Starting From Scratch (30 page)

clip, leaving the escaping strands alone, hoping they looked

sexy rather than messy. I was reasonably sure, judging by

the look of desire on Elena’s face, that I’d pulled it off.

“I just want you to know on my way out earlier today,

I had to caress my front door in fond memory.” I winked at

her. “I’ll never look at the foyer the same way again.”

“Maybe we should plan on changing the way you look

at
every
room in your house.”

“And then in yours.”

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“I’ll drink to that.” She held up her wineglass and we

clinked.

e evening went on like that, regular conversation

peppered with sexually infused flirting, and God were we

good at it. I often had to stop and remind myself that this

was the very same untouchable, unattainable bank manager

I’d been ogling for months. I had been so sure she was out

of my league and now here we were, sitting together at

dinner talking quietly and teasingly about all the filthy

things we were going to do to each other when we got

home. It was almost surreal and by the time we were

handed dessert menus by the waiter, I was so excruciatingly

wet I half expected to slide out of my chair and end up

under our table on the floor at any given moment.

I didn’t need to open the dessert menu. I knew I was

getting the chocolate cherry cheesecake.

“I’m going to have the crème brulee,” Elena informed

me. “I almost always order that when it’s available.”

“Your favorite?”

“What’s not to love? Hot and sweet outside, warm

and creamy inside…” She let her voice trail off and sipped

her wine, looking smugly satisfied at what I was sure was a

dopey (possibly drooling) expression on my face.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, grabbing for my water.

“You’re going to be the death of me yet.”

Our desserts arrived quickly and I tried hard not to

scarf mine down like a starving person. My mind was stuck

in an endless loop, like a skipping record, and all I could

think about was taking Elena home and getting my hands,

my mouth, my tongue underneath that black dress. ere

would be no quiet climaxing tonight. Oh, no. I was bound

and determine to wring some serious noise out of her.

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“Avery?”  e voice surprised me because it wasn’t

Elena’s. I wrenched my gaze from across the table and

looked up to see my ex, Lauren, standing over me with a

smile. ere was something in her eyes—a glint? a glare?—

that came and went so fast, I almost missed it. “I thought

that was you. Hi!” She bent down and gave me a hug,

which I returned awkwardly.

“Hi,” I said to her. She was smiling widely, her eyes

were bright, and she looked…I couldn’t come up with a

word. But it made me squirm.

“Hi there.” She glanced in Elena’s direction.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry. Where are my manners?” I

nodded across the table. “is is my…date, Elena Walker.

Elena, this is Lauren Gardner.”

“I’m Avery’s ex,” Lauren added, though I figured

Elena had probably put two and two together just using

the name.  ey exchanged greetings and shook hands

politely.

“I can’t stay long…my date’s in the ladies’ room.”

“Your date, huh?” I said teasingly, hoping to allay the

weird feeling I had. e mention of a date was promising.

“Yeah, she’s great. I met her at my ob/gyn’s office. She’s

the receptionist there. Can you believe it?”

I shook my head. “Leave it to you.”

“And I’d seen her quite a bit because…drum roll…I’m

pregnant!” She all but squealed her news, causing several

other patrons to glance our way. I didn’t mind, though. She

was so ecstatically happy about it and her glee was

contagious.

“Lauren! at’s terrific. Good for you.”

“You know, it’s also gotten me thinking about a lot of

past stuff,” she said, sobering a bit, the glint returning.

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“Past stuff?”
Uh-oh.

“I owe you an apology, Avery.”

“An apology? No, you don’t. Absolutely not.”
Please

don’t say it.
I waved a hand at her, hoping to brush the

whole subject away like so much dust, and I couldn’t bring

myself to look in Elena’s direction, for fear she’d see the

panic on my face.

“Yes, I do. I shouldn’t have tried to force you. If

somebody doesn’t want to have kids, it isn’t fair for the

other person in the relationship to try to change their

mind. I know that now.”

And there it was. I wanted to stop her from talking,

but the look on her face told me she was doing exactly

what she’d come to our table to do. I just sat there while

she did more damage, injecting a tone of genuine

understanding into her voice. I never expected that she’d

want to hurt me; I thought we were friends, sort of. She

had to know Elena had a child; it was a small community.

Why else say this stuff?

“You were so adamant about not ever wanting kids in

your life, about having no desire to be a parent, and I never

took the time to understand. I mean, kids are a ton of

work. A ton. Believe me,” she babbled on, “I’m just starting

to get that. You told me time and time again that you

didn’t like kids, you’d never wanted them, that they’d ruin

our relationship, and you were right. Just because you loved

me didn’t mean you’d love having a child, even if it was

mine. Or ours. I should have listened instead of fighting

with you endlessly and making you the bad guy for simply

being honest with me. You know? I’m really sorry about

that.”

