Speechless (29 page)

I
’m a year older and I feel it. Just hours ago I was thirty-three—a fun number with curvy good looks that’s easy to say, and cool to write. At thirty-three, I was young enough to look good, yet old enough to have some cash to blow on life’s finer things. Thirty-four sounds dreary and looks dull; it has an air of responsibility about it. Thirty-three spends its last dime on a skirt to wear to a new restaurant that’s so expensive, the meal has to be paid off over several months. Thirty-four wears last year’s skirt (still perfectly good) to the reliable and affordable bistro around the corner. Thirty-three rushes to the liquor store to buy a case of Beaujolais Nouveau. Thirty-four knows it’s overpriced, overrated, underripe grape juice and bottles her own. Thirty-three seduces bartenders during a business trip. Thirty-four waits for someone safe to come along. Thirty-four is sensible. Thirty-four is mature. Thirty-four thinks long-term.

“Happy birthday to you.” The sound of someone singing startles me out of my reverie. “Happy birthday to you.” Richard creeps into my office. Closing the door behind him, he walks toward me, singing breathlessly, à la Marilyn Monroe. “Happy birthday dear Libby, happy birthday to you.” The last two words
are little more than warm breath on my cheek as he leans down to kiss me. I quickly push my chair a safe distance away.

“Uh, thanks.”

“Here,” he says, putting a small, wrapped box on the desk.

“You bought me a gift?” I’m surprised by the gesture. We’ve hardly been the best of friends lately.

“Maybe.”

I unwrap the box and open it. “A watch!” I say, astonished. “It’s beautiful.” I realize immediately that I can’t accept it and snap the box closed. It’s too extravagant a gift. When I look up, he’s beaming at me.

“You’re welcome!”

“Richard, I love it, but I can’t.” I hand the box back to him.

“Why not?”

“It wouldn’t be right—you know, because we work together. Others would wonder about our relationship and we’re not exactly involved.”

“I’ve noticed. Why
is
that?”

“It’s such an awkward situation. I can’t afford to give those two anything on me.”

“We’re talking about a
fling,
Libby, not Romeo and Juliet. Lighten up a little.”

“Richard, I don’t have the luxury of being your
Canadian crumpet.
You get to fly home anytime you like, but I have to take my career here seriously.”

“So you’ve been leading me on all this time?”

“Look, this job has been good for me and I want to keep it. If you and I got together, Margo and Mrs. Cleary would show me the door.”

“So it’s not worth the risk,” he says.

“Not for a fling. I’m sorry.”

“You know, McIssac,” he says, his face now inches from mine, “you’re not getting any younger. All work and no play make
Lily
a very dull girl.” He strides across the room and flings the door back against the wall.

I rest my forehead in my hand. Yesterday, I’d have sworn Richard had no more interest in me than he has for anyone with
a uterus. He flirts with everyone. So what is he thinking, giving me a gift like that? The man doesn’t need to spend that kind of cash to have company. And surely I don’t come across as the type of woman who would fold for a pretty bauble?

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Gifts from the Grave

Thanks for your birthday card and your note of condolence on the demise of the crush. The weirdest thing just happened. Richard came into my office, sang Happy Birthday and presented me with a watch. I don’t know what brand because I snapped the box shut quickly (so as not to be tempted) and gave it back to him. It definitely resembled a TAG.

Now, I’m just as turned on by extravagant gifts as the next girl, but when they come from a guy like Richard, I can’t help looking for strings. In any case, I’m over him. The proof: he kissed me on the cheek and it didn’t even start my heart racing. I’ve accepted that he’s not the type of guy for me and a fancy watch isn’t going to change that.

I hate to confess it, Rox, but this has just made me pine for Tim. I’ve got the birthday blues—you know, another year older and no relationship.

But I refuse to be maudlin. No, I am going to finish this speech and meet the gang for dinner and have a good time in spite of myself.

Lib

P.S. I’m glad to hear you’ve picked up the torch I laid down. Does Gavin know he’s been replaced by a sexy Spanish director? Good luck finding lingerie on that tiny island. If you run into problems, let me know and I’ll ship you a selection from my enormous inventory.

