Splintered Memory (38 page)

Charlie walked in
side and went and sat down on the sofa.

“I had sex with your husband there
,” Emily said cruelly. She also felt the immediate gratification of seeing Charlie flinch at the image that must have formed in her mind.

“I hope he was good
,” Charlie said smiling.

“He was
,” she said.

Charlie smiled again
, but Emily was irritated to see that it wasn’t a cold smile or a sarcastic smile. It was instead the smile of a wiser older sister, who was looking fondly at a younger sister and knowing that she was being immature and deciding to ignore it.

“I’m not going to stay long. So if you want to punish me for trying to talk to you by responding with constant appraisals of my husband’s sexual prowess,
” Charlie said; “well then I guess that’s your prerogative.”

Emily felt embarrassed, and she hated that Charlie had made her feel like a small child.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie said making Emily look at her in surprise. “I shouldn’t have said that, it’s just I’ve been struggling with a lot of things in the past few months since I discovered everything that Matt did after I left. I’m so sorry that you’ve gotten hurt by everything, but I just wanted you to know,” she paused and Emily saw her take a deep breath. “That is what I need you to know is, I’m more grateful to you than I’ll ever be able to properly say for you having looked after him.”

“I didn’t look after him for you. I looked after him for me
,” she said and she was annoyed at hearing her own voice shake. She could also feel tears prickling in the corners of her eyes.

“I know
,” Charlie said. “I’m glad you loved him enough so that you could save him from himself.”

“Love,
” she retorted; “not loved.”

“I know
,” Charlie said again. “I wouldn’t have come between you, and you should know that. You were my friend, and I’d never threaten another friend’s happiness. I walked away when I first found out, did you know that? I left you to be together. I wanted you to both have a chance at happiness.”

“Friend
,” Emily said sceptically.

“I haven’t known you as long as my other friends, but I d
id consider you to be a friend. I certainly never meant for you to get hurt. I never intended to trade your happiness for mine,” Charlie said.

“Your friend hurt me
,” Emily said.

“She did
,” Charlie conceded knowing that Emily was referring to Claire. “But then Claire’s loyalty was always to me. I’m not going to condemn what she did because it led to Matt finding out the truth, which led him back to me. I just wanted you to know that I miss our friendship, and that I’m sorry that you’ve been so badly hurt in all of this. If it was anyone other than my husband that had hurt you this way, I’d threaten to kill or castrate him for you,” she added smiling.

Emily felt her tears overwhelm her, and the months of pain and loneliness were all finally too much for her to bear. “I really love him
,” she said.

Charlie held her hand with both of hers and said; “I know. I’m so sorry.”

She shook her head embarrassedly, and to her absolute amazement Charlie pulled her into a hug. Her first reaction was to pull away, but she didn’t. The sincerity of Charlie’s gesture and hug made her cry even more, which in turn made Charlie hold her more tightly. Yet she was mortified when she did pull herself off Charlie’s shoulder a few minutes later and saw that Charlie’s top was sodden.

“Sorry about your top
,” she said blowing her nose.

“Who cares
,” Charlie said not even looking at it. “Feel better?”

“A little
,” she said honestly.

“Sometimes you just need a good cry. Sometimes it’s just a good drink
,” Charlie said.

“Did he use me
?” She asked.

“No
,” Charlie said.

“Was I a rebound
?” She asked.

“No
,” Charlie said again. “The other women were. He used them as a distraction, but with you I think it was different. He needed you. He trusted you, and I think – and this isn’t a particularly easy thing for me to admit or say to you, he fell in love with you.”

Emily looked shocked, and she stared at Charlie with a bewildered expression on her face.

“You got him clean. You made him feel like himself again. You made him feel happiness again. He wouldn’t have let you in so far if he hadn’t fallen for you in one way or another. He won’t admit this to you, or to me, or probably even to himself. But honestly, that’s only because he can’t stand the guilt over what he sees as a massive betrayal to me. If he hadn’t found out about me, I think that you’d have probably stayed together and been happy for a long time. You shouldn’t hate him. You should hate me,” Charlie said.

“I do
,” Emily said bitterly.

“If things were reversed,
” Charlie said smiling again; “I’d hate me too.”

Emily said nothing, and she didn’t return Charlie’s smile.

“I used to think that Matt was mine. Like he somehow belonged to me because of how long we’d been together, or because of how long I’d known him. I think that’s why I never felt jealous when he flirted with you, or with other women. But after everything that’s happened, I can see now that I never owned him and I’d never want to. He can, and will do whatever he wants or needs to. But the thing is he loves me and he wants to be with me, and I love him and I want to be with him too. It’s not just about our history, although that’s a massive part of our lives, it’s about how we still feel about each other,” Charlie said as she got up from the sofa.

“Where are you going
?” Emily asked.

“I can see that I’m wasting my time. It was too much for me to expect that we could be friends again
, I see that now. Plus I came here to say that I’m sorry that you got hurt. You didn’t deserve that. I also wanted to thank you for keeping Matt safe and healthy when I couldn’t,” Charlie said; “and I’ve done that now.”

“You broke him you know, twice! First by nearly dying,
” Emily said; “and then by not knowing him.”

“I know
,” Charlie replied sadly.

“When he came out of rehab, his counsellors told me to listen out for when he was talking in his sleep. Do you know why
?” Emily asked.

Charlie shook her head confusedly and said; “Matt doesn’t sleep talk. He never has.”

