Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic 5-Book Bundle (5 page)

I
WALK THROUGH THE DOOR
of our flat to see Suze, my flatmate, sitting in one of her strange yoga positions, with her eyes closed. Her fair hair is scrunched up in a knot, and she’s wearing black leggings together with the ancient T-shirt she always wears for yoga. It’s the one her dad was wearing when he rowed Oxford to victory, and she says it gives her good vibes.

For a moment I’m silent. I don’t want to disturb her in case yoga is like sleepwalking and you’re not meant to wake people when they’re doing it. But then Suze opens her eyes and looks up—and the first thing she says is “Denny and George! Becky, you’re not serious.”

“Yes,” I say, grinning from ear to ear. “I bought myself a scarf.”

“Show me!” says Suze, unwinding herself from the floor. “Show-me-show-me-show-me!” She comes over and starts tugging at the strings of the carrier, like a kid. “I want to see your new scarf! Show me!”

This is why I love sharing a flat with Suze. Julia, my old flatmate, would have wrinkled her brow and said, “Denny and who?” or, “That’s a lot of money for a scarf.” But Suze completely and utterly understands. If anything, she’s worse than me.

But then, she can afford to be. Although she’s twenty-five, like me, her parents still give her pocket money. It’s called an “allowance” and apparently comes from some family trust—but as far as I can see, it’s pocket money. Her parents also bought her a flat in Fulham as a twenty-first birthday present and she’s been living in it ever since, half working and half dossing about.

She was in PR for a (very) short while, and that’s when I met her, on a press trip to an offshore bank on Guernsey. As a matter of fact, she was working for Brandon Communications. Without being rude—she admits it herself—she was the worst PR girl I’ve ever come across. She completely forgot which bank she was supposed to be promoting, and started talking enthusiastically about one of their competitors. The man from the bank looked crosser and crosser, while all the journalists pissed themselves laughing. Suze got in big trouble over that. In fact, that’s when she decided PR wasn’t the career for her. (The other way of putting it is that Luke Brandon gave her the sack as soon as they got back to London. Another reason not to like him.)

But the two of us had a whale of a time sloshing back wine until the early hours. Actually, Suze had a secret little weep at about two
A.M.
and said she was hopeless at every job she’d tried and what was she going to do? I said I thought she was
far
too interesting and creative to be one of those snooty Brandon C girls. Which I wasn’t just saying to be nice, it’s completely true. I gave her a big hug and she cried some more, then we both cheered up and ordered another bottle of wine, and tried on all each other’s clothes. I lent Suze my belt with the square silver buckle, which, come to think of it, she’s never given back. And we kept in touch ever since.

Then, when Julia suddenly upped and ran off with the professor supervising her Ph.D. (she was a dark horse, that one), Suze suggested I move in with her. I’m sure the rent she charges is too low, but I’ve never insisted I pay the full market rate, because I couldn’t afford it. As market rates go, I’m nearer Elephant and
Castle than Fulham on my salary. How can normal people afford to live in such hideously expensive places?

“Bex, open it up!” Suze is begging. “Let me see!” She’s grabbing inside the bag with eager long fingers, and I pull it away quickly before she rips it. This bag is going on the back of my door along with my other prestige carrier bags, to be used in a casual manner when I need to impress. (Thank God they didn’t print special “Sale” bags. I
hate
shops that do that. What’s the point of having a posh bag with “Sale” splashed all over it?)

Very slowly, I take the dark green box out of the bag, remove the lid, and unfold the tissue paper. Then, almost reverentially, I lift up the scarf. It’s beautiful. It’s even more beautiful here than it was in the shop. I drape it around my neck and grin stupidly at Suze.

“Oh, Bex,” she murmurs. “It’s gorgeous!”

For a moment we are both silent. It’s as though we’re communing with a higher being. The god of shopping.

Then Suze has to go and ruin it all.

“You can wear it to see James this weekend,” she says.

“I can’t,” I say almost crossly, taking it off again. “I’m not seeing him.”

“How come?”

“I’m not seeing him anymore.” I try to give a nonchalant shrug.