At the end of the day, I am cheered to find seven new voice-mail messages, all wishing me happy birthday. Curiously, there’s
no word from my parents although Brian remembered to call from Vancouver. The phone rings as soon as I put it down.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” It’s Mom and Dad.

“Thanks! I thought you’d forgotten.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” says my father, who’d never remember were it not for Mom. After a brief pause, he adds, “Well, I’ll let you talk to your mother now. I’ve promised to mow Mrs. Hadley’s lawn.” My mother covers the receiver and yells something to him. “Uh, right. So, Libby, have a great time tonight and, uh, we love you.” He hangs up and my mother picks up the ball.

“So how was your day?”

“It was kind of weird. I don’t think I like being thirty-four.”

“Well, in my opinion, everything gets better at thirty-five.”

“Easy for you to say. You were never a cougar.”

“A cougar?”

“Nothing. Did Mrs. Hadley move?”

“No, why?”

“Her place is a mile from yours. How is Dad—?”

“Don’t ask, dear,” Mom cuts me off. “Let’s just say it’s a source of embarrassment to me.”

The thought of my father cruising along the back streets of Scarborough on his lawn mower makes me smile.

“We want to take you for dinner,” my mother continues. “How does next Sunday sound? We’ll let you pick the place.”

“There’s a pizza bistro that just opened in my neighborhood. Why don’t we try that?”

“Lovely. Have fun tonight. And Libby, it really does get better after thirty-five.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

I’m only a few minutes late when I arrive at Canoe, but the noise from the corner indicates my friends have already assembled. They’ve taken over the bar’s prime real estate—a little sitting area beside the window. The view from the fifty-second floor of this downtown office tower is spectacular at night.

“Happy birthday!” they chorus as I join them.

“Thanks, guys.” I’m cheering up already. What great friends I have!

Then, as I settle into one of the leather chairs, they all start growling and snarling while presenting me with a case of Wildcat beer.

“Only the best for our cougar,” Elliot says. I glower at Lola.

“Don’t look at me!” she says, “I wasn’t the only one there.”

“Emma! I didn’t expect
you
to spill the beans.”

“What can I say? I was traumatized and needed to share the details with my devoted husband.”

“I guess I’m sensitive now that I’m officially in my mid-thirties,” I say, sighing.

“You’re hardly in a position to complain,” says Elliot, who turned forty last year.

“You’re all a bunch of old farts,” Günter comments, “but it’s nothing a little makeup can’t hide.” I notice he’s wearing liquid eyeliner and mascara.

“Keep your glitter to yourself, thanks,” says Bob, who likes Günter but feels obliged to keep up the heterosexual front.

The waitress arrives with a tray of drinks. They’ve already ordered all six of the bar menu’s specialty cocktails for me. Wonderful—two weekends in a row of painful detox. But I start in on the cranberry cobbler martini without complaint, biding my time until I have the nerve to corner Bob. I’m spooning up the fruit at the bottom of cocktail number three before I conclude that subtlety is overrated.

“So, Bob,” I say, leaning across the table and rudely interrupting his conversation with Günter and Elliot. “What’s the deal with Tim and Melanie?”

“Who are Tim and Melanie?” Günter asks.

“Tim’s the guy Libby is meant to be with,” Elliot explains.

“Then who is Melanie?”

“Melanie’s the slag he’s been dating,” Lola offers.

“Melanie’s no slag,” Bob says. “Ouch!” Emma has hoofed him under the table. “Not that I
like
her or anything, but Libby had her chance.”

“It’s okay, Bob,” I say. “I know I blew it.” Cocktail number four is bringing me down.

“Tell her about Melanie,” Emma prods Bob.

“I’m not talking about this,” Bob retorts.

“Fine, I’ll tell her,” Emma says. “Apparently, Tim isn’t that interested in Melanie. He knows her from the fund-raising circuit and she asked
him
out. He told Bob there are no major sparks. Right?” she asks her husband.

“I’m still not talking about this.”

“Anyway, she’s been chasing him for all she’s worth, the slag.”

“Emma!” Bob is outraged.

“Look, I offered to let you tell the story and you declined, so I get to tell it my way. Anyway, Libby, if he’s not mad about Melly, why don’t you just call him and claw her right out of the picture?”

