Spanking Shakespeare (19 page)

My parents have made reservations at a fancy restaurant, and my dad immediately orders a bottle of wine and tells the waitress to bring glasses for all of us. “My son just graduated high school,” he says, as if this is justification enough to violate the legal drinking age.

“I can’t believe it,” my mother says. “How can I possibly be old enough to have a son who’s already off to college?”

“Don’t get rid of me yet. I still have the summer.”

“I wish I was leaving,” Gandhi says.

My parents are in high spirits and keep telling me how proud they are. They are dying to read my memoir, but I put them off and tell them that someday, someday I’ll let them read it, though it’s hard to imagine a scenario in which this will ever happen.

My father raises his wineglass. “To Shakespeare,” he says.

“To Shakespeare,” my mother and brother repeat.

We clink our glasses and drink.

By the time we order dessert, we have nearly finished a second bottle of wine, and my parents have launched into stories about our childhoods that we have heard a thousand times. Normally, I would have little patience for this, but today I am genuinely enjoying myself. As I sit back and sip my wine, I notice that Jody Simons and Paige Blanchard have just walked into the restaurant with their families in tow. Because I have a girlfriend now, I do not feel the extreme awkwardness and discomfort I would always experience in the presence of girls I fantasized about, nor do I feel the familiar jolt of panic when Jody sees me, waves, and walks over to our table.

“Hi,” she says cheerily.

My parents look at her, then look at me, and both begin to smile.

“Hi,” I say. “Mom, Dad, this is Jody. She graduated today, also.”

“Congratulations,” my parents say.

“Thanks. I just wanted to meet you and tell you that Shakespeare is, like, the best name ever.”

“You hear that?” my dad says, looking at me. He turns to Jody. “You have no idea how much he’s complained about his name.”

I smile and shrug, happy to concede this little victory to my parents. I have just graduated. I have a girlfriend. I am sitting in a fancy restaurant sipping wine. Jody Simons has come over to my table of her own free will. I realize that I am feeling completely relaxed and at ease.

“Did we ever tell you how we came up with your name?” my mother asks.

“Yes, Mom,” I say, blushing, no longer relaxed, no longer at ease.

Paige walks over to the table and introduces herself to my parents. The situation is becoming hazardous.

“I never heard the story,” my brother says, trying hard to keep a straight face. He turns to Paige. “My mother was about to tell us how they came up with Shakespeare’s name.”

My father takes out his handkerchief and blows a mighty blow.

My mother turns to the girls. “We both loved to act when we were younger, and…” She smiles and shakes her head. “I can’t believe I’m telling this.”

Me neither. Please stop.

She takes a sip of wine. “Well, you have to understand we were a little wild in our younger days.”

Tell me this is not happening.

My father puts his arm around me. “Probably not as wild as this one, though.”

My brother nods. “Yeah, Shakespeare’s a real wild man.”

My mother looks at me affectionately. “Isn’t he handsome?” she says to the girls.

“Like a stallion,” my father says.

“You know,” my mother says, “he never tells us anything about his social life.”

My father squeezes me harder. “Like a stallion,” he bellows. “Just raring to go.”

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I’d like to thank the following people: my agent, Marcia Wernick, for believing in me as a writer; my editor, Jim Thomas, for providing such thoughtful feedback on the manuscript; and my wife, Kira, for all her love and support.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jake Wizner’s life improved significantly after he graduated from high school. These days he lives in New York City with his wife and two daughters and teaches eighth-grade English and history.
Spanking Shakespeare
is his first novel.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2007 by Jake Wizner

Illustrations copyright © 2007 by Richard Ewing

Jacket illustration copyright © 2007 by Richard Ewing / Jacket design by Joanne Yates Russell

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Random House Children’s Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

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Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wizner, Jake.

Spanking Shakespeare / Jake Wizner.—1st ed.

p.                           cm.

SUMMARY
: Shakespeare Shapiro navigates a senior year fraught with feelings of insecurity while writing the memoir of his embarrassing life, worrying about his younger brother being cooler than he is, and having no prospects of ever getting a girlfriend.

[1. Coming of age—Fiction. 2. Authorship—Fiction. 3. High schools—Fiction. 4. Schools—Fiction.] I. Title.

PZ7.W791Sp 2007                            [Fic]—dc22                            2006027035

eISBN: 978-0-375-89086-4

v3.0