Star (50 page)

He looked at her with fresh admiration, and guessed the rest. And then you found out you were pregnant, and you never told him.

She nodded. He had figured it out perfectly.

Not exactly an easy life. And now?

I don't know. She and Brian had agreed to end their affair, but that still didn't settle anything with Spencer. It just meant she was free again, but he certainly wasn't, between his wife and his job as a Kennedy aide, he was anything but, and she knew it. He wants to come out when he can. And then what?

I'll tell you what. You'll be fifty years old one day, still in love with a man married to someone else, and waiting for him to show up twice a year. And what if he runs for president one day? Then what? It'll be all over, and how old will you be then? I think you should find some nice young guy to marry you and have more kids, before it's too late. But he wasn't volunteering either, and they both knew he didn't want marriage or more children. He had never wavered on that score, and he had had a vasectomy the year before, which made things easier for Crystal.

But the issue now was Spencer and what would happen next. As her friend, Brian didn't approve, and he thought that she was being foolish. If Spencer couldn't marry her now, she should drop him. But it was easier said than done, and when he turned up in Los Angeles six weeks later, their hours together were filled with all the love and passion they had shared since the beginning. They stayed in her apartment the whole time, and never went out, and two days later he left, leaving a gaping hole in her life, as she waited for him to come back again. But it was another three months before he could get away. It was no way to live, but it was all they had, stolen moments, hidden days, locked away in her apartment, with their secret. As it was, there was constant gossip and guesswork about who she was going out with. And after a year of seeing Spencer on the sly, she finally started an alleged affair with a star she had worked with often, who was gay and equally anxious to keep his secret safe. She also saw Brian from time to time and he always scolded her after asking if she was still seeing Spencer.

Zeb was seven by then and he desperately wanted to come to Hollywood to see her. She relented finally and let him come with the Websters, who were as awed by it as he was. They all went to Disneyland and had a great time. And she promised him he could come back soon, but he was happy to go back to the ranch with the Websters and Jane, whom he frequently referred to as his sister. She was fourteen and as delicately lovely as her mother. Crystal had given them a tour of some of the studios, and she wondered why she hadn't let them come sooner. No one seemed to suspect anything, and Zeb looked nothing like Crystal.

By the summer of 1963, she and Spencer had been seeing each other quietly again for two years, and she was resigned to her fate now. She didn't try to talk him out of it anymore. She knew she couldn't have let him go again. She couldn't live without him, and there seemed to be no need to. No one suspected anything, and Elizabeth didn't care what he did. She was too busy seeing friends, serving on committees, practicing law in her spare time, and giving parties. There was no room in her life for a husband.

And in November, Crystal was working on a film night and day, it was another one of Brian's and a good one. He swore she'd get another Oscar for it, and she was sitting on the set, chatting with the other actors when they heard the news. The President had been shot in Dallas. Her heart thundered in her chest as she ran to an office where someone had a television set to watch the news. At first they thought several of the aides had been shot too, and she watched in horror as they reran the film of his body thrown back in the car, his head on his wife's lap, and then the facade of the hospital where he had been taken. At eleven thirty-five, a.m., California time, the announcer said in a choked voice that the President was dead. His body would be flown to Washington for a state funeral. And they showed his wife's ravaged face, but nothing had been said about Spencer. Crystal's face was white as people began crying around her. And she didn't know whom to call. In desperation, she called Brian's office. He had just heard the news too, and he was crying when she called him.

I have to know if Spencer is hurt, she said in a choked voice. Do you know who to call?

There was a long silence as he thought of what it meant to her. That added to the rest would be one grief too many. I'll see what I can do, I'll call you right back. But it was hours before he could get through to any of the people he knew at the White House, and she spent all day in a daze, waiting to hear from him. It was nine o'clock that night when he finally called her. Lyndon Johnson had been sworn in by then, and Jack Kennedy was back in Washington as a nation cried, and his wife had stood in her bloodstained suit as they carried him away in his coffin.

When Crystal heard Brian's voice, she began to cry, fearing the news, but he was able to reassure her.

