Songbird (18 page)

I went to move but they stopped me, a brick wall made out of humans. Glancing up further, it wasn’t only fans there watching. A line of photographers were perched on the sand dune, all their lenses pointed right at me. I needed to get out of there, quickly.

The moment I stopped to pose for one photo, my chances of leaving would dwindle down to zero. I needed to be firm or I could drown. “Thanks so much for coming, but I really need to go now.”

The girls closest to me tried to move but the bodies pressed behind them wouldn’t allow it. My
mom gripped my shoulders behind me, unused to being suffocated by people. It was a good thing I was quite familiar with it.

“Everybody take a step back,” I directly loudly, making sure those at the back could hear. “I have to get to the venue for my concert tonight. I hope to see you all there.”

They weren’t going to move without some more encouragement. I put my head down and barreled through them, making a path for myself. When close enough, they eventually found room to move.

My
mother trailed behind, we were joined by my dad as we reached the car.

“What was that all about?” He asked.

“I’m sorry to cut our time short,” I apologized. It felt like that was all I did lately. We climbed into the car and didn’t waste any time before getting out of there. “I didn’t think they’d recognize me.”

“It’s okay, honey. The beach was a bit too hot anyway,”
Mom said. “We’ll have some nice lunch instead.”

Just like she promised, we found a quiet restaurant and chose a table at the very back where nobody could bother us again. We caught up with all the family gossip as they took inventory of every bite I ate. They didn’t think I noticed, but I did. I always did.

Mid-afternoon, I dropped them back at the hotel before my driver took me to my concert venue. It was the American Airlines Arena’s Waterfront Theatre, capacity roughly about twenty thousand. Not big, not small, just average. It matched my mood.

The band were already in the green room, enjoying the catering spread. Demi was pacing, running around speaking into her headset. Nobody seemed
to have missed me for the day.

I was guided to my dressing room, the one place that was supposed to be all mine. Only my styling team were allowed in, everyone else needed to be invited. Ryan buzzed at the door.

“Sound check in ten minutes,” he said before leaving just as quickly.

I looked around the room, fresh flowers were placed on the small table in the corner – daffodils, my
favorite. It wasn’t the season for them, someone went to a lot of trouble to be nice to me.

Sitting on the dressing table surrounded in light was a yellow envelope with my name handwritten on it. There was no postmark, someone had
personally placed it there for me. I picked it up, it wasn’t ticking, that was always a good sign.

The envelope was heavier than a letter, larger too. Whatever was inside had some substance. I turned it over, enjoying all the possibilities of what could be inside. I liked presents, who wouldn’t?

I slid open the end, careful not to rip the envelope. There were photographs inside, the thick card causing the additional weight to the small package. I turned them over, they fell out of my hand, and my scream carried all the way down the hall.

Chapter Nineteen

“
S
omebody get security, I want to know exactly how this got in here,” Demi ordered as people started scrambling in all different directions.

I locked my fingers together so everyone wouldn’t see them shaking. My legs were tenuous at best, I needed to sit down but my chair was all the way across the room. I would never make it.

The photos were flashing through my mind like a sick slideshow. Picture after picture, my face was crossed with red marker pen, on others my face was slashed down to the white card. The words
Die
and
Bitch
featured on most of them. I had obviously made an enemy somewhere along the line.

Demi thrust the photographs into the hands of two burly security guards. Giving them orders, they turned and left just as quickly as they had arrived.

“Everybody out,” she directed, herding people out like a shepherd. Only when we were alone did she close the door and I could finally take off my mask.

“Who would do that?” I asked, so quietly I wasn’t sure if she would be able to hear. She hurried back to my side. “Who would hate me so much?”

“It’s probably just a joke, you know what people are like. Some have a weird sense of humor.”

“You saw them, they weren’t joking. Someone had to have a lot of rage to do that.” My voice cracked on the last few words. My legs decided they really couldn’t keep me up. I slid to the floor, my back leaning against the wall. I cradled my head in my hands, wishing I could forget about the photos. It was like someone had burned the images into my eyelids, I saw them every time I closed my eyes.

If it was just the photos, I might have been able to handle it better. But that, on top of everything else, felt like the last straw. I burst into tears, unable to contain them anymore.

I felt rather than saw
Demi settle on the floor beside me. I wished there was nobody there to witness my meltdown. I could have done it alone. I might not have come out alive, but I could have done it.

“Brierly, talk to me,” she started. I didn’t want to say anything, I was worried if I started I might not stop. And there was a lot to hide from Demi and the rest of the world.

