Stanton Adore (36 page)

“They lost her, she died about half an hour ago.” Oh shit, the horse died. I walk inside and find Max.

“Can you take me to the stables please?” He nods and finds the keys and drives me in silence to the stables, I wish he would talk more. It would be handy having his insight on things. He parks the car and stays outside. I walk up to the stone building and my heart is in my throat. Why hasn’t he come looking for me? As I turn the corner it becomes very apparent why. Amelie is in Joshua’s arms crying, she is obviously devastated. He is comforting her and talking softly into her ear as he cuddles her and kisses her temple. They look good together, there is a deep connection between them. I can feel it from here. I stand still, rooted to the spot in shock. Out of the corner of his eye Joshua sees me and jumps back from her………a guilty response if I ever saw one. My gut twists as I stand still.

“Tash………we………we lost her,” he whispers.

I nod. “I know, I’m sorry………I will give you some privacy,” I stammer and I turn to walk out. “Natasha don’t go,” Josh calls out as he sprints out after me. I feel like I have just witnessed and interrupted something private between the two of them.

“Tash I want you to stay. Amelie has to wait for the autopsy guys to come and I don’t want her waiting alone, just stay here with us it won’t be long.” He grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. My eyes flick to Amelie and she quickly looks down at the ground and bites her bottom lip to hide her hurt at his open affection toward me. My blood runs cold and my gut instincts kick in.

At this moment in time I am absolutely certain of three things. Amelie is in love with Joshua and I am in love with Joshua. And Joshua is in love with the both of us. His past has met with his present………but which one of us will he choose in the end? And when it is all over, who can make him the happiest? I’m afraid of the answer to that question because in all honesty………… I just don’t know.

After everything we have been through am I going to lose him anyway?

He sighs as he puts his head into the crook of my neck and kisses it. I can feel his heart beating in his chest, his body still inside mine. We are back in my bed in the afterglow of love making, having arrived back in Sydney yesterday. I’m not myself, I haven’t been since meeting Amelie.

“Natasha so help me god………what’s wrong baby?” he whispers as he lifts up onto his elbows so he can look at my face.

“Nothing I’m fine,” I breathe. He bends and tenderly kisses me again his eyes searching mine. “Tell me why I just made love to a completely different woman then?” I swallow the lump in my throat and look away, his piercing gaze too much for my fragile nerves.

“What do you mean Josh” I whisper as he kisses me again.

“When we fuck………we fuck. But when we make love……I can feel it. Every cell in my body can feel how much you love me. You have never detached from me like that before. It felt like you didn’t even know me.” My lip starts to tremor and tears threaten. Do we have to have this conversation when I am emotionally weak from orgasm and he is still inside me?

“Maybe I don’t Josh,” I whisper as my eyes fill with tears.

He frowns. “You feel like you don’t know me? What does that mean? He whispers as he pulls out of me and rolls me on my side to face him. Tears roll down my face and I am appalled at my own insecurity. I am getting a firsthand lesson that one of the most destructive emotions in a relationship is the poison of insecurity, I am frozen with fear.

“Baby,” he whispers as he pulls me into an embrace and kisses my face. “What’s wrong sweetheart, I can’t fix it if I don’t know,” he whispers.

“I know Josh,” I sob and he frowns. “I know you’re in love with Amelie,” I whisper.

He gives me a sad smile and nods. “It’s true I do love Amelie,” he whispers. I start to sob uncontrollably
I knew it
. “But I’m not in love with Amelie. I’m in love with you. I don’t want to be with Amelie, I love her like a friend. I have no sexual attraction to her what so ever…………we have common interests Tash………… we both live in a country without our families. I feel very different about her than I do you.” He cuddles me close as I listen to his words. “It’s different between us Presh………you know that. Actually you even told me that you loved your ex-boyfriends but it was missing something because it wasn’t me,” he whispers. I listen………… that is true.

“Do you feel like”………… how do I articulate what I want to say? “Do you feel like our relationship is holding you back from her?” I whisper, he actually has the hide to laugh. He bends and kisses my lips again.

“Your so fucking perfect, you know that don’t you? I could never be loyal to Amelie, Tash. She’s not strong enough to hold me and I’m not sexually attracted to her. I would be playing up within a week and I know that………… she knows that. Trust me I have slept in that house with her in the bedroom next to me for five years and never once have I wanted to go in. Whereas just the mention of your name makes me rock hard and ready to fuck. Besides,” he grabs me on the ass, “I like witty brunette beautiful sluts who are gagging for it,” he smiles. I punch him in the stomach and he laughs out loud. He pushes the hair off my face and kisses me tenderly again.

