Speechless (7 page)

Perhaps my decision to dip to a 26-point font was a little ambitious.

At the end of the event, I scurry to the car and sink as low in the front seat as possible.

“Ask her,” the Minister says to Margo in the back seat, in an eerily calm voice.

“What happened to today’s speech, Libby?” Margo’s voice is calm too.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what size is the font?”

“I’m not sure,” I hedge.

“Give us your best guess.”

“Well, it’s pretty big. Maybe 32 points.”

“Did you reduce it deliberately?”

Recognizing that evasion is futile, I confess. “Actually, I did. I couldn’t understand why it’s usually so large. It’s difficult to deliver a speech smoothly with so little text on a page. And besides…”

“Yes?” Margo asks.

“Well, flipping that many pages is very hard on a manicure.”

“Libby, when you’re ready to think for yourself, we’ll let you know. Let’s return to a 40-point font, shall we?”

Much later, the Minister says, “Margo, you don’t suppose any
one thought I was mocking the people from the Institute for the Blind?”

“Of course not, Minister. You could barely tell there was a problem.”

Margo, who is sitting behind me, hoofs the back of my seat.

I’m about to become a glorified roadie. During the Ministerial tour through the eastern townships, I’ll be part of the “advance” team that sets up the show. This could actually be fun, since Bill and Laurie comprise the rest of the advance, but with Margo, nothing comes easily. Bill and Laurie will drive ahead in a Ministry “limo” (a government-issue sedan), while the Minister flies from place to place in the tiny government plane. I really want to travel by car, but Margo apparently considers me “plane-worthy.” I’m certain this has less to do with wanting me on the plane than with
not
wanting me to have a good time in the car. It’s her “divide and conquer” philosophy.

This means Bill will often have to leave an event site, pick me up from the closest airstrip, and rush back to ensure all is ready for the arrival of the Minister. Meanwhile, Mrs. Cleary and Margo will stall for time in a separate car with a local driver so that they can make a grand entrance. It’s a pain in the ass for all concerned, but Margo has somehow convinced the Minister that it’s a sound strategy. It’s Margo’s special gift: she can dress up any stupid idea in flawed logic and present it as viable to the Minister. Since the Minister does not appear to be a fool, I assume she has her reasons for accepting Margo’s decisions.

We three roadies have prescribed tasks. Laurie will schmooze the event organizers and keep the kids calm. They’re always wound up at these events, even though they don’t have a clue who the Minister is. Bill and I are to make sure the auditorium is set up properly, and the sound system is working. My special job is to ensure that the podium is appropriately situated to display the Minister to good effect. Specifically, it must be low
enough so that she’s visible and properly positioned to allow the lights to gleam off her burnished locks.

My biggest challenge is that we require lecterns that accommodate an 8.5 x 14-inch folder, the standard being 8.5 x 11 inches. The Minister has decided, as a result of Project Diminishing Font, I presume, that her speeches will be printed on legal-size paper to get more 40-point text on each page. Besides, this way she’ll barely need to lower her head to read. Looking down is unflattering around the chin line and even having a prominent cosmetic surgeon as a husband cannot completely erase the effects of time.

Not that I’m totally insensitive on this score. My many years of rebound dieting foretell of early wattle. Maybe the Minister will grow to like me and give me a voucher for some cosmetic work in her husband’s luxurious clinic. I plan to age gracefully, but if the nip-and-tuck were a gift, well, it would be rude not to accept it.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Roughing it on the Isle

Hi Libby,

Bridget Wilkinson refused to come out of her trailer and shoot her scenes today. It all started when the local caterers assumed her request for turkey bacon was a joke. You don’t laugh at Bridget! The executive producer stormed over but despite all the yelling, Bridget never appeared on set. I know how much you love the Diva Report, so I hope you’ll still be able to access your e-mails during your trip.

Rox

P.S. I haven’t missed Gavin at all, which doesn’t bode well. I suspect I’ve seen the last of him and his mangy mutt.

