell the last few days. She knows I’m avoiding her and it’s not like I can tell her why. And that totally sucks too because I like talking to her.”

“Do you like her?” I wasn’t sure where that question had even come from.

“I don’t want to do this over the phone.”

That was not the answer that I’d been expecting.

“
Noah
? Do
what
over the phone?”

“I don’t want to talk about Amanda with you,” he said quietly.

“What’s there to talk about?” I asked. My tone had taken on a higher than usual pitch. “That girl has been manipulating you. Don’t you see that?”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know her. You met her for what? Like fifteen seconds?”

“It was long enough,” I assured him. “Girls like her like to prove that they can get whatever they want. And she wants you. It was all over her face when she showed up at your dorm.”

“She’s a nice girl.” I snorted out a sarcastic laugh. “And she’s gotten to be a good friend. She’s really—”

“If you’re even thinking about defending her to me,” I grated out after cutting him off, “or talking her up to me, just stop right now.”

I was met with silence. I could hear him breathing on the other end of the line. So, what…? If he couldn’t defend Amanda, he had nothing else to say to me? How in the hell was I supposed to take
that
?

This phone call was supposed to fix things. Not make them worse. Now, my head and heart were filled with even more fear than they had been before.

“Do you have feelings for her?” I asked as I squeezed my eyes shut.

“
It’s complicated. Let’s not do this now,” Noah said. He sounded surprisingly sober all of a sudden.

“
Do what?” I demanded. “Break up? Why not? I mean, why would you bother to come home for this when you haven’t bothered to come home for anything else?” I said the words, not really meaning him. I wanted him to tell me I was being ridiculous. I wanted him to say of course we weren’t going to break up. That it was the farthest thing from his mind.

He didn’t do that.

“That’s not fair,” he shot at me.

My heart twisted, contracted, tightened until it felt ready to
implode. I had started this, whether I’d meant to or not. Now the question was gnawing away at my insides. I needed an answer before the not-knowing at me alive.

“Life’s not fair, Noah. Do. You. Like. Her? It’s a yes or no question.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“T
hen explain it. I have time. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to keep up.”

“
I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore,” he said in a shaky voice. “You and me? Things feel different than they used to. They don’t feel right. It feels like it’s getting worse and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. I want to be with someone who trusts me, who confides in me. I want to be with someone who I can talk about anything with.”

“You think Amanda is that person?”
Had he talked to her about me? Had he shared our problems?

I was met with more silence…and it was
deafening.

I leaned against my wall and slid down to the floor.
An agonizing numbness began to course through my veins. Tears were building up painfully behind my closed eyelids.

“Just answer me,” I whispered. “Do you have feelings for her?”

I heard him swallow on the other end of the line. Then he said the word that shattered my heart into a million pieces. “Yes.”

It felt like countless minutes passed as we sat silent, other than our labored, pained breathing.

“Is she there? At the party?”

“Yes,” he said softly. “But other than saying ‘hi’ I’ve kept my distance.”

Was that supposed to make me feel better? It didn’t.

“Emory,” Noah finally said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened.”

“I do,” I said, my voice tight with the strain of holding back tears. “She’s been trying to come between us. Congratulations. You let her.”

“That’s not true,” Noah argued. “You know things have been strained between us. She ha
d nothing to do with that.”

“No, maybe not. But I can guarantee that she used it to her advantage. Do you really think you dropped your phone that night? And even if you did, when she answered, she could’ve told me that you dropped it. She didn’t do that. She made it sound like you were with her. And don’t tell me I misunderstood, because I didn’t. And why didn’t she tell you that I’d called?
”

“Maybe she forgot. Or maybe she figured I’d be talking to you soon, anyway,” he suggested.

“Showing up at your dorm, when you told her I’d be there? When you told her not to?”

“She was dropping off my book, Emory. She was just being nice.
She was trying to help me out.”

I scrubbed my hand over my face and expelled a shaky breath. What if he was right? What if I was wrong? What if my insecurities pushed him straight to her?

“So…,” Noah said in a strained voice. “Where does this leave us?”

A
sarcastic laugh fell from my mouth. “You just told me you have feelings for another girl. Where do you
think
that leaves us?” I didn’t let him finish. “You know, there
is
something going on with me. I’m sorry that I haven’t told you but it’s something I’ve been struggling with. I was going to talk to you about it next weekend.
That’s
why I called and why I wanted to see if you were free.” I wanted him to know that I
did
trust him, but that I’d just needed more time.