“I know it’s not going to be easy moving with me Tash, but I promise you Amelie is not going to be the problem. I have even asked her to move out of the main house and into the farm next door. I knew you were uncomfortable with her there and seeing I love it so much I want you to love it too.”

I give him a sad smile. “Do you think I’m being a drama queen Josh?” I whisper.

He gives me a broad smile and does wide eyes at me.

“Totally………… a raving bitch even,” he whispers as his lips trail down my neck.

I smile and giggle as he bites my neck.

“Do I need to be punished Mr Stanton?” I smile as he bites me again and comes over me. He rubs his hard length through my core.

“Fucking oath,” he growls as he slams into me.

Chapter 30

Today is the
day, the day I have been dreading for seven years. We are telling our parents. Josh has flown his parents to Sydney on the false pretence of a business deal he is doing. I have been vomiting with nerves all morning and Joshua hasn’t eaten in two days. We feel sick and distraught because we honestly don’t know what reaction we are going to get………… we could both be parentless tonight. But seeing we leave for LA in a week. The time has come. Cameron and Bridget are coming for moral support and by the sounds of it they are as nervous as us, they are having breakfast this morning together to discuss possible outcomes. I find myself pacing and shaking my hands in my bedroom while freaking out what to wear. Joshua is dressed in a suit leaning over the balcony rail on his elbows. He hasn’t been to bed yet, its seven am. I watch him out the window………… poor love, I have never seen him so stressed. I walk out to try and comfort him, I smile and kiss him on the neck.

“Stop worrying baby, we can do this. Just think of it as we are coming out as gay. They will be shocked at first and then they will be angry and that’s when we leave and in time they will have to accept us. We are not doing anything wrong Josh, it is legal in most countries for us to be together,” I smile.

He frowns and shakes his head. “Stop talking you’re making it worse,” he snaps.

“We had better get going,” I smile.

He nods and stands to face me and takes my two hands in his. “Promise me one thing,” he whispers and I nod. “Promise me that whatever happens we will leave your parent’s house together today.” I smile and nod and give him a tender kiss while cupping his face in my hands.

“I promise you we will leave together today and then we will go out for dinner to celebrate our bravery, followed by awesome hot sex.” He gives me a nervous smile and nods.

“Sounds like a plan.”

Walking up the steps to mum and dad’s house is the most terrifying thing I think I have done. Joshua is as white as a ghost and the tension on Cameron’s face is priceless. But this means we can finally be together in public. We walk into the lounge room, oh shit Brock is here. Joshua and I quickly glance at each other, knowing exactly what the other is thinking.

“Come out the back everyone,” Mum calls from the kitchen in her best entertaining voice. Ok this is it……
it’s go time
. Cameron and Bridget are sitting on a stone bench and Joshua’s Mum and Dad are sitting at the table with my Mum, Brock and Dad. Holy fuck. I feel like I am going to vomit. Joshua runs both of his hands through his hair and I stand still on the spot. I give him the nod symbolizing now.

“You are probably wondering why I have brought you all here,” he stammers. “I………We have something to tell you,” he continues.

“Joshua no………… stop.” Margaret snaps. He swallows and ignores her and continues, “Natasha………… Natasha.” He looks at me and I can’t stand it any longer. I stand and grab his hand.

“Joshua and I have fallen in love.” The room fall silent. My eyes flick around the room to see five sets of shocked eyes staring at us.

“What do you mean?” Joshua’s Dad snaps.

Joshua swallows the lump in his throat. “We have been seeing each other and we have fallen for each other,” he stammers.

Brock breaks the silence. “You’re a fucking prick Stanton.”

My mother yells. “Brock enough.”

I need to speak quickly………… everyone is just too quite.

“We fell in love when we were seventeen and only just got back together, we couldn’t stay apart any longer.”

“He was with a fucking stripper just a week ago Natasha,” Brock yells. Oh shit he did have to see that, didn’t he? Joshua glares at Brock and I grab his arm signifying for him to calm down. Joshua’s Dad stands. “Back up………did you say seventeen?” I frown. “How old were you then Joshua?” he asks. Joshua bites his lip knowing what’s coming.

“How old?” He screams. Oh shit this is getting out of control and Cameron stands up and walks around next to Joshua as if to signify support.

“Nineteen,” Joshua answers.

