Somewhere Only We Know ....... (20 page)

The worst thing was if we accidentally
touched. It was like I was electrocuted, for ages after I would
feel his touch on my arm or my leg. The whole thing was out of
control. The sleepless nights continued and the times when I did
fall asleep he haunted my dreams.

I would look
for him in a room and when we saw each other our eyes would lock
and it would take all my strength to tear my eyes away. If anyone
noticed they didn
’
t say
anything. There was nothing to see, just a silly middle aged woman
mooning about a teenager and a young lad who maybe had a crush on
his friend
’
s mam.

Of course
Bethany had a crush on him. He was all she talked about. Ben this
and Ben that. I snapped at her one day and said why
couldn
’
t she think of poor
Liam when she talked about Ben all the time. I
wasn
’
t overly bothered about
Liam
’
s feelings, I just
couldn
’
t cope with having
Ben from all angles.

Karen came for drinks one night, we were
half way down our second bottle of wine when Thomas, Ben and
another friend Dean came in. Karen took one look at Ben and went
into full force flirting mode. At first I thought it was funny, he
flirted back and Karen even had the decency to blush. But after a
while it started to wear thin and I realised I was jealous. Karen
was younger than me, prettier than me and had bags more confidence
than me. I was once again on the outside looking in.

I made an
excuse to go into the kitchen. Taking another bottle of white wine
out of the fridge I leant against the bench and took some deep
breaths. I sensed him before I saw him, he had followed me
in.
“
I really want to kiss
you
”
he whispered into my
ear. I heard him take a

bag
of
crisps out of the cupboard and then he
left. When I returned into the living room Karen was holding court,
telling the lads about her latest weird date with someone she had
met on an internet dating site. As I sat down Ben caught my eye.
Once again our eyes locked.

My jealousy
went crawling back into whatever hole it had come out of and a hot
flush spread through my body. I was in big big trouble.

For the next
few months thing carried on much the same. Ben came to the house,
we went for walks and talked. We
didn
’
t talk about anything
important, just general stuff. He had my mobile number and would
drop me the odd text, usually asking what time I would be taking
Jasper out, sometimes he would text asking me to pick him up from
somewhere or another. Of course I always went. I liked
him.

On
Thomas
’
s open evening at
school, we walked slap bang into Ben with his mam, dad and baby
sisters. I made a huge fuss of the twins, Lily and Poppy, anything
to distract me to the fact that Ben was standing in front of me in
his school uniform with his parents. The worst of it was that even
in his uniform, I fancied the pants off him. What the hell was
happening here?

More
sleepless nights followed. I needed to stop this now before I got
into trouble, if not with the authorities then with
Ben
’
s parents. I would have
been furious if one of Thomas
’
s mate’s mam
’
s
started having a thing with him.

So for the
next few days I pretended I had a cold and
wouldn
’
t go out and walk
Jasper. I even took to my bed early so it looked more authentic.
When Ben text me to say he hoped I was feeling better, I gave up. I
text him back saying yes I was and hoped to see him soon. I
didn
’
t know how to stop it
and to be honest the thought of not seeing him filled me with
fear.

On our next
walk it was Ben who took the bull by the horns. He said
“
I meant what I said in the kitchen
you know
”
. The kiss
thing.
“
Ben,
I
’
m probably older than your
mam, why would you want to kiss me?
”
“
It is nothing to do with age
Caroline, it’s about how I feel about you. This feels right
doesn
’
t
it?
”
he replied. What a
grown up answer I thought.
“
I don
’
t know Ben, I
think that you have a crush and I think I am flattered. I think it
is a simple as that
”
. I
didn
’
t know what else to
say.
“
So if I was 30 this
wouldn
’
t be a problem would
it? We would be perfect together
wouldn
‘
t
we?
”
“
Yes we
would. We would be perfect.
”

We would???
Yes we would!! I thought to myself. When Ben was about I felt
complete. For the first time in my life I felt whole, I
wasn
’
t scared or lonely.
When he wasn
’
t about I was
lost. I felt like I had been waiting for him all of my life. He
wasn
’
t 30 though and it was
just so wrong.

Karen had
been dating the wrong men since her and Dave had divorced. She had
tried internet dating, speed dating, blind dates, as beautiful and
kind and funny as she was she just seemed to attract idiots. She
had had a couple of serious boyfriends, but one turned out to be
married and the other was a serial internet dater. They
hadn
’
t broken her heart, but
it had pissed her off.

The night
she informed us she was going to be Scarlett, we were having one of
our regular Friday night drinks. There were another couple of
friends there as well and we hooted when she told us her
intentions. Never thinking for one minute that she was serious, we
were gob smacked when she whipped out her driving licence bearing
the name Scarlett Brown. She had done it, she had changed her name
by deed poll.
“
Why
Scarlett
”
I asked
her.
“
Scarlett
O
’
Hara, why
else
”
. Her favourite pick me
up film was Gone with the Wind and obviously Scarlett was her
heroine.
“
Frankly, my dear,
I think it
’
s a hilarious
idea
”
I laughed.

