Something to Believe In (The Renegade Saints Book 4) (17 page)

I wanted to hug her, but I knew from experience it wouldn’t work. The second we touched I would wake up. The one and only time she’d been able to touch me since she died had been the night I overdosed. She told me later the only reason she’d been able to was because I’d been in between the two worlds of the living and the dead.

“Someday,” she smiled. “And on that day, it’ll be the biggest bear hug you’ve ever given. I won’t let you go for an hour.”

The prickle of tears in my eyes stung, and I sniffled to get myself under control. These meetings came with less and less frequency as the years went by. Most people told me they were just dreams.

I knew better.

“Where have you been?” I asked. “I was starting to think you were never coming back.”

“Tyson,” she scolded, “you know good and well I’m always around. It’s just—”

“Just what?”

“You can’t use me as a crutch and when I came too often, you did. Life is for living. I’m dead and you’re alive. Our worlds aren’t exactly aligned.”

It would never hurt any less. Never. Every time I thought of her, of them, being dead, it shattered another little piece of me.

“Why now?” I asked.

She reached out to poke my side but quickly yanked her hand back before she connected. “Sorry,” she said with a soft chuckle. “I almost forgot.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat as I looked around. Everything in front of me was just the same as I remembered it. I couldn’t bear to turn around to see if what was behind me was, too.

“I came because you need me,” she said.

“If you came when I needed you,” I argued, “I’d see you all of the time.”

“No, you’d see me all the time if I came when you wanted to see me. You don’t need to, Tyson. Not anymore. Not really.”

“How can you say that?” I asked incredulously.

“Because it’s true,” she answered firmly. “And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m proud of how far you’ve come and all the things you’ve done. We all are. You’re living, and that’s all any of us have ever wanted.”

God, it fucking hurt to hear that. Every time she said it, I wanted to crumble. The reminder that I was living and they weren’t carried the weight of the world with it.

“You attach that weight,” she murmured. “All of us are happy for you. We want you to live a long and happy life. Every time you feel guilty, you need to stop and realize the guilt is all in your mind. No one here feels that way. Not even for a second.”

Sometimes the most difficult part of seeing her in my dreams was that she could read my mind. There were no secrets.

“Are they… are they here with you right now?”

She smiled brightly and nodded. “Of course! We were listening to Jaco Pastorius and dancing when I felt you coming my way.”

Her words created a vision in my head of exactly what that looked like, and I smiled.

“There!” she squeaked.

My heart rate kicked up as I turned to her in confusion. Was someone coming?

“There what?”

“You smiled,” she answered. “A real honest to God smile. You’re as happy as I’ve seen you since we left.”

Her words took away my smile. “You didn’t leave, you—”

“You’re being a pain in the butt,” she interrupted. “The point is you’re happy and that happiness brings us joy. Don’t get derailed by negativity.”

I breathed deeply and exhaled before nodding.

“I like her a whole lot,” she said.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think she likes No Doubt very much,” she giggled, “but other than that, she’s super cool.”

Her words made me laugh. “Only you would care if someone likes Gwen and the guys.”

She looked over my shoulder and sighed. “Time’s almost up so we have to talk fast. You know why you needed me tonight?”

I nodded. It was because I’d been having a freak-out about Daisy and not feeling like I was man enough for her.

“You have to talk to her,” she said firmly. “Don’t push it down and don’t hide it. You know that won’t work. For this to work you need to face things head on. Tell her why you’re afraid. Open yourself up and let it all out. Only light can banish the darkness.”

Things were starting to get a little crinkly around the edges and the lapping of the waves was picking up speed. I knew I was seconds away from waking up.

“Please don’t wait so long to come see me again,” I pleaded as I got up.

As she stood, she picked up her towel and began shaking it out. “I think I’ll see you soon,” she said happily.

I was glad to hear it.

Turning, she began walking away. For some reason I turned to watch as she did. It was the first time I ever had. My breath lodged in my throat as the house came into view. The hunter green shutters stood out against the white siding and the American flag hanging at the corner of the deck waved in the breeze. It all looked the same. The sight overwhelmed me and I started to turn away, only to spin around again when I heard a sound.

He stood just outside the sliding glass door with a baby in his arms and he was tap-tapping a rhythm affectionately against her back as he rocked back and forth. I knew it was a little girl because her outfit was yellow with little flowers and a series of ruffles across her bottom. I shook my head in confusion, wondering who she was.

Just as quickly, I lost the question when I saw a curly head appear at his side. My heart squeezed painfully as I stared at the little boy. I looked between the boy and the man, drinking in as much of them as I could. They both smiled as I stared up at them. And then, the man raised one of his hands from the baby’s back and waved. I smiled when I saw the word bass on his shirt just under her feet and I realized he was wearing his I Like it With Bass T-shirt. I raised my hand in return and stepped forward to say something, but before I could, everything faded away.

I
awoke to the scents of fresh coffee and bacon. I yawned as I sat up and stretched my arms out. The sound of a male groan had my eyes flying open. I blushed furiously as I realized several things all at once. First, I wasn’t in my room. Second, Tyson was standing next to the bed watching me wolfishly. This was because I was naked and had showcased my boobs when I stretched. Grabbing the sheet, I yanked it up as I let out a squeak. I didn’t have a stitch on, but he was wearing jeans and a pair of gray sweatpants.