Everyone laughs, but I say, “I don’t think it will be so easy to win him back.” Bob’s silence confirms I’m right.

“The man is a pig!” Lola exclaims.

“He is not!” Bob defends Tim. “Libby dumped him so why shouldn’t he—”

“Not Tim—
Michael!
” Lola points to the entrance where Michael is making an entrance with a gorgeous young blonde. He nuzzles her neck as they wait for the hostess. “That’s his admin assistant,” Lola gasps. “He hired her just after we started going out. He was probably two-timing me all along!”

“I hate to say it, but you’re probably right,” Elliot agrees ruefully.

“He was an asshole the night you brought him to my concert,” Günter says. “I’d love to take him down a notch.”

“If you really mean that, honey, I think there’s something we could do,” Elliot says to Günter, who picks up on the unspoken plan and nods gleefully.

“Lola, would you mind?” Elliot asks.

“Be my guest, fellas,” she says, settling back with the rest of us to watch the show.

“MICHAEL? DARRRRRRLING!” Elliot carols, in his most effeminate voice.

Michael looks over and the color drains from his face. He lunges for the hostess but Elliot and Günter are already speeding toward him. Each seizes one of Michael’s arms affectionately.

“Hi, Elliot,” he says awkwardly. “And uh, you are—?”

“Excuse me?” Elliot says. “I can’t imagine you’ve forgotten Günter, after all that happened. Mikey, don’t be coy. And who’s your friend?” he adds, giving her the once-over.

“This is Jenny,” Michael says cautiously.

“Yenny, Liebling,” Günter jumps in, “vat is zat cheap perfume you are verring? Vas it a gift from Mikey? He alvays had terrible taste, didn’t he, Elly?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t taste terrible, did he?”

“Vell, no, actually,” Günter giggles, “but ve shouldn’t discuss zis in front of poor Yenny.”

Michael tries to protest, but Elliot jumps in quickly. “I’m sure she knows all about his sordid past, don’t you?” Jenny looks bewildered and she’s edging away from Michael.

“Did you tell her about ze night ve met, Mikey?” Günter asks.

“Why would I tell her about that?” Michael says, irritated.

“You ver so sweet, coming backstage vith ze roses. My little groupie! How could I help falling for you?”

Some of the customers at the bar are starting to tune in now and Michael flushes with embarrassment. He tries to walk away but Elliot tightens his grip.

“Aw, look, he’s blushing,” Elliot says to Günter, “he misses you.”

“This is bullshit!” Michael explodes. “I barely know you and I was certainly never your groupie. I don’t even
like
your music.”

“Ouch!” Günter says, looking hurt. “Zat’s not vat you said ven you were trying to get into my plether pants.”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“You said you loved me.”

“I did not! Jenny, he’s lying.”

“Vell, maybe I yust hoped for that,” Günter concedes. “But I wrote a zong for you, Mikey. Shall I sing it now?”

“I am going to shut you up, you prancing—”

“Michael!”
Jenny interrupts. “Clearly you two have some unresolved business.”

“We do not. They’re just trying to get back at me for—”

“For what?”

“For breaking Günter’s heart, you asshole,” Elliot says. Günter’s eyes well up with tears. “He really cared about you, and here you are, Mr. Gay-when-it-suits-me, strutting around with your dolly pretending you’re straight. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual—as long as you’re honest about it. Jenny, he hurts people. You need to know.”

Günter takes out a tissue and honks noisily into it. His eyeliner is running. Michael, now crimson, glares over at Lola, who raises her glass to him and smiles. Jenny, meanwhile, looks from Günter to Lola to Michael, then says, “Give the bartender your credit card, Michael. You’ve upset these people. The least you can do is pick up their tab.”

Michael hesitates for a moment, but everyone at the bar is watching and waiting. When he finally hands his credit card to the bartender, there’s a loud cheer. Jenny turns on her heel and walks out. Michael follows at a run.

Elliot and Günter make their way back to our table to joyous applause. Moments later, another round of cocktails arrives, this time courtesy of the bartender, who has enjoyed the show.

“Hell hath no fury like the friends of a woman scorned!” Bob says, raising his glass. Lola hugs Elliot and then Günter.