“There’s nothing to say,” I lied.

“Those photos don’t mean anything, we’re going to step up security so you are kept safe.”

My safety wasn’t my biggest concern. Although, I guess it really should have been pretty high on my priority list. It didn’t even occur to me before she said it.

“We won’t let anything happen to you. I promised your parents.”

“They don’t need to know about this, they shouldn’t be worried about it too,” I replied. I had been enough of a concern for my parents, they shouldn’t know I was receiving death threats too.

“I agree.”

We sat in silence for the longest time. I didn’t want to move from my spot and apparently Demi wasn’t going to unless I did first. Nobody dared to interrupt us, not even Ryan. He was probably stalking the corridors, holding my sound pack and pacing, growing more impatient by the minute.

He could wait, he would understand. Demi wouldn’t let him yell at me in my current state. And he did have a heart, he wasn’t as cold and bossy as everyone thought he was. His fourth wife could pr
obably attest to that, maybe not his first three though.

Just, those photos, they were so horrible. I hated the thought of someone loathing me so much that they would do that. It took effort to get photos of me printed, then having to deface them. It wasn’t something you’d do on a whim because you’re bored.

And how did they get into my dressing room? It was the most restricted area in the entire venue. Someone had managed to get inside. I hoped the security guards would figure it out. I prayed it wasn’t an inside job. Hopefully no-one on my team had cause to do it.

“Brierly, do you need anything?” Demi asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want some food? Some water?”

I shook my head, not sure what I wanted. I
needed
to get moving, to do my sound check and walk the stage. That was what I should be doing, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. It still refused to move.

“What’s wrong, Brierly? Do you want me to get Forest or something? Maybe he could help?”

I couldn’t keep the tears from sliding down my cheeks again. Forest was part of the problem, not the solution. It was time I came clean. “Forest and I are fighting, I don’t know if we’re still together or not.”

“Oh. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I took out something on him because I was angry at myself,” I confessed. “I completely overreacted and now he’s angry at me too.”

“Why were you angry at yourself?” Demi asked gently. She was treating me like a wild horse that could bolt at any time.
It was probably warranted.

“Because I wanted to make myself throw up yesterday.” The words lingered in the air, unable to be taken back. My heart pounded with being so exposed, so vulnerable. I didn’t like to admit I was weak and that is exactly what I was doing.

Her arm snaked around my shoulder, pulling me closer to her. I let Demi move me as she tried to comfort me. “What stopped you doing it?”

I would have laughed if under other circumstances. “Forest. I was on my way to the bathroom and he wanted to talk to me. That’s when we fought
some more.”

“If he wasn’t there, do you think you would have gone ahead with it?” That was the magic question, wasn’t it? I thought the answer was yes, I would like to
think it was no. In honesty, I wasn’t sure. If I got into the stall, crouched down and got my finger ready, would I have gone through with it?

“I don’t know,” I sighed.

“You know, it’s normal to think about it.” I sat up a little so I could look at her, unsure what she meant. “The doctor I spoke to when you hired me explained that it was normal. Your brain is conditioned to think a certain way, it will take a long time before those thoughts go away completely.”

“I shouldn’t have thought about it,” I countered. “It was wrong and if Forest wasn’t there-”

“You might have turned around and gone in the opposite direction,” Demi finished my sentence. “There’s no way to know. Either way, you didn’t do it and that’s the main thing.”

I didn’t quite agree but I didn’t have to argue with her about it. She hadn’t lived the past year like I had, Demi had come into the story afterward.

“You know, I’m here to talk about these things with,” she continued. “Having those kinds of thoughts and urges will only become a problem if you hide them. That’s when you know you’re sliding backwards again.”

She kind of had a point. I didn’t want people to know I had almost relapsed because I was ashamed of it. However, hiding it only made me look guiltier. And she was hired to look after me, and that included dealing with all the baggage I came with. I had hired her because I felt comfortable with her, if I couldn’t talk to Demi, then I couldn’t talk to anyone. I needed to start remembering that.

“Thanks, Demi. I know I don’t always say it, but I really do appreciate everything you do. I’m not the easiest person to be around sometimes.”

“Don’t mention it, I like to be around you. You are interesting to say the least.” She gave me a reassuring smile, trying to make me feel better. It was starting to work a little. Perhaps I would be able to get up off the floor soon.

A knock on the door interrupted us. I would have jumped up before being caught crying on the floor but I wasn’t feeling
that
much better.