“So Natasha is the girl you nearly didn’t go to America for?” Josh hangs his head. “And she is the girl in your god damn tattoo?” he yells.

“Yes,” Joshua sighs as he rubs both of his eyes with his hands. Margaret Joshua’s mother burst into tears and my mother stands and starts pacing.

“You’re cousins,” she screams. This is bad………worse than I thought. I look to my Dad to see his reaction and he picks up my hand.

“This is wrong baby girl………… you can’t do this,” he whispers.

My eyes tear up. “Dad nothing has ever felt so right………don’t say that.”

Joshua gets a new bout of bravery, “Natasha is moving to LA with me,” he announces.

“Over my fucking dead body,” Brock screams.

Joshua glares at him. “Don’t temp me Marx,” he snaps.

Brock jumps up and knocks the chair over and runs at Josh and Cameron steps in the middle. Brock punches Cameron with full force and he falls over, everybody starts screaming for them to stop it. Joshua loses control and grabs Brock off Cameron and then punches Brock in the face. Bridget and I are screaming.

“Stop it now………Brock no.”

From behind me I hear Margaret yelling. “John, John. Oh my god………… John.” We all collectively turn to see my Father slumped in Margaret’s arms clutching his chest. Oh dear god.

“Call an ambulance.” I scream. Joshua and Brock still have a hold of each other slamming into the wall and the table tips over as they fall into it.

“Stop it now. Call an Ambulance.” Joshua’s dad yells. Suddenly the room spins………… what’s happening. I feel like I am having an out of body experience………… I am in shock……with no emotion. My Dad is on the ground and Cameron is doing CPR frantically. My Mum and Margaret are crying and holding each other. Bridget is screaming down the phone for an Ambulance.

“What’s the address?” She screams. “What’s the address?” Even though she has lived at the house her whole childhood. Joshua is pacing with both of his hands on top of his head.

Cameron screams to Bridget. “Tell them it’s a heart attack. We need defibrillators urgently.” Oh dear god…………please no. I drop to my knees and pray.

“Please god let him be ok………please god let him be ok………please god let him be ok.” The ambulance finally arrives and I run out to the road to show them the way. Cameron quickly fills them in on the situation and they run him to the ambulance. They shut the doors and I can hear Cameron call from inside………… ”Clear”………… ”Clear”………… Oh my god they are trying to shock him back to life. I start to hold my head and scream “NO………… No………… No………… This isn’t happening.” The ambulance driver yells to my Mum.

“Royal North Shore Hospital,” and they scream off. Everybody starts to run to cars, my family in one and Josh’s family in another. Josh comes over to me and puts his hand on my back.

“I will drive you,” he whispers.

“No. You stay away from her and the hospital. You fucking caused this.” Brock screams. “I swear to god I will kill you if you come anywhere near the hospital.”

I look at Joshua, my eyes wide with shock.

And this is the moment………… you know the one in the front of the book. When I said the next thing I was going to do would change the course of my life, and would I still do it knowing heartbreak is imminent.

I know what I want to do, I want to go with Josh to the hospital but my family is all screaming at me to get into the car and Brock is so mad. I look again at Josh who is holding his hand out for me “Natasha you promised we would leave here together,” he whispers. I am crying hysterically with snot all over my face, this situation is totally out of control, totally fucked up. I hold my head what do I do? I can’t handle this. My poor Dad. I shake my head at him and get into the car with my Mum and brother and sister and we scream away. I look back to see Joshua alone in the middle of the street………alone………I left him alone.

It’s been six weeks, six weeks since my beautiful father died. A death I caused. Blood is all over my hands.

I am in a living hell with no escape. I killed my own father, my own flesh and blood. I was in bed for a month………the pain too much to bear. I don’t even remember the funeral………… the doctor had me so drugged up for stress, I was a walking zombie. I have stayed with my mother since Dad’s death. I don’t want her to be alone………… because of me. I have made her lose her soul mate and in turn I have lost mine. I haven’t spoken to my love Joshua since the day Dad died.

My life is a living hell and I have no one to blame but myself.

I wish I had died instead of my Dad………… it would be easier than living without him………… and my beautiful Josh. Crying myself to sleep every night. Dry retching myself through every day. Grief…………Guilt………… what a horrible………… lonely combination of emotion. It is true, what they say. A broken heart really does hurt your chest. I feel like I can’t breathe.

I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow………… I can’t go on like this.

