Squirrel Cage (42 page)

I had once thought that
Squirrel
pushed me so hard as a defense mechanism to fight against my gender dysphoria. I believed that if I did other things, if I excelled, I could tame the beast.

But my life has never been
that
simple.

Along with all the other problems I’ve conquered, I finally was diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder) and Dyslexia.
I learned this late in my life. I was offered drugs for the ADD.
I turned them down.
I’ve always struggled with reading and writing from the dyslexia.

I know that my drive, my passion, and my incredible stamina to do new things, and to reinvent myself are unique.
They have made my life incredibly interesting.

No, I realize now, I was not a flake in my jobs.
I’d move in, take control, and solve the problems at hand.
I would extend every effort to learn what I had to know and do what I had to do. I would give each task my whole self, often with great personal sacrifice to do my very best.
And after a year or two, after I had solved the big problem, after I turned a small company around, I’d get incredibly bored.
I needed new action.
I needed new problems.

I’m sure my life expectancy will likely suffer as a result. I have diabetes.
I often will stay up nights on end pursuing a new project.
I will lose track of time, days, and sometimes weeks. I forget to eat. This project of my life’s story is such a project. It is my first book.

I now work for myself designing and building furniture of all things.
I can no longer work for someone else.
There are too many very cool projects waiting in cue for me to work on.
I can’t waste time.
They must be done.

There is a novel or two in that list and I’m anxious to get to them.

My life story might read better if I had ended it with “and they lived happily ever after”.
But this last chapter is important.
My
Squirrel
, my muse, the drive and ambition of my life has pushed me to do extraordinary things.

I’m not living happily ever after.
I am living.
I still have bills to pay.
I still get to feed the dogs every morning.
I’m still being pushed by
Squirrel
.
Life goes on.

Leaving my children was the hardest thing I have ever done. Nothing is so great as a parent’s love for her children.
My daughter and son are held very close to my heart. With few exceptions, I have omitted including them in this volume, for they are the true victims of one of life’s
great
tragedies. They lost their father and could never understand why. Justifiably, from their social perspective, I abandoned them. It has always been and always shall be a soul crushing experience to not be a part of their lives. I hope that someday, we can discuss openly what drove me from their home and come together as a complete family.

Many people told me when I started my life’s journey that I would be living a lie.
I worried about this for many years as I made the transition from male to female. Almost 20 years have passed since I had the surgeries and officially changed my gender.
I can honestly tell you that I am not
living a lie.
I am living life.

I still face struggles.
Squirrel continues to run in her exercise wheel. She pushes and she prods. It is because of her that I continuously reinvent myself. The new Rusty comes back to me in nightmares but it isn’t so often now.
I understand the beast. I’ll cut off his tail one of these days and I’ll put him outside for everyone to see.

I have had the unique opportunity to see life from both sides; male and female.
I have lived much more than a full life.
I have lived two lifetimes.
No one should be so blessed.

Have I regrets?
Perhaps. But I prefer to call them mistakes.
I’ve done everything that I can to resolve my mistakes.
I
love my family. They love me.

I love my life.

The End… or is it a new beginning
?

Thank you for sharing your time to read my story.
I truly hope that some piece of it will carry you through your next crisis, your next meeting, or just a boring afternoon.
If you enjoyed this book or found it helpful in any way, it would be very helpful if you would kindly leave a review
on amazon.com
. I thank you from the bottom of my heart

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