He's all right, Crystal. He's back in Washington. At the White House. She heard the words as though in a dream and as she put down the phone she lay down and sobbed, for Jack and for Jackie, and for the days of Camelot, gone forever, but also with relief for Spencer, who hadn't been injured.

The funeral was a symphony of pain, with the coffin drawn by a horse-drawn caisson as the two little children stood crying and a little boy saluted his father for the last time. The nation came to a halt as they mourned him. His murderer was shot and the whole world went into shock. It was a time that no one would ever forget, and there was no way Crystal could talk to Spencer. There was no way of knowing how he was, or what was happening to him, and she had no idea if he would stay on to work with Lyndon Johnson. And Brian gave his actors two weeks off. No one had the heart to go back to work. They all needed time to heal, and in deference to the President he had loved, the office was closed in formal mourning.

Crystal flew back to the ranch, and sat there with Boyd and Hiroko watching the news night and day. Even Zeb cried when he saw the funeral on TV, and he and Jane held hands, as they stared at the bereft Kennedy children.

And in Washington, Spencer made a decision. He had been stunned For days, and he had never cried as much in his life. There were heartbroken good-byes, and the bittersweet arrival of the Johnsons. But he knew he couldn't serve anyone as he had JFK. He knew in his heart that he had truly loved him.

The day after the funeral he resigned, wished Lyndon Johnson well, and spent hours crying silently as he packed up his office, and then he went home with his boxes and his books, and his mementos of a man who would be missed forever.

Elizabeth saw him as he came in and she looked shocked. She had gone to the funeral with her father. Spencer had had to go with the rest of the staff.

What are you doing? She stood in the living room and stared at him. He looked tired and older than his forty-four years. He felt like an old man with no hopes and no dreams left. And that was why he had done it. He had resigned because he knew the dream was over for him, and he had given up too many other dreams to go on after the death of this one that had meant so much to him.

I resigned. I'm coming home, Elizabeth.

But that's crazy. She stared at him. He couldn't do that to her. She knew he was upset, but the presidency would live on, with or without Kennedy. He couldn't just walk out like that. She wouldn't let him. I don't understand you. She sounded bitter and angry. You had everyone's dream in the palm of your hand, and you just walked out on it like that?

I didn't walk out on it, he said, it died. It was murdered.

All right, I know these are difficult times. But Johnson is going to need help too.

But he shook his head and held up a tired hand. Don't, Elizabeth. It's over. I handed in my resignation this morning. If you want the job, be my guest, I'll be happy to call the President for you.

Don't be an ass. And now what? He couldn't even run for office yet, he hadn't laid the groundwork. But he turned to her with a strange smile. He knew exactly what he wanted to do and where he was going from here.

Now, Elizabeth, we call it a day. It's fourteen years later than it should be. But I, for one, don't want to wake up one morning and be sixty-five and wonder where the hell my life went.

What the devil does that mean? The President had been shot, but that didn't mean the end of everything for them too. What was wrong with him? But he was hanging on to the last dream he had, and this time he knew he wouldn't lose it.

It means I'm leaving. I've been here too long, in a lot of ways. And now it's over for me.

You mean us? She refused to understand, but he nodded.

Precisely. I'm not sure you'd even have noticed if I hadn't told you.

And just exactly where are you going? She tried not to show it, but she was frightened.

I'm going home, wherever that becomes. I'm going away. To California for a start. And to Crystal.

You're leaving Washington? She was stunned. He was throwing everything away.

That's right. I've had the best there is, and now I'm leaving. I'm going to go into private practice somewhere, or maybe local politics on a small scale, but I'm not staying here and I'm not staying married to you. I want a divorce, Elizabeth. And whether you agree or not, that's how it is. I don't need your consent anymore. This is 1963, not 1950.

You've lost your mind. She sat down on the couch and stared at him. She was thirty-four years old and he was blowing her life all to pieces.

No, he shook his head sadly. I think I've found it. We should never have gotten married in the first place, and you know it.

That's absurd. She looked as ladylike as she always did, in her perfect imitation of the First Lady's style, in her Chanel suit and her pillbox hat. But that was over now too. It all was.

