Spurs & Stilettos (24 page)

“I don’t know.” He whispers.

“What do you mean you don’t know Wesley?” I speak evenly without cracking. I’m proud of myself because on the inside I’m falling apart.

“This is who I am Hope. This is what I do. You knew this. I don’t know how long, he didn’t say. I don’t know what to tell you.” He replies with a strained voice.

“I don’t like not knowing when you are coming home Wesley. I don’t like worrying about you that’s all. I’m carrying our child, that’s enough to worry about. I’m truly scared you’re going to miss everything. I want you there when we’re supposed to find out what we’re having but you won’t be there, will you?” I ask through tears.

“I want to be there Hope. I’ll do whatever I can. I won’t miss it, you have to believe me. Trust me I want to be there with you right now so bad. Last night should have never happened and I’m sorry.”

My heart is beating so wildly I’m afraid it will beat right out of my chest. He’s really leaving again. He just got released and Hank is taking him away from me. Tears flow freely down my face and I do nothing to stop them. I thought I knew pain last night, but this cuts so much deeper. At least yesterday I knew he was at his house, tonight he’s leaving and neither one of us knows when we’ll see each other again. That confirms the fear I’ve had all along: I’ll be going through this pregnancy alone.

Chapter 32

I sit up on the couch when I hear Amber walk in. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying there staring at the TV. My eyes feel heavy from all the crying and I’m completely numb. I don’t hear her walk up to me, and she doesn’t say a word. The cushion sinks beside me and her arms wrap around me. My head lies on her shoulder and the tears come back.

“Hope, what happened?”

“He left,” I sob. “His manager called and he left. I don’t know what to do.”

“Shh. It’s ok. I’m here, it’s all going to be ok. When’s he going to be back?”

I keep my head on my shoulder, if I look her in the eyes the tears will never stop. “He said he didn’t know.”

She holds me until I’m calm. My head is starting to pound and all I want to do now is lie in my bed and throw the covers over my head. Maybe I can forget this happened.
 

“I can’t imagine what this feels like for you, but I’d take this pain away in a heartbeat if I could.” She states quietly.

“I know Amb.”

I never imagined this would have been in the cards for me. I never thought anything could hurt this badly, but it does and it sucks.

“You want to watch a movie or something? I’m up for anything you want to do Hope.” I finally pull my head off her shoulder and look at
her. She wipes the tears off my face with the pad of her thumb and I give her a weak smile. The kind of smile that insists I’m hanging on as best I can.

“I just want to go lie down Amb, but thank you. Maybe tomorrow?”

“You got it.” She smiles pulling me back in for a hug.

I sigh pulling myself up from the couch. My feet feel as heavy as my heart does and the walk to my room never felt longer. Once I’m inside my comfort zone, I lie across the bed and do what I planned. I don’t fall asleep right away. I stare at the fabric of the comforter although I can’t make out the color in the dark.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand and I hesitate. Slowly I remove the covers from my head and grab the phone. The bright light of the screen blinds me for a second until my eyes can adjust. Just seeing his name now completely breaks me, maybe because I know he’s not just a quick drive up the road. I wonder what it says as I stare at his name. I wonder if he’s changed his mind and isn’t leaving. I decide to set my thoughts aside and open the message.

Wesley: I never meant to hurt you Hope. I want you to know that. I love you so damn much and I WILL be back soon.

I believe with all my heart that he never meant to hurt me. I know he didn’t intentionally do it. I may have been overreacting at the time but I know better now. I just wish missing him didn’t hurt so badly. I smile through the hurt as I type my response.

Me: I love you too Wes. Come back soon please, I miss you already.

Wesley: I miss you too, sweetheart.

I set the phone back on my nightstand and let out a sigh. I can get through this. I have to be strong. I pull the covers back over my head and within five minutes, I’m fast asleep.

********

Wesley’s been gone for a week now. He calls and texts like clockwork every day. My hormones are all out of sync right now and I hate it. Just yesterday I broke out into tears at work because I accidentally misfiled a folder. Bailey smiled sympathetically at me and moved it to the right section. Mr. Collins had stepped out of the office so he missed the whole meltdown. I’m relieved because I didn’t want him thinking I wasn’t capable of performing my duties.

