Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship (24 page)

• Do you feel you have crossed the bar, of living from one storm to another and rarely finding a moment’s peace, to being totally secure and at rest in God’s love? Explain where you are on your journey to find home.
  

• What percent of the time do you feel you are subject to God’s mission, and what percent of the time are you subject to your own?
  

• What is preventing you from making God’s mission—receiving His love and giving it away—the top priority of your life?
  

• Have you taken the first step of accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior, or do you feel you need to make that decision today?
  

• In what ways do you feel you have placed your work, ministry, or hobbies above intimacy with your spouse, children, parents, or others?
  

• Describe one way that the fear of trusting, fear of rejection, or fear of submitting to God’s love has hindered intimacy (in-to-me-see) within the last week with one or more of your family members?
  

• What one thing can you begin surrendering to God this week in order to allow His love to begin displacing your independence or fear of intimacy? What steps can you take to do so? Would you want one of the people in your small group to help hold you accountable in an area this week?
  

• What memories come to mind during the time you first began closing your heart off from a mother or father? What emotions were you experiencing? How did you feel at that time?
  

• Would you pray a prayer right now to forgive a mother or father for their inability to nurture, comfort, affirm, or protect you?
  

• Do you close your heart today to people you feel are not honoring or agreeing with you? If so, describe what you are feeling inside and how you respond to them.
  

• What counterfeit affections (possessions, passions, position, people, places, or power) have you struggled with in your search for comfort, acceptance, affirmation, and value?
  

• Talk about a time when God placed someone in your life to be a mentor or confidant to you, but your orphan thinking was not able to receive them. What do you think it has cost you or your family for you to have rejected that relationship?
  

• Whose son or daughter are you today? Not to your natural parents, but who do you look to that speaks admonition and correction into your life and relationships?
  

• If you cannot think of anyone, what do you think is the root reason within you as to why there is no one in your life to help you personally (one-on-one) to grow and mature?
  

• Would you be willing to allow someone to begin mentoring you in your Christian walk and relationships? If so, who do you think is mature enough for you to respect and to receive admonition from?
  

• Do you feel like a servant or slave who gets up each morning wondering what you have to do to please the
  master today? Or do you feel like a son or daughter who arises each morning feeling fully loved and accepted in the Father and who can’t wait to give His love away to the next person you meet? Describe why you feel that way?
  

• Are you able to honor a “big fish” (those who have power to benefit you) but have great difficulty honoring “little fish” (those who cannot benefit you)?
  

• Within the last week, what ways have you bestowed gifts of honor upon a little fish? What was their response?
  

• What three little fish do you know who are in great need of feeling valued and affirmed by somebody? What can you do within the next week to bestow a gift of honor upon them?
  

• Ephesians 6:2-3 tells us that when we honor our parents in a specific area of their lives, that area of life will also go well for us. Conversely, when we do not honor a certain area of their lives, it will not go well for us in that area. What destructive patterns have you seen in your parents that you now see at work in your life or relationships?
  

• Have you said to yourself, “I’ll never raise my children the way my parents raised me”? In your parenting or as a spouse, are you reproducing those areas in your own life, in spite of any declarations that you’ve made? If so, in what way?
  

• Do you see areas in your life where you have brought hurt, disappointment, or wounding to one of your parents? Have you asked them for forgiveness (practiced the ministry of restitution) without seeking to blame them for your actions because of their negative behavior?
  

• Is your heart open to your mother or father? Or has it remained closed, rejecting them before they can reject you, thus seeking to protect yourself from further hurt or disappointment?
  

• Hebrews 13:17 tells us that if our leaders cannot think of us with joy, it is not profitable for us. When your name comes to your employer’s mind, does he think positive thoughts of you because of the integrity, loyalty, and service that you have given to the company? If not, why do you think that is?
  

• Would your pastoral leaders think of you with joy for the heart of service and commitment that you have in your local church? If not, why do you think that is?
  

• What changes can you begin to make this week that will begin to sow loyalty and integrity toward authority?
  

• Do you think you need to go to one of your authorities and practice the ministry of restitution with them?
  

• Discuss the area of your thought life that tends to drag you down the most. What areas of your thoughts are most often in agreement with orphan thinking? What is preventing you from displacing those thoughts with thoughts of God’s love toward you?
  

• Who put up with you during your years of “teenage thinking”—when you valued others for what they could do for you and not for relationship? Talk about your relationship with them and what they have meant to your life through the years.
  

• Who helped you mature and grow spiritually? What have these people meant to your life? Do they know how much you have valued their input? Do you need to apologize to them for anything? Do you think you should write a letter of thanks and appreciation to them for all they have sown into your life?
  

• What three ways can you express gratitude and honor to them over the next three months for what they have poured into you? How can you make what is important to them important to you?
  

I
f our actions or attitudes have brought hurt to another person, there may be a need to go to that person and make right any wrong to break the destructive patterns in our relationships. Although God forgives us for each specific wrong the first time we ask, we may continue to reap what we have sown; so, in order to break that cycle and begin restoring trust, it is often necessary to make every effort to bring healing to others and to seek to restore the fractured relationship. Even if we feel the other person is 98 percent wrong and we are only 2 percent wrong, we are 100 percent responsible to walk in forgiveness and repentance for our 2 percent (see Matt. 5:22-26).

It may not be enough for another person to forgive you. You may still carry unconscious guilt or shame for the offense and have a need to ask for forgiveness to be free. There can also be a block in the relationship until you acknowledge to them that you have wronged them. The other person may have forgiven you, but trust has been violated. Until you acknowledge your offense, it is difficult for them to trust you again because forgiveness and trust are
two different things. You will then either respond with self pity (feelings of sorrow over our suffering) or repentance in action that begins to rebuild trust with those who were offended (see 2 Cor. 7:9-11).