“Really?” Suze’s eyes widen. “Why not? You didn’t tell me!”

“I know.” I look away from her eager gaze. “It’s a bit … awkward.”

“Did you chuck him? You hadn’t even shagged him!” Suze’s voice is rising in excitement. She’s desperate to know. But am I desperate to tell? For a moment I consider being discreet. Then I think, oh, what the hell?

“I know,” I say. “That was the problem.”

“What do you mean?” Suze leans forward. “Bex, what are you talking about?”

I take a deep breath and turn to face her.

“He didn’t want to.”

“Didn’t fancy you?”

“No. He—” I close my eyes, barely able to believe this myself. “He doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.”

“You’re joking.” I open my eyes to see Suze looking at me in horror—as if she’s just heard the worst profanity known to mankind. “You are joking, Becky.” She’s actually pleading with me.

“I’m not.” I manage a weak smile. “It was a bit embarrassing, actually. I kind of … pounced on him, and he had to fight me off.”

The cringingly awful memory which I had successfully suppressed starts to resurface. I’d met James at a party a few weeks back, and this was the crucial third date. We’d been out for a really nice meal, which he’d insisted on paying for, and had gone back to his place, and had ended up kissing on the sofa.

Well, what was I
supposed
to think? There he was, there I was—and make no mistake, if his mind was saying no, his body was certainly saying yes, yes, yes. So, being a modern girl, I reached for his trouser zip and began to pull it down. When he reached down and brushed me aside I thought he was playing games, and carried on, even more enthusiastically.

Thinking back, perhaps it took me longer than it should have to guess that he wasn’t playing ball, so to speak. In fact, he actually had to punch me in the face to get me off him—although he was very apologetic about it afterward.

Suze is gazing at me incredulously. Then she breaks into gurgles of laughter.

“He had to fight you off? Bex, you man-eater!”

“Don’t!” I protest, half laughing, half embarrassed. “He was really sweet about it. He asked, was I prepared to wait for him?”

“And you said, not bloody likely!”

“Sort of.” I look away.

In fact, carried away with the moment, I seem to remember issuing him a bit of a challenge. “Resist me now if you can, James,” I recall saying in a husky voice, gazing at him with what I
thought were limpid, sexual eyes. “But you’ll be knocking at my door within the week.”

Well, it’s been over a week now, and I haven’t heard a peep. Which, if you think about it, is pretty unflattering.

“But that’s hideous!” Suze is saying. “What about sexual compatibility?”

“Dunno.” I shrug. “I guess he’s willing to take that gamble.”

Suze gives a sudden giggle. “Did you get a look at his …”

“No! He wouldn’t let me near it!”

“But could you feel it? Was it tiny?” Suze’s eyes gleam wickedly. “I bet it’s teeny. He’s hoping to kid some poor girl into marrying him and being stuck with a teeny todger all her life. Narrow escape, Bex!” She reaches for her packet of Silk Cut and lights up.

“Stay away!” I say. “I don’t want my scarf smelling of smoke!”

“So what
are
you doing this weekend?” she asks, taking a drag. “Will you be OK? Do you want to come down to the country?”

This is how Suze always refers to her family’s second home in Hampshire.
The Country
. As though her parents own some small, independent nation that nobody else knows about.

“No, ’s’OK,” I say, morosely picking up the TV guide. “I’m going to Surrey. Visit my parents.”

“Oh well,” says Suze. “Give your mum my love.”

“I will,” I say. “And you give my love to Pepper.”

Pepper is Suze’s horse. She rides him about three times a year, if that, but whenever her parents suggest selling him she gets all hysterical. Apparently he costs £15,000 a year to run. Fifteen thousand pounds. And what does he do for his money? Just stands in a stable and eats apples. I wouldn’t mind being a horse.

“Oh yeah, that reminds me,” says Suze. “The council tax bill came in. It’s three hundred each.”

“Three hundred pounds?” I look at her in dismay. “What, straight away?”

“Yeah. Actually, it’s late. Just write me a check or something.”

“Fine,” I say airily. “Three hundred quid coming up.”

