Starlight (The Dragonian Series Book 5) (7 page)

He huffed at that thought and the lines on his lips had gotten so thin. He was disgusted about that now, I could tell.

“Then you turned into a Rubicon.” He chuckled again. “I thought it was a sign, that there would be someone out there that would kill me. I thought it was why I’d woken up that night, because of another Rubicon that had entered through the wall. Everything about what I believed you were disappeared as it became evident, and I thought I’d been wrong.” He sighed again. “Never in a million years did I think it was because of me that you turned into a Rubicon, because of this bond we shared. That was why I helped you, but you know that part.”

I nodded as I thought about that day again. He’d broken my heart.

“That night when you told me that you couldn’t do it, that you loved me…I had to lie, Elena.”

“About what now?”

“About you making me feel normal when I’m with you. I didn’t want to trust it, so I can relate to how you don’t trust this. I loved spending time with you, that was real, and I wanted you to know that. And yes, those times I wanted to kiss you…I really did, but I knew that what you had to do would be hard, so I had to distance myself from you so that one day you could do that.”

“You broke my heart that night.” My voice broke.

He’s eyebrows furrowed as I tried to hide the tears that welled up in my eyes. “A part of me broke that day too, Elena. When I said those words. I had no choice as I was dark, I didn’t want you there with me and it’s hard to explain it.” He huffed again. “I know what you felt was real and I also know that you would never destroy me, so I had to tell you that it was my fault that Lucian died. I didn’t think that it would work, but when your pink fire lit up, I knew that I’d succeeded. You would kill me one day and you hated me. That drove me over the edge.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You got dark.”

He nodded. “They sedated me at the right moment and kept me like that until someone brave enough stepped forward.”

He smiled.

“When I woke up and they told me that someone had, I laughed in their faces as I knew nobody out there would be strong enough. It took all the professors and plenty of magic to get me into that ring. They used the magic to bind my abilities. Magic that was draining the living daylights out of them. When I saw it was Arianna with her blue flame, I thought it was a joke, but then Cheng flew in, distracting me, and I heard your voice. You sounded so different, so dark.”

“I was. Apparently I was sharing the darkness inside of you. I almost killed Cheng on our trip. It was so easy but he stuck with me for some reason, and he knew that it wasn’t really me.” I felt so ashamed of it.

“You almost killed Cheng?”

I nodded. “For your information, if I was the Rubicon, I wouldn’t have had the strength or the will power to hold onto my good side, Blake. I forgot about my good side so fast and I welcomed the darkness with open arms. So I lied too that day in the coliseum when I told you all you had to do was hold on to not become dark.”

“Don’t say that Elena.”

“It’s true. I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“You don’t need to be that strong. I’m strong.”

Those words made my stomach flip again.

He smiled again. “I saw the betrayal on your face when Cheng closed the gate and you were stuck inside with me. I even laughed when you tried to pretend that you were a helpless victim. I knew then that something wasn’t right. I know pretend, and wondered why you would pretend like that. But it was a curiosity that died faster than it appeared, and the need to scorch you alive was boiling inside of me. I guess that saying is true, if you want something done, you better do it yourself, and in that moment, it revealed itself beautifully. When you walked out of my flame and spoke those words to me, in perfect Latin, a part of me knew that I’d failed at throwing you off. You, my dearest Princess, were a master.”

I laughed. “It was a shock to me too, believe me.”

He chuckled. “I knew who you were before you said it. I knew you weren’t a dragon after all, and that my moment was biting me in the ass as I’d just presented you with a chance to claim me. I hated that so much, but when you spoke of Brian and Lucian’s deaths, of how I’d always known and that I’d lied to you, a part of me wanted to show you that I wasn’t like that. I guess I still carried good deep inside of me. Hearing those words coming from your lips, that I didn’t deserve any of it, hit me harder than you think, and I knew that this was my very last chance, so I had to do that. I thought that you were going to kill me as I fought with everything I had. The girl that didn’t even know about dragons and magic, that girl was gone. And when I finally saw it, it broke me and everything inside of me just gave up. My mind didn’t, it was as if it was an entity of its own, but my body couldn’t fight, it didn’t want to fight anymore.” He took a deep breath, looked away and let the breath out. “It was why I gave you hell afterwards. I forgot everything, what I’d felt on that mountain, and I only had this hatred for you.” He ran his hand through his hair. “They say I was experiencing the impasse stage.”

He smiled. “I also knew if I stayed away, your presence would make my mind eventually agree with the rest of me and I would fall under your spell. I truly believed that it was a spell of enslavement, Elena, even though George told me so many times that it wasn’t.”

I hated not knowing what the Dent was.

“The breaking point for me was that night. I didn’t like the way that guy had his hands all over you. It wasn’t because I was jealous; it was because of my need for dominance. I saw you as the Rubicon’s property. Emanual got that, this fool didn’t know who he was dealing with, didn’t even care, and that pissed me off really badly.”

He sighed. “When I dropped you into that water, I actually wanted to drop you onto the ground, but my paw didn’t open, it refused. My body was already under your spell. I fought so hard, and when we flew over the manor’s swimming pool, it just opened. I hated that so much, that I didn’t have any control over my body anymore. You sobered up, but it did more than just sober you up. It made you give up completely. When you started saying those words, I was surprised, glad that you were finally going to say it. I was going to be free. But then I really saw you, saw your beauty, saw how your clothes clung to the shape of your body, it stirred other feelings up. Something I’d never experienced when I was sober and something that only happened in my dreams, or so I thought. Like I said, it was as if I’d forgotten about the mountain. Like it was wiped clean. I was already falling under your spell as I just stared at you, wanting you. I didn’t even hear the rest of what you said.”

I remembered that night: he’d just stared at me. So that was what had gone through his mind.

