Spoiled Secrets (23 page)

Chapter 26

              It’s been months since my release from the hospital, four and a half months to be exact.  Every single month was used for healing mentally and physically.  I suffered many injuries from that dreadful night.  I have scars that are daily reminders of the horrors that I endured. 

              I sustained a laceration to my forehead, which needed twenty stitches to close.  The attack left me with three cracked ribs from his booted vicious blows, a broken ankle, tearing to my rectum and plenty of bruises.  Those are just the physical injuries.  My mental injuries were much worse.  My mental could not be fixed by a simple cast or stitch.  No, let’s just say, I have a weekly standing appointment with a psychiatrist to help me through my many issues.  At first, I was adamant of my choice not to see a shrink.

              It took over a week for me to be medically released.  Actually, I was released from the hospital forty-eight hours after I gained consciousness.  I was then transferred to the psych unit for evaluation.  It’s universal, it seems it is highly frowned on when one tries to take their own life, no matter what horrific events pushes you to your breaking point. 

              I was closely monitored and put on suicide watch.  I told the doctors numerous times, that I would never try to kill myself again.  To them, I was one of many in a place where many have tried to extinguish their own flame.  So, I quickly learned to shut my trap and play the hand I was given.  Before I made up my mind to shut the hell up, I made the mistake of telling the doctors that it was a simple act made out of desperation and despair. 
Bring on the meds!

             
The assholes thought I was going to go all “Hail Mary” and slit my throat at a moment’s notice. Then the questions came. 
How do we know that the next time you find yourself in a desperate situation, you won’t try to slit your wrist again?
The doctors asked questions, trying to unlock my many secrets, but those thoughts, those memories are locked behind the strongest of locks.  Heaven help me, no one is privy to the horrors of my life, especially people I don’t know.  When I’m good and ready there is only one person who I will unlock that vault for. The last time I looked his name does not have “Dr.” in front of it.

              Next, came the questioning from our fine boys in blue. 
What time did you leave the club?  Do you have any known enemies?  Why did you decide not to enter the home from the front door?  Are the motion light typically turned off at night?  Did you recognize your attacker?

             
I know…I Know!   I should have spilled the beans.  I should have pointed the police right in my father’s direction.  But, something kept whispering in my mind that it wasn’t the right time for my reveal.  So, mum is the word for the time being. 

              After so many questions and so many side glances, who would willingly volunteer for more?  My reaction to anyone’s suggestion regarding me seeing a shrink was, HELL NO!  A week in that freakish facility was enough therapy for me.  Thank you, but hell no, please pass the next dish called, moving on with my life, please.  Unfortunately,
moving on with my life
, were empty words for me, my issues ran deep.

              One of the rules moving into Chase’s home set by Mrs. Mitchell was that, Chase and I must sleep in separate rooms.  My room was located upstairs next to Gloria’s (Mrs. Mitchell) room.  Sadly, the rules were tested, failed and soon changed.  After the first week in my new home, surrounded by my new things, sleeping in my new room…all alone, all hell broke loose.  At night in the darkness it seemed as if the shadows took on a familiar shape…a familiar face…the night terrors began.

              Blood curdling screams were heard throughout the house.  That second week was pure hell for me.  At some point, Chase got fed up with running up and down the stairs to vanquish my phantom attacker, he started sleeping on a pallet outside of my room door.  This went on for four days.  On the fifth night I couldn’t stomach sleeping in my room alone.  I stayed up until everyone in the house was asleep, creeping on silent feet into the hallway I crawled under the covers with Chase.  I needed his strong protective arms around me.  I needed to feel safe, safe enough to get a few hours of sleep to remove the bags from my eyes which had developed from my many restless nights. To both our surprise my phantom assailant did not show that night.

              The next morning Chase and I were both scolded by his mother. We’ve assured her plenty of times that there is no hanky panky going on nor, have we ever taken that last step in our relationship.  She did not believe us.  She wanted to know if I was on some sort of contraception. 

              I was more than a little embarrassed.  First of all, who could think about any sort of sexual act when your physical body is so broken and battered?  Chase made sure to point this little fact out to his mother.  Through my embarrassment, I answered her questions.  I knew she was doing, saying and asking the questions any responsible parent would ask.  I pulled up my big girl panties and let her know that I had been on the pill since I was fourteen in order to regulate my menstrual cycle.  This morphed into a conversation and Chase quickly exited the room.