Maybe Mom was right about things improving with age.

T
he battle rages on. Although the Minister hasn’t disclosed the entire contents of Richard’s report, I get the feeling Margo knows about his recommendation to fire her because her hostility toward him has skyrocketed. Richard isn’t taking her abuse lying down, so it’s open warfare.

Margo is reluctantly supporting the Minister’s plan to introduce Contact Culture but disagrees with Richard about how to do it. They’re arguing about the allocation of funds and how the new program should be announced. Richard wants to use an outside firm to design the entire launch at significant cost. He’s chosen Loud Mouth Productions, a hip young company, to develop a strategy that will appeal to kids. He also wants to keep a lid on the initiative until every detail is finalized so that we get the best mileage out of the announcement. Margo is complaining that the firm is far too expensive and has no proven track record. She says that the money we’re already forking out to our consultant (i.e. Richard) should buy us a great campaign, particularly with people on staff who have experience launching new programs. She also wants to consult broadly as we develop the program.

Richard and Margo are already holding meetings with policy analysts, lawyers, assistant deputy Ministers, the deputy and the Minister. I attend some of them simply to observe their efforts to outstrategize each other. Neither is stupid. Each proposes different policy approaches, funding approaches and public relations tactics. The Minister’s head is spinning and it will be a miracle if nothing falls through the cracks—particularly since all of her energies at the moment are going toward the mentoring program, Tomorrow’s Talent. A month ago, in my then-undefined role as communications generalist, I would have considered it my duty to take it up with her. Fortunately, Richard has clarified that I am a speechwriter, no more, no less, and as long as I can get factual information about the initiatives in time to write the Contact Culture speeches, I’ll be fine. I’m free to enjoy the show.

Normally, I’d put my money on Margo. She’s devious, manipulative, omnipresent and largely without scruple. However, she’s lacking the one thing Richard has in abundance: testosterone. Sure, he has skill, but the testosterone gives him the competitive edge. Yesterday, when they were arguing in the hall, Richard moved closer and closer in a deliberate attempt to intimidate her—he’s a foot and a half taller than she is, after all. Then he stepped back and raked her over with his eyes until they came to rest on her chest—a sexual power dynamic if I’ve ever seen one.

Now that my lust blinders are off, I wonder what I ever saw in him. I feel as though I picked up a pretty rock only to discover nasty critters running around underneath.

“Hey, Libby.” Mark pops his head around my office door and holds up a paper shopping bag. “Can I tempt you with lunch?”

“If that’s a Vessuvio’s bag, I’ll meet you in the kitchen in five minutes.”

“Actually, I was hoping we could eat at your desk today.”

“Sure,” I say, dragging my guest chair closer to the desk. Mark takes sandwiches, brio and a brownie out of the bag. “Quite a spread.”

“Let’s call it the last supper. The axe came down this morning: the Minister says my services are no longer required.”

“I’m sorry, Mark.”

“Don’t be, I expected it. Richard didn’t want me here and his word carries a lot of weight with the Minister. I started looking for work weeks ago and landed a contract with the Ministry of Education.”

“That’s great! I’ll hook you up with a couple of my old colleagues.”

Mark smiles and chews thoughtfully for a minute. “Listen, Libby, keep an eye out for Richard. Call it consultant’s intuition, but I think there’s more going on with him than meets the eye and the Minister is naive.”

“You think he’s up to something?” Hearing Mark voice his concerns makes me realize that I have a few doubts of my own. I’ve been too numbed by desire to take them seriously before now.

“I don’t have any proof, but I think so. I know you don’t like Margo, but she is loyal. And as for the Minister, sure she’s flighty and high maintenance—”

“You got that right,” I snort.

“—but she’s bright and when the pressure is on, she’s capable. She’s even got charm. I think she’s committed in her own way to seeing the arts flourish. Unfortunately, she has a blind spot for Richard and I worry about that.”

I finish my sandwich and pick at the brownie. “I appreciate the advice, Mark, and I promise I’ll keep my eyes open.”

“Just looking out for my favorite colleague,” Mark says, smiling. “Of course, we won’t be colleagues for much longer…” I can tell by his tone where this is going but before I can throw up a roadblock, Mark plunges forward. “I was wondering if we might get together socially?”