Demi looked to me before replying. “Come in.”

Forest poked his head around the door. “I just heard about the death threat. Brierly, are you okay?”

Demi pulled herself to her feet. “I’ll go check in with Ryan. Call me if you need me, Brier.” She excused herself, closing the door behind her.

Forest crouched down in front of me. “Are you okay?”

“I think so,” I replied, wiping away the last of my tears. I had to be stronger, buck up so I didn’t let it all get to me. My mask was slipping.

He took my hands from my knees and held them in his own, absentmindedly caressing them with his thumbs. He didn’t have to say anything for me to know what he was feeling. Our fight didn’t matter anymore, there were bigger issues at hand. He knew it just as I did.

He
squeezed my hands and pulled them forward. I had no choice except to follow them, finding myself landing on his lap. I threw my arms around him, feeling his snake around my back. He held me there without saying a word as I let all the fear drain from my body.

Forest had been the one to stop me relapsing. He had been the one to make me feel alive again after so long. With him there, I felt safe. Nobody could hurt me for as long as I was in his arms.

I finally let him go so I could look into his eyes, his beautiful dark brown eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve been a little crazy. I shouldn’t have overreacted like that.”

“It’s okay.” He gave me a little grin. “I shouldn’t have been walking around naked in your hotel room. And I definitely shouldn’t have missed the set. You had every right to be a little crazy.”

“Let’s not be crazy anymore.”

He planted his lips on mine, instantly make my heart race. I was giddy by the time he released me. “Deal.”

He helped me to stand and held my hand while I tested my legs. They seemed to be fully functioning again. He accompanied me to sound check, ignoring all the looks cast our way along the corridors.

Relief washed over Ryan’s emotional face as he saw me. Like I predicted, he was holding onto my mike box. He wasted no time in attaching it.

Forest let me go long enough to take his place on stage. We ran through the first song and adjusted the sound as needed. As far as preparations went, the stage was all set. All I needed to do was dress and get myself ready.

As I walked through the corridors, ultra aware of Forest following two steps behind, I passed the faces of those in my tour team. To think one of them
might hate me enough to scare the hell out of me was horrible. I thought I treated everyone well, especially in our industry. I never yelled at anyone. Except Forest, and I highly doubted he would be the one making death threats against me.

I made it
back to my dressing room where my hair and makeup team were waiting for me. I let them do their magic and sat passively watching them. Could one of them be the person who hated me and wanted me dead? I didn’t like to think so, considering we worked so closely together, but they were just as likely as anyone else.

The reality was I couldn’t be sure who it was so I was going to have to be careful about my interactions. I didn’t want to find myself alone with the person who had scratched my face out of those photographs. They might decide to try out the real thing.

Demi waited with me until it was call time. She led the circle before we went on stage. By that leg of the tour, everything was running smoothly without barely a wrinkle in the show. I could do the routine backwards, with my eyes closed if I had to.

Still, it never got boring. With each night came a new crowd and another few thousand people that were watching with new eyes. I had to entertain them like it was my first night and I tried to do my best.

When the house lights came up so I could see where I was going down the long platform in the center, I spotted my parents for the first time. Demi had said they were sticking around for the concert but it had slipped my mind in all the commotion. I waved at them and they returned it happily, clapping along to the band.

At least they got to see me in my element, in a place where I was strong and confident. When I was on stage, there was no eating disorder, no mental health
issues. I owned that stage and everyone in the place, that is how I wanted them to see me.

Before the next song started, I indicated to my band to hold for a moment. Forest gave me a nod and stopped his strumming, the others followed suit.

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” I asked, receiving thousands of screams in response. I had to wait until they settled down again. “Well, I’m glad you’re all having fun. There are two super special people in the audience tonight that I want to acknowledge.”

The room got whisper quiet as they listened to me. It was a rush knowing I could say anything and they would take it on board. That kind of power was dangerous to the wrong people.

“My mom and dad are here tonight,” I continued. “I haven’t been the best daughter in the world but they have stuck with me through thick and thin.”

I had to blink back the unexpected tears that came from nowhere. Whenever I thought about my parents and what they had done for me, I developed a lump in my throat. I didn’t expect to cry in front of the entire audience though. I let the tears burn, trying to hold them back. Crying wasn’t conducive to singing, it got all messy and horrible.

“So thank you, Mom and Dad, you mean the world to me. This song is for you.” I finished quickly, a whole bunch of words I wanted to say were left unsaid. I’d have to tweet about it later instead.