              Knowing that I was on the pill seemed to satisfy her somewhat, but she was still adamant that we not sleep together, clothed or unclothed under her roof.  I felt bad for getting Chase in trouble, I was the one who climbed under his covers.  Mrs. Mitchell ended the discussion by telling Chase to stop sleeping in the hall and reminding him that he has a room with a perfectly good bed.  Chase and I reluctantly agreed to the terms set upon us.

              On the sixth night, I had the worst episode to date.  I tell you, the mind can trick you into believing the unbelievable.  What my mind showed me was a very familiar scene, one that has been played out damn near my entire life.  A scene where he enters my room and leans over my prone body to clasp his mighty hands over my mouth, so that my frightened screams could not rent the night air.

              It felt so real!  I screamed…I screamed...and I screamed some more.  I was torn between the current reality and my past reality.  I was so terrified that I wet the bed that night.  The lights flicked on and Chase ran to my bed and kneeled by my side.  I covered my face with my hands out of embarrassment. 

              “I peed the bed.”  I whispered to him.  I sat crying in my soiled bed.

              “That’s okay, I’m guessing when we get old and gray I’ll be saying that to you a lot, as well.”  He chuckles and kisses my forehead before he gets up to join his mother at the bedroom door.

              “That’s it mom, I’ve tried it your way.  She belongs with me.  I promise no slick stuff under your roof, but she will be in my room from now on.”

              I look up to see Gloria’s concerned face staring back at her son.  She nods her head, says her goodnights and goes back to her room.  Hell, she’s probably behind her closed door doing a jig because I will no longer be sleeping next door waking her up in the wee hours with my screaming fits. I notice Chase walking over to my dresser, he pulls out some underwear and a night shirt and takes the items into my bathroom. 

              I’m too embarrassed to move.  I stay seated as I hear the shower turn on.  When I look up again with watery eyes he has returned to my side.

              “Stop crying Amber, it’s okay.”  He whispers to me.

              “It’s
embarrassing
!”  I cry.

              He shakes his head.  “Go take a shower.  After you calm down we’ll talk, okay?”

              I gather my courage as I stand, dripping piss as I walk in shame.  When I am done cleaning myself, washing away all the self-loathing and self-pity, I dress and reenter the room.  To my surprise, the bed has been stripped and remade.

              “You can’t put sheets on a wet mattress.”  I say.

              “I know that.”  He smiles at me.  “There is a mattress protector on all the beds, you didn’t ruin it.  Ummm, it didn’t touch the mattress at all.”

              “I could have cleaned up my on mess, you know?”

              “I know you could have, Amber.  It’s okay, I don’t mind.”  He pulls me into his arms.  “We’re going to try something different tonight.  Let’s try sleeping in my room…in my bed…together.”  He looks down at me with a sly smile and wiggles his eyebrows.  When I didn’t refute this, he continued.  “When we slept together last night you didn’t wake once screaming.  Let’s see if this will work, okay?”

              I reluctantly agreed because I knew his mother did not wholeheartedly agree with this decision.  From that night to the present day I now end the night sleeping back to chest in Chase’s bed.  Other life altering decisions were made that night as well, we both agreed that I needed to seek help.  All the phantom visits and distorted images pointed to a pending psychotic break, which I knew in my heart I would not be able to shake if I did not seek professional help.

              Thus, every week, I’m in need of therapy, I am reluctant no more.  I’m on the road to recovery and I must admit, I’m liking where this road is leading me.

Chapter 27

              I slowly wake when I feel the bed dip.  His left arm snakes around my middle to pulls me into the position that we wake to every morning, my back to his front.  It would be so easy for me to grind my backside against him and take the relationship to the next level.  There is no doubt, it would be explosive, but I can’t. 

              Believe me, we have gotten really close to tumbling over the edge to act on our all-consuming cravings for each other. As each day/night passes it gets really hard…REALLY HARD, to not act on the sexual tension that oozes from our very pores.  But, his mother said no intercourse so, no intercourse it is.

              We are trying our best to respect her wishes.  Her wish is for us to finish school and to go off to college.  Pregnancy is a big concern for her, she’s terrified that I will become knocked up and destroy the dreams she has of her son finishing college.  Her worries are legitimate, I totally understand.  My dreams are the same as hers.  I want us both to be able to go to college and get our degree without worrying about a little tike on my hip.  So, no
actual
sex for us at the moment.

              “It’s time to get up sleepyhead.”  He buries his face in my hair.  I can feel his hot minty breath on the back of my neck, it sends delicious chills skittering down to my core.

              “I’m not ready to get up right now.” I groggily respond.