“Then you said it and I snapped out of everything. I tried to see what you were thinking and I couldn’t. It freaked me out as I could hear you from miles and miles away, feel your emotions every time I was near you, feel how you still had time, patience. Things I didn’t want you to feel, but it all disappeared the second you said those words and you just walked away, as if you’d just closed a door and didn’t care. I realized at that moment that I’d fought against the thing I wanted the most, and I never wanted to hear those words come from your mouth ever again. It’s my fault this bond is broken, Elena. Why I can’t hear your thoughts anymore. I pushed you to it. I was an idiot. So many people died for something I wanted but didn’t know. It doesn’t make any sense, but I knew that I couldn’t lose you. And that was why I kissed you.”

He took a deep breath as his eyes were filled with tears again. “That pain, not even the succumbing part when you broke me, was as painful as the pain that announced the beginning of the process. Constance said it was a bond that was supposed to be made a long time ago and that was the reason for all the blood works. I was out for two weeks. When I woke up I still couldn’t hear your thoughts and I felt like that time I took an elevator trip, just this time I didn’t get my balance back. I’d never searched that hard for anything and after a while I thought you were dead and I wanted to die too.”

I just looked at him. So the Creepers were both, a death wish and him tracking me.

“I fell for you before I even dented, so you can imagine how I felt after the Dent, and how frustrated I was when you were gone and I couldn’t find you. I felt broken. On numerous occasions I thought you were dead, but thanks to my sister and Becky, I kept my hope alive.”

“Becky?” I asked with raised eyebrows and he laughed.

“Your friends actually became mine in those four months you were gone. You are really blessed to have them in your life, Elena.”

“With her two-cent comments whenever you don’t want them.”

“Especially when you don’t want them.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It wasn’t easy for me either, I felt useless because I couldn’t find you. For a month it’s all I did every minute of every day. I crashed in one of the nearby farms just outside Tith. They told me it was from exhaustion, and I slept for an entire week. When I woke up, I was in the hospital and Emanual searched with me after that. I always ended up near the Creepers and it didn’t make sense. I thought it was a death wish, knowing that you were dead, but Emanual didn’t give up on me. He told me so many times that you were still alive. I struggled to believe that and they did tests on me to find out why I couldn’t hear you. I took back those words you’d spoken by kissing you, and yet, it hadn’t come back. I even went to one of the Ancients. The one you meet with on a regular basis.”

I squinted. “You know about Pappi?”

He chuckled. “He told me that you are his great, great, great granddaughter from your mother’s side.”

I smiled.

“He didn’t have answers either, just filled me with wise crap. Not knowing if you were still alive drove me almost insane. Then Emanual told me what he could do with King Helmut—well, what they had done once, and it’d left him with a mother of a headache. But he shared it with me, and thought that just maybe I could do it too.”

I hung onto his lips again, wanting to know if it was something he could do. “He showed me how to feel for your heartbeat.”

My eyes rose slightly. Had I heard him right? “My what?”

He smiled. “If I concentrate real hard and listen past mine, I can feel yours.”

“Really?”

He nodded and raised his eyebrows. “Emanual wasn’t surprised that you didn’t need my essence though.” He sighed. “It wasn’t easy either as I could hardly hear my own, but I was adamant. I wanted proof of life. I thought it would never happen and then I got some of the Creepers’ poison. When one of the leeches stuck its fangs in me, the poison enhanced this process, it was so easy. After that, I’ve done it so many times a day that it’s not even that hard anymore.”

“Wait, you can feel the rhythm of my heartbeat when we are apart?”

“Yeah, it’s quite amazing, but I also knew when you were in danger, and that….” Pain reflected on his face. “Not knowing where you were or being able to go and save you, I can’t explain how that feels Elena. There are simply no words. I trashed many places during the times your heart would rise, and before you came back, I actually thought you were dead and that I couldn’t even tell you any of this, that you’d died without knowing what you mean to me. That night you needed the fire, I felt it. I’ve never felt you that strongly before. I’d never experience such pain and didn’t know what it was. Then Master Longwei told me to release your powers or shift into a dragon. That’s what I did and the pain went away. I tried to find you again, but I was so drained.” He shook his head. “If I’d known that part, I would’ve granted you them a long time ago, Elena. You would’ve never experienced any of it.”

A tear escaped and he hid his face. I wiped one away myself and didn’t know how to handle any of this.

He stroked his face as tears still lingered in his eyes. “I couldn’t even hear your heartbeat anymore and I wanted to die too. Believe me, I had all sorts of ways in my head, and was making plans the next day. Constance had to sedate me of course as I’d put voice to these thoughts, scaring the living crap out of everyone, and when I woke up in the morning, they just carried on. I tried again to feel for your heartbeat, but nothing. Then the knock came and it was Constance saying that they’d found you, that you were in the hospital in Tith. I didn’t wait to hear more, I just flew there as fast as I could.”

“You flew there, from the Academy?”

He smiled again. “Yes, Elena, from the Academy. The poor guy that found you, I had to know what he saw and I discovered the truth.”

I remembered those two. The one that was the dragon was so scared. I thought it was Emanual’s wrath, never in a million years did I imagine that it was Blake’s. I also just discovered that Emanual had lied to me that day. “So, it wasn’t Emanual that discovered the truth?”

He shook his head. “I told Emanual to say that it was him. I had to beg him to make an oath to you, and I made an oath to him that he wouldn’t feel anything if something bad happened to you again. Until you let me make an oath to you myself, one that will delete his. I never thought that my dragon form would be the first one that you would trust. But I used every opportunity I could. Sorry that I tricked you. It was Leo’s suggestion. He said that you could relate and maybe you would trust my dragon form because of Cara.”

“It’s fine. A part of me always knew that it was you. I guess that we are both good at pretending.”