I try reverse psychology on Margo with good results. Fearing she will forbid me to bring the laptop on our journey, thereby cutting off my electronic lifeline to Roxanne, I blithely announce my intention of leaving the computer behind.

“You must bring it,” she declares.

“Why?” If she weren’t staring at my shoulder, she’d surely detect the desperation behind the bravado. Rox e-mails often when she’s on location and I’ve been relying on the celebrity gossip more than ever lately to distract me from my woes.

“Because it will be useful, that’s why.”

“But I’ll have to carry it around and it’s heavy. It’s not like I need it to write speeches.”

“You’ll need it to revise the freelancers’ speeches.”

“Well, okay, but I have back trouble, you know.”

“You can get Bill to help you carry it, but I’ve made my decision.”

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Victory

Rox,

If they fire Bridget Wilkinson, tell your director I’m ready for my close-up. My superb performance this afternoon convinced Margo that it was her idea to bring a laptop along on our trip. I even managed to look annoyed and resentful when she put her foot down. It wasn’t much of a stretch, since it’s becoming second nature anyway.

Can’t say I’m surprised about Gavin. Country boys were never your type.

Lib

With the trip less than two days away, my worries about rooming with Margo haven’t diminished, particularly as her food issues become more obvious. We’re constantly being of
fered refreshments at events and on several occasions, I’ve caught her slipping food into her bag for later, presumably because she never goes home. Or maybe she lived through the Irish potato famine in a former life.

Today I catch her removing a plastic cup covered with a napkin secured by an elastic band from her briefcase (i.e., there was planning involved). In the cup are a dozen large shrimp in cocktail sauce. I recognize them from the buffet table at an event we visited hours earlier.

“Margo! You’re not going to
eat
those are you?” I say. “It’s salmonella waiting to happen!”

“Never mind!” she retorts, slipping them back into her briefcase and stalking out of her own office.

No wonder we have a rat problem. And no wonder her clothes are often a mess, with stains and her shirttail hanging out. The Minister frequently whispers, “Margo, your blouse…”

Still, as much as it pains me to admit it, Margo is actually quite attractive. What’s more, for all her compulsive eating and hoarding, she barely tips the scale at a hundred pounds. Maybe she could get me a similar pact with the devil. I imagine she has some pull.

“Are you drunk, Libby?” my mother asks when I call to tell her we’re shipping out at dawn.

“No, why would you say that?” I counter, scooping the ice cubes out of my glass so that their clinking won’t give me away.

“You seem a little withdrawn, that’s all. And you’re slurring.”

“I am not slurring.”

“You’d drink a lot less if you had Mrs. Bingham living next door, monitoring your recycle bin as she does mine.”

“I don’t drink enough to interest the Mrs. Binghams of the world. Worry about my chocolate consumption if you must worry.”

“You’ve been miserable since you started this job.”

“I’m fine,” I slur soothingly. “How’s Desdemona doing?”

“Desdemona? The Binghams’ poodle? Good Lord, she died in the ’70s!”

“Yeah, but they had her stuffed and standing by the fireplace last time I was there.”

“That was a decade ago. I’m sure they’ve thrown it out by now.”

“
Her.
Desi was a girl. Maybe they sold her at their garage sale last year.”

“I think I’d have noticed
that.
I’d have bought her for your father.”

“He could keep her beside his recliner.”

“Don’t suppose your diversionary tactics are working, by the way. They may work on your aunt Mavis, but they’re wasted on me.”

“Not if I’m sober, they aren’t.”

“So you
are
drinking!”

“Mother, you’d be into the bourbon too, if you were facing the week I am.”

“Never bourbon,” she says. “I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you fear. And when you get back, I’ll make some Nanaimo bars you can take into the office to sweeten Margo up.”

They’ll be just the thing to tempt her into the rattrap.

T
he Royal Tour is off to a majestic start. Witness this day in the life of the average political speechwriter.

7:00 a.m.: Libby arises immediately upon alarm, only to have tiny, fleet-footed Margo stampede by into shared washroom and slam door. Boots up computer instead and checks hopefully for e-mails from Rox.

