Soundtracks of a Life (16 page)

Chapter 23

My tired eyes blink open a
nd I lay awake in bed. The room is dark, except for a tiny sliver of light coming through the partially open door. My mind reels back over everything that had happened just hours before. I feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It all seems like just a nightmare now, but I know it isn’t. I hear people chattering coming from the living room. I instantly recognize the voices, everybody’s here…

Exhausted, I sit up in my bed and stare at nothing for
a while, feeling terribly ashamed.  It was so embarrassing to face them after this episode and like that wasn’t bad enough, I had screwed up their Christmas to top it all off.

I sigh, a heavy sigh, shaking my head to myself. I know I can’t hide here forever
no matter how much I may want to. I wash my face in the bathroom and solemnly walk toward the voices. As soon as I enter the living room the conversation comes to an abrupt halt. I intentionally avoid making eye contact with Chris. I feel so bad I can hardly look at him right now.

“I’m glad you are alright Lor,” James says to me breaking the awful silence. He takes me in his arms for a long hug. Ted gets up as well and joins in the hug. “We’re here for
you girl. We all are,” he says to me tenderly.  The emotions taking a hold of me are more than I can stand. I burst into tears. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...” Chris gets up now. I know he’s feeling protective and comes over to me to console me. “It’s okay,” he says.   “You’re safe here with us.”   Susan gives me a hug wiping tears from her eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry. “The important thing is that you are here and you have wonderful friends around you,” she says.

There are so many different emotions going through me
that I can’t sort them all out. I feel spent but mostly feel blessed to have them all with me right now.

“I know this is a serious time and I don’t want to interrupt the love fest moment we are having,” Ted says sheepishly breaking our tender group moment, “but, am I the only one really starving right now?” After a moment of silence we all burst out laughing. The honest but inappropriate
timing of the comment finally breaks the underlining tension in the room.

“Ted!” James says
appalled, “You’re such a douche.”

“I’m sorry man, but I’m really hungry,” he says exasperated. “I never had a chance to eat dinner before I came here.”

“It’s ok, cut him some slack.” I say. “To tell you the truth, I’m ridiculously starving too,” I agree, not just because of my guilt for having interrupted his Christmas dinner, but because I was actually really hungry myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten. “Unfortunately, there is nothing to eat in this house Ted.”

Susan looks at her watch, “Well I’m sure there must
be at least a Chinese restaurant that is still open around here somewhere!”

“Oh yeah, I think I know one. I used to go
there all the time after the band played in the city,” James offers.” ’They’re usually open late and it’s just a couple of blocks from here.”

“Sounds perfect.  Let’s go
James I’ll drive you to it.” Susan says, glad to be taking control again and doing something even if it was a simple as picking up Chinese takeout. After all that had transpired even that small sense of control felt good to her.

After they leave,
Ted, Chris and I break into action trying to dig up enough plates, glasses and silverware to handle the impromptu Chinese takeout feast. I’m happy that neither of them is bringing up the subject of my meltdown right now. It is still way too soon for me to be able to talk about it with anybody and I’m grateful they seem to understand that. As we search through some of the boxes on the floor for utensils, I notice the box with my family’s pictures is gone but I don’t bring it up.

After a while we finally collect everything we need. We
finish setting the table and wait impatiently for Susan and James to return, nobody quite sure what to talk about… the awkward moment is finally put to an end when James and Susan come in the apartment again caring lots of bags of food.

“Geez, I know we said we’re starving but you didn’t have to buy the whole restaurant!” I say mockingly
as they lay down the massive spread on the table.

“Speak for yourself.
” Ted jumps in, “The way I’m feeling right now, there may not be enough for everyone else,” he says teasingly.

“Yes, we are quite aware of your impressive capacity to pig out,” James teases Ted, “That’s why we came prepared.” We all take a seat at the table
, start opening the little white cartons serving ourselves with nice heaps of delicious Chinese food.

“Ohhh, spring rolls, I love spring rolls.” I say as I take one. “This gooey red sweet sauce is my favorite.”

“Yeah, pass those babies over girl.” Ted says to me even though he hardly has any room left in his plate.

Fo
od never tasted so good and as proceed to eat the table is filled with easy conversation and occasional laughter. I’m delighted to feel the lightheartedness between us return once again, almost as if the awful event that had brought us all together that night had not really happened at all. I quietly observe my good friends and at that moment I realize that I’m celebrating my first Christmas in years…  Here watching them I can’t help but to know how foolish I had been. While I would forever feel the loss of my family and that would always be something I will be dealing with, I was in reality, not as alone as I made myself to be.

There was so much more than just friendly camaraderie between these people I had shared the best times of my adult life with
. The fact that they didn’t hesitate to drop everything, even their own families, to rush to help to me touched me deeply. I felt humbled. For years, blinded by mourning the loss of my family, I failed to see I had my own quirky little family right here in front of me and that was much to be grateful for.

I push my chair back, stand up and hit my spoon on my glass to get their attention. They all
go silent and look at me somewhat eagerly.

I take a deep breath and look away as I gather courage to
speak.