Self-pity
seldom leads to transformed behavior or restored relationships.

• It diminishes, in our eyes, the gravity of each sin we commit against love and honor toward others.
  

• It hinders godly repentance when we feel that life has not been fair with us and believe that others are the cause of our frustrations. Thus we do not look to God but people to meet our need.
  

• It places the primary fault upon others for relational conflicts because we feel that we have been treated unfairly.
  If they would not have done that to me … or … If only they would have done this for me, then life would be better and I would not be forced to act in such a way!
  

• It excuses our negative attitudes by seeing the weaknesses in others and feeling that our rightness justifies our judgmentalism or actions.
  

• It attempts to persuade others to feel sorry for us and to acknowledge that we have been treated unfairly (defilement) thus strengthening the stronghold of self-pity within.
  

• It may try to compensate for our relational failures with increased hyper-religious activity, aggressively striving to earn self-worth or acceptance, or we may take on a false sense of responsibility and place all the blame upon ourselves for relational conflicts thus denying others the opportunity to deal with their own issues.
  

• It often leads to others feeling manipulated or demeaned by closing our heart to those who will not come into agreement with our self-pity, thus leaving others feeling that they have little value or honor in our presence.
  

• It may result in hidden anger at our feelings of loss or unmet expectations. This increases our blame toward others and results in deeper feelings of anger, insecurity, shame, isolation, apathy, self-condemnation, addictive compulsive behavior, and/or depression.
  

• It leaves us dissatisfied at work, church, and at home, and we want to escape to a place where we can find rest.
  

On the other hand,
godly repentance
always involves action. It is not just emotions and tears.

• It is to be so grieved at the wounding and stress our actions and attitudes have brought to others that we are now willing to humble ourselves and do whatever it takes to restore healthy relationships.
  

• It comes to hate the destructive habit patterns that have misrepresented God’s love and grace to others.
  

• It becomes more concerned with others’ needs than our own pride and walls of self-protection.
  

• It is willing to lay down the need to be right in order to see healing in those whom we have hurt or offended.
  

• It chooses to walk in openness and transparency, and willingly comes forward and acknowledges our sin against love and how we have hurt or offended others.
  

• It does not seek to make excuses, seek to put the blame on others, or diminish the depth of our self-deception or fear of intimacy with which we have struggled.
  

• It takes the focus off ourselves (self-pity) and begins to focus our energy upon humility, confession, forgiveness, repentance, and healing the pain that we have caused others.
  

1.
Ask God to reveal to you each way you have brought hurt or offense to another person
(see Ps. 139:23-24).

• What is the basic offense? How did you demean, devalue, dishonor, or hurt that person?
  

• Ask the Holy Spirit to bring conviction and repentance to each individual issue (see Rom. 2:4).
  

2.
Ask mature spiritual leaders who know you personally to speak admonition into your blind spots
.

• Review with them the offenses that you have noted (see James 5:16; Eph. 4:15).
  

• Give them permission to speak the truth in love to you, about what they have seen in you that could be perceived as offensive or defiling.
  

• 3. Ask for input as to how you can approach the offended person and bring restoration to the relationship.
  

3.
Ask forgiveness for how your immaturity, attitudes, actions, or neglect has caused hurt or offense
.

• Be thankful for this opportunity for growth. God is using this situation to help expose hidden destructive habit patterns and to bring them to death.
  

• Call on the phone to schedule a meeting with the offended party. A letter is not the best way because it does not give opportunity for them to respond, plus it documents instead of removes the offense. Approach them with humility and respect.
  

• Schedule the meeting during the best time of day for them. Allow plenty of time to discuss the issues.
  

• Begin the meeting by telling the person that God has been revealing to you how your attitude and actions have misrepresented God’s love to them. Example: “God has brought to my attention how wrong I was (tell them the basic offense without going into detail). It would mean a lot to me if you would forgive me. Will you forgive me?”
  

• Do not go into too much detail, thereby giving the enemy something to work with and an opportunity to stir up bitterness, resentment, or defilement in the other person.
  

• Do not expect them to forgive you. They may, but do not require it, as it does not always happen.
  

• At this time, do not mention their faults. Just take ownership of your own. (Later, if your spiritual authority thinks it wise, and some trust is restored with the person, you may go to them about hurts you have received from them.)
  

  Do not try to diminish your offense by blame-shifting, justifying your behavior because of past hurts, or try to make an excuse because you were having a bad day. That only serves to diminish godly repentance. Take
  full ownership of your dishonor and misrepresentation of God’s love.
  

• Ask the person if there are other areas they have personally seen that have brought offense to them or others. Ask forgiveness and apologize for each area they mention.
  

• You may want to do this individually with each family member you may have offended or defiled.
  

• If your attitudes or actions have brought offense or defilement to the whole family, workplace, or church, then after you have gone to them individually, you may want to gather the group together and ask them corporately to forgive you and to give you grace while you are attempting to make some changes in life.
  

4.
Ask the spiritually mature person, to whom you are accountable, to meet with you weekly or monthly
.

• Be sure that this individual is mature and is not afraid to speak the truth in love to you and that they do not come into agreement (defilement) with the issues you are having with others, but that they know how to help you judge yourself in each matter (see 1 Cor. 11:31).
  

• Discuss any other blind spots that are being exposed and have them pray with you over issues.
  

• Ask them how you can grow and mature relationally.
  

(A much more in-depth understanding of the importance of resolving conflicts is available in my CD audio series, “Would You Rather Be Right or Have Relationship?” Information on this subject can be found in the back of the book.)