Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie We're In Trouble! (The Toad Witch Mysteries Book 2) (28 page)

“Where’s Gus?” I asked.

“Discharged. That nice, older gentleman took him about an hour ago.”

“What?!” I screeched. “What happened to the antibiotic drip? Or the antiviral meds? Or the staying in the hospital for a week?”

She shrugged. “He was with his gentleman friend all day and then tonight, he insisted on signing himself out. Not much we can do. We gave him prescription meds to take home.”

I swore under my breath, then hurriedly backtracked to my car and raced home. Hopefully, they’d be at the cottage. Because the only address I had for Forrest, was Hell.

Chapter 50

I
banged open the door and stormed into the cottage. Gus was on the couch, looking a little green.

“What the hell are you doing here? You should be in the hospital!”

“I felt fine,” Gus said, not looking at me. “I was back to normal. So I left.”

“And now, you’re clearly not,” I said. “Get in the car. We’re going back.”

He shook his head. “No. Hospitals are dangerous places. Forrest has been telling me all about the latest hospital super-bugs.”

“I’ll just bet he has.” At least Gus sounded better than he had yesterday. The meds must have done some good. “Where is he, anyway?”

“Upstairs, in the bathroom. He was looking for a nail file.”

“Good. You and I need to talk.” I pulled the picture out of my purse and handed it to Gus. “Look at this. See that guy in the back? Does he look familiar?”

Gus squinted at the photo.

I turned on all the lights in the room, so he could get a better look. Then I sighed and got a magnifying glass from the desk. “We need to get you to an eye doctor. The CMV is affecting your sight.”

He peered through the magnifying glass. “Is that… Forrest?”

I nodded. “With J.J.’s great-great-grandfather. Not looking a day younger than he does now. Too bad that photo was taken in the late 1800’s.”

“What are you saying? That Forrest is 150 years old?
Damn,
he looks good for an old geezer.”

“No, you idiot. I’m saying that Forrest is the Devil. Think about it. Forrest’s leopards got you sick. When Forrest thought J.J. was going to show me this picture, he turned him into Gronwy the rat. He’s been trying to get his hands on the toad bone ever since he showed up. And he called me a
hoot
. Who even says that anymore? You know who else called us a hoot?
The
Devil
.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Forrest said, laughing, as he came down the stairs. He tossed a folded up newspaper on the table. “Lack of sleep is obviously making you loopy. You’re confusing reality with some nightmare you had.”

But Gus kept looking at the picture and comparing it to Forrest.

Forrest rolled his eyes. “Just because I look like some guy who lived a couple centuries ago…”

“Not like,” Gus said. “Exact. This isn’t a resemblance. This is you.”

“Thank you,” I glared at Forrest, triumphant, then turned back to Gus. “And now that he’s finished filing down his talons, and reading our newspaper, I think it’s time for the Devil to leave, and for me to get you back to the hospital.”

Forrest grew taller, radiating light and danger. “If you think I am leaving without that bone, you’re a bigger idiot than that little snot, J.J.”

Forrest snapped his fingers, and Gus grabbed at his midsection, struggling to breathe.

“Stop that!” I said. “You’re killing him!”

“He’s killing himself. All he has to do, to make it stop, is give me the bone.”

“Never,” Gus spat out.

Forrest looked at Gus and made a small squeezing motion with his fingers. “Whether I take it from you now or post-mortem, makes no difference to me.”

Gus groaned in agony. “Fucker,” he spat out. “You played me… this entire… time? Go to… hell.”

Forrest laughed. “Not without you.”

“Stop it! There’s no need to do this,” I said. “We’re witches and you’re the Devil. We can be civilized. There’s no need to keep hurting Gus.”

“You expect me to believe that you want to have a civilized conversation with me?” Forrest asked, laughing.

“Look, I know we’ve had our share of problems. I didn’t trust you, because I knew you were hiding something. It was driving me crazy. But now, I know who you really are, so there’s no reason not to be civilized.” I said.

I knew, Forrest, as the Father of Lies, would sniff out any falsehood in a red-hot second and he’d take it out on Gus. So I tried to hold onto the small kernel of truth within my words and believe what I was saying.

Forrest narrowed his eyes and looked at me, suspicious.