              His hand is splayed on my lower abdomen.  With a little bit of pressure he causes me to scoot closer to his body.  My ass is now securely seated on top/next to his boxer covered groin.  Damn, damn, damn…
I promised Gloria what again?  Something about sex?  We’re not supposed to…

             
“Ohhh!”  My breathy groaned release as his hands traveled up my sensitive body was all my brain could come up with. 

              He cupped my left breast and skillfully pinch and tweak my nipple.  I’m trying my best to remember what she wants us
not
to do, but my mind short circuits when Chase releases a hungry growl in my ear and simultaneously grinds his deliciously thick rod against my backside.

              I’m so wet and turned on that I start to whimper in need.  My mind is telling me to stop, that what we are doing is somewhat against the rules. 
Technically
, we haven’t had sex so, I think we’re good.  My body has a mind of its own, I’m withering against his body trying my best to get closer to him.  My night shirt has risen up so that my panty-clad-ass is in direct contact of his clothed manhood.  I can’t help, but to rock against it.

              “Do you trust me?”  He whispers in my ear.

              “With my life.”

              His hand leaves my breast and travels to the hem of my night shirt, he brings it up and over my head.  I’m laying here braless withering in desire.  This level of want, of need, I have never experienced it before.  I am on my back shaking from anticipation as desire courses through my veins.  I want his touch, no, I need his touch. I look into his eyes to find the same want, need and love gazing back at me. 

              “I love you.”

              “And, I you.”  He smiles at my response.

              “Chase, please – touch me.”  I nervously demand.

              “Your wish is my command.”

              He is now positioned between my legs.  The only barrier keeping us apart are our underwear.  He cups my face with his hands and proceeds to sear my nerve endings with the touch of his lips on mine.  I open my mouth allowing him to explore every nook and cranny of my soul.  Our combined whimpers are caught within the confines the barriers our lips have made.  We pull away from each other reluctantly.

              “We have to stop!”  We say in unison as we chuckle at each other’s words.

              Instead, I push up with my pelvis as he pushes down with his, searching for that sweet spot that’s eluded us for months on end.  I whimper as our most intimate parts collide and exquisite sparks fly.  Tears leak from my eyes out of pure frustration.  My need for this man is overwhelming. 

              “Why are you crying, babe?”

              “Because I want you… your touch… so bad.  But, we promised your mother that we wouldn’t have sex in her house.”  I let out a shaky breath.

              “Yeah, we did agree to no intercourse in the house.”  He brings his head down to mine and rest his forehead on my own.  “Okay, how can we fulfill our needs, but still stay within moms rules.”  He hasn’t stopped rocking against my core.

              He releases a torturous groan.  “I have to have you, Amber, I have to have you now.”

              “But, we can’t.”  I whimper my response.

              “It’s okay, I’ll take care of both of us.” 
What!?
  “I’m going to touch you in ways that will drive you crazy, babe. I’m going to eat my fill of you and come back for seconds just to lick your plate clean. You feel this?”  He grinds his stiffness against my core.

              “Yes!”  I groan out.

“This, I’ll take care of by hand as I’m pleasing you.  Your pleasure will stir my own.  Hell, I’m half way there as is.  You’ll beg me to sto…”

              Knock – knock –knock (door handle rattling)

              “Why the door locked?  You two are not supposed to have the door locked.  Are you doing the hanky spanky…I’M TELLING…YOU NOT SUPPOSE TO BE DOING ANY HANKY SPANKY IN THIS HOUSE….MOMMA!” 

              Everything from that point forward moved at rapid speed.  My desire shriveled up like an old dried prune.  I pushed Chase off of me so hard that he got tangled in the covers and fell off the bed.  

              “
Shit!  What the fuck!
”  I heard him shout out loud. 

              All I could think at this moment was getting the fuck out of the room before Gloria caught us doing the - as Peanut calls it, “The Hanky Spanky”.  I grabbed my night shirt off the floor and ran out the room as if the devil himself were chasing me.  As I made it to the kitchen, I hear Chase laughing his ass off. 

              “Momma!?....Momma…I need to tell you something!”  A few seconds of silence follows.  “Why is
your
door locked?  Everybody around here lock their doors when they not supposed to!  Are you in there doing the Spanky Hanky too?”

              Chase is roaring with laughter now and I’m no better.  I’m seated and eating a bowl of cereal when Gloria comes pounding down the steps.

              “What’s she talking about?”  She ask me pointedly.

              I do what any sane person would do.  I LIE!  “I have no idea.”