He means more than a casual coffee and I don’t want to mislead him, so I say, “I’d love to keep in touch, Mark, but it’s only fair to tell you that there’s someone special in my life right now.”
It’s not a complete lie: Tim is special. Getting him into my life is a minor detail.

“I’m not surprised, but I had to ask.” He stands to collect the remnants of our meal.

“But let’s have lunch when you’ve settled in at Education.”

“I’d like that,” he says graciously, shaking my hand before he leaves. A gentleman.

Today, the Minister sends both Margo and me to Richard’s office to debate the order of events for the Contact Culture launch.

“Richard,” she begins.

He doesn’t look up from his computer or acknowledge us in any way.

“Excuse me, we need to talk to you about the announcement.”

No reaction at all from Richard. It’s as if we’ve entered another dimension. He’s so fascinated by the images on his screen that he can neither hear Margo nor feel her evil presence.

“Richard!”
she barks. “The Minister sent us to talk to you about the launch agenda. I’d appreciate a moment of your time.”

Still nothing. It’s the old I’ll-ignore-you-until-you-spontaneously-combust-and-then-I-win maneuver. Brian and I played this game often in our youth but Margo apparently never learned the rules of engagement because Richard is gaining control of the situation simply by feigning deafness.

“Would you like me to tell the Minister that you’re unwilling to help?”

By way of a response, he dredges a load of phlegm from his sinuses and swallows loudly.

“Will you listen to me?!”

He reaches into his mouth with a forefinger and explores a molar.

“ARE YOU
DEAF?!
” she shrieks.

Richard leans forward to inspect his computer screen, seemingly oblivious to Margo’s dance of rage at the door.

“His eyesight must be going too,” I tell Margo in a stage whisper.

He pushes his chair back from the computer abruptly and turns to give me a scathing glance.

“Oh, hi Margo,” he says calmly. “Did you say something?”

Margo has lost her voice. I follow her gaze to Richard’s hand, which is resting in his crotch. He gives himself a casual scratch.

“Margo?” he asks again with a faint smile. “What can I do for you?” He adjusts his grip as he makes the offer.

I expect Margo to bolt, but she surprises me.

“You can review my suggestions for the launch. I’ll tell the Minister that you’re—” she pauses for effect “—caught up with a
small matter
and will share your comments shortly.”

“Whatever you like,” he replies, blandly, but I can tell Margo has scored a minor victory.

I hurry back to my office with Margo shadowing me.

“Did you see what Richard did?” she asks.

“Ignore you? Yeah, I noticed.”

“
No,
the other thing.”

“What other thing?” I may admire her for standing up to Richard, but I can’t pass up an opportunity to mess with her head. Can she bring herself to say the words
fondle,
or
grope?

“
You
know.” (She can’t!)

“Sorry, Margo, I’m not sure what you’re saying.” Somehow, I keep a straight face.

She stares at me for a long moment before muttering, “Never mind.” Maybe I should own up. I have no interest in protecting the man, yet I don’t want to get dragged into a discussion with the Minister of Richard’s nether parts. Still, it wouldn’t kill me to toss her a bone: “Margo, don’t let him know he’s getting to you.”

She sniffs and stomps out, leaving me to ponder my lifeless crush with quiet bemusement. It’s been six feet under for days and if I ever had any fears of its resurrection, they’ve certainly been laid to rest today.

I’m getting plenty of work done while Margo and Richard pursue their own agendas. There are other benefits, too: no surprise visits by Margo; no assignment of menial tasks like booking the Minister’s reflexology sessions; no boring events; no carrying the damn handbag. Richard, my antiprince, at least gave me this gift. But I also feel sidelined. Margo is busy protecting her turf from Richard and Richard is busy trying to look like he’s above scheming. The Minister is getting crotchety and finally explodes.

“Why can’t I get a straight answer out of either one of you? Are these initiatives under control or not?”

“Minister, he—”

“Clarice, she—”

“Enough!” she bellows. “Kiss and make up, you two! If your relationship doesn’t improve immediately, I’m hiring a baby-sitter. For now, I’m separating you. Margo, you will go to your room and handle the funding announcement. Richard, you will go to
your
room and manage the regulation changes. I am holding both of you accountable. Margo—call Leon and rebook my massage. I’m
very
tense.”

