Spiralling Out of the Shadow (The Spiralling Trilogy) (6 page)

‘Was it good seeing your best friend again?’ Peter pulled into a car park outside a local cafe.

‘
Yes and no. She’s changed. She might come stay with us next year when you go to uni.’

‘
Can’t wait to get rid of me, hey?’

‘
I’d rather have you around more. But ...’ We ordered our drinks and found a seat. ‘Pete, why do you spend so much time at Phoebe’s?’

‘
Is this going to be one of
those
conversations? Perhaps you need to talk to Mum and Dad about the birds and the bees.’

‘
LOL,’ I said as I slid into a bench seat in the corner of the coffee shop. ‘But if they weren’t okay with Phoebe going into your room, why are they okay with you sleeping over?’

‘
I’m eighteen, an adult.’ He nodded to the waitress as she delivered our drinks. ‘You’ll get to make your own choices soon enough.’

‘
Do you think you’ll marry her?’ I sipped my hot chocolate.

‘
I’m way too young to make any decisions like that.’

‘
But you’re not too young to sleep together?’

‘
Tabbie ...’ Peter stirred three sugar sachets into his cappuccino. ‘You’re pushing the brother–sister relationship—’

‘
Why don’t you bring her round to home? I’ve only met her once.’

‘
Don’t tell anyone I told you ... but she’s scared of Mum and Dad.’

‘
Really?’ A giggle escaped my lips.

‘I know
. Who’d be scared of our parents, hey?’

I wondered if Mum and Dad really were okay with Peter sleeping at Phoebe
’s, or if they’d simply backed off because of his age.

During the
next week, Stephanie rang. Apparently she had lava running through her blood and stars in her eyes. Jason had turned up and it was back on. It had barely been a week since she’d left. She had it bad.

‘
You’re falling in love,’ I told her. ‘Careful, or you just might break your rule.’

‘
Remind me why we made that rule.’

‘
Are you saying you want to?’

‘
I just felt this crazy urge to wrap myself around him and oh ...’

I held the phone loose against my ear as she raved. The way she was talking I expected the next call to be
, “Guess what Tabbie ... we did it.”

‘
You know Steph, God wants us to wait.’ Whoa, where did that come from?

‘
What?’ She laughed.

‘
Well, hadn’t we both agreed to wait?’

‘
Whatever. Things change. I gotta go.’

I sat on my princess doona thinking about it for a long time after I
’d hung up. It was her decision to make. I’d meditated to clear my mind before, but this time as I closed my eyes I focused on God. 

I
s staying celibate the way you really want us to be? So God, if you are hearing me, could you watch out for Steph? She’s changed since she moved away and I don’t know what to do about it. Thanks.

I sat stil
l and quiet, tracing Cinderella’s hair with my finger. The strangest sense of peace spread over me, like a freshly washed white sheet. I’d never felt anything like it before. I took my calmness downstairs to the lounge room.

‘
Mum, can you tell me more about God?’

‘
Sure love, what would you like to know?’ Mum words came out with enthusiasm.

‘
Guess I’ll go somewhere else,’ Dad mumbled as he eased his way out of his recliner.

‘No
, love, no need to leave the room. Tabbie and I can talk about it another time.’ She nodded to me and smiled.

Da
d returned to his comfy chair. Our conversation had ended.

*~*~*~*

Since I had to stick with dancing for the rest of the year, I decided to enjoy it, even if it wasn’t my thing or my dream.

‘
Hey, do you still hang out with Danny?’ I asked Joey at rehearsals.

‘No. He’
s too busy with that church thing he goes to.’

‘
What? The youth group?’

‘
Yeah. Are you auditioning for the lead at the end of year concert?’ Joey looked me in the eye and then took two steps into a split leap. His compact physique enhanced his dancing.

‘
Yeah, maybe.’

‘You’
ll get it for sure,’ he said as moved towards me, leaning in a little too close.

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. No way. Stop flirting
, short dork! It was the funniest attempt at flirting I’ve seen. Where was Janet when I wanted to share the hilarity with her? But I remembered Suzie’s crush. Making fun of Joey would be wrong, oh so wrong.

