Star (39 page)

“I’m an old friend. I just got back from Seoul … do you know where she is in L.A.?” Maybe she’d gone to Hollywood after all. The thought of it excited him, but he was anxious now to find her. They had a lot to talk about, a lot to say, and he owed her an explanation for his long silence. But the man only shook his head, looking uninterested and unsympathetic. Returning soldiers from Korea weren’t his problem.

“No. Harry would know. He’s away on vacation for two weeks. Call when he gets back.”

“What about …” He groped for the name and then
remembered it with a surge of relief. It had been a miserable evening. “Pearl … is she here?”

“She’ll be here tomorrow at four. You can call her then. And listen, pal, I’ve got to close up. Why don’t you just call back tomorrow.” And then, gratuitously, “I hear she’s making movies now. Crystal, I mean. It’s too bad she’s not singing. She was the best.” He smiled briefly, trying to be friendly as he walked Spencer firmly toward the door, and he nodded. And a moment later, Spencer was standing outside, with no more idea where Crystal was than he had had when he’d gone there. She was gone. To Hollywood. Just as she’d always dreamed. And he had to face Elizabeth alone, and decide what the hell to do about his marriage. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it would be better to make the decision once and for all before he saw Crystal, and then he could go to her with a clean slate. The thought of it weighed heavy on him as he walked slowly back to the house on Broadway. And when he went to their room, Elizabeth was sound asleep. She had no idea that he’d been gone. She looked peaceful as she lay there, and he looked down at her in the soft light from the open bathroom doorway. He wondered what she was dreaming about, if anything … if she even had dreams. She was so matter-of-fact and businesslike. Even his return was treated like a social event, something to be organized and planned. There was no tenderness, no gentle touching or holding hands. He hadn’t made love to her since he got back, and the truth was he didn’t want to.

He slipped into bed beside her after he turned off the light again, and lay listening to the rhythm of her breathing. And then he rolled over and looked at her in the dark, gently stroking her hair, and thinking that she deserved more than he had to give her. She opened an eye
then, sensing him there, but she was half asleep as she stirred.

“You awake?” She lifted her head, trying to see the clock, but she was too sleepy to focus. “What time is it?” she murmured sleepily.

“It’s late … go back to sleep …” he whispered, and she turned over, with her back to him, nodding.

“Good night, Elizabeth.” He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words, and all he could think as he lay there was that Crystal was in Hollywood, and he still didn’t know where to find her. He was going to call Pearl the next day, at the restaurant, and he prayed that she would know. But he had made up his mind not to contact Crystal until his own life was settled. It wouldn’t take long, and it was fairer to her. But he ached with the longing to see her. It had been a lonely homecoming for him, a day long awaited that had finally come. But now that he was home again, all he knew was that he felt like a stranger.

It was dawn before he slept, and when he finally did, he dreamed of guns going off in the distance … and there was someone talking to him through it all … someone whispering, saying something he couldn’t hear because the guns were too loud … but as he listened desperately, crying in his sleep … he was sure that the voice was Crystal’s.

All of his plans had been made for him, he discovered the next day. They were going to Tahoe for three weeks, his parents would be there for the first two, and the Barclays had planned several dinners to entertain them.

“You’d better buy some clothes before you go up to the lake,” Elizabeth told him. All he had with him were his uniforms, his fatigues, his combat boots, and his dog tags, hardly suitable for their life-style at Lake Tahoe. She went with him and he felt like a child again as she helped him pick things out and insisted on charging everything to her father. He made a note of the amount, and assured Justice Barclay that the moment he got home and set up his checking account again, he would send him a check. He had let Elizabeth close his bank account in New York when she gave up his apartment and moved to Georgetown.

“Don’t worry about it, Son,” Harrison Barclay laughed, “I know where to find you.”