“Consider it professional courtesy. I may not like you, but I respect your Office. You are the Opposer, the Forge that tests the mettle of men’s souls. Before now, you were just Gus’s lying boyfriend. Big difference.”

I poured Forrest a drink and handed it to him. “I talked to the doctor, and the string of coincidences that needed to happen, to take Gus down… was a work of art.”

Forrest inclined his head and smiled. “I’m not a butcher. I take pride in my craft. I originally thought I could get to him through you, but that was a dead end.”

“But you
did
get to him through me. That plum I dropped…”

He laughed. “That was beautiful. The timing had to be impeccable, to start that snowball rolling. Once that was set, the rest was easy.”

I shook my head. “A perfect storm. A simultaneous bacterial, viral and parasitic infection. I don’t know what to say.”

“I know… what to say. Fuck you.” Gus gasped.

Forrest made a motion, and Gus went flying across the room, bouncing off the armchair and hitting the floor with a groan.

“I would already have the bone, if it wasn’t for you,” Forrest said to me. “Don’t think I’ll forget that. You took my perfectly crafted jigsaw puzzle and kept rearranging the pieces. You were the wild card I had to keep dealing with.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.

“I couldn’t quite contain you,” he said. “As you figured out, I was able to block Gus from seeing the truth about me—or any spirit. I was able to block the doctors from seeing what was wrong with him. But then
you
waltzed in, pulled their blindfolds off and got Gus back on his feet. Thankfully, you weren’t there today. And by the end of this evening, he’ll be dead, your mind will have snapped with grief and I’ll have the toad bone.”

Chapter 51

I
remembered what Aunt Tillie had said and shook my head. “You can’t take the toad bone. It has to be given. A willing sacrifice. What you’re doing now is outright coercion. It won’t stand up in any kind of Court, much less an Otherworldly one.”

Forrest narrowed his eyes. “You’ve been talking to your Aunt too much. She’s turning into a regular Chatty Cathy.”

“Have you met my Aunt Tillie? She’s the polar opposite of chatty.”

He snorted. “If she likes you Mouth-Breathers so much, she can stay here with you.”

Forrest snapped his fingers.

The eye sockets, on the skull we kept on the fireplace mantle, lit up.

“What did you just do?” I asked, panicked.

“You’ll find out.”

Aunt Tillie’s face appeared on Bertha’s skull, looking frightened and enraged.

“Stop that! It wasn’t her fault! I compelled her to talk! But she didn’t tell me anywhere near as much as you think she did!”

We had worked so hard to cross Aunt Tillie over, I didn’t want her to be stuck here again. Not to mention, she got a little homicidal when she got cranky.

“To truly hide something, cast no shadow. Instead, your Aunt Tillie cast one big mucking shadow around
me
and then pointed arrows at it. I’m not a very forgiving deity.”

“How do you even have dominion over her? I thought she was in the Summerlands.” I said.

I was guessing at the last part because really, I had no idea how the balance of Aunt Tillie’s soul had played out once she crossed over.

He shrugged. “She interfered in my business. Which makes her subject to
my
punishment. We have rules and laws, just as you do. And she violated them.”

No wonder Aunt Tillie hadn’t been keen on talking to me. The last person you’d want to cross, if you were dead, was the Devil. Especially if it gave him permission to mete out your punishment.

I looked at Aunt Tillie and mouthed
“I’m sorry.”

She didn’t look like she was going to be forgiving me any time soon.

“So the rat…
is
J.J.?” Gus asked, coughing, as he climbed up on the armchair.

Forrest snorted. “Stupid kid. I thought enough time had passed for me to reappear in this guise. For a kid with three brain cells left, who’d have thought he’d be that familiar with that picture?”

Gus shrugged. “Good thing… he’s a rat. He’d be pissed… about us… burning his pot plants.”

Forrest laughed. “I do so enjoy my time with the two of you. I’ll make sure you’re situated in my entourage, in the Underworld.”

I suppressed a grimace and tried to change the subject. “What were you even doing here back then?” I asked. “Was there a reason you were hanging out in the mortal realm?”

“That would be Eleanor.” Forrest paused, his smile widening. “You wouldn’t know it to look at her progeny, but Eleanor was heartstoppingly beautiful. Smart, funny, adventurous. She was wasted on Jarvis.”

“J.J.’s great-great-grandfather?” I asked.