I reach for my bag and write a check out straight away. Suze is so generous about the rent, I always pay my share of the bills, and sometimes add a bit extra. But still, I’m feeling cold as I hand it over. Three hundred pounds gone, just like that. And I’ve still got that bloody VISA bill to think of. Not a great month.

“Oh, and someone called,” adds Suze, and squints at a piece of paper. “Erica Parsnip. Is that right?”

“Erica
Parsnip?”
Sometimes I think Suze’s mind has been expanded just a little too often.

“Parnell. Erica Parnell from Endwich Bank. Can you call her.”

I stare at Suze, frozen in horror.

“She called here? She called this number?”

“Yes. This afternoon.”

“Oh shit.” My heart starts to thump. “What did you say? Did you say I’ve got glandular fever?”

“What?” It’s Suze’s turn to stare. “Of course I didn’t say you’ve got bloody glandular fever!”

“Did she ask about my leg? Anything about my health at all?”

“No! She just said where were you? And I said you were at work—”

“Suze!” I wail in dismay.

“Well, what was I
supposed
to say?”

“You were supposed to say I was in bed with glandular fever and a broken leg!”

“Well, thanks for the warning!” Suze gazes at me, eyes narrowed, and crosses her legs back into the lotus position. Suze has got the longest, thinnest, wiriest legs I’ve ever known. When she’s wearing black leggings she looks just like a spider. “What’s the big deal, anyway?” she says. “Are you overdrawn?”

Am I overdrawn?

I smile back as reassuringly as I can. If Suze had any idea
of my real situation, she’d need more than yoga to calm her down.

“Just a tad.” I give a careless shrug. “But I’m sure it’ll work itself out. No need to worry!”

There’s silence, and I look up to see Suze tearing up my check. For a moment I’m completely silenced, then I stutter, “Suze! Don’t be stupid!”

“Pay me back when you’re in the black,” she says firmly.

“Thanks, Suze,” I say in a suddenly thickened voice—and as I give her a big hug I can feel tears jumping into my eyes. Suze has got to be the best friend I’ve ever had.

But there’s a tense feeling in my stomach, which stays with me all evening and is still there when I wake up the next morning. A feeling I can’t even shift by thinking about my Denny and George scarf. I lie in bed staring up at the ceiling and, for the first time in months, calculate how much I owe to everybody. The bank, VISA, my Harvey Nichols card, my Debenhams card, my Fenwicks card … And now Suze, too.

It’s about … let’s think … it’s about £6,000.

A cold feeling creeps over me as I contemplate this figure. How on earth am I going to find £6,000? I could save £6 a week for a thousand weeks. Or £12 a week for five hundred weeks. Or … or £60 a week for a hundred weeks. That’s more like it. But how the hell am I going to find £60 a week?

Or I could bone up on lots of general knowledge and go on a game show. Or invent something really clever. Or I could … win the lottery. At the thought, a lovely warm glow creeps over me, and I close my eyes and snuggle back down into bed. The lottery is by far the best solution.

I wouldn’t aim to win the jackpot of course—that’s
completely
unlikely. But one of those minor prizes. There seem to be heaps of those going around. Say, £100,000. That would do. I could pay off all my debts, buy a car, buy a flat …

Actually, better make it £200,000. Or a quarter of a million.

Or, even better, one of those shared jackpots. “The five winners will each receive £1.3 million.” (I love the way they say that: “One point three.” As if that extra £300,000 is a tiny, insignificant amount. As if you wouldn’t notice whether it was there or not.)

One point three million should see me straight. And it’s not being greedy, is it, to want to share your jackpot? Please, God, I think, let me win the lottery and I promise to share nicely.

And so, on the way down to my parents’ house I stop off at a petrol station to buy a couple of lottery tickets. Choosing the numbers takes about half an hour. I know 44 always does well, and 42. But what about the rest? I write out a few series of numbers on a piece of paper and squint at them, trying to imagine them on the telly.

1      6      9      16      23      44

No! Terrible! What am I thinking of? One never comes up, for a start. And 6 and 9 look wrong, too.

3      14      21      25      36      44

That’s a bit better. I fill in the numbers on the ticket.