Something Found (3 page)

She poked around for a bit before she hopped back down holding the coffee beans and the coffee pot. Collin was old fashioned in some ways, but not about his coffee. She was surprised on her first visit to find he had a coffee grinder. “Really?” Emily stopped what she was doing to give Collin her full attention. It was the first time he’d ever really opened up about his job, though she’d gotten the impression a long time ago that he wasn’t really happy with it.

“Yeah. Oh there are parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind keeping the books and I don’t mind talking to customers. I just don’t like selling to customers. I don’t have the salesman personality.”

“Do you ever think about doing something else?” She asked it absently as she moved to pour the beans out, but she was focused on his answer.

“Sometimes. Sometimes I think about buying houses and fixing them up, or buying an old cottage out away from the city. I like working with my hands. It gives me more of a sense of accomplishment.”

“On lots of land so we could have animals,” she said half dreamily, half joking.

“Yeah,” Collin agreed.

“Maybe we could.” She kept her back to him, knowing she would scare him off the subject if she were too serious about it. Also not sure it was a subject she actually wanted to talk about herself.

“Maybe.” The smile faded from Collin’s face and she could hear it in his voice. It obviously wasn’t a dream he was ready to seriously consider and that was fine with her. “But for now this place could use some work of its own. I’ll see if I’m any good at it.”

“How old would you say it is?” It still amazed Emily to be around so many buildings with so much history. Most of the homes she’d lived in hadn’t been more than thirty years old, if that.

“I’d guess at least a hundred years old.” Collin’s smile returned when Emily seemed suitably impressed.

“It’s got a nice feel to it, doesn’t it?” she said, her eyes still roaming the room, taking it all in.

“Yeah, it does. But you never know, it might be haunted.” The twinkle was back in his eyes. “Better be nice to your Irish husband or the ghosts of Irish husbands past might get you.”

Emily watched as Collin headed out the door, sensing his lack of enthusiasm. She’d gotten up, still in her pajamas, to sit and have coffee with him. But after he left she contemplated going back to bed. The house felt empty without him.

They’d spent the day before picking up knickknacks and fixing the place up. Emily had strategically placed blankets and candles around the house making it more cozy. They bought shelves for the bathroom, which Collin had already installed, and a new end table for the sitting room. But these were all just things and despite putting on a brave face the day before Emily knew it would take time not material objects to make the place feel like home.

“I belong here,” Emily tried the words out to see how they sounded. But just the view through the sliding glass door seemed to mock her. Even the plants in her back garden were different, some unrecognizable. “I chose this,” she said with more determination. “I want this.” But she wasn’t sure who that I was. Inside she felt hollow. She was waiting to see what new person would inhabit her body. Who would the person who was comfortable with all these things be?

To fight off the loneliness she headed upstairs and sat on the bed. She could still smell Collin’s presence in the room. She could picture his sleepy face as he put on his nice pants and shirt for work. And for a minute she felt more grounded. She knew who she was to Collin. She was the woman he loved.

“But how long will he love you if you don’t get your shit together?”

Emily pulled the comforter, which Collin had said was actually called a duvet, over her and looked around feeling bewildered. She liked the nice simple lines of the place, the wooden floors, and the wooden shelves and dresser. The curtains and the bed coverings were all white. It made the place feel like a beach house. It had a peaceful air to it, but something wasn’t quite right.

Without intending to she stood and started rummaging through the pile of clothes that had accumulated on the floor. She was half way through sorting the darks from the lights when she realized what she was doing. She was cleaning. It was an old ritual she couldn’t shake. Something she’d started as a child. Whenever they moved she spent the whole first day unpacking her things and putting them exactly where she wanted them, giving everything a place. She couldn’t relax until she was done. It made her feel more settled and secure. After Jeremy died she started cleaning on a more and more regular basis. As if by putting everything where it belonged she might not notice the biggest thing missing.

“Here we go again,” she said with amusement. She’d learned to have a sense of humor about it.

The task became enjoyable once she was committed to it. She turned on the little stereo in the bedroom and started singing her way through it. She folded clothes that were still clean, putting them away lovingly. The rest she tossed into one of the two growing piles. She went through an unpacked suitcase of hers containing her favorite books and cds placing them on the shelves Collin had left empty for her, along with the few other essentials she hadn’t been able to leave behind. Soon everything but the bed and the laundry were organized and Emily felt satisfaction ease its way into her.

But when it came to actually washing the clothes the enjoyment faded. Again she was faced with how different things were. Emily bundled everything up and carried them downstairs to the kitchen. Then she stared at their little washer-and-dryer-in-one knowing it would only hold about half of what she was used to.

“Shit.” The word slipped out, surprising her. But she liked the sound of it.

“This sucks,” she reiterated her annoyance with more feeling.

With determined aggravated movements she rifled through the pile deciding on the most needed things and chucking them in. She pressed the on button and waited for something to happen. But it didn’t. She turned it off then pressed the on button again. Nothing. She repeated this a couple more times including a couple of whacks to the machine that only hurt her knuckles. Then eventually she started turning dials and pressing more buttons until she finally heard a slow trickle of water making its way into the machine.

She sat on her kitchen floor dumbfounded. This was nothing like the huge washing machines she was used to that could hold pretty much anything you wanted to put into them. When they were switched on they almost instantly flooded with water inspiring confidence in the whole washing process. This machine chugged along for a little while and then stopped as if it were already tired. Then it slowly spun the clothes a little more.

