Spiralling Skywards: Falling (Contradictions #1) (11 page)

“I sorta like your lack of past experience. It turns me on.”

He took another step towards me, hands still buried in his pockets, but at least now he had a smile on his face.

“I don’t. What if I’m no good at it?” I whispered.

“Then I’ll teach you to be better.”

He stepped closer.

“What if I don’t like it?”

He was right in front of me.

“Baby, I’ll teach you to love it.”

His hot breath hit my ear and neck and goose bumps rippled out across my skin, making my scalp prickle and my toes curl. All traces of anger gone.

“But I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t let people in. I’ve never been in love, but at least I’ve never been hurt.”

His arms were around me in an instant. His lips on my face, my eyes, and neck.

“Don’t be scared, pretty girl. Don’t ever be scared. We’ll take it slow. Everything, all of it.”

His words and the look in his eyes matched in their sincerity, giving me no reason to doubt him. I’d never felt so secure and accepting of someone else’s feelings for me. He gave me a sense of self-worth that I’d never experienced before, and my chest and throat ached with the weight of emotion I felt.

Despite all of this— despite him and his words—there was still that voice. That ever-present little voice in my head. The one that had been put there by the selfish actions of my parents that told me I was undeserving and unworthy.

“I’ll teach you, bub. One day at a time, I’ll teach you everything that I know. And what I don’t know, we’ll learn together. I’ll hold you tight every step of the way, so please, don’t ever be scared.”

My emotions hit me like a tidal wave. Every self-doubt and insecurity were washed onto the shore of my naked soul, and for the first time ever, I let a man in and voiced my biggest fears.

“But I’m not lovable enough for people to stick around.” I had no clue the words would come out on a sob when I started to speak, but there they were. “People leave me, Liam. My dad left the moment he knew I was conceived and went running back to his wife. Then my mum, oh god, Liam, my mum.”

I felt like I would choke. It was as if the pain and emotion the words caused in my chest were living, breathing, tangible things that were escaping through my throat and out of my mouth.

“My fucking mother cared so little that she packed myself and Luke into a car to drive to a twenty-four-hour chemist so that she could get her prescription for Valium or Diazepam and her sleeping tablets filled. Getting her next fix of numbness was more important to her than the safety of her own children.”

I was gasping for air by the time I got the words out, my knees were week and my vision blurred. Panic began to set in.

I hadn’t had an attack like this in years, but this one was coming at me with force.

The sound of the cutting equipment, Luke’s voice telling me everything was going to be okay. He was singing. He sang a song to me and told me to keep my eyes closed. He would sing any song I requested, as long as my eyes stayed closed. I squeezed them shut. I squeezed and squeezed until my cheeks and my head ached. What did he sing? What the fuck did he sing?

“I can’t remember the song. What did he sing? I can’t remember. I can’t remember.”

I grabbed the front of Liam’s cardigan and held on for dear life as he lifted me and then sat down with me in his lap on the bed. He pushed my hair back off my face, stroking his fingertips across my cheeks as he rocked me in his arms, telling me everything would be okay.

“I’m here, Sarah. I’ll always be here. You don’t ever have to be scared again, pretty girl. I’m here, and I’ve got ya.”

I took deep breaths in through my nose and breathed them slowly out through my mouth. The whoosh of blood pounding in my ears began to quiet, and I knew if I opened my eyes, my vision would be back. I felt drained. Mentally, physically, on every emotional level, I was exhausted.

Feeling safe and secure in Liam’s arms, I kept my eyes closed and let the pull of sleep and dreams of neck-kissing husbands, big detached houses, and mangled cars claim me.

I scooted back
against the headboard with Sarah still in my arms. I held her tightly for a full ten minutes, making sure she was sound asleep before moving into a more comfortable position.

This was all my fault. I pushed her too far. I knew she was young, but I had no clue exactly how inexperienced she was. I also had no idea how much of a negative impact her parents had on her life. Her words kept playing on a loop in my head, her dad went back to his wife? Was she the product of an affair? How did that work? Did she and Luke have different dads? Fuck, my dad was an arsehole sometimes, but at least he’d been there. At least he was present, too present a lot of the time. As for my mum, I didn’t know how I would’ve managed without her growing up. Even at thirty, I still needed my mum.

Sarah had grown up without either. I wondered if she had ever met her dad, if he had ever played a part in her life. I couldn’t remember Luke mentioning him being around. This must be the reason her grandparents had stepped up. Thank fuck they had. I hated to even contemplate what might’ve happened if they hadn’t been around. Despite everything, she was lucky that Luke was a good bloke and he, along with their grandparents, had always been there for her. I wondered how young she was when all this happened, young I was guessing. No wonder Luke was so protective of her. All things considered, it came as no surprise really that they were so close, and here I was, putting her in a position where she was having to lie to him, where she knew
I
was lying to him.