Forrest nodded. “You humans have such pitifully short lives. I offered her eternity. I offered to make her my queen.”

“But she wanted Jarvis?”

“She wanted off-spring and the not-so-wonderful joys of growing old. She wanted a family. Even if it was with a carousing drunkard. She said he made her laugh.”

“She turned down the Devil? What did you do?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I could never deny her anything. I let her have what she wanted. And once she was past child-bearing age,” his face grew hard, “I turned that son-of-a-bitch into a tree. In the end, she lost us both. And she was able to experience every single joy of growing old, all by herself.”

“That was you?!” I asked. “I thought that was my cottage.”

He turned and looked at me. “It’s
my
cottage. This entire town is an homage to
me
. Hell and damnation, girl, look at the name. Devil’s Point. You are allowed to live here by my grace. Cross me, and you will make lovely shrubbery.”

“I thought it was named Devil’s Point after a rock formation that looked like a pitchfork.”

“Exactly. And guess who you have to thank for that? Now, about that bone…”

“I’m not… giving it up… to you,” Gus said. “I’ll destroy it… first.”

“It’s time to put an end to this.” Forrest said. “Whether you’re alive or dead, I will get that bone. Even if it’s from a confused morgue attendant.”

He squeezed his fist and Gus fell back onto the floor, screaming with pain.

“This is so stupid! Gus, you can’t keep the bone. He’ll straight up kill you.” I yelled.

“He. Can. Try.” Gus spit out.

I rolled my eyes. “He’s the
Devil
. He can do more than try.” I turned to Forrest. “Look, you of all people—or entities—should know how stubborn Gus gets. He absolutely will destroy the bone before he gives it to you. Can’t we figure out some kind of compromise?”

Forrest eased up on Gus. “A barter? Is that what you’re proposing?”

In the skull, Aunt Tillie’s eyes flared and it looked like she was about to say something, but Forrest dipped his fingers in a sewing motion, and little lines appeared across her mouth, as if someone had sewn it shut.

“I don’t know what I’m proposing,” I said. “Personally, I don’t care what happens to the bone, I just know I want Gus to stay alive.”

Forrest thought about it. “Maybe there
is
something we could work out.”

“No,” Gus said, and then promptly screamed. Sweat started pouring off his forehead, and he panted with pain.

“If I hear the word ‘no’ from you again, I will turn your liver into pate,” Forrest snapped.

“I’ll give the bone to Mara before I’ll give it to a backstabbing ass-hat like you,” Gus ground out.

Forrest gave a sly, evil grin. “I accept your deal.” 

Chapter 52

“W
hat?! Wait. What?” I asked.

“If it’s all right with the lady, of course.” Forrest inclined his head towards me.

“Back that truck up, buddy,” I said. “What
deal
?”

“Obviously, I can’t trust Gus with the power in that particular bone. I’m sure your Aunt told you why. But you… you don’t have quite the same ambitions he does. I will allow you to be Switzerland and hold the bone. If you’re willing.”

I looked at Gus, groaning on the floor, holding his mid-section. His eyes rolled back as he went in and out of consciousness.

“So, all I’m doing is holding it?”

“Yes,” Forrest said.

“And you’ll let Gus go?”

“Absolutely.”

“Not good enough.”

“Excuse me?” Forrest asked, looking distinctly chilly.

“I have a rat upstairs, who should be human. I have a roommate who’s having his organs pulverized. I have an Aunt who’s being tormented. I have a tree who used to be a man. I have a baby on the way and no income. I need all of that fixed. And I don’t mean by taking away the baby.”

“I’m not a savage,” Forrest said, clearly offended.

“That’s a matter of opinion.” I glanced at Gus, whose breathing was shallow and labored.

“Let the negotiations begin,” Forrest laughed. “I underestimated you. This is going to be fun.”

“For you, maybe. Where do you want to start?”

“You really don’t want me putting Jarvis back in his old body. It would turn into a pile of dust and ash.”

“You’re the Devil. Magick him up a new body.”

“Mara, don’t you understand? Jarvis has been a tree for a hell of a lot longer than he ever was a man. He wouldn’t know what to do as a man anymore. His identity is tree. His soul is
tree
. He’d probably try to stand in buckets of water and dirt, and take root. And what about his family? Do you know the chaos it would cause for Jarvis to not only come back from the dead, but come back acting like a tree?”