The only thing that's absurd is that I let you talk me into staying this long. You're still young, you have a whole life ahead of you. You can run for office yourself, if that's what you want. But after what just happened, his voice choked thinking of the man he had loved so dearly, I don't want it. You can have it all. The excitement, the thrill, the disappointments, the heartbreak.

You're a coward. She spat the words at him, but it was one thing they both knew he wasn't.

Maybe. Maybe I'm just tired. And sad. And so goddamn lonely I could cry. And now he wanted to be with Crystal, where he belonged.

You're going back to her, aren't you? Her, the only word she ever used when referring to Crystal.

Maybe. If she'll have me.

You're a fool, Spencer. You always were. You're too good for that. But he turned and walked away from her, and he went upstairs to pack his things, for good this time. And when he left the house that night, they both knew it was forever.

I'll call an attorney when I get to California, he said from the door. It was an odd good-bye to a woman he had lived with for almost fourteen years, but there was nothing left to say to her, and she didn't answer as he closed the door, and drove to a hotel to spend the night before he left for California in the morning.

Spencer called Crystal late that night to tell her his own news. He hadn't called her since before he left for Dallas. But she wasn't home, and he decided to surprise her in L.A. The flight was long, and he was lost in his own thoughts and the only thing that cheered him was seeing her. But there was no one at her apartment, and he decided to find her on the set at the studio where he knew she was working on her new movie.

They had a lot to talk about, and he still hadn't absorbed it all himself. He was free. He had walked out on everything, and he knew it was the right thing. All he wanted to know now was how she felt about it, and he experienced a tremor of terror as he got out of the cab at the studio and walked to the sound stage. What if it was too late for her? If it had gone on too long? If she wouldn't marry him? It was all possible, but, unlikely. He knew how deeply she loved him, and how much they meant to each other. It was the one thing he had never really doubted in years.

But the sound stage was empty and he Was told that the cast was on a two-week hiatus, in respect for the President. He stood for a long moment, wondering what to do next. And then he knew. He rented a car, and decided not to call her. It was the only place he knew she could be.

The drive took him fourteen hours, but he hadn't wanted to fly. He just wanted to drive along and think of her, and what they would do now. He stopped by the roadside to sleep once when he was too tired to go on, and twice to eat at roadside restaurants. But as the sun came up over the valley, he felt his heart sing, and he felt the spirit of his lost friend somewhere near him, it was an odd time in a strange world, but he knew he had done the right thing. And he arrived at the ranch at seven o'clock in the morning. The sun was high in the sky, but the air was cool. It was a beautiful November day, and there was a little boy running through the fields as he slowed to watch him. For a moment he had thought it was Jane, but as he looked at him, he knew it wasn't. He had shining black hair and he was calling to someone as Spencer got out of the car and watched him. He appeared to be about eight years old, and seeing the stranger looking at him, he stopped and stared, and then he walked slowly toward him.

Spencer never moved as he watched the boy, and as he approached, he almost gasped. He had seen that face before, long, long before, when he was a child himself. It was a face he knew well, his own, it was like seeing his own childhood looking at him as Spencer slowly began to walk toward him. And then suddenly he knew what had happened, and she had never told him.

Hi! The boy waved a long, graceful arm, and with tear-filled eyes Spencer stopped. He didn't know what to say to him, he only smiled as the tears rolled slowly down his cheeks, and then he saw Crystal in the distance. She had stopped, terrified to see him there, wanting to call Zeb back to her, but it was too late, and she started running, as though to turn him back. But it was too late, and now all she could see ahead of her was Spencer. He was smiling at the child, and at her, and crying softly she began to walk toward him. He was safe, he'd come home, for a minute or an hour or a day, or however long she'd have him. She saw him walk up to Zeb, and take his hand, and she was still running toward them. It was too late. He knew. Her secret was his now too ' and Zeb's ' she reached them just as Spencer lifted him into his arms and she ran to them and held them. He looked down at her, as Zeb stared at them both in fascination.