Speed-the-Plow (4 page)

K
AREN
: . . . why is it garbage . . .? (
Pause.
)

G
OULD
: It's not all garbage, but most of it is.

K
AREN
: Why?

G
OULD
: Why. That's a good . . . (To F
OX
:) Why? (
Pause.
)

F
OX
: Because.

G
OULD
(
to
K
AREN
): Because.

F
OX
: Life in the movie business is like the, is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting fucked.

K
AREN
: But why should it all be garbage?

F
OX
: Why? Why should nickels be bigger than dimes? That's the way it is.

G
OULD
: It's a business, with its own unchanging rules. Isn't that right, Charlie?

F
OX
: Yes, it is. The
one
thing is: nobody pays off on work.

G
OULD
: That is the truth.

F
OX
: Everybody says “Hey, I'm a maverick.”

G
OULD
: That's it. . .

F
OX
: But what do they do? Sit around like, hey, Pancho-the-dead-whale . . .

G
OULD
: . . . huh . . .

F
OX
: Waiting for the . . .

G
OULD
: . . . mmm . . .

F
OX
: Yeah . . .? The Endorsement of their Superiors . . .

G
OULD
: Uh huh. Listen to the guy. He's telling you.

F
OX
: You wanna
do
something out here, it better be one of The Five Major Food Groups.

G
OULD
: Uh huh.

F
OX
: Or your superiors go napsy—bye. The
upside
of which, though, a guy . . .

G
OULD
: . . . that's right. . .

F
OX
: The upside . . .

G
OULD
: Hmm.

F
OX
: The
upside,
though . . .

G
OULD
: . . . Hmm.

F
OX
: The one time you
do
get support. ..

G
OULD
: . . . hey . . .

F
OX
: If you
do
have a relationship . . .

G
OULD
: Hey, Charl, kidding aside, that is what I'm here for. . .

F
OX
: Then, you can do something. (To K
AREN,
of Gould
:) This guy, Karen, this guy . . . the last eleven years.

G
OULD
: Forget it. . .

F
OX
: Forget? Bullshit. This man, my friend . . .

G
OULD
: Now we're even.

F
OX
: Oh, you Beauty . .. What's it like being Head of Production? I mean, is it more fun than miniature golf?

G
OULD
: You put as much energy in your job as you put into kissing my ass . . .

F
OX
: My job
is
kissing your ass.

G
OULD
And don't you forget it.

F
OX
: Not a chance. (
Pause.
)

K
AREN
: Sir:

G
OULD
: Yes.

K
AREN
(
Pause
): I feel silly saying it.

G
OULD
: What?

K
AREN
: I. . .

G
OULD
: Well, whatever it is, say it.

K
AREN
(
pause
): I don't know what to do. (
Pause.
) I don't know what I'm supposed to do. (
Pause.
)

G
OULD
: Well, that was very frank of you. I tell you what: don't do anything.

K
AREN
: Sir . . .?

G
OULD
: We'll call it a Bank Holiday. (
To
F
OX
:) Huh? Let's get out of here.

F
OX
: Good, let's get out of here.

G
OULD
: Huh?

F
OX
: Well done.

G
OULD
: And let's get out of here. (
To
K
AREN
:) Look in my book, and
cancel
whatever I've got today. Anybody calls, call me tomorrow. I'll be in tomorrow for my ten
A.M
. meeting with Ross.

F
OX
: Young America at WORK and PLAY.

G
OULD
: You get done cancelling my stuff, you can go home.

F
OX
: Where we going for lunch?

G
OULD
: Well, I figured we'd drop by the commissary, get the tuna sandwich, then go swishing by Laura Ashley and pick out some cunning prints for my new office.

F
OX
: Whyn't you just paint it with broken capillaries, decorate it like the inside of your nose.

G
OULD
: I may. I just may. So, lunch, the Coventry, in half an hour. (To K
AREN
:) Call the Coventry. Table for two, at One. Thank you. (
She exits. Pause. He sighs.
) First in war. First in peace. First in the hearts of Pee Wee Reese.

F
OX
: Lunch at the Coventry.

G
OULD
: That's right.

F
OX
: Thy will be done.

G
OULD
: You see, all that you got to do is eat my doo doo for eleven years, and eventually the wheel comes round.

F
OX
: Pay back time.

G
OULD
: You brought me the Doug Brown script.

F
OX
: Glad I could do it.

G
OULD
: You son of a
bitch
. . .

F
OX
: Hey.

G
OULD
: Charl, I just hope.

F
OX
: What?

G
OULD
: The shoe was on the other foot, I'd act in such a. . .

F
OX
: . . . hey . . .

G
OULD
: Really princely way toward
you.

F
OX
: I
know
you would, Bob, because lemme tell you: experiences like this,
films
like this . . . these are the films . . .

G
OULD
: . . . Yes . . .

F
OX
:
These
are the films, that whaddayacallit . . . (
long pause
) that make it all worthwhile.

G
OULD
: . . . I think you're going to find a
lot
of things now, make it all worthwhile. I think
conservatively,
you and me, we build ourselves in to split, minimally, ten percent. (
Pause.
)

F
OX
: Of the net.

