Stadium of Lights: A Second Chance Sports Romance (28 page)

A
ll I had
to remember her by was the program from the play we saw together, and the study habits she taught me. It was the most ridiculous thing in the world. I would never be the same, all because she showed me how to study. Of all the reasons to remember a woman.

It was more than that. I remembered the way she made me laugh. The way she made me see things, in ways I never had before. She challenged me to be more than I thought I was. There was no way for me to ever thank her for that. Not that I would ever get the chance since she had kicked me out of her life. I couldn’t blame her.

I could blame Zack, though, and I did. I made it a point to never be in the same room with that piece of shit if I could help it. I exercised away from the rest of the team and only gave them my full attention during practices and games. We kept winning, but my heart wasn’t in it. I took meals in my room, studied in my room. I didn’t party with them anymore, which was the biggest shock to the system for my friends. They couldn’t believe Jake Jennings would rather spend the night in his room, reading, than banging new tail.

“Are you sure?” Preston asked once, sitting on the edge of my bed. I was on my back, reading
Pride and Prejudice
.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I have a ton of school stuff to do. Finals coming up and all.”

He grinned. “I never thought you would become such a serious student. Check you out.”

“Yeah, check me out.”

“She changed you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, she showed me how to study. Big deal.”

“More than that, man. She showed you how smart you are. You didn’t know that, did you? I knew it. I always knew you were smart. You never gave yourself credit.”

I didn’t answer him. He got up and left, closing the door. When I was alone, I put the book down on my chest.

He was right. That was another thing Claire gave me. Faith in myself. I had it in me to do something more than play football—that was probably what I would do for as long as I could, anyway, but at least I knew that once I got too old to play, I could always do something else. I wasn’t going to fall apart when football wasn’t a choice anymore.

I wished I could thank her.

* * *

I
couldn’t imagine
another semester at the UM, knowing she was there, not being able to be with her. Our paths probably wouldn’t cross—pre-law students and English students didn’t mix, usually—but with my luck, something would happen to throw us together again. And I would have to look at her face and remember the pain I caused her. I already remembered it. I could close my eyes at any moment and see her face in front of me. The hatred and shame all over it.

She didn’t hate me any more than I hated myself. I was a coward. Everything she’d said was right. I didn’t have the balls to stand up for her right away when I should have. To think, if I had only opened my mouth sooner, she would have heard something different. She would know how I wanted to put Zack’s head through a wall for what he said about her. Instead, I had to spend the rest of the semester—and the one following—trying to avoid her. I didn’t want to her hurt again.

* * *

A
knock
on my bedroom door.

“Yeah?” I didn’t look up from my textbook. The door opened, and I heard a cough. Even from that sound, I knew who it was.

“Come in.” I stood and shook his hand. He and his girl had gotten back together, and I’d just heard that he’d already been invited to the Combine in Indianapolis in February, where the scouts and trainers put prospects through workouts and tests before the draft in April. I was still waiting on my invite.

“So you’re talking to me,” Zack said.

“Listen. Don’t be an ass again, okay? I’m over it. Besides, I wanted to congratulate you, man.” I sat back down.

He laughed a little. “I don’t know how not to be an ass. Don’t you know that about me by now?” He leaned against my dresser, arms crossed over his chest. “I wanted to say I’m really sorry for everything. I mean it. I fucked up and everything is my fault.”

I didn’t answer right away. Who was this person? Zack never apologized for anything he did. It wasn’t his style.

“So, what brought this on? What’s the catch?” I turned in my chair to look at him.

“There’s no catch and a lot of things have come up. Mostly the way Sam and I made up over the weekend.”

“That’s cool.” The words sounded hollow, even to me.

“Yeah, I know. I’m not trying to rub it in, I swear. That’s the last thing I want to do. I wanted to tell you you’re right. I acted out because I was so pissed at Sam and myself. It fucking killed me to see you with somebody, because I couldn’t be with the person I wanted. It sounds so childish, and I know it does. I hate the person I was when I said those things. If there’s anything I can do, please, let me know.”

“Are you being serious right now?”

“I’m telling the truth, bro. I really fucked up, and I’m sorry.”

“You want to call up the folks at the Combine and tell them I’m waiting to hear from them?”

He chuckled. “You’ll get the call. Don’t worry.”