“I would like to start by apologizing to all of you for today, for what I made you all go through. I am truly sorry for the hurt
I know my actions caused you.” I take another deep breath, all I could do to keep my voice from cracking. “I don’t expect any of you to understand when I say my life was always spiraling down that path in spite of all of you, and that, in a way… I had to get to that breaking point one day. But I hope you understand that that’s out of my system now. I can appreciate now how foolish it would have been… I’m here because of you… all of you… each of you have saved me, one way or another. So thank you, I love you guys… and merry Christmas…”

Chapter 24

We welcomed the New Year and with it the hope of a fresh start. I was ready to leave behind the ugly incident of the dreaded holidays and I think everyone else felt the same way. We all gather up in LA once again, excited to go back to the studio and record what would be our third album. The first song we decide to record is the one I wrote that fateful Christmas night. We had a lot of discussions between us as to whether we wanted to record it or not. We went back and forth for what seemed like forever but finally decided we had to. It would be part of our healing as a group. From a more practical and artistic perspective it would be a shame to not record such a powerful and beautiful song. Susan felt very strongly on that last point.

I ge
t to the studio way too early, eager to oversee the recording of the orchestra track that would go along with the song.  The guys arrive at the studio in the early evening so we could start recording the band part of the song. First we listen to the orchestra track to get a feel for what we were going for with this song. Then we precede recording individual instruments and solos. All that goes very smoothly but when it comes time to record the vocals it finally hit us what this song is really about. We had decided previously that we wanted this song to be group collaboration so the guys were actually joining me in singing some of the chorus. Now all together in the studio booth singing the heart wrenching lyrics it is impossible not to re-live the emotions of that day. We have to stop and re-do the “takes” several times as the result of one of us getting too emotional. At one point I just broke down in the middle of singing and had to take a break before continuing. It’s the most difficult and strenuous recording session we’ve ever had. We are all completely drained when it is over but the final result is beautiful and, in my opinion, our most beautiful and haunting song to date. Hard as it was, we are happy that went through with it. In a way, it felt a little like we had exorcised the demons of that day and now we could finally move on from that whole episode. Or so I thought...

The next few weeks
we spend every day in the studio, working hard, sometimes all though the night, recording the other songs that will make up the new album.  Most of these new songs had been written during our tour last year. This is the first time we are going over them as a band, working on the arrangements, creating the sounds and feel for each song. On our previous albums we recorded songs we had been playing for a while so we pretty much knew how we wanted them to sound like when we got to the studio. These new songs however, needed a lot more work to get to that final stage and things weren’t going very well.

Somehow, the sync among us was off. Between discussions and arguments
we record a few of the songs but, deep down, we all know they sound off and that just adds to our collective frustration.

The harder we tried, the more we argued and the worse we sounded.

To top off our creative differences, Chris and I were having problems outside the studio too.

After Christmas, I went with him to his family home and
we stayed there until it was time to come down to LA. We both had to come to terms with what had happened but we seemed to be healing well together. I know I hurt him immensely with what I had done but there was only so much I could do now to make it up to him. In the end, he would have to forgive me if we wanted to put this behind us.

And f
or a while I thought he did… but ever so slowly he started to turn bitter about it. His fear of what had happened started to give way to resentment of what happened.  Finally, after we got to LA, his resentment turned into full-blown hate. He couldn’t get over the fact that I had chosen to leave him… that I would have done that in spite of our love for one another and he started to hate me for that. We started fighting constantly, about everything and nothing. There was nothing too big or too small that we couldn’t find a reason to fight about. Or so it seemed.

Our personal turmoil only contributed to the already growing tensions with the band that not only had to deal with our lover’s quarrel, but had to keep it a secret too.

“Stop, Stop, Stop!” I say irritated cutting into the middle of recording a song. The guys stop playing, frustration stamped in their faces.

“What’s the p
roblem now?” Chris asks me sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“Hmm, let’s see… sounds like crap?” I answer him with an ice cold look.

“Come on Lor, take it easy.” James says to me in a conciliatory tone.

“Sorry, I just refuse to sound like syrupy canned pop.” I say. 

Susan steps in sensing this wasn’t going down a good path. “Look you are all tired. Let’s just stop for today and resume tomorrow. A little rest might help you all get a fresh take on it tomorrow.” She says trying hard to appease us.

We all agree, pack our stuff and leave the studio without saying another word to one another. We don’t see each other until the next afternoon. We meet again at the studio and pick up where we left off. We make a few adjustments, some new arrangements.  Martin, the sound engin
eer, puts a rough cut together that we can listen and see what we think.

I don’t even let the song get to the end before I ask Martin to stop playing it.

“Not the sound you are looking for?”  He asks me in a kind tone that makes me appreciate his tremendous amount of patience.

“No…” I say shaking my head
, rubbing my eyes, frustrated.

“I didn’t think it was so bad.” James says to me.

“No one said it was bad, it’s just not what I want, besides I think ‘it’s not bad’ is lowering our standards a bit isn’t it?”

“Maybe we should go back to the beginning and experiment again with the style, this way I might be able to pin point better what you are going for.” Martin says to me trying really hard to help us out of our funk.