For the rest
of the night we laughed and joked about it with Scarlett. We
created a new profile on an internet dating site that promised a
more exclusive and up market service. Uploading her photograph, we
were shocked and thrilled when she started to receive little hearts
and bunches of flowers from prospective suitors who claimed to be
solicitors, doctors and policeman. She was delighted, her usual
followers were often builder and plumbers and blokes in between
jobs. Scarlett was going to be a hit.

As I made my
way home, Jasper came bounding up to me. Thinking it was Thomas I
hurried along to meet him. It wasn
’
t Thomas though it was Ben.
“
Good night??
”
Ben asked.
“
Yes it was fun
”
, I
then went on to tell him about
Karen
’
s name change.
“
Charlotte
won
’
t be happy about that,
she thinks her mam already has problems with blokes and hates her
doing the internet thing
”
.
“
It
’
s just a bit of
fun Ben, and she is far too lovely to be sitting in the house night
after night. Charlotte is growing up and will be off to uni soon
then Karen will be on her own. You
can
’
t blame her for wanting
a bit of fun
”
.
“
Is that what
you
’
ll do Caroline? When
James leaves school and you have more time on your hands, will you
go out dating men?
”
Ben
asked.
“
That
’
s a long way
off
”
I laughed.
“
And I
haven
’
t got half as much
confidence in myself as Karen has!!!.

We had
reached the back door.
“
I
’
m staying at yours
tonight. My Nan is at mine looking after the twins and we wind each
other up, so if it
’
s ok with
you I
’
ll stay the
night.
”
This was a first. He
had never stayed over before. Loads of
Thomas
’
s friends stayed, but
Ben never.

Upstairs in
my bedroom, I was very conscious that Ben was there. Another night
of tossing and turning followed. What was I going to do about all
of this? As dawn approached and still I
hadn
’
t slept I was no nearer
an answer. Maybe it will sort itself out, I will just have to
distance myself from him.

When I
pulled open the living room curtains, something touched my leg. It
was Ben. He had slept on the settee. I
couldn
’
t look at him and I
didn
’
t speak, I just
pretended it didn
’
t happen.
Making myself a coffee in the kitchen, my leg continued to burn
where he had touched it. This needed some serious
distancing.

So
that
’
s what I did. One of
the newly divorced engineers at work was looking for someone to go
to his Mess Ball at the TA. I volunteered. Much to
everyone
’
s surprise. I
didn
’
t really want to go but
it was a step away from Ben, but I felt that everyone could see
straight through me and I was embarrassed. I tried to cover it up
saying it had been a long time since I had done the ball gown
thing.

Neil was
chuffed he had got him
self a date and for
the next couple of weeks I busied myself around finding the right
dress, shoes and crash dieting. On the night of the ball Ben
arrived at our house just as I was leaving. I
hadn
’
t seen much of him over
the previous weeks, I had dragged Karen/Scarlett out on dog walks
saying I needed her encouragement to power walk. If Ben had been in
the house I had made myself scarce and if he texted me I would just
send him one word answers. I was a cow. Seeing him as I was leaving
made my stomach sink. The look on his face as Neil picked me up in
a taxi was heartbreaking. It took all the strength I had not to
tell Neil I wasn
’
t feeling
well and turnaround and go back inside. But I
didn
’
t, I got into the taxi
smiling.

The night
was a success, well for everyone else it was. Neil was attentive
and nice, making sure I was having a good time and introducing to
all his TA friends. But he wasn
’
t who I wanted to be with. I found him boring which
surprised me, after all he was mature and clever and much more my
peer than Ben ever would be. Nevertheless I found myself clock
watching, urging the night to be over.

Neil dropped
me off, if he thought he would be getting invited in he
didn
’
t say, I pecked him on
the cheek and jumped out, thanking him for a lovely night. He
shouted
“
hope we can do it
again sometime?
”
“
I
’
m sure we
will
”
I replied opening the
back door. But I knew I wouldn
’
t.

I had
expected to see Ben when I got home, but there was no sign of him.
There was no sign of him over the following weeks. It took me a
boat load of will-power not to text him. When I
couldn
’
t stand it a minute
longer I asked Thomas.
“
Is
Ben ok? Haven
’
t seen much of
him this week!
”
. “Argh he is
seeing Emma Cummings, spending all his time at her
house
”
. I wanted the floor
to open and swallow me up. I was devastated.

I had hurt him, he was hurting me right
back. The whole situation was ridiculous and I needed to give
myself a big shake.

I
didn
’
t see anything of him
for six weeks, well I did, I saw him in the village with his
girlfriend. She was tall and slim, with loads of dark hair. And she
was his age, something I would never be, I could be as tall and
slim and brunette as I wanted but I would never be a teenager
again. They looked happy.