“Other than that, what can you do? Turn back time? Like I said I’m over it, and I know she’s over it too. She probably has already moved on, and I don’t blame her.”

“Well, I could talk to her for you,” he suggested.

“No. I don’t want to bring it all back up for her. It’s not worth it. Just let it go, man.”

“It is worth it, though. That’s what I figured out. It’s all worth it. I was too proud to go to Sam and tell her I was sorry. She reached out first, and that was the open door I needed. If she didn’t text me to say hi one night, I don’t know what would have happened. I’d be fucking miserable still, I guess, making myself feel better by making everybody else around me just as miserable.”

“Whoa. What did Sam do to you? Where did the old Zack go who didn’t give a fuck?”

“I know, right? It’s weird.”

We both laughed.

He stood up straight. “I mean it. If she’s worth it, just say the word, and I’ll go talk to her.”

“Congrats, Zack but it’s a little too late.”

“Okay, bro.” he replied heading out my room.

Alone. Like I would always be. No way could I let him talk to her. How pathetic was that? She would see right through it, too. Like I was trying to manipulate her or something. I knew her well enough already. That was the way she thought.

I was glad things worked out for Zack and Sam, but it didn’t work that way for everybody. He just got lucky, was all. I was never lucky. I used up the little bit of luck I had when I met Claire.

* * *

“
Y
ou wanted to see me
?” I stepped into Coach’s office.

“Hell, yes, I wanted to see you before everybody ran out of here for Thanksgiving.” He waved me in.

I took a seat. “What is it, Coach?”

“I wanted to congratulate you, boy. You know me—I don’t believe in praise where it isn’t due. But I heard you maintained an A average all semester. I’ve got to admit, you were right. You had it in you to do it on your own.”

“Oh, so Claire told you I was alone, then?”

“Of course, she did. She’s an honest woman. She wasn’t going to take my money, though she could have. I wouldn’t have known since you kept up your grades anyway.”

“Did she say anything else?”

“What do you mean?”

“About how things ended up, I mean.”

“Nah, she didn’t have to. I called it right away. You cocked it up. Right?”

I laughed ruefully. “Right on, Coach.”

“What did you do?”

“It’s really nothing I can explain.”

“Can you un-cock it?”

“I don’t think so. It wasn’t meant to be, you know? Besides”—I laughed— “she hates football. No way we could have lasted. Football’s my life.”

He nodded, his head tilted to the side. “You want to see something?” He pulled a framed photo from his cluttered desk, handing it to me. “My wife. My daughter. My two boys. They’re my life. They’re my whole world. Football’s just a game, son. It’s just a job. That’s not life.”

“But you never fucked up as badly as I did,” I told him.

“Bullshit. We all fuck up sometimes, son. That’s part of life. You make mistakes, and you learn from them.”

“I guess.” I shrugged.

“Man, do you know the number of times my wife, has screamed at me? And I screamed back just as hard, let me tell you. We’ve had some knock-down, drag-out fights in twenty-five years. Sometimes she has to say she’s sorry, sometimes I do. But we are, at the end of the day, still together. Stronger than we’ve ever been. Not because we don’t fight, but because we do, then put it back together.”

“Aren’t some fights too much? The sort of thing you can’t come back from?”

“There are some fights like that. Where things are said that can’t be unsaid. Was it really that bad, though? I mean, did you say anything that was unforgivable? Did she?”

“She was right about everything she said. She sees right through me.”

“All the good women do. What about you? What did you say?”

I sighed. “It was what I didn’t say. I should have defended Claire, and I didn’t. She heard it. I didn’t know she was there at the frat house. She missed the part when I stood up for her, but I should have done it sooner right when the boys started making fun of her.”

“You weren’t the man she needed you to be. That can happen, sometimes. You have to admit that to yourself and admit it to her. Tell her you’re going to try your best from now on.”

I realized something at that moment. Coach was the closest thing to a father I had ever known. I hated him sometimes, and we butted heads almost constantly. He believed in me, though, and that was what I needed most.

“She’s a good woman,” he said. “Don’t let her get away.”

“She’s not the only woman in the world.”

“Jake, she’s the woman for
you
. If she’s still in your heart after all these weeks, if you’re still beating yourself up for letting her get away, she’s the one for you. I like her a lot. She’s what you need. That kick in the pants, when I can’t be around to give it to you.”