“Not when he’s with you apparently, but when you’re not there he searches for you in his sleep. When he’s really tired, or he’s been thinking about you in the day, it makes him restless in the night. The number of nights he woke me up by calling out for you,” she said looking at Charlie and wishing that she hadn’t let her into her flat.

Charlie didn’t say anything, and Emily thought that she looked like she was feeling guilty.

“That’s why he started self medicating initially, because he couldn’t get enough peaceful sleep without taking tablets,” she said pausing and looking away from Charlie. “When the sleep talking got more constant that’s how I knew that he was struggling again, and that he needed to go to a meeting. But that’s how he stayed clean, because I was there with him every night. I kept him off the drugs, but why? So he could keep searching for you in his dreams,” she said angrily.

Charlie looked like the wind had been knocked out of her, and her face had gone incredibly pale. Emily suddenly didn’t feel vindicated by what she’d said, and instead
she just felt guilty. 

“You need to sit down. I’ll get you a glass of water
,” she said.

Charlie sat down and took the glass that Emily offered her a moment later, but she didn’t drink from it. She instead looked at Emily with tear filled eyes and said; “I wish I’d died in the crash.”

“You don’t mean that,” Emily said irritably.

“Sometimes I do,
” Charlie said; “and I really did used to in the months after the crash when everyone around me wanted the old Charlie back. But since my memory’s come back, and since Matt’s been back in my life, I’m grateful everyday that I survived. But when I learn what I’ve done to other people; to you, to my friends, and especially to Matt, the more I feel like it would’ve been fairer and perhaps easier on everyone if I had just died in the crash.”

“Charlie, he turned to drugs because you left him. If you’d died, how would he have coped then? If you’d died
,” Emily said seriously; “you’d have all but signed his death certificate.”

“I’m so sorry Emily
,” Charlie said and Emily to her own surprise hugged her.

Charlie cried, and then Emily cried, and then they both laughed.

After they’d stopped laughing, Charlie let her talk for almost an hour about her fears and neuroses while she’d been with Matt and about how she’d been coping since they’d broken up. Charlie had listened and sympathised, and when Emily had finally finished talking she’d even wiped the tears from off her cheeks with a tissue for her before hugging her again.

“Why are you so nice
?” She asked.

Charlie laughed and said; “I’m always nice to my friends. Good friends are few and far between.”

“How can we be friends after everything that’s happened? You’ll never be able to invite me anywhere where Matt is,” she said feeling a little down heartened at her own realisation that she couldn’t possibly have a friendship with Charlie again.

“The hell I won’t. You’re my friend, and if you’re in my life he has to accept that. He’ll live. He’s hated Claire for decades! Not that he hates you
,” Charlie added quickly as Emily smiled.

“Friends
,” she said with a raised eyebrow as Charlie looked at her and smiled earnestly. “Okay, let’s be friends again,” Emily said smiling.

Charlie stayed for
another couple of hours, and Emily talked to her about everything including her relationship with Matt. She guessed that it couldn’t have been easy for Charlie to listen to this, but she did and Emily felt better for being able to confide in someone. She felt better about being able to be open with someone again, and she only stopped talking when she was interrupted by Charlie’s mobile which had just started ringing.

“Hey
,” Charlie said. “No I’m not at home, I’m at Emily’s.”

She held up her phone so that Emily could hear the reaction on the other end of the line.

“I’m coming straight round,” Matt said making both Charlie and Emily laugh as Charlie hung up.

“He’ll be mad with me
,” Charlie said.

“Why
?” Emily asked. “Does he hate me that much?”

Charlie rolled her eyes
and said; “he doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t know how to deal with you. Dealing with you means dealing with his guilt about me, and that’s not something he wants to have to do.”

She
didn’t say anything. She was suddenly feeling very nervous at the prospect of seeing Matt in her flat again. She was also feeling very conscious about the fact that she had just spent the past couple of hours crying, and she knew that it was likely that her face was all blotchy and tear stained.

The atmosphere changed in the room
after the call, and Emily felt sure that Charlie must have been wondering the same thing that she was. How was this all going to work out once Matt arrived?

Emily
couldn’t help thinking that Charlie was foolish to put herself through this kind of emotional turmoil just to salvage a friendship with her. Charlie really was just too nice she thought, and she understood why Matt wanted to be with her.

The
knock on the door brought the reality of the situation home to Charlie. She knew she’d done the right thing in coming here and making the peace with Emily. She knew that she owed Emily more than she could ever repay her, and she was glad that they were friends again, but seeing Matt with her wasn’t going to be easy. Hadn’t Emily said they’d had sex on this sofa she asked herself? Would he be thinking about that she thought? Was Emily? Stop she told herself.

“Hey
,” Matt said as he came into the flat and walked straight over to where she was sat.

He gave her a kiss on the cheek, and this temporarily distracted Charlie from her thoughts which she was gr
ateful for. Yet as she stood up she couldn’t help but visualise him and Emily having sex. She couldn’t help but picture him kissing Emily as they undressed each other, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d made her dig her nails into the backs of his shoulders the way that she did when they had sex.

“Hey
,” she said forcing herself to stop wondering things she knew that she never wanted to know the answer to. “Shall we all sit down,” she said to him and Emily.

They nodded, but as they all sat she felt a sharp pain in her stomach and
she winced slightly.

“What’s this
about?” Matt asked Emily, not seeing Charlie’s face contort momentarily as another pain shot through her stomach.