7:30 a.m.: Showers while Margo throws personal effects into suitcase and races off to all-you-can-eat buffet at motel restaurant.

8:10 a.m.: Rushes into motel restaurant only to hear Margo announce there’s no time to eat—plane awaits.

9:00-10:00 a.m.: Another terrifying flight in the provincial crap can with wings.

11:15 a.m.: Arrival at public school. Royal entourage attends lengthy theatrical production of Harry Potter adventures, tours art and music rooms, and listens to choir recital (songs from
Lion King
). Lib smiles until gums dry out.

1:30 p.m.: Lunch in school cafeteria. Mix and mingle.

Highlight: Student, age 7, asks Minister,
“Do you work in a church?”
Minister looks annoyed.

Lowlight: Student, age 7, asks Libby,
“Are you pregnant?”

Result of Lowlight: Baggy sweater destroyed by sundown.

2:30 p.m.: Departure for school number two. As rare treat, Lib rides with Laurie (Margo evidently has top secret biz to discuss with Minister). School itinerary virtually same as before, except theatrical production is scene from
Free Willy.
Boy in black-and-white costume flops around the stage as Willy. Choir’s tunes are from
The Little Mermaid.

Highlight: Student, age 5, remarks to Minister,
“You smell.”

Result of Highlight: Minister grabs handbag and applies even more expensive cologne in staff washroom.

Lowlight: Whale child cited previously rediscovers arms and legs, snatches Ministerial handbag from chair beside Libby, and runs off with it. Lib pursues. Ruckus is sufficient to provoke Minister to whisper savagely,
“Lily, I would appreciate your attention during my remarks. You need to set an example for the students.”
Libby glares menacingly at purse-snatcher at snack time, noting nonetheless that Margo stashes two butter tarts in briefcase.

4:00 p.m.: Departure to Town Hall for glad-handing of boring local politicians. MPP, age 70, holds Lib’s hand too gladly and too long. Margo, generally so quick to interrupt, is nowhere to be seen.

6:00 p.m.: Arrival at Lakeside Inn, located not by a lake but a major highway. Margo promptly disappears. Lib skulks to Laurie’s room to make plans for dinner.

6:20 p.m.: Margo arrives at Laurie’s door, shifty-eyed with paranoia. Could Lib and Laurie be plotting mutiny? Lib blurts out that she is simply borrowing curling iron from Laurie, who promptly produces one. Returns to room to add fake ringlets to hair under Margo’s watchful eye.

6:30 p.m.: Margo decides that the Minister needs contact lens solution and sends Lib to town to buy it. Lib picks up submarine sandwich en route, dazzling “sandwich technicians” with curls.

9:00 p.m.: E-mail to Rox, bitching and whining.

10:30 p.m.: To bed, too exhausted to read.

11:00 p.m.: Margo crashes into room, turns on all lights. Consumes butter tarts with snuffling noises. Prepares for bed as loudly as possible.

12:00 a.m.: Lib lies awake listening to Margo snore.

Another day, another town, another school visit. It’s 7:00 p.m., and we’ve just checked into the Downtown Motor Lodge, which (surprise) is a twenty-five-minute drive from downtown anywhere. I feel at home immediately, because the rust, orange and brown decor is reminiscent of my parents’ basement. Having gained a small head start on Margo, I switch on the swag lamp and throw my things on the bed closest to the washroom. I’m stretched proprietarily across it when Margo crashes into the room and I smile innocently in response to her glare. There was a candy machine in the lobby; maybe I’ll curl up with a bag of pretzels and watch mindless sitcoms on TV. That’s about all I feel up to tonight. I hide the remote while Margo unloads her beauty aids in the washroom, then start digging through my wallet for change.

“So, Libby.” Damn. It speaks. “I’ve made some revisions to tomorrow’s speeches. I want you to input the changes and have them printed.”

I look at my watch pointedly before responding. “And where do you propose I do that, Margo? It’s almost 7:30 and we aren’t in the heart of a thriving metropolis.”

“It isn’t my job to help you figure out how to do yours. I’m sure you’ll find a way. I’ll be in Mrs. Cleary’s room if anyone needs me.”