Everything was so easy and so prearranged. They
drove to Lake Tahoe in convoy, Elizabeth in the station wagon with Spencer, and the two older couples in the limousine. They stopped in Sacramento for lunch and then drove up to the lake, where everything was organized to perfection. There were luncheon parties for him almost every day, a dinner party for fifty, they went swimming in the afternoon, and it was ten days before he had a chance to go fishing with his father. He sat in the speedboat staring at the water and William Hill looked at him sadly.

“You’re having a hard time readjusting, aren’t you, Son?”

Spencer sighed. It was a relief to be alone. There was constant tension with Elizabeth, and in spite of their enormous kindness to him, he was sick to death of the Barclays. “Yes, I am.” He looked honestly at his father and nodded. “I didn’t think it would be like this when I came back.”

“What did you think would be different?” He was a wise man with a kind heart and he wanted to help him. He hated seeing him so unhappy.

“I don’t know, Dad … I have no place to call my own. I’ve been in somebody else’s country for three years, and now I’m in somebody else’s house, with somebody else’s friends, doing what somebody else wants … I’m too old for that. I want to go home, and I don’t even have one.”

“Sure you do. You have a beautiful home, your mother and I visited it last Christmas.”

“Good for you. I live in a house I’ve never seen, with furniture I didn’t buy, in a town I hardly know.” He painted such a bleak picture and he was so sorry for himself that his father had to laugh with gentle humor.

“It’s not as rough as you think. Give yourself a chance. You haven’t even been home two weeks yet.”

Spencer ran a hand through his hair, and his father smiled at the familiar gesture. It was so good to have him back, healthy and alive, he wasn’t worried about his son’s reactions, and in his opinion, they were normal. He and Alicia had spoken about it the night before, and she had suggested he try to have a talk with Spencer.

“I don’t know, Dad.” He thought about telling him about the affair with Crystal before he left, but he didn’t really want to. She was his, and what he felt for her was intensely private. At least he knew where she was now. Pearl had given him her phone number in L.A., and he clung to the slip of paper as if it were a lifeline. A dozen times in the last two weeks he had picked up the phone, but he had forced himself not to call her. It was too soon. He hadn’t settled anything yet, and he knew he had to. But Elizabeth was acting as though everything was fine and that made it even harder.

And as though sensing that there was more, William Hill decided to ask his son a delicate question. “You’re still in love with Elizabeth, aren’t you?” It was such a good match, he would have hated to see it fall apart at their feet, only because Spencer was nervous and impatient. But for a long time his son didn’t answer.

“I’m not sure of anything anymore. I’m not even sure I know her.”

“You’ve been gone a long time, Son. At your age, even at mine, three years seems like forever.”

“I want kids. She doesn’t. That’s pretty basic, Dad.”

“She’s still very young. Give her a chance too. Go home, settle down, get used to each other again, then try to work things out. She’ll come around. She’s had to be on her own for the last three years, it’s a big change for her having you around again too.”

But Spencer looked disgusted. “She’s never on her own. She’s always got her father. He’d pay for my underwear
if I let him.” He was referring to their recent purchases in town and his father laughed.

“There are bigger problems than that in life. They’re good people, Spencer, and they want you both to be happy.”

“I know … I’m sorry … I must sound ungrateful. I’m just so damn confused.” He stared out at the lake again and then back at his father. He spoke in a softer voice this time, and there was something distant and sad in his eyes that had troubled his father ever since he got home. “There was someone else before I left, Dad … someone I’d known for a long time.” He didn’t tell him she’d been fourteen when he first met her.

William Hill looked unhappy as he looked at his son. “Was it serious?”

“Yes.” Spencer didn’t hesitate as he said it. “Very. They’re very different … as different as two women could be …”

“Have you seen her since you got back?”

Spencer shook his head, but he was planning to. It was all he lived for.

“Don’t. You’ll only complicate things for yourself. You’re married to a lovely girl, make a go of it. Stick by what you started.”

“Is that what life’s all about?” The gray in his hair glinted in the sun, and William Hill was surprised again when he saw it.