              Gloria turns to prepare breakfast, mumbling under her breath about sex craved damn near grown kids. Her mumbling doesn’t stop her from doing what she does every weekend. That would be cooking a gourmet breakfast.  I guess my little white lie worked.

              “Your mother called for you last night, but you were asleep.”

              I look up from my cereal bowl.  “Hmmm, I wonder what she wanted.”  This was not directed at anyone in particular.

              “Maybe, she has news regarding the house.  It has been on the market for a while now.  With everything that’s been going on, it has to be hard on her.  She said she will be calling you back in a few days.  Also, for you not to worry, she will make it in time for your graduation next week.”

              “Yeah, I am her only child, it would be messed up if she didn’t show.  I’m concerned for her, she’s been really down lately, with her and my father splitting up and me no longer living in the house, she has returned to her usual work schedule.  The difference this time is that she has chosen to travel when needed at other hospitals.  Honestly, I think she’s secretly interviewing in other states for available positions.”

              “What makes you say that?”

              I finished the last of my cereal and pushed my empty bowl to the side.  “For starters, she has been asking me nonstop if I have received my college acceptance letters.  When I told her that Chase and I received our acceptance letters from Morehouse College, she started traveling to Atlanta for work, weeks at a time.”  I chuckle.  “She thinks she’s slick.”  I say.

              “Amber, your mother loves you.  Don’t be surprised if she moves there just to be close to you.”

              Yeah, thanks for the heads up.  It isn’t like I wasn’t thinking the same exact thing for months now.  The thing is, I wouldn’t mind if she moved to Atlanta.  Our relationship has blossomed to something wonderful, since my little incident.  What surprised me was when my mother dropped the atomic bomb…LEGAL SEPERATION.  She got a small glimpse of the madman her husband had morphed into and low and behold, she jumped ship.

              “Great, I was hoping that she would move to Atlanta, at least for Amber’s sake.  We’ll be one big happy family!”  Chase said as he entered into the kitchen.  He winks at me and walks over to his mother to place a kiss on her cheek.

              “Morning momma.”  He sits next to me, leans over to give me a quick kiss on the lips and proceeds to rekindle my flame from earlier.

              “Not exactly the lips I wanted to kiss this morning, but I will take what I can get.”  I shiver at his words.

              “How many lips a person have?”  I jump slightly as I am startled by the voice coming from under the kitchen table.  “You only got the one lips GOD put in the middle of your face, right momma?”

              I put my head down in embarrassment.  Gloria turns from the stove, where she is cooking breakfast.  The type of breakfast I would have loved to indulge in if I wasn’t forced to fake the funk this morning.

              “What are you talking about Francis?  And, get your little butt from underneath that table listening in on other peoples conversations.  How many times do I have to tell you about that?”  Gloria points the egg covered spatula in Peanuts direction. 

              Peanut crawls from underneath the table in her pink super-girl pajamas and takes up her rightful place in her brother’s lap.  Anyone witnessing this could tell that this morning ritual of hers, has been going on for some time now. 

              “
Momma
, how else am I supposed to learn the good stuff?  I’m smart you know!  I sure don’t get my smarts from school.”  She whines.  “In school I just learn my colors and numbers and all the things I’m supposed to
NOT
do.  When I hide, I learn about cool stuff like, Hanky Spanky and other lips that people are supposed to kiss.   You know what, I’m going to ask my teacher if GOD gave her other lips and if her husband ever kisses her on them?”  She’s pretty excited at this new quest of hers.  I’ll say a little prayer over the weekend that she soon forgets about this. 

              Chase spits out his orange juice at Peanuts declaration. Gloria’s standing at the stove shooting us death glares and Peanut is sitting on her human throne, none the wiser.  After composing himself, Chase kisses his sister on the head.  She turns in his lap to hug his neck and kiss him on the cheek.

              “I love you Chase!  Now, FEED ME!”  She demands and promptly turns around and grabs a fork and spoon in both hands and starts tapping them on the table.

              “Bring the princess her meal wench!”  Chase mockingly demands of his mother.  Peanut giggles while Gloria takes a second to lovingly gaze and smile at her children.

              “I need armrest,
armrest I say
!”  Peanut yells this.

              I sit back to enjoy the show.  It never fails, every Saturday the same scene plays out.  Peanut is the domineering princess, ordering her mother and brother around while both of them indulge her in her little game.  He braces his arms on the table on either side of her boxing her in.  Peanut smiles, leans back against Chase’s chest and proceeds to perch her small arms on top of his.  Abracadabra...She has her armrest!