I throw my shoe at the door as she closes it behind her. Okay, I wait a few beats first so she can’t hear the thud, but the act of defiance still makes me feel better. I input her changes, which, in my humble opinion as speechwriter/lady-in-waiting/flunky, were completely unnecessary, and head over to the motel office, computer disk in hand. My faint hope
that someone there can help with the printing flickers when I find Dwayne, the night manager, hunched over the front desk crafting a
Gents
sign with a wood-burning kit. But he surprises me.

“Sure, we have a printer, honey. Come on in.”

At this rate, I may even be able to catch the second half of
Will and Grace.
My heart sinks when I see the primitive piece of junk they call a printer. I explain politely that my disk is not compatible with their printer and Dwayne directs me to a place in town that can do the job. I collect the keys to the government “limo” from Bill, who’s ensconced in his room with a detective novel and a large pizza. He offers to come along for the ride, but fraternizing with Laurie is what set Margo off in the first place, so I decline.

During the drive, I imagine all the ways I could tell Margo to shove it. If the copy shop is closed when I arrive, I’ll head right back to the motel and compose a snotty resignation letter, I decide. Oh, right, no way to print it. Fortunately, the shop is open and I am soon on the road again, having surmounted another of Margo’s obstacles. Hard not to feel good about that! I perk up even more when the Golden Arches appear on the horizon— I
do
deserve a break today. And how nice to discover a new talent on my drive back to the motel… Like my father before me, I am able to eat a Big Mac with one hand and steer with the other. Since I’m starting to feel quite good about myself, I chant my affirmations between bites: “I am an accomplished speechwriter. I embrace my challenges with grace. I accept all the blessings the universe offers me.”

Then I wipe my mouth on my sleeve and burp. What the hell?

The extra duties Margo assigns me are obviously part of her scheme to isolate me and break my spirit. She wants me out, of that much I am sure, and if she sees me as a threat she must sense my potential. Well, bring it on, baby. I am not going anywhere because
I embrace my challenges with grace.

Full of renewed enthusiasm, I burst into our room, only to
find it empty. Well, if these speech revisions are so damned important, I’ll deliver them personally into the Minister’s hands. Maybe I’ll even convince her to rehearse them for a change.

When I knock at the Minister’s door, Margo’s dulcet tones ring out.

“Who is it?”

Ignoring the fact that it’s Margo, I carol out, “It’s me, Minister. I brought your revised speeches for tomorrow!”

“Is that you, Lily? For heaven’s sake, Margo, get up and get the door.”

“No problem, I’ve got it,” I call, pushing the door open and freezing at the sight of Margo on her hands and knees in front of the Minister.

“Well, come in, Lily,” says the Minister. “Don’t be shy.”

Flustered, Margo scrambles to her feet, dropping a bottle of black-cherry red nail polish in a cloud of cotton balls. I’ve interrupted a pedicure. The Minister, quite oblivious to Margo’s dismay, leans back in her chair, smoothing the feather trim of her diaphanous lounge outfit.

“Be careful,” she says as Margo stumbles over a pair of feathered mules. “Do you realize how much those shoes cost? Lily, what was wrong with the speeches?”

“Margo made a few changes and sent me into town to—”

“Some minor but critical edits, Minister,” Margo interrupts smoothly. “Libby was good enough to see they were made.”

“Thank you, Lily. I hope you got dinner?” Mrs. Cleary masterfully hoists a California roll to her mouth with chopsticks.

My jaw drops even further. Is she warming up to me? Or just warming up to the open bottle of wine on the table? And where the hell did they get that fine spread of sushi in this backwoods town?

“I did, yes, thanks.”

“Well, we have enough to spare if you’d like to—”

“Libby can’t stay. She has work back in our room,” Margo says, pushing me out the door.

“This little piggy stills needs polish, Margo,” the Minister says as the door closes behind me.

Speeches still in hand, I head back to our room, retrieve the remote from under the mattress and flick on the television. Only one channel is clear enough to watch and at the moment it’s running
Dukes of Hazzard.
I turn down the volume and call my answering machine. It would be nice to hear the voices of family and friends just now.