I’m twelve weeks pregnant now and I’ve learned that our baby can curl his/her toes and can clench their eye muscles. I also read the baby can squirm around although I can’t feel it yet I still can’t help but be scared he will miss out on all these important things. I can’t wait to be able to feel the baby move. I just hope Wesley can be here too.

I’m sitting at my desk finishing my work for the day. I’m feeling extra tired today and I just want to sleep. There’s nothing that sounds better to me than my bed. My phone hasn’t gone off all day and I can’t help but feel disappointed. Wesley missed his normal call time. I try not to get too upset about it, he’s busy that’s got to be and that’s why I haven’t heard from him. He will call this evening, I know it.

Amber and Nate are sitting on the couch when I walk in the door. I tell them hi briefly, and then make up an excuse about waiting for a phone call. It’s not really an excuse because I’m waiting for Wesley. I play around on my phone-- surf the internet and play a few levels on Candy Crush before letting out a sigh. I need a shower but I’m scared to miss his phone call. All I want is to hear his voice.

I wake up abruptly before my alarm and stare at the time. It’s 6:00 am and I grab my phone quickly looking for a missed call or text. There’s nothing there. My heart drops into my chest as disappointment hits me again. I know that this is his career and I feel significantly needy but I don’t care.

I manage to get through the day without losing my mind. Wesley is all I can think about and I’m sick and tired of being upset. I feel like a zombie just going through the motions.

I’m really craving a bowl of rocky road ice cream so I decide to make a pit stop at the grocery store. I plan on getting a half gallon of Blue Bell. While I can most likely eat the entire half gallon myself, I plan on sharing with Amber. I grab the half gallon and hold it tightly to my chest.

I’m almost to the register when a familiar voice breaks my concentration. “Hope?”

I scrunch my nose wanting to just keep walking but I turn around. Brad is standing there holding a case of beer with who I’m assuming is this woman he’s been seeing. She looks identical to what Amber described. I flash an annoyed smile that lets him know I’m on a mission. “Um hi.”

Last time I saw Brad, we almost made a huge mistake and now here I am carrying a baby and a half gallon of rocky road ice cream.

“How have you been?” he asks. The girl is tapping her foot impatiently and I don’t blame her, this whole situation feels awkward.

“I’m real good. You?” I don’t care how he’s doing. I can see it for myself. He seems happy.

“I’m good. Amber told me you are pregnant,” his eyes travel to my belly and I cringe a little. “Congratulations, I guess.”

Poor Brad is trying. I don’t know how to really take his congratulations so I smile. “Thank you.”

He fidgets a little making me nervous. He adjusts the beer holding it in his right arm before sticking his left hand in the pocket of his jeans. “This guy, he treats you good?”

I want to laugh wondering why he’s feeling so concerned about me. The girl beside him looks like she’s about to spit fire at the two of us but in my defense he started the conversation. I could have walked away but I haven’t yet.

“He treats me very well.” I respond.

He pulls his hand out of his pocket and runs it over his short hair. “Well, it was good to see you Hope.”

“Yeah you too.” I give him a brief smile before turning away to head to the register. That was completely awkward but I found no reason I shouldn’t talk to him. We are in public and he is with someone. I’m sure he’s going to catch an earful from her the minute they leave the store, but that’s his problem. I would have been just fine if I hadn’t seen him.

I sit back in my car before driving home. I check my phone and I’m even more annoyed that I still haven’t heard from Wesley.

My phone buzzes almost giving me a heart attack. I lunge forward for it just praying it’s Wesley but it’s Amber letting me know Nate is cooking dinner tonight so she won’t be home. I reply that she’s missing ice cream and she sends a sad face. I get some comfort from the fact I have the whole half gallon to myself although I know I won’t be eating it all at once.