“Sounds good, I think we should scrap everything we have so far actually. With exception of the first song we recorded…the only good one in this album.”

They all look at me surprised.

“You want to scrap it all?” James asks me, flabbergasted at the thought of weeks of work gone down the drain.

“Yeah
I do… can we Susan?”

She takes a deep breath.  I can tell she is calculating how much that was going to cost. “If you really think so… I won’t get in your way but you better get it right soon or the label is going to be on our backs,” she says before answering her phone and stepping outside the studio to take the call.

“Great, let’s start all over.” Chris snaps back at me as soon as she is out. “Let’s just play these dammed songs forever so we can maybe figure what’s in your head. As if anyone can know what’s in your head!”

James steps in now. “Chris come on, this is frustrating enough for all of us. She is right you know, what we have is not as good as our previous stuff.” Chris looks at him with anger blazing in his e
yes, he is about to lash out at James when I cut him off.

“Martin can you excuses us for a moment? We’ll call you when we are ready.”

“Yeah no problem, take your time.” He answers obviously feeling uncomfortable and glad to get the hell out of there. As soon as he is out of the room I look at Chris.

“Okay what is this really about Chris? Just say it to my face, just get it out! I’m done enduring your bad mood.”

“You really want to go there?” He says raising his voice irritated.

“Yeah I do! I want to go there. This is obviously not working. Ever since we got to LA all we do is fight.”

“You’re damn right it’s not working. We used to have fun remember? And then you ruined everything!”

“Guys come on, please let’s n
ot do this.” Ted tries to reason.

“I can’t take back that day, Chris.” I yell ignoring Ted. “I know it was selfish, I know I hurt you badly but how many times are you going to make me beg for your forgiveness? You’re the only one who hasn’t forgiven me.”

“Maybe I can’t forgive you after all.” He says in almost a whisper, lowering his voice for the first time. His words cut though me like a knife. The silence was palpable at the studio.

If he had punched me in the face it would probably have hurt less than what I was feeling this moment. “You’re free to leave me if you want to.” I say bitterly.
“Don’t worry... I won’t try to kill myself if you do.” I was hurt and I wanted to hurt him back but as soon as I look into his eyes, I immediately regret saying it. He doesn’t dignify what I said with an answer, he just turns and starts walking away. As he passes by his guitar stand, he kicks it, sending his guitar flying crashing loudly in the back of the studio, pieces flying all over. We just watch in stunned silence as he opens the door and leaves without looking back.

James comes to my side and
gently lays his hand on my back trying to console me as tears start to slowly stream down my eyes. “Are you ok?” he asks kindly.

“No...” I answer wiping away the tears. “I think were done here. Sorry guys.” I say to them and start to walk away.

“What about the record?” James asks me as I’m leaving.

I stop and look at him, “what
record James?” I say shaking my head.

Susan comes back into the studio right as I leave.

“What happened? Where is everyone?” She asks Ted and James noticing the shocked look in their faces. Her eyes now turn to the smashed guitar on the carpeted floor in the back of the studio.

“I think you just lost your band Susan.” James replies still stunned.

“Where is Lorelai?”

“She just left maybe you can still catch her outside.”

“Lorelai!” I hear Susan’s voice yelling for me. I stop, look back and wait for her to catch up with me.

“What are you doing?” she asks
noticing that I had been crying.

“We need a break Susan.  Maybe with a break we can still salvage what we have...”

“I understand, this happens, you guys have been through a lot… we can take some more time…”

I interrupt her, “I think I broke us.” I blurt out as tears get a hold of me again.

“No Lorelai, it’s not your fault, these things, they just take time.  Bands go through these periods all the time. I think we just tried to get back to it all too soon, you guys weren’t ready and we pushed too far too fast. That’s all there is too it.” She says with confidence. “I’ll buy you some time with the label don’t worry. Are you going to be okay though?” I can see in her face she is truly concerned.

“Yeah I’ll be alright.” I say wiping away the tears and trying to put myself together again.

“What are you planning to do?”

“I’m thinking of going up to Tahoe. My lawyer has a winter home up there which he offered for me to use.  I think I’m going to take him up on it, sounds good for now, peaceful.”  I answer but I can see the worr
y on her face. “I know,” I say defeated before she can say anything. “I’m on suicide watch…”

She looks away embarrassed, “I wasn’t going to put it that bluntly!” she says in a thin voice.

“Well, it is what it is, however delicately you put it! You guys can’t baby sit me forever though. I’ll be fine,” I say reassuringly, “and all of you can check up on me anytime. If I don’t answer my phone, I give you full permission to send in the search party…”

She takes a moment to think about it. “Okay I’ll call you every day. If you don’t answer I’ll send the police to your house, I’m not kidding Lorelai!

“Okay that’s fine... But seriously Susan, I’m not in that place anymore, don’t worry.”

It’s
embarrassing to have my friends feel like they have to watch me, but I understand why they felt like they had to. I broke their trust and now I needed to earn it back… that always takes time. So I accepted their babysitting me without complaints however irritating or humiliating it may be. Now, though, it was time for me to finally be alone again. I needed some quiet time to put my thoughts and feelings together. They were just going to have to trust me on this one.