Spare the Lambs (4 page)

On the Friday before Easter, Good Friday, I stayed home alone in my apartment.  I guessed I was safest there on that horrible night, because they had never known where I lived.  If I went out they might happen upon me while they hunted their next
victim
.  My parents were hopping from bar to bar, like every Friday, even though that one was supposed to be holy or something. 

Around 9 p.m., there was a knock on my door.  I told myself that they didn’
t
know where I lived, I still feared, Gerald was on the other side of the door and I was the chosen
victim
.  A thick sweat coated me and I felt like vomiting from fear.  I had to tell myself that they couldn’
t
know where I lived five times before I got up the nerve to open the door.

I was wrong.  Very wrong.  Sammy and Lily were standing there.  My one place of safety hadn’
t
been safe at all.  Before I could think of what to do, they rushed into my apartment.  Lily said, “We’re going to be late and you haven’
t
even started to get ready.”  When I finally managed to ask her what she was talking about, she told me, “We don’
t
have time for that.  Hurry, get ready.”

It had been a good choice, possibly the best choice, to send them and not any of the others.  I knew, without real proof, that all of them were killers.  But I was a lot less afraid of the two of them together than I was of any of the boys by themselves.  I never really understood the term “sexist” until I thought about that night.  They hustled me into my bedroom and stripped me down to my underwear before I could object.  I had been wearing my
favorite
clothing,
favored
because they were the nicest I had and I remembered the thrill of stealing them every time I wore the blue Polo-shirt and Khaki pants.  I had taken them from Wal-
mart
, which was said to have the best security.  I just chanced into them in one of the dressing rooms and walked out of the store wearing them.

The girls had me out of my clothes so quickly that I didn’
t
have time to be embarrassed.  Lily quickly found an old stained
t
-shirt and some faded jeans.  I dressed as quickly as I could, with a red face and unable to look up from my feet.  All I felt was confusion.  Plus, I was extremely flustered.  Lily forcefully ushered me out of my room and the apartment.  The last thing I saw was that Sammy hadn’
t
left my clothing on the floor but instead had folded them and was bringing them with us.  She smiled at me as I looked back at her, but her eyes were farther away than I had ever seen before. 

As I crossed the threshold, something hit me on the back of the head and my world went dark.

***

I woke up on the dirty, cold, floor of the abandoned building, which had been my sanctuary from the uncaring world for three months.  My head throbbed and I felt like I would vomit.  I turned my head and saw that the others were surrounding me in a tight circle.  They were motionless, but I could feel their eyes move along my
body
.  Most wore shorts and I could see that their muscles were tense, ready to move if I made to run for freedom.  I got to my feet shakily, if I was going to die I would do so standing.  Gerald stood directly in
front
of me, only two feet away.

Behind him, bathed in moonlight, was a small naked girl.   She was so young, not even into puberty yet.  She was lying on her side with a
black
cloth bag over her head.  She cried in low sobs.  Her little chest filled with gasps and slowly deflated in tear stained jerks.  From eight feet away, I saw that her skin was red and chaffed by the rough rope that bound her hands and feet.  I was completely confused by the girl being there.  Had she figured out the group’s secret as well?  If I were to be killed for what I knew or possibly for abandoning Gerald and the others, why was that girl there?

Everyone had a meat cleaver, bigger than the one my mother bought but never used, in the hand they wrote with.  Sammy and Lily held dull silver blades in their right hands.  Lee and
James
held shinier ones in their left.  Gerald held two, a rusty one in his right hand and a shiny new one in his left by the blade.  He smiled that awful wolf’s grin and lifted the new cleaver to present the handle to me.

His eyes were hard and merciless as he said, “We offer you a place in our
pack
.  To be one in
body
and mind with us, your friends.  Take the blade and kill the
lamb
.  Prove that you belong in our family.  Prove that our bond is stronger than blood.”  At his words, the little girl started to cry harder.  “Refuse and you, who chooses to be a
lamb
instead a wolf, who chooses to be weak, will die in her place.  We have no need for a
lamb
in wolf’s clothing.”

He pushed the handle into my chest, harder and harder, until I took it from him and stepped aside.  With the others behind and beside me, I could only move forward, toward the girl.  The cleaver was heavier than it had looked in Gerald’s hand and the handle was too big for my thirteen-
year old
hand.  The air stunk with the sharp scent of my fear and my heart felt like it wanted to escape from my chest.  What should I have done?  What could I have done?  I felt there was no way I could kill a girl that had done nothing to me. 

I turned slowly around to look at the monsters that had caged me.  They all wore blank faces as they waited to see what I would do, even Lily.  There was no way I could’ve ran.  Their legs were longer and they’d probably set some kind of trap in the stairway.  I couldn’
t
fight them.  If I raised that cleaver against one of them, all of theirs’ would have chopped me to death before mine fell.  The only thing I could hope for was that they were too close to each other and would hit one another as they killed me.