He leaned toward me. “Now give me back my picture and get the hell out of here. The wife hates it when I get home late, and dinner’s cold.”

I
t was
the week of finals. I had never studied so hard in my life.

Funny thing about pouring time and energy into helping another person get straight A’s: you forget about your own coursework. Sure, I had turned everything in on time, but I hadn’t kept up with the reading and memorizing the way I should have. There were a dozen or more cases I hadn’t reviewed, and I had term papers on most of them. I could have smacked myself for letting Jake get to me the way he had. And for what? Sex? Hardly worth it.

However, it didn’t seem that way at the time. I could admit that much to myself. I wished I could go back and wring my own neck—especially when I took a look at the mountains of work still left to be done before I even considered my finals.

At one point in my studying, I desperately needed a cup of coffee. I took my books with me to the local coffee shop a block from the library. It was always open twenty-four-seven during finals week, and there were always plenty of students in need of a jolt of energy. They had to make a killing at this time of year.

I waited in line, tapping my foot, wishing the people at the registers would hurry up. Sure, they were swamped, but they might not have been so swamped if they worked more efficiently. I could have screamed, it took so long. I didn’t get out of line, though. I needed the caffeine too badly, and everywhere else was closed. The diner was too far—I didn’t have time to go back, get the car and drive out there. Besides, it would be as crowded as the coffee shop. There was hardly room to breathe in the already tiny place. I wished they would rent a larger store. It was intensely claustrophobic. I felt the way I used to as a kid when my mom would drag me around to do Christmas shopping. I would stand in line in the overheated store, dying because I still wore my coat, wishing the other shoppers would give me some room.

I heard a deep, male voice beside me. “Claire, right?”

I turned to find Zack standing there. My instinct was to recoil, and I stepped away from him. He held up a hand and smiled.

“I’m sorry if I surprised you. I didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I couldn’t even pretend to be civil. I hated him to the depths of my soul. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to apologize to you.”

I smirked, but the expression on his face didn’t change.

“I mean it,” he said. “I was wrong. I know what you heard, and I wish I could take it all back.”

The line started to move, and I sighed in relief, as did he.

“Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

I thought about it, deciding it couldn’t hurt. I gave Zack my order, and he recited it to the cashier.

He pointed to a pair of stools along the counter. “Can we sit for a minute? Just a minute. I know you’re busy. Nobody comes in for coffee at midnight when they’re not busy.”

When he wasn't a prick, he was kind of charming. I nodded and waited there for him while he stood and waited for the coffee. He was good-looking, for sure—dark, where Jake was blonde-haired and blue-eyed. He had a dangerous sort of vibe. I remembered what the girls in the dorm told me about him being a freak. I could believe it.

He wanted to apologize, huh? He felt bad, huh? I couldn’t help but feel a little powerful, knowing he saw the error of his ways. I had to wonder what brought it on, though. Why was he coming to me after all these weeks?

He carried our drinks over, and sat beside me.

“What I did was unforgivable,” he said. “Totally.”

“You’re right.” I couldn’t argue with him.

“I was going through a lot when it happened. A breakup, but then we got back together. I was questioning everything, and I mean everything. Lashing out, trying to hurt people. Believe me, I talked this all out with my girl, and she’s much smarter than I am. This is all coming from her.”

I couldn’t help chuckling a little. I thought Zack might actually be human but still kept my distance. For all I know this could be a setup and I refused to be a fool again.

“Anyway, that was where I was. A mess. I took it out on everybody around me. Including Jake. And you. You didn’t deserve it.”

I nodded. “I know I didn’t. You were really nasty, Zack.”

“I was. I remember what I said, and I hate myself for it. I’m so sorry.”

“Only because I heard you say it.”

“No, because I said it at all.” He shook his head. “Jake wasn’t kidding when he said it’s impossible to get you to listen.”

“So stop trying and leave. No one is forcing you to stay.” I turned on the stool to step onto the floor, but he stopped me.

“Claire, wait. Just listen to me, please.”

“What, Zack? I don’t have time for this.” I sighed and waited for him to finish talking.

“Jake called me out. I guess you didn’t hear that part. He told me what a piece of shit I was, and he said it was because Sam left me. It was all true. He tried to stand up for you and protect you. Hell, we almost put hands on each other, and he could have risked football if the cops got called. Coach has zero tolerance when it comes to teammates fighting each other, and he’s not afraid to kick you off the team if you fuck up.”