It’s been eight weeks and I have finally gone back to work. Bridget, Abbie and my mother haven’t left my side since that dreaded day that is burned into my memory. My boss Henry and Simon have visited me daily and Henry offered me my job back, I was supposed to be moving to LA and had resigned. Cameron has also visited me every day since it happened. He has just sat at my bedside while I wept……sometimes for hours, or I lay and stared at the ceiling with no words. He too is suffering at the loss of his first patient, his uncle. I refuse to talk about Joshua. My Father’s last words to me were, “This is wrong baby girl, you can’t do this” and so I haven’t. I killed my father so I will do as he asked, even if it kills me. I have no doubt that it will. My Mother has begged me again and again to go to Joshua saying that Dad could not bear seeing me like this. But I can’t do it, even though it’s killing me. It’s twelve o clock and I am about to go to lunch when the receptionist comes in.

“Excuse me Natasha, a Margaret Stanton is here to see you.” I roll my eyes. I don’t even have the strength to fight.

“Send her in,” I whisper.

Margaret walks through the door and takes one look at me and bursts into tears.

“Natasha my dear girl, look at you. You’re so thin.” I smile and nod and gesture for her to sit. She shakes her head and continues standing. She’s nervous and she has a good reason, I have absolutely no patience for this bitch anymore.

“Excuse me for intruding but I need to tell you something. Something that involves you and Joshua.”

I roll my eyes. “Margaret your boy is safe, I won’t go near him again.”

She tears up again. “Please don’t say that. He loves you Natasha. With all of his heart.”

The nasty caustic tears start to burn as they run down my face.

“And I love him, but I will respect my Father’s last wish,” I stare deadpan at her. I have nothing left. She puts her head into her hands.

“You and Joshua are not genetically related.”

I frown. “What do you mean?” I ask.

“I had an affair and Joshua is another man’s child, he doesn’t know of course.” I step back from her in shock.
Oh my god
.

I drop into my seat.

“Joshua and I are not cousins,” I repeat and she nods. Horror again.

“
JOSHUA AND I ARE NOT COUSINS
!” I scream again. She nods and starts to cry uncontrollably.

“I’m so sorry, if I told you my life would be in danger. But I fear Joshua’s life is more in danger. You must go to him Natasha. I have never seen him like this, he is not coping. He hasn’t been to work for a month.” I stand still, rooted to the spot. Shock coursing through my body.

“So you knew all along how in love we were and you kept us apart!” I scream. She cries into her hands and nods. I scratch my head and start to pace.

“You said Joshua doesn’t know. Why are you telling me?” I ask.

“Because I know that it is the only thing keeping you apart. Now that your Father has passed your Father would know the truth Natasha. He knows now you are not related, he would give you his blessing.” I step back in shock wide eyed as I sum up the words just spoken. I lunge forward and slap her hard across the face.

“Murderer,” I scream. “You killed him with your lies”………… “I fucking hate you. Get the hell out of my sight.”

Cabin crew cross check. I am on a flight to LA with Max. Joshua left him behind to watch over me. I stare out the window as adrenaline courses through my body, it’s hard to sit still. Hold on baby………… I will be there soon. I sit back in my chair and for the first time in eight weeks I smile and I have hope in my heart. I’m coming my love………… I’m coming.

Katy Perry’s voice rings out to her track Dark Horse. I am in bed watching Tash in the movie I made of the two of us. I have had it on repeat since I got home on Friday………… it’s now Sunday. I have a drink in my hand and a tray on my side table. I know every ripple of her muscles. I hear every sigh that she makes and every smile complete with her beautiful dimples. I watch the back angle as her perfect body takes mine again and again. I sit forward each time she whispers the words I love you to the camera and my heart breaks just that little bit more.

I’m low………… I’ve never been so low.

I can’t seem to snap out of it. The guilt is eating me alive. I blow out a breath as I lean my head back against the headboard. She is supposed to be in this bed with me, curled around me. Starting our life together.

I have had too much………… I know that. I just needed a little something to give me a lift, it’s just not fucking working. I go to reach for my Cointreau and my arm doesn’t move. What the fuck. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and I fall.

Shit what’s happening?

The room starts to spin and my body starts to convulse.

Oh fuck. What have I done? I go to call out but my mouth doesn’t open.

I hear Adrian’s voice scream out.

“Joshua dear god. HELP………… HELP………… BEN. Jesus what the hell are you watching? Turn off the fucking television.

Call an ambulance………… He’s taken an overdose.”