I had only one choice.  I didn’
t
want to die and deep down I still wanted to belong in the group.  That’s probably why I didn’
t
go to the police when I thought I knew what they were and why I haven’
t
gone since that night.  I staggered towards the girl and stood over her.  She was so young and small.  I had never killed anything, not even a stray dog or cat.  She wailed and thrashed on the hard floor.

I watched her for some time.  Her skin, while dirty from sweat and the floor, had a deep down cleanliness and softness.  Her skin reminded me of the kids in my classes, the ones from good families.  The ones that never hit me but said words that wounded deeper than any blow.  She would grow up to torment people like me.  But only if she grew up.  I raged at her in my head to cover my shame at the thoughts of what I had to do.  Even my anger couldn’
t
hide the fact that she was a human. 

Everyone watched Lily.  She had removed her shirt and dropped it on the filthy floor.  They watched as she unclasped her bra.  Sammy elbowed Gerald in the ribs.  He said, “Ok, let’s get to work.”

James and Lee laughed as they walked over to me.  One of them, I couldn’
t
focus well enough to tell which, said, “Don’
t
worry, we got the rest,” as they slapped my back in that manly
good job
kind of way.  The sound of plastic rustled and something thumped behind me.  But all I could do was watch Lily, my goddess, undress.

Sammy walked off to a nearby wall and came back with a gallon of bleach.  Her steps were quick and full of life, but her eyes were still far off and lifeless as if Gerald wasn’
t
there.  She said, “
Welcome
,” and kissed my bloody cheek.  The splash of liquid hitting the floor came from behind me.  I could smell the salty metallic scent of blood, the tang of my fear and exhaustion sweat, and the terrible fumes of bleach.

Gerald walked over and pried the cleaver from my hand.  He placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze.  He stood to my side so I could continue to stare, unblinking as Lily removed the remainder of her clothing.  I could see his awful grin out of the corner of my eye, wider than ever before.  It felt wrong to see the flatness of his teeth.  They should’ve been pointed; sharp, and at all times, ready to rip through innocent flesh.  That flatness felt like I had been shown a picture of a
T
-Rex and then told that it ate plants.  His eyes were truly alive for the first time, I hadn’
t
even noticed the coldness in them before, not without that light shining from them.  His eyes were lit up like the night sky on the 4
th
of July.

He gave my shoulder another squeeze and said, “We brought some of your clothes.”  He nodded towards one of the far corners.  “Be sure to burn the ones you have on right now.  There is some
gas
and a lighter by the other outfit.  There’s some water too, so be sure to clear up.”  He looked back at Lily, “And
welcome
to the
pack
, brother.”

He put so much weight into the last sentence that it sent a warm shiver over my
body
.  Gerald walked out of the now silent room, I hadn’
t
even noticed that the others had finished and left.  Lily approached me.  She really was Aphrodite, with fire for hair and the depths of an iceberg-studded sea in her eyes.  She was a goddess in human form, my goddess.  I had imaged her like that so many times, but it felt wrong, dirty even, after what I had just done.  Oddly, that feeling of wrongness added to the excitement.

***

If asked, I doubt I could have described all that I felt that night without the months of remembering and
analyzing
.  Everything was layered over each other.  I felt afraid, guilty, ashamed, dirty, accepted, respected, lustful, passionate, free, and some kind of primal power for having killed something with my bare hands.  For two months, we hung out as much as before my crime.  They were good times, but now I know they were calculated like everything else. 

I didn’
t
feel bad for what I had done when I was with them.  I enjoyed the sense of being with people that loved each other in a way that I doubt few have felt.  And I could tell they felt the same.  But after those months, we didn’
t
come together as a group anymore.  Only one or two of the others would join me at some agreed upon place, as we had stopped using the old school building after that night.

For almost a year, I felt loved and respected whenever I was with them.  I didn’
t
feel like a monster when we were together.  I knew during that time why they said, “all those
lambs
,” it reminded us of that primal power and that moment of complete acceptance.

But, when I was alone all I felt was shame and guilt.  I should have died in the girl’s place.  They may have kept their word and freed the child if I had chosen to die, it would have been better.  She was so young and innocent; she still could have been anything.  That girl had never been drawn into such a messed up group.  I saw my crime in the newspaper that following
Monday
.  Gerald had always read them, but after the
murder,
he read everyone he could get a hold of.

It read, “Easter Murder
Claims
Another
Victim
.”  Her name had been Eva Collins.  She was ten, four foot eight inches tall and had blue eyes and bouncy blonde curls.  Her father owned a few stores across the
state
and her mother had a degree in fine arts if I am remembering right.  Oh God, if only I had never learned her name.  Lambs didn’
t
have names.

I started to pray to God every night before bed and again when I awoke from the nightmares.  I don’
t
know if he exists, but I hope he does and answers my prayers.  I don’
t
pray for forgiveness from God or the little girl, Eva.  No, I have earned hell and all its terrors.  I prayed that the cops would find us or that God would pull one of the crumbling buildings down on our heads.