Janet stormed in while we were warming up, in an over-the-top bad mood.

‘What’s biting your knickers?’ I asked.

She stretched her left leg. ‘
Dad just walked out.’

‘
What? Left your mum?’

‘
Yeah.’

‘
For good?’

‘I don’
t know.’ She changed legs and stretched again. ‘It’s not the first time. He’s come back in the past. I just wish they’d decide. I’m just so sick of their fighting.’

Now definitely wasn
’t the best time to be laughing at Joey.

After rehear
sals, Miss Skinner called out, ‘I nearly forgot. Auditions for the end of year concert will be held this time next week. Be on time if you want to have a go at it—including you, Janet.’

‘
Whatever,’ Janet mouthed with more attitude than a kid on TV.

‘
Aren’t you going to have a go at lead?’ I asked her.

‘
No, you can have it. I couldn’t be bothered. Don’t think I’ll even come in next week.’ Janet paused for a moment. ‘But hey, you’re dancing really well. Go for it.’

I
was
dancing really well. Better than ever before. Perhaps it was a blessing to have Stephanie leave when she did. By the time I reached home I was ready to take on the world. I asked Mum to take me to youth group.

*~*~*~*

‘I don’t like leaving you here by yourself,’ she said as she parked out the front. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come in?’

‘
I’ll be fine. I’m sure I’ll find Shelly straight away.’

There was no way I was about to let mum chaperone me into the building. I waved goodbye as I bumped the car door closed with my elbow. A slight tremor rolled down my spine, but I walked in anyway. My breath lodged itself on saliva in my throat
, choking me. I searched each group to find Shelly, Danny, anyone. But all I saw was a fuzzy blur ... I clenched my teeth, willing myself not to faint.

‘
Hi, is this your first time here?’ A sweet voice grounded my feet and kept me upright.

My breath resumed n
ormality, floating up and out. ‘No, I’ve been here before.’

The fuzzy blur stopped
. I pushed my shoulders back, super cool once again.

‘
I’m Priscilla.’

‘
Tabbie.’ I put my hand out to shake hers, but she didn’t see it, so I slipped it into my pocket.

‘So l
ovely to meet you.’ Priscilla twisted her long blond waves around her fingers as she looked up to me. She was tiny.

I pulled the sweetest smile I could muster.

‘Come over here. Let me introduce you.’

She took me to a circle of girls. Name after name, Priscilla pointed to each girl but I got confused by the time she finished
and couldn’t remember who was who.

My mouth started speaking before I could think.
‘I really like it here.’
Lame
.

‘
Yeah, it’s different, hey? Sure beats going to high school parties.’

‘
Yeah.’ I agreed, though I quite liked going to parties. The conversation rolled on and the subject changed. I listened with a smile and nodded, commanding my confidence to stand strong for the rest of the night.

When I saw Mum
pull up out the front I said goodbye. My cheeks ached from smiling all night.

*~*~*~*

Janet arrived on time for the end of year concert auditions, but only to watch. Suzie stayed away. For this audition, I attempted another one of Stephanie’s routines. I could never master it when she was here, but now that she’d moved, I wanted to give it a go. Nerves knocked my knees together while I waited. They called my name. I braced myself, took a deep breath and put everything into it.

As soon as I’d finished
I knew I had it. I’d done it again. I’d won the lead spot. I blissfully headed home, letting go of all the issues forever surfacing in my friends’ lives.

I rang Stephanie to share my excitement, but she wasn
’t there and didn’t return my call. I tried again the next night. No return call. I rang a third time to be told she was out.

‘
Argh!’ Talk about frustration.

The next day when I tried yet again, her mother copped an earful.

‘I’ve rung every day. Why isn’t she returning my calls? What makes her think everything there is more important than what happens here? Just get her to ring me back, Okay?!’ I hung up and took a deep breath. Would there be ramifications for that outburst?

‘Hi Tabbie,’
Stephanie’s voice dripped through the phone, soft and sickening.

My voice, on the other hand, boomed.
‘Hey, I’ve been trying to ring you all week.’

‘
Yeah, had a lot on,’ she whispered.

Something told me all was not good. I had to suc
k it up before I lost control. ‘You’re quiet tonight. Everything okay?’