Emily headed back upstairs feeling her annoyance intensify. Things weren’t right. They weren’t necessarily wrong, but they weren’t right. And she was tired of being calm and peaceful about it. She didn’t feel like taking things in stride. She was pissed off and there was no one around she had to hide it from. She thundered up the stairs looking for something else to take her aggression out on.

The unmade bed became her next victim. At five foot one their queen size bed was not an easy task for her. But she threw her whole body into it, attacking it with fervor, and swearing louder and louder as she went.

“God damn fucking covers,” she let the words tumble out over each other knowing the bed had nothing to do with her anger.

“Stupid country! Nothing in this fecking place makes any sense,” she all but yelled as her eyes narrowed and she looked for her next task. She had switched to the Irish form of swearing without even noticing.

As she cleaned she began a mumbling mantra of anger. She condemned the bedroom, the house, the hallway, and the kitchen as she moved through them with vacuum cleaner, then broom, then mop. She cursed Collin for falling in love with her and herself for thinking she deserved him. Each room she entered was scrubbed and dusted and stripped of any dirt. It was the only thing she could fight against, the only way she could let out all her newly emerging anger.

“All I ever wanted was a place to fit in, a place to call home. That’s all I ever wanted! I finally get a chance to start all over and she takes that away too!!”

As soon as the words were out the anger drained from her. Instead a look of shock, something she would have found comical were she someone else, came over her. Her mouth hung open and her eyes went wide, her limbs became paralyzed in mid -movement. She hadn’t even realized why she was so angry.

Again Emily pictured her mother’s face the day after the wedding, the sadness and the regret seemed more prominent. It was the same look her mother had worn the day she dropped Emily off at college. It clearly showed she knew she’d made mistakes and had lost the time to make amends for them.

A lump came to Emily’s throat and she fought to keep the tears at bay. “Why now? All I wanted was a clean break. Did she have to ruin that too?”

Emily slumped down onto her newly cleaned kitchen floor. She leaned against the cupboards pulling her knees to her chest and she felt like the last fifteen years of her life hadn’t happened. She was a child again crying over the same things she’d always cried about. Why had her father left her and why didn’t her mother love her.

But her mother did love her and that was almost as upsetting. She wanted a new life, a new start. She wanted everything from her past to go away. But then again some stubborn part of her didn’t want that at all.

“I can’t do this,” she mumbled into her arms. “I can’t do this.”

The tears started then and the frustration that had been intensifying all day finally found release.

“Emily?”

For a minute she thought she was hearing things. She sat up, surprised to find she’d actually fallen asleep on the kitchen floor.

“Emily.”

She wiped at her eyes then looked up afraid of what she’d find only to have her fears confirmed. Of all the people to walk in on her in this state Collin’s sister represented the worst-case scenario.

“I’m sorry. Collin gave me a key to the house. I made scones and thought I’d drop some down. When you didn’t answer . . .”

Emily’s head turned from left to right and back again taking in the situation as Joni stepped further into the kitchen.

“The place looks great. You must’ve been cleaning all morning.”

“Yeah,” Emily agreed hesitantly. Already she felt the awkwardness becoming something palpable.

“I tried to tidy it up for the most part while you were away. But -.”

“Oh, you did. I mean it was. I mean thank you. It’s just something I do, to settle in you know.” As much as Emily strived for a level of competence around Joni she always felt she was falling short and that it was noticed and noted.

“Why don’t I make us a nice cup of tea? You could probably use it.” Without being told where anything was Joni made her way around the kitchen, pulling out mugs and tea bags and putting on the kettle. She kept her back pointedly to Emily giving her time to pull herself together.

“I’m sorry-,” Emily started to apologize as she rose and made her way towards the table.

“Hush,” Joni said gently with her back still to Emily. Then in a purely conversational tone she added, “You must be a little overwhelmed right now what with all the changes you’re adjusting to.”

“I must seem. . . .”

“You’re grand,” Joni cut in.

But Emily was aware of the tear stains that were still on her face. She sat down awkwardly and waited to be served in her own kitchen.

“It’s not often I get a day like you’ve had, when the kids and Robert are out of the way and I can get everything organized. And if Robert does take them away on a Saturday afternoon he acts like he’s done me a huge favor.”

“I can’t imagine.” Emily struggled for the same casual tone Joni was using.

“No,” Joni agreed a little too quickly for Emily’s liking. “And you won’t have to, not for a while anyway. And when you do eventually have kids you’ll have Collin. He’s a big help. Not the type to shirk responsibilities.”

“I know,” Emily agreed. But as she felt normality returning she found herself resenting the way Joni was pointing these things out to her.

Joni joined her at the table sitting across from her. They both added milk and sugar to their tea and the silence of the moment lingered.

“It was nice of you to buy the groceries for us,” Emily said, searching for conversation.

Joni’s eyebrows drew together.

“The shopping,” Emily corrected herself.

“Oh. It was nothing. Collin would’ve done the same for me.”

Emily nodded. It was the brusque tone she realized that bothered her. She talked about Collin as if he belonged to her. And she moved around the house as if that too were hers.

“Have you talked to your family yet? You must miss them already,” Joni said, taking a sip of her tea.

Emily practically winced and hoped it wasn’t noticed. “Not yet. I just haven’t had a chance.”

Joni put the mug down and her eyes seemed to penetrate into Emily’s thoughts. “Oh. I see.”

“I mean I just wanted to get a little more settled in before I called.”

Joni’s expression warmed and Emily was surprised by the effect it had on her. “Of course,” she said with understanding. “You want to sound relaxed and happy when you call, so they don’t worry about you.”