Fuck.

I’d made promises I didn’t know if I could keep. My move to England was supposed to be temporary, a year, maybe two. However long it took to get the new business up and running.

In the space of four weeks, this girl had me spinning, buying houses, and promising a future, a forever. I wasn’t even divorced yet. I had a wife for fuck’s sake—a wife I’d conveniently forgotten to mention to Sarah.

I’d instructed my lawyers back in Australia to serve Olivia with divorce papers on the same day I left. I’d not heard anything from her yet, but I was expecting to any day now. She could fight me all she liked, but her adultery and our two-year separation were enough grounds to end things, which was exactly what needed to happen.

I had a new life in England now. Sarah was hopefully my future, Olivia my past.

Sarah turned her head slightly in my arms, mumbled something about someone named Kylie, and then licked her lips. Suddenly feeling way too warm, I pulled off my beanie and undid my cardigan. She let out a small sigh, and I pulled her tighter into my chest, overwhelmed by what I felt for this girl. My eyes roamed her face, memorizing every detail about her eyelashes, right down to the way they fanned out except for the very corners, where they curled right up. She had the prettiest eyes when they were open, the bluest blue. The image of a tiny little girl, barely walking with strawberry blonde hair and freckles on her nose hit me out of nowhere. Sarah’s little girl.

Our little girl.

A child.

Our child.

Olivia and I had never discussed children. Not once. Not even when other people brought up the subject. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body, and I didn’t want to bring a child into the world that would be moulded and manipulated to do her family’s bidding. Fuck that. Children were my sister’s job. I’d run the family businesses, but I wouldn’t be carrying on the family name. Yet, here I was only four weeks after meeting Sarah Carter, planning a future with her, making promises, and imagining what our children might look like.

My eyes moved from her lashes to her mouth, and I couldn’t resist the temptation, the pull, whatever it was, it overwhelmed me, drew me in and spat me out feeling eviscerated. I simply had no fight or resistance left in me, nor did I seek it out. I brushed my lips against hers and opened my arms and my heart to whatever emotions were about to come my way. She sighed at my kiss, and that was when I fell.

I thought I was prepared.

I had no fucking clue.

The ground opened up and swallowed me whole, consumed me. I fell to a place unknown to me. A place way beyond my comprehension. It was no longer about lust. My feelings had moved way, way beyond lust.

My chest tightened as I took a few moments to acknowledge that fact. I let it settle over me, I absorbed it and sucked it into my pores, I let it flow through my bloodstream and sink into my marrow.

She was inside me now, part of my DNA, and I had to fight the overwhelming need to cry as that realisation hit me and panic began to set in.

What the fuck?

I can’t do this.

This is not who I am. Not what I do.

This is not what I came here for.

I didn’t even know what ‘this’ was. I’d known her for four weeks. Four fucking weeks.

My head was screaming at me to run. Run far, far away, but my heart, my heart had my arse firmly planted on the bed with my arms tightly wrapped around the girl that was fast becoming the centre of my world, my whole fucking universe.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, it was on silent, but the vibration caused Sarah to stir but not wake. I’d never had an anxiety or panic attacks, I’d never even witnessed one, but I was pretty sure that’s what she’d had earlier, and I was pretty sure that they left the person feeling drained afterwards.

I actually didn’t mind if she’d stayed asleep all night. I would have gladly held on to her till my very last breath.

And what was scary was that the thought of holding on to her for the rest of my life didn’t scare me, whereas the thought of losing her left me terrified.

I must’ve fallen asleep too because the next thing I knew, we were lying wrapped around each other on the bed, obviously trying to keep warm as the room was freezing. I’d had all of the amenities switched on the day before, I just hadn’t physically switched on the heating. I’d been out and bought a kettle, toaster, and a coffee machine, as well as the bed and bedding, towels, and a fridge freezer, which would be delivered on Monday.

I was hoping that Sarah would come with me to pick out furniture. I looked down at her sleeping in my arms and knew that if moving my life permanently to England was what I had to do for this girl, then that was what would happen. Leaving her was no longer an option.

I slid out from beside her, found the cupboard containing the boiler and switched on the heat. It didn’t escape me that we could just go to her place once she woke up. After all, her place was empty across the road, but I didn’t want to go there. I wanted to keep her here. Somewhere that was ours that nobody else knew about yet.