“Sometimes. Sometimes marriage is just sticking things out, whether you want to or not.”

“It doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“Sometimes it isn’t.” He reached out and touched his hand. “Take some advice from an old man, Spencer, don’t turn your life upside down. It would be a terrible mistake. Stick with Elizabeth. She’s a fine girl, and you married her. You owe her something after she’s waited
for you all this time.” He knew he did too. It was why he had come back to her at all, after three years of dreaming of Crystal.

His father got a fish on the line then and they were distracted for a while, and afterward his father looked at him seriously again, touched that Spencer had confided in him. He only hoped that he had swayed him in the right direction.

“Give it a lot of thought, and be patient for a while. Everything will work out. You’d never forgive yourself if you let her down now. Think of that too. You don’t owe the other girl anything. You married Elizabeth. And now you have to stand by that.” It all made sense, but it depressed him immeasurably as he started the motor and they went back to the dock as he nodded.

“Thank you, Father.” He looked at him for a long moment before they went back to the house, and for the first time he had felt that his father loved him for who he was, and not just as a stand-in for Robert.

“Catch anything?” Elizabeth was in high spirits when they returned. She loved the lake and seeing all her old friends again, and the fuss being made over Spencer.

“A pair of old shoes.” He grinned, he was looking better than he had in days. Talking to his father had taken some of the pressure off. “Three fish …” he leaned over her and she pretended to hold her nose … “and a kiss for my wife.” But at least she let him kiss her. They went inside after that, and Elizabeth filed her nails while he showered. She told him about the party they were going to that night and he looked at her pensively. “Let’s stay home tonight.”

“Darling, we can’t. They’re expecting us. And they’re friends of my father’s.”

“Tell them you have a headache, or my war wounds are acting up.” He grinned boyishly at her, he wanted a
night alone with her. They hadn’t had a moment alone since he got back, but she didn’t seem to mind it.

“Tomorrow. I promise.” But the next night, her brother arrived and she insisted it would be rude not to go out with them. And the day after that they went to a black-tie party. He felt as though he were in jail, being fed on champagne instead of water. But it was lonely being with her and surrounded by people all the time. He tried to explain that to her as they lay on the beach, but she insisted that he was being silly. “How can you be lonely with all these nice people around?”

“Because I’m not ready for that yet. I want to be alone with you, just to talk and get to know each other again.” But she refused to understand that. And then, in an instant, he knew what he had to do. He decided to go to L.A. on the weekend. He finally knew what he was going to tell Crystal. He had made up his mind. And when he came back he was going to tell Elizabeth he wanted to divorce her. He wanted to tell her when they left the lake. He didn’t want a huge ugly scene with all their parents.

“But my parents are having people over for you.” She was furious. They had had people over for him almost every night.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I have some business to take care of in Los Angeles.” His voice was suddenly cool. He knew what he was going to do now.

“What is it?” She looked at him suspiciously. He didn’t even have a job at the moment.

“Some investments I made when I finished law school.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“No, it can’t. Not for another minute. This is important, Elizabeth. I have to.” He didn’t call Crystal before he left. He was going to call her from down there and surprise her.

Elizabeth was still sulking when he left and she was at a luncheon with her parents as he drove back to San Francisco and left the car at the house, and then he took a cab to the airport. It was a two-hour flight, and when he got there it was a sultry afternoon in late August. He took a taxi into town, and checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel with money that he had borrowed from his father. And the moment he got to his room, he dialed the number they’d given him at Harry’s. A maid answered and said something about “Salvatore,” which made him smile. She always seemed to rent rooms from Italians. He asked for Crystal Wyatt and was told she was working. Pearl had told him she was working on another movie. He was excited for her, and he felt like a new man as he asked where he could find her. He felt suddenly as though his whole life had come into focus. He felt at peace again, and in control of his fate. At last, he knew he had made the right decision.