‘
How are you? How’s Sydney?’

Did she just ignore my question? Things must be really bad.

‘Great. That’s what I’ve been ringing you about. I’m dancing lead in the end of the year show, though if you were here, of course you’d have it. But I’m so excited.’

Hmm
. No response. Was she even listening?

‘
And then there was the pink rat ... and it was doing cartwheels.’ I paused. She still wasn’t listening. ‘Yes, absolutely, and then the orange poodle joined in, right in the middle of rehearsals last night ...’ I stopped and waited.

‘
Yeah,’ she said, with no acknowledgement whatsoever.

‘
And I’m guessing you’ve stopped listening because there wasn’t a pink rat or orange poodle at rehearsals.’ It was actually funny. I’d caught her out big time.

‘
Oh, sorry, Tabbie. I’m the worst friend.’

‘
Forget it. I’m guessing by your quiet demeanour, that you have something to tell me.’

Her
deep breaths funnelled through the phone. Oh no. It hit me. She’d done it with Jason.

‘Oh
, you did it?’

Her wh
isper of silence told me, yes. ‘Are you annoyed with me?’

‘
Why would I be annoyed?’ But really, I kind of was. She was meant to wait. We were both going to wait.

‘
Disappointed?’

‘
No. Are you okay?’

‘
Yes, oh ... who am I trying to kid?’

‘
When, how?’ She was a mess and I was miles away.

‘
Last Sunday.’

‘
Was it good or bad?’ Wow, what’s it like?

‘
I don’t want to talk about what happened.’

It slammed me between the eye
s—what if she was pregnant?! The question of contraception was so loose in my thoughts I blurted it out. ‘Did you use something?’

‘
Like what?’

‘Like, a condom?’

‘He had one.’

So, he was prepared
. Most boys are. I couldn’t believe she’d actually done it. She really had changed. But it didn’t change the fact that she was still my best friend.

My shoulders ached after talking to Steph
anie.
God, what is it that makes us do crazy things?
Gee, what made me talk to God? Her news weighed me down. I wanted to ring her back again and try to sort her out, but instead I changed into jeans and a T-shirt and asked Mum to take me to youth group.

Shelly stood on the edge of a group and
waved to me as soon as I walked in. She dragged me around introducing me to Linda, Penny, Ina, Mia and Juliet. Another barrage of names turned into vapour, flew into my brain, and got lost in the grey. Shelly found another group of people and introduced more names until the band played and the general flow of people traffic took us into the hall.

More words of encouragement saturated my soul that night.
I’d been chosen by a greater being. I still wasn’t sure what continued to lure me into the youth group, but whatever it was, I wasn’t fighting it. The burden, the heavy weight that Stephanie had cast onto me earlier, had lifted.

‘
Why don’t you pop back here on Sunday morning?’ Shelly linked her arm through mine as we left the building.

‘
What? Come to church?’

‘
Yeah, it’s pretty much the same as tonight, just with families and everyone else.’

‘Thanks, I’
ll think about it.’ I waved goodbye and found Mum.

When my head hit the pillow, I blanked out until I was woken at midnight
with an uneasy squirming in my stomach. I shuffled downstairs to pour a glass of milk. Visions of Stephanie invaded my mind. She appeared like she was in a dream, but I was standing in the kitchen, wide awake. Visions of her taking dark paths instead of following the light wouldn’t leave me. The images replayed for the rest of the night while I tossed and turned.

I lay in bed
on Sunday morning as slivers of light crept across my doona. Again I thought of my absent friend. Whether Stephanie decided to move back to Sydney or not, I couldn’t see us being best friends like we had been. Our relationship had morphed into more of a sisterly phase. We were taking different paths. If I thought of her as ‘sister’, my frustrations decreased. This way I could still love her and respect her crazy choices.

I hoped my dreamy visions would never see the light of day. Stephanie would end up in an awful mess if she acted like she had done in my mind through the night. My quest now strengthened
—I needed to be there for her.

It was Sunday.
Shelly had invited me to pop in to their morning service. The warm glow that filled my insides whenever I went to youth group spread through me at the thought. Clueless as to what time the church service started, I showered, dressed and headed out to catch a bus.