“I’m listening.”

“Most importantly he’s been a mess without you.”

That last part threw me off. “He has?”

“When he’s not studying, which he does most of the time, he’s moping around the frat house. He doesn’t hang out or go places or anything. He barely talks to us when we work out together, only during practice and games. I guess you heard we’re going to the Championship this year.”

“Yes, I did hear that.” I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t followed along with every single game, though I wouldn’t dare step foot in the stadium during home games. I couldn’t go that far. But I knew the team was undefeated, and I knew they were favored to win a second straight championship game.

Zack grinned briefly, and then shook his head. “I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think it means anything to him.”

That took me by surprise. “What? Football?”

“Yeah. His heart is not in it anymore. I just thought you should know.” Just then, a beautiful girl with long, dark hair came in. “Oh, there’s my girlfriend, Sam. Say, if you’re alone, you can always come sit with us.”

“No, thanks. I’m good. I think I’ll take my coffee to go.” I stood. “Thanks for taking the time to talk with me and for apologizing. It means a lot, Zack.”

“I wish I didn’t have to at all.”

“Shit happens, right?” I shrugged, forcing a smile.

I shook his outstretched hand, and he joined his girlfriend at a nearby table. They looked cute together. He didn’t seem at all like the person I overheard that day at the frat house. Being in love had changed him.

From the way it sounded, Jake was pretty messed up. I wondered if it was wrong for me to want everything Zack told me to be true. I wanted him to miss me and feel the pain he put me through. Maybe then he would feel just a fraction of the anguish I had felt—because God knew I missed him.

* * *

Z
ack’s words
weighed on my heart for days before I asked Marcie for advice.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” she asked.

“Finals. I know you’re busy. I’m busy, too. Plus, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“What! I’m never too busy for you and this is major.” She sat cross-legged on my bed, looking up at me with wide eyes. “So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. On the one hand, I feel so much better, knowing Jake stuck up for me after all. He told me he did, but I didn’t believe him. I thought he was just trying to get me to calm down, but Zack eased my mind.”

“So, he wasn’t laughing at you. He told them all off. That’s good, right?”

“It’s good. But it’s been so long now. I’m sure he’s moved on.”

“Ugh, six weeks? That’s not so long,” she said.

“It feels that way. We weren’t even sleeping together for six weeks. Barely for two weeks. Oh, geez, have I wasted all this time on somebody who I only slept with for two weeks?”

“No,” Marcie said. “He’s not just some guy. He’s a person you care about. I know you do. Don’t discount it just because he hurt you. You had real feelings for him.”

“You’re right,” I said.

“And Zack told you how miserable Jake is without you,” she added.

“How do I know he didn’t snap out of it yesterday? He could have woken up and thought, ‘Wow, why did I spend so much time thinking about that Claire girl?’” I sat down beside Marcie, my head sinking into my palms. “I don’t know which way is up. I really don’t, and I don’t need this stress during finals.”

“I think you’re over-thinking it,” she said, patting me on the back. “and you have a tendency to do that, love.”

“True. I’ll admit that.”

“You’re driving yourself crazy, for no reason. You know Jake still cares. Why isn’t that enough?”

“I can’t go through it again.” I raised my head to look at her. “I can’t. I don’t want to be played like I’m some fool.”

“I understand. That’s the chance you’re going to have to take, though. Otherwise, you’ll never know, and that will kill you. It’s so much worse, not knowing.”

I knew she was right. I just wasn't sure I had it in me to take the chance.

“Come on,” she said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. “Let’s take a walk and clear our heads. Then we can get something to eat. Adam will be there. Oh! Did I tell you? I think he’s seeing somebody.”

“Shut up! Really?”

She nodded with a giggle. “You know him. He guards his life like it’s a national secret. I saw him walking to his dorm with a girl last night, and he kissed her on the cheek before they went inside. It was super cute!”

I clapped my hands. “I can’t wait to torment him with this!” I shouted maniacally. Now that we were back to our brother/sister relationship, things were much more comfortable between us. That was the way we were meant to be. We were never meant to date.

“Did I tell you about the ski trip my parents want to go on this winter? You should come.” Marcie linked her arm through mine, and I did my best to be jovial and give her my attention, as she had done to me. I would have more than enough time to think about Jake later when I was alone. The way I did every night.