“You have no new messages.”

And the sun sets on another fine day.

Everything looks better in the morning—or so says my mother, the incurable optimist, who has never met Margo. Still, it is going a little better today. First, I was victorious in the shower wars, thanks to my proximity to the bathroom. I raced in the moment I heard her stirring, and then deliberately took twice as long as usual to style my hair. By the time Margo got her turn, Laurie was knocking on our door to warn us about checkout in ten minutes. Margo chose to spend the ten minutes shovelling scrambled eggs into her mouth and has therefore been running around without makeup, her wet hair drying in pleasing strings. We’re on the plane before she gets a chance to pull her cosmetic bag out of her briefcase.

Mrs. Cleary, who has been idly flipping through a decorating magazine during the flight instead of reading her speech, wrinkles her perfect little nose and exclaims, “Good Lord, what is that
smell?
”

At first, all I smell is her own cloying perfume, but then I detect an acrid odor. The Minister’s gaze is fixed on Margo, who is shrinking behind a green Clinique hand mirror, as she applies her eye makeup.

“Margo? Answer me, please.”

“I have no idea, Minister,” my roomie replies, looking guilty as she casually snaps the lid of her briefcase closed with her elbow.

“Open it,” the Minister commands.

“My briefcase? Why? There’s nothing in it but notes.”

“Let me see for myself,” says the Minister, more bemused than harsh.

“Why don’t I ask the pilot? It smells like chemicals.”

“Margo,
open your briefcase.
”

Margo clicks it open reluctantly to reveal a few date squares from Monday’s school visit, half a tuna sandwich of relatively recent origin and an ancient orange, molded almost beyond recognition.

“Eeeew!” the Minister and I exclaim in unison. “Get rid of that immediately,” the Minister adds.

Sheepish, yet defiant, Margo stashes her treasures in the plastic bag I hand her. The Minister turns to me and rolls her eyes dramatically and we both laugh. We are actually having “a moment.” I laugh even harder when I notice that Margo has only applied her makeup to one eye and is looking like a “before and after” picture. Unfortunately, the Minister notices too.

“Fix your makeup, Margo, we’ll be landing soon.”

I must look too happy, because she turns to me and says, “As for you, Lily, your eyebrows are unruly. Margo has her waxing kit with her and I recommend letting her help you with them.”

Margo pauses in the middle of her application of mascara to raise one penciled-in eyebrow at me over the edge of her mirror. How will I sleep tonight?

Today was the lightest day of the tour circuit and we move into Fort Everest’s Have-a-Nap Hotel by 4:30 p.m. I have rest and relaxation on my agenda, but thankfully, Margo is here to rescue me from that.

“What we really need, Libby, is a
scrapbook
of our trip and this would be a great project for you, since you’re so creative. I want you to get started tonight, while it’s all fresh in your mind.”

And there you have it, folks, the spirit-busting task of the day. I knew she’d punish me somehow for my beautiful moment
with the Minister, but this is an inspired move. I lack the “craft” gene and Margo knows it. Time to put my foot down, I decide. Skill with scissors and glue is not required of a speechwriter. I practice the words in my head: “Margo, I’ve worked some long days lately and I really need to take it easy tonight.” But when I open my mouth, waffle-talk trickles out.

“Well, Margo, I’m not sure if I’m the right person for a job like that. I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

Where’s my father’s legacy now? This is the man who once asked his boss,
“Would you like me to shove a broom up my ass and sweep as I go?”
Wait, he got fired from that job. Which explains why I soon find myself wandering the aisles of a local dollar store, filling my basket with art supplies from Margo’s list.

Back at the Have-a-Nap, I begin pasting photos, speeches and programs into the scrapbook. Running my glue stick across the pages is actually quite soothing and I don’t even mind when Margo pops her head in the door to let me know that she and the Minister are heading into town to see a late movie. Eventually, I become so relaxed that I’m forced to call it a night lest Margo return to find me glued to the table by my own bushy eyebrows.