A few cars were parked out the front and the church doors were still closed. I read the transfer stuck
to the glass. The service didn’t start for another hour, yet music echoed out through the crack in the doorway. The door wasn’t locked so I pushed it open and meandered inside to find the band doing a sound check.

When I couldn
’t find any familiar faces, I sat in the back row and listened to their beautiful music. It was similar, though the volume was a little softer than on Friday nights. This could very well be my home away from home. Or had I come home?

‘
Hey, you’re here early.’ Priscilla plonked herself down in the chair beside me.

‘I wasn’
t sure of the start time.’

‘Don’
t sit all the way back here. Let’s grab a coffee and then sit a bit closer.’

The auditorium soon filled up with an overwhelmingly large crowd. My heart thudded in my chest. Danny sat two rows in front of me. I stared at the back of his head while I listened to the preacher speak of grace and
favour. I didn’t see Danny as I was leaving. Not that I was looking for him.

That afternoon, Steph
anie interrupted my study time when she rang.

‘
Everything’s okay. Jason’s okay with not doing it again.’

‘
That’s great, Steph.’ Everything in me wanted to say,
don’t believe him
.

‘
Are you still annoyed with me?’ Stephanie’s voice was almost a whimper. ‘Do you think that God is angry with me?’

‘
Are you sorry?’ I asked.

‘
Yeah, you bet I am.’

‘
He’s a forgiving God.’ I repeated what the pastor had said that morning.

Steph sighed.

‘Hey, you know that youth group I took you to?’

‘
Yeah,’ she said, in a flat tone.

‘
I went to church there this morning.’

‘
Why?’

‘
Because. I really like it.’

‘
Did your family go?’

‘
No. I’ve made some friends there.’

‘
Mum reckons it’s just a church for those who don’t have a religion.’

Hmm
, no. Not really. My tongue fell hard against my teeth.

‘
I’m starting to think church and God are ancient and outdated anyway,’ Stephanie said.

‘
Can I pray for you?’ I hoped my offer hadn’t freaked her out.

‘If you think it’ll help me.’
Stephanie giggled. ‘Bye, chat soon.’

Good, she was amused. Better than
being angry.

P
lease watch over Stephanie. Keep her safe. Amen.

A
soothing warmth relaxed me as I opened my eyes. She was in unknown territory.

Catching me off guard, my green-envious-monster rose up again, wishing I had a boyfriend and hoping she
’d get dumped.

*~*~*~*

With Joey as my partner for the end of year ‘Show Dance,’ rehearsals weren’t too bad. Joey listened to my woes about Stephanie and helped me to encourage Suzie.  On the odd occasion when he did cross the friendship boundary, I promised him I’d land on his toes if he kept flirting. The alluring behaviour died down and I began to trust our friendship while his toes remained unbruised.

There was nothing quite like the thrill of when I ran towards Joey full pelt, like in the
“Dirty Dancing” final lift. Instead of just going straight up into an aeroplane flying position, I was to go up, pause, then slink over his back like a snake, grab his waist turning my body inside out to flip, spin, twirl and land on my feet right in front of him. After a million run-throughs, we were sure we’d perfected it. Every time I jumped my blood rushed, sending me into a natural high. From every angle in the wall mirror, we looked fantastic.

‘I can’
t wait to tell Steph. She’ll be so impressed.’

‘
Just concentrate or you might land on your head.’ Joey laughed.

‘Ha ha.’
I faked a belly laugh, grabbing for my stomach. 

‘
Okay.’ Miss Skinner clapped her hands. ‘One last time through tonight and we’re done.’

The music started. I knew every step so
well, I could have done the dance in my sleep.  Run full pelt, spring, rise, lean, grab, flip, spin and ... ouch!

Kerthump
.

‘
Argh!!!’

‘
What happened?’ Joey turned and rushed towards me.

‘
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ I curled up on the floor, rocking, holding my leg and foot.

‘
What did I do?’ he asked.

‘
Me ... stupid! I’ve twisted my ankle.’

It was bad.
Emergency room bad. Swollen to the shape of a soccer ball bad.