I feel guilty that I’m not helping, but staying out of the game means I keep my sanity. I need it to handle both my speech load and the work with Lola on the wedding book, which is proceeding well despite the many distractions.

I doubt the Minister meant it literally when she ordered Richard and Margo to kiss and make up, but he’s been positively
courtly
toward Margo ever since. Poor Margo has been disoriented by the about-face. When Richard attempts to guide her into the boardroom with a hand on her back, she flinches as if he’s struck her. When he gives her a cup of coffee, she leaves it untouched, perhaps fearing he’s poisoned it.

And the Oscar for best performance of sincerity by a self-serving lead actor goes to Richard Neale!

I still have the mentoring program’s press conference to worry about. I’m putting the last touches on the new speech when I hear shuffling in the hall, followed by clattering in the stairwell and muffled obscenities. Venturing out to investigate, I find Laurie in the stairwell, cursing like a trooper while she picks up an odd assortment of clothes, sports equipment and art supplies.

“Sorry,” she says, “I didn’t realize anyone was still here.”

I help her gather up the items on the stairs. “When’s the rummage sale?” I ask.

“These are your costumes for tomorrow.”

“Can you explain to me why we’re playing dress-up again when the costumes weren’t a hit the first time?”

“The Minister still has faith in her idea, although she’s decided to mix it up a bit.”

“So I don’t have to strap myself into that corset?”

“Nope, and your new costume is
much
roomier.”

“Uh-oh, who am I this time?”

“Roberta Bondar.”

“The astronaut? Hey, not bad.”

“Let’s see what you think when you’re suited up.”

Something glittery catches my eye and I stoop to pick up a skimpy, sequined halter top. Twirling it on my index finger, I ask, “And who’s wearing
this
little number?”

“Fortunately, it isn’t Richard, although he’s agreed to join you. He’s trying to suck up to Mrs. Cleary.”

“Can’t he be the astronaut so that I can be a sex symbol?”

“You’ll have to settle for having a beautiful mind—we don’t breed a lot of sex symbols in Canada. Anyway, I promise you’ll enjoy Richard’s costume.”

“Beam me up, Jim,” the Minister says, giggling in the back seat.

“Love to, Shania, but my uniform is too tight to move!”

“Oooh,
that don’t impress me much!
” she says, quoting a song from Shania Twain, the sexy country singer she’s impersonating today.

Richard is dressed as Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise, circa 1965. It’s nice that William Shatner has so inspired the Minister, but I’m not sure today’s students will see it. They will, however, see far more of Richard than necessary. Laurie got the largest trekkie suit in the costume shop, but it’s still too small for him. The pants end at his shins, the sleeves far short of his wrists. While following him to the car earlier, I couldn’t help but notice his underwear migrating north beneath the rust-and-black polyester.

The Minister is quite fetching in a long brown wig, the midriff-baring halter top I picked up in the stairway yesterday and tight, stretch-velvet pants. I’ve got to hand it to the woman, she looks damn good for fifty.

“Ouch!” Margo yelps suddenly. “The rat is biting me!”

I crane around to see her fighting off an energetic Pomeranian. She’s dressed as Emily Carr, the eccentric artist and author. To keep the costume “authentic and recognizable,” Mrs. Cleary insisted Margo wear a fat suit under the shapeless caftan. There’s a bowler cap on her head and she’s juggling an artist’s palette in addition to the dog. The Minister borrowed Goliath from her sister because Emily Carr, a noted animal lover, was often photographed with her dogs.

Richard is sitting between Margo and the Minister, his legs splayed. Margo glances nervously toward his crotch. And no wonder: the man is either far better endowed than he appeared to be earlier this week, or he’s wearing a generous codpiece. When he catches me staring, he smiles and looks me straight in the eye. I shake my head.

While Captain Kirk and Shania resume flirting, I reach over and turn down the heat in the car. It’s jacked sky-high to keep the Minister’s exposed flesh warm, but steam is issuing from the neck of my heavy space suit.

“Bill,” Shania’s voice rings out, “it’s chilly back here. Could you turn up the heat?”