G
OULD
: Char, Charlie: permit me to tell you: two things I've learned, twenty-five years in the entertainment industry.

F
OX
: What?

G
OULD
: The two things which are always true.

F
OX
: One:

G
OULD
: The first one is: there is no net.

F
OX
: Yeah . . .? (
Pause.
)

G
OULD
: And I forgot the second one. Okay, I'm gonna meet you at the Coventry in half an hour. We'll talk about boys and clothes.

F
OX
: Whaddaya gonna do the interim?

G
OULD
: I'm gonna Work . . . (Indicating his figures on the pad.)

F
OX
: Work . . .? You never did a day's work in your life.

G
OULD
: Oooh, Oooh, . . . the Bitching Lamp is Lit.

F
OX
: You never did a fucken’ day's work in your life.

G
OULD
: That true?

F
OX
: Eleven years I've known you, you're either scheming or you're ziggin’ and zaggin’, hey I
know
you, Bob.

G
OULD
: Oh yes, the scorn of the impotent. . .

F
OX
: I know you, Bob. I know you from the
back. I
know what you're staying for.

Gould: You do?

F
OX
: Yes.

G
OULD
: What?

F
OX
: You're staying to Hide the Afikomen.

G
OULD
: Yeah?

F
OX
: You're staying to put those moves on your new secretary.

G
OULD
: I am?

F
OX
: Yeah, and it
will
not work.

G
OULD
: It will not work, what are you saying . . .?

F
OX
: No, I was just saying that she . . .

G
OULD
: . . . she wouldn't go for me.

F
OX
: That she won't go for you.

G
OULD
(
pause
): Why?

F
OX
: Why? (
Pause.
)
I
don't know.

G
OULD
: What do you see . . .?

F
OX
: I think . . . I think . . . you serious?

G
OULD
: Yes.

F
OX
: I don't want to pee on your parade.

G
OULD
: No . . .

F
OX
: I mean, I'm sorry that I took the edge off it.

G
OULD
: I wasn't
going
to hit on her.

F
OX
: Hmmm.

G
OULD
: I was gonna . . .

F
OX
: You were gonna work.

G
OULD
: Yes.

F
OX
: Oh.

G
OULD
(
pause
): But tell me what you see.

F
OX
: What I see, what I
saw,
just an observation . . .

G
OULD
: . . . yes . . .

F
OX
: It's not important.

G
OULD
: Tell me what you see. Really.

F
OX
: I just thought, I just thought she falls between two stools.

G
OULD
: And what would those stools be?

F
OX
: That she is not, just some, you know, a “floozy” . . .

G
OULD
: A “floozy” . . .

F
OX
: . . . on the other hand, I think I'd have to say, I don't think she is so
ambitious
she would schtup you just to get ahead. (
Pause.
) That's all. (
Pause.
)

G
OULD
: What if she just “liked” me? (
Pause.
)

F
OX
: If she just “liked” you?

G
OULD
: Yes.

F
OX
: Ummm. (
Pause.
)

G
OULD
: Yes.

F
OX
: You're saying, if she just. . .
liked
you . .. (
Pause.
)

G
OULD
: You mean nobody loves me for myself.

F
OX
: No.

G
OULD
: No
?

F
OX
: Not in
this
office . . .

G
OULD
: And she's neither, what, vacant nor ambitious enough to go . . .

F
OX
: . . . I'm not saying you don't
deserve
it, you
do
deserve it. Hey, . . . I think you're worth it.

G
OULD
: Thank you. You're saying that she's neither, what, dumb, nor ambitious enough, she would go to bed with me.

F
OX
: . . . she's too, she's too . . .

G
OULD
: She's too . . . High-line . . .?

F
OX
: No, she's, she's too . . .

G
OULD
: She's too . . .

F
OX
: . . . yes.

G
OULD
: Then what's she doing in this office?

F
OX
: She's a
Temporary
Worker.

G
OULD
: You're full of it, Chuck.

F
OX
: Maybe. And I didn't mean to take the
shine
off our . . .

G
OULD
: Hey hey he sends the cross, he sends the strength to bear it. Go to, go to lunch, I'll meet you at. . .

F
OX
: I didn't mean to imply . . .

G
OULD
: Imply. Naaa. Nobody Loves Me. Nobody loves me for myself. Hey, Big Deal, don't go mopin’ on me here. We'll go and celebrate. A Douglas Brown Film. Fox and Gould . . .

F
OX
: . . . you're very kind . . .

G
OULD
: . . . you brought the guy in. Fox and Gould Present:

F
OX
: I'll see you at lunch . . . (
Starts to exit.
)

G
OULD
: But I bet she would go, I bet she
would
go out with me.

F
OX
: I bet she would, too.

G
OULD
: No, No. I'm saying, I think that she “likes” me.

F
OX
: Yeah. I'm sure she does.

G
OULD
: No, joking apart, Babe. My
perceptions
. . . Say I'm nuts, I don't
think
so—she likes me, and she'd go out with me.

F
OX
: How much?

G
OULD
: How much? Seriously . . .? (
Pause.
)

F
OX
: Yeah.