I turn the TV on and plop down on the couch with a giant bowl of ice cream and a spoon. I torture myself by watching
P.S. I Love You.
By the time it’s over, I’m a wreck and I’ve eaten two huge bowls of ice cream. Amber still isn’t home yet so I drag myself to my room.

The phone buzzes and my eyes dart to the screen. A sense of euphoria flows through me when I see his name pop up. I hardly give it time to ring again before I answer.

“I thought you weren’t going to call today. I miss you.”

“I know I’m late calling I’m sorry. I’ve been busy today. This sucks.” He lets out a sigh; I love the sound of his sigh.

“Tell me about it. I’ve eaten two bowls of ice cream, I’m going crazy.”

“How’s my two favorite girls?” he asks.

“Well I’m fine, but who else are you talking about?” I ask feeling lost for a second.

“The baby, sweetheart.” He laughs.

“We don’t know if it’s a girl or not yet. How are my two favorite men?” I joke back.

“I’m miserable. I miss you like hell and Bandit is doing well.”

“When are you coming home?”

“I hope soon sweetheart.”

We talk for at least thirty minutes before I begin yawning. I try to act like I’m not but he hears and makes me get some rest. For weeks, I was used to sleeping in his arms. It’s still taking time to get used to not being able to for now. I close my eyes and do my best to imagine his smile and his lips on mine. I curl up in the fetal position and slowly drift to sleep.

Chapter 33

Time is not on my side. I hate time. It’s been three and a half weeks and I don’t like that I still haven’t seen Wesley. I’ve now added Hank to the top of my list of people I don’t like. He supposedly has Wesley doing all kinds of training and strength building exercises to get back where he was. What’s wrong with doing all that here? Why does he have to be so far away? My next check up is tomorrow and in a few days I’ll be able to see what we’re having. I’ve adjusted to being alone for the most part, though I do have some emotional bouts.

When I return from lunch, I am shocked to find pink daisies on my desk. My heart stops as I read the card:

For the two most important people in my life, I love you both so much.

I take this card and tape it right below the other one. I set the vase beside my monitor and smile at it. I send Wesley a text thanking him for the flowers. I love how thoughtful he is. I run my hand over my belly and smile. Dresses have become a favorite of mine. I have a few pairs of maternity pants that are suitable for work but I rarely wear them. The rest of the afternoon flies by. I can’t keep a smile off my face even though I’m lonely without him.

“Hope, do you mind filing these last few before you leave for the day?” Mr. Collins asks in a rather happy mood. Today is his twentieth anniversary with his wife and he has dinner plans at a swanky restaurant downtown.

“I don’t mind at all. Have a good night Mr. Collins.” I smile taking the files from him. He waves goodbye before stepping out into the sun that was getting ready to begin to set.

Bailey and I walk out together into the cool air. She’s rambling on about a guy she just met and I smile, listening the best I can. I remind her of my appointment and tell her I will be a few minutes late in the morning. She gives me a brief hug before climbing into her car. She’s always been nice to me but she’s been extra cautious around me since I’ve been back.

In my dreams, I’m lying next to Wesley. In my dreams, he rubs my belly and talks to our child in the sweetest voice imaginable. In reality, I’m lying in my bed alone wishing he was here. I wish like hell I could feel his arms around me. His absence is taking a toll on me emotionally. I can only be so strong before I cave. I keep telling myself I will not cave.

********

I’m exhausted when my alarm goes off. I did nothing but toss and turn all night long. Every time I managed to get comfortable, my mind began racing and it would take about forty five minutes before I could fall asleep again. The bags underneath my eyes are more than enough to back up my story. The apartment is quiet, Amber must have not stayed home or she’s still in bed. I manage to pin half my hair back and make it look decent. I smile at my progress before pulling my new pink polka dot maternity blouse over my head. I manage to give myself a little smile before heading to the doctor alone.

Wesley has been to all of my visits so far. This is the first one I’ve been to alone. The nurse even asks about him and I smile politely and tell her he’s at work. Dr. Barnes comes in chipper and begins talking about all the progress in my pregnancy. I smile at the thought of the little miracle that’s growing inside my belly.