“Don’t cover up on my account,” he laughed as he bent over and brushed a kiss across my lips. “As far as I’m concerned, you can burn everything that could be used to cover you when we’re alone together.”

I giggled as the tension melted away. “Just when we’re alone?” I asked.

“Fuck if I’d let anyone else look at you naked,” he said gruffly.

I beamed at him as he turned away and busied himself with what I realized was a room service cart. That explained the smell of bacon and coffee. My eyes widened as I realized there were actually three carts lined up one after the other. Clearly, he’d ordered a lot of food.

“You want coffee, tea, orange juice or milk?” he asked over his shoulder.

“Half milk, half coffee with three sugars.”

“You’re very particular,” he jested.

Dropping the sheet, I got out of the bed to go stand next to him. Taking the coffee when he was finished, I took a sip and let out a sigh of pleasure.

“You did good, handsome.”

I took another quick sip before setting the mug down and gesturing with my head to the closet.

“You mind if I grab a T-shirt to wear? I also need to brush my teeth and take a shower. Actually, maybe I should go back to my—
”

“You aren’t going anywhere without me today, Freckles,” he laughed. “For now throw on a shirt and get over here to eat. Once that’s done you can take a shower here, use my toothbrush and even use my face as a seat if you want. When you’re all ready to go, we’ll go to your room and grab some clothes.”

I sputtered stupidly for a few seconds before I burst out laughing. “What is wrong with you? Why would I use your face for a seat?” I teased.

He shrugged innocently. “What? Don’t act like you weren’t thinking you wanted to sit on my face. I saw you eying up my stubble.”

I was still laughing as I walked into the closet and pulled a T-shirt off a hanger. When I came out I saw he was loading up a plate with food and I held up my finger. “Give me two minutes,” I called as I headed into the bathroom.

I grimaced when I saw myself in the bathroom mirror because my hair was a poofy mess. I damn near danced a jig when I realized Ty had a real live hairbrush on the vanity. Every other guy I’d been with had relied on combs, but Ty had a really great brush that got out all my tangles. After using the toilet and washing my hands and face, I headed back into the bedroom.

Tyson was reclined on the bed with a heaping plate of food. Gesturing to the room service carts he said, “Grab a plate and load up. I pretty much ordered everything.”

A glance at the clock showed that it was after eleven in the morning. I knew for a fact the hotel stopped serving breakfast at ten sharp. Raising an eyebrow, I turned back to him and grinned. “Perks of being a rock star,” I laughed. “If Joe Regular called down there, they wouldn’t be getting anything that looked like breakfast after ten in the morning.”

His hair fell into his eyes when he shrugged. “I have to admit, it’s a pretty fuckin’ rad perk. I could eat breakfast any time of the day. If I’ve got some eggs benedict, some bacon and a serving of hash browns, I’m good to go.”

I was an eggs benedict lover as well so that was the first thing I put on my plate. Next I drizzled syrup over a fabulous looking waffle then added a piece of sausage and two pieces of bacon. I climbed on to the bed next to Ty, laughing when I saw he’d made us pillow tables for our plates.

“This gives a whole new meaning to breakfast in bed.”

He chortled as he took a bite of his hash browns. We spent the next few minutes eating our food. We critiqued the benedict—three out of five stars, we agreed—then talked about how good the crispy bacon was. Mostly we just chatted about world events and general stuff and enjoyed our food and our coffee. When we were both full, he stood up and took both of our plates over to the service carts.

“In the future I’ll know to order what we had today,” he noted. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted so I went a little crazy.”

I shook my head as I gestured to the carts. “A little? That’s a lot. I feel bad wasting so much food, but I can’t eat another bite.”

Ty laughed as he rose from the bed. “I promise I won’t make a habit of it,” he assured me.

We worked together to push the three carts out to the living room, him taking two and me rolling one. Since I wasn’t wearing anything but his tee, he shut me down when I tried to roll the cart I’d been in charge of out into the hall.

“No one’s setting eyes on you while you’re not wearing underwear,” he growled.

“I don’t think anyone would notice or care,” I laughed. “It’s not like I’ve got a sign on my chest that says I’m nude under the shirt.”

“You might as well,” he answered. “All I’ve been able to think about for the last half hour is getting that shirt back off of you so we can burn off breakfast.”

My face got hot as a dozen different scenarios for how we could burn calories came to mind. I bit my lip and considered him as I tried to control my urge to climb him like a jungle gym.

“You’re fuckin’ killing me, Freckles. Now I have to wheel this thing out sporting wood. Let’s just hope no one sees how big of a tent I’m pitching right now.”

Of course his words made me look down and I gasped when I realized he wasn’t joking. Sure enough he was so hard his sweatpants were tented. I laughed as I stepped back and let him wheel the cart out. After closing the door behind him and without any warning of his intentions, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

“Tyson!”

His booming laughter was the only response. When we got back into the bedroom, he stood me up next to the bed, pulled my shirt off and told me to sit on the bed. Standing up straight, he began taking his clothes off.