We’d had zero privacy the previous four weeks. It had been years since I’d kissed a girl in my car or on their front doorstep and then gone home alone, but that was just the way it’d had to be. Luke was going to be home the following day, and we planned to tell him that we were together then. I had no clue how he’d take, it and to be honest, I didn’t care. I was falling fast for Sarah, and I’d tell him that. I needed to tell her about Olivia first, though. We were married on paper only, she hadn’t been my wife in years, if ever, so it was no big deal. I’d just rather Sarah knew the truth and that she heard it from me.

I found the keys to Sarah’s house in her bag and left her sleeping while I went across the road to her place. I gathered up her sweats and trackies she’d had on the night before and some toiletries from her bathroom. Then, right before I left, I tucked some milk, teabags, beer, wine, and some cups from her kitchen into my bag too.

The place was warmer when I returned. I put everything in the kitchen before going back to the bedroom where Sarah was just sitting up and rubbing her eyes. I sat on the bed and watched her as she blinked a few times and took in her surroundings. Then she covered her face with both hands and mumbled, “Oh please tell me that didn’t really happen earlier.”

“Yep, I really rented the place across from yours.”

She spread her fingers apart and looked at me through them.

“That wasn’t just a dream?”

“Nope, you’re here, tied to the bed of your very own stalker.”

She actually sat up further and moved her legs, just to be sure they hadn’t been restrained. She looked across to me and gave a small smile.

“Kidnapped and tied to a bed by my stalker sounds like a much better dream than the nightmare of me having a major panic attack in front of him.”

I wanted say something funny in response, but my sense of humour vanished when I saw the tears shinning in her eyes.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“One day, just not right now.”

“I’m here when ya do.”

“I know. Thank you and I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. Like I said last night, it’s been an intense few weeks, and I just added to the pressure today.”

We sat and stared down to where our hands had found each other’s. We remained in total silence for a few moments.

“So my stalkerishness levels increased exponentially while you were sleeping.”

The dimple appeared as she gave me a smile. “Stalkerishness? Is that even a word?”

“Yep, just check in the dictionary of New South Austria.”

The light spilling in from the street and the hallway allowed me to witness the way her smile lit up her eyes and banished the tears that had been threatening. It made me feel good that I was responsible for that.

“I might just do that. So what did your new-found stalkerishness levels lead you to do?”

“I went down your bag.”

“What? Why?

“To get the keys to your place, I raided your fridge for wine, beer, and milk; your pantry for tea bags, a bag of Doritos, and a jar of dip; and your bathroom for some toiletries and clothes. Oh, and while I was looking for your PJs, I found your stash of sex toys.”

“
What
?”

She almost took off from the bed, and her shriek actually hurt my ears.

“What did you do?”

What the fuck? Why was she panicking?

“You actually
have
sex toys?”

“If you’ve messed with Ronaldo and Adam, I swear to G, I’ll do you some damage with them.”

“They have names?”

“Oh my effin’ G.” She stared at the ceiling and shook her head. I wasn’t sure if she was crying again or laughing.

“You have sex toys. They have names. But you can’t bring yourself to say ‘oh my fucking god’?”

She shot me a look.

“I’ve sworn aloud more in the four weeks that I’ve known you than I ever have in my entire life.”

“Good to see I bring out the best in ya.”

She shook her head at me again.

“What did you do with them?”

“Who?”

“Adam and Ronnie.”

“Nothing. I was joking. I didn’t know you owned such things.
Why
do you own such things?”

“I have needs.”

“You have me.”

I felt jealous. They were battery powered bits of plastic or latex—at least that was what I assumed, I didn’t actually know about such things,—and yet I had this almost uncontrollable urge to smash them to pieces, jump all over them, run over them with my car, reverse, and do it again and again. Then, just for good measure, I wanted to set them on fire.

“Yeah, well. You’ve been part of the reason I’ve needed them so often lately.”

“Me?”

“Yeah you.”

“What did I do?”

“You just . . . Well. We haven’t done . . . And then when you kiss me, I-I—”

Her eyes darted everywhere except in my direction until, finally, they settle on me.

“Your kisses are amazing,” she said with a sigh, sounding almost reverent. I liked it. A lot.

“Yeah?”

I kicked off my shoes, pulled off my cardigan, and crawled on all fours towards her. She sat up straighter with her back against the headboard and pulled her knees up to her chest.

“Yeah. They . . . your kisses are everything, Liam. They make me . . .”

She trailed off as I reached her, grabbed her ankles, and yanked her down the bed. I crawled up over her body, nudging each of her legs apart with my knees and settling between them. As much as I wanted to grind my dick against her, she was wearing far too many layers, and I wanted this night to end with nothing between us. I wanted us to fit so tightly together that there wouldn’t even be room for a single atom.