“Your baby has a very strong heartbeat Ms. Trahan. That’s a good thing.” Dr. Barnes smiles. Her smile is infectious and I’m soon grinning from ear to ear. “Are you anxious to find out what you’re having?”

I continue to smile genuinely. “I am. When can I find out?”

“We can attempt to look in a few days. Sometimes we can see early and sometimes we just have to wait a little longer.” She stares at a calendar briefly before looking back at me. “Will the father be joining you?”

“Um, I’m not sure yet Dr. Barnes. He went back to work so it may just be me.” Admitting that out loud hurts immensely. I hate the fact that she asked about him.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, let’s get you scheduled for an ultrasound in two days. We will give it a shot and see what happens. I can’t promise anything so don’t be discouraged if we see nothing.” She smiles warmly before patting me on the shoulder.

I leave her office feeling nauseous. I shouldn’t have to go through this all by myself. I’m alone at work for most of the day. Both Bailey and Mr. Collins are away at court today and it’s up to me to not run this place into the ground. I manage not to have any meltdowns. I’m keeping myself busy so I don’t have time to think about anything. My feet are sore by the end of the day and I plan to prop them up as soon as I get home. I realize I haven’t even gotten a second to talk to Wesley and I hate that. My phone is blank and I feel a bit of sadness creep inside me.

There’s a rumble of thunder in the distance as I climb into my car. Not even half a mile up the road, rain begins to fall down in thick sheets. I flip the windshield wipers on high and I still can barely see in front of me. The volume is up on the radio from this morning but I can’t concentrate while trying to see so I turn it off. I hear nothing but rain pounding relentlessly onto my car. I let out a frustrated sigh because half of these drivers have failed to turn their lights on. It’s making it much harder to see them on the road and my anxiety is through the roof.

My phone buzzes but I ignore it. My nerves are getting the better of me. I’m not a fan of driving in the rain. I really should start watching the weather in the morning while I get ready. The rain continues to pour down in thick sheets and my windshield wipers are working overtime. I’m breathing deeper than normal trying to stay composed. I notice the car in front of me slam on their brakes leaving me barely any room to react. My car manages to stop and I can feel bile rise in my throat. My heart is pounding erratically and before I can pull myself back together traffic is moving again. The car in front of me is able to get through the light before it turns red again. I hear my phone buzz again through the sound of the rain and I groan. Someone is impatient and my money is on two people. They both need to chill out and I will answer them when I get home safely.

The red light seems to last forever and I’m not far from the apartment. The rain has slacked a little but it’s still hard to see. The light finally turns green and I slowly proceed forward. Just a few more blocks and I’ll be home. My eyes are focused on the road but they can’t see what’s coming. I hear a horn honk but I barely have time to register what is happening until the car smashes into mine.

A wave of panic hits me once my car stops. Someone just plowed into me. I had the green light, how did this happen? I’m trying to steady my breathing but I can’t calm down. The airbag has deployed and is in my face. Scared, I swipe it away quickly to get it out of my face. I feel like my shoulder is on fire and I wince at the pain. I cry out but there’s no one there to hear me. Oh my gosh, my baby. Is my baby ok? I begin to worry, holding my belly looking and praying for some kind of sign that everything is ok but I can’t find anything. My door is crushed in and my windshield looks like its moments away from shattering all over the car. My heart feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest. This feels too much like the night Karlee veered off the road. I have to get out of this trap now.

My door is unable to open and I’m looking for a way out. A wave of claustrophobia overcomes me and I begin freaking out. It takes a moment to realize that it’s not helping anything. I draw in a deep breath as I slide my seat back as far as I can and manage to slide over to the passenger seat. Just then, a young man opens my door and takes one look at me.

“Ma’am, are you alright? I saw the whole thing. Let me get you out of here.”

He extends his hand out to me and I grab onto it tightly as he helps me out into the pouring rain. A lady with him immediately comes to my side with an umbrella helping shield me. The minute I try to step onto the road, my ankle gives out and I fall to the cool wet concrete before either one of them can catch me.