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I’d tuned out about halfway through her diatribe, the

moment when I felt Elena go perfectly still across the table

from me. All the delicious food I’d consumed during the

previous hour threatened to make a reappearance as my

stomach turned nauseatingly.

“Ooo, there’s Kristy,” Lauren said, her gaze locked

across the room and a glowing smile on her face. “I’ve got

to run, but it was so good to see you and I’m glad we

cleared the air. It was nice to meet you, Elena.” She winked

at me, the bitch, and she was gone.

When I finally had the courage to look across the

table, Elena was studying what was left of her crème

brulee. She didn’t eat any more of it.

e waiter brought the check and I gave him my

credit card before he could walk away. We needed to talk

about this, but not here, not in a restaurant full of people

and not at the table across which we’d been discussing

which articles of clothing were coming off first. at

conversation suddenly seemed a million years ago.

e night was beautiful—balmy and comfortable—

but we walked to the car in silence. I wanted to give Elena

time to absorb all the information she’d been thrown, and

at the same time, I wanted to
stop
her from absorbing too

much. e bottom line, though, was that I had no idea

what to say. I was damned either way. Either I’d broken up

with Lauren because she wanted children and I didn’t, even

though I’d led Elena to believe otherwise. Or I’d lied to her

and let her believe that’s the reason I broke up with her,

which was just cruel.

ere was no good way out of this and I knew it.

I wanted to kill Lauren.

“Elena…” I began as we got into the car.

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She held up her hand, not looking at me. “Just…don’t

talk to me for a minute. I have to think.”

Her tone was low and brittle, like ice splintering under

my feet. I swallowed down the acid that kept rising into

the back of my throat and keyed the ignition.

We drove the fifteen minute trip in silence and it felt

like hours. I kept opening my mouth to say something, but

again, I had no idea what and I’d close it again. Elena

stared out the passenger side window and said nothing, her

mouth a straight, inexpressive slash across her face, telling

me nothing other than she was not happy.

A tiny bubble of relief floated to the surface when she

followed me into my house and I was grateful she didn’t

just leave. I let Steve out back, shut the sliding glass door

and turned to face the music.

Elena was gazing off to her right, shaking her head

very slightly back and forth.

“Elena, please look at me.” My voice shook, which

annoyed me.

“Why did you break up with Lauren?”

It was a straightforward question, and yet the answer

was so complicated. I wet my lips and grimaced as I

searched for the right words.

“It’s a simple question, Avery. Why did you break up

with Lauren?”

“It wasn’t working,” I said, hoping Elena didn’t think I

sounded as lame as I did. “I wasn’t in love with her and she

deserved better. I told you that.”

“Did she want children?”

“Yes.”

“Did you?”

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ere was no good way to answer that. “No.” At her

snort, I quickly amended, “Not with her.”

“And now you’ve suddenly changed your mind?” She

pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and

forefinger. “God, I’m an idiot,” she muttered.

“You are not an idiot.”

When she finally looked at me, her dark eyes snapped

with an anger I never expected. “I have a child, Avery.”

“I know that.”

“Well, apparently, you don’t
understand
it.”

What?
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“He always comes first. Do you get that?”

“Of course I get that.”

“Do you? e woman I spend the rest of my life with

is going to end up being another mom to him. Do you get

that
?”

“Yes. You said yourself that I was good with him, that

I took good care of him.”

“You did. And he’s been an angel most of the time

when he’s been around you, but that’s not always the case.

What about when he’s sick? What about when he throws a

tantrum? What about when he’s being a little brat? What

about when he lies or hurts himself or is just plain crabby?”

She paced around the room as she spoke, gesturing wildly

with her hands and arms. “It’s not all fun and rainbows. It’s

not all puppies and tee-ball games. What about when he’s

throwing up in the middle of the night or when he breaks

something of yours or when he just flat out doesn’t listen to

you?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, bewildered, but

trying hard to follow her logic. “You’ve lost me.”

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“I know.” She nodded and I didn’t like the look on her

face then. “God,” she yelled at the ceiling. “I never even

asked you if you wanted a kid. I just assumed. And you let

me! I am
so stupid
! I even told you I wanted another one

and you didn’t say anything. Did it never occur to you it

might be a subject we should discuss?” en she went from

yelling to muttering, rubbing angrily at her forehead with

her fingertips. “I let you into Max’s life. I introduced you to

my family. On assumption. All on assumption. Blinded by

my hormones, like I’m a fucking teenager. I am
such
an

idiot. Jesus Christ, what a mess.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I blurted, holding my hands palms

forward like a crossing guard stopping her at the corner. A

sense of panicked foreboding was settling on my shoulders

and I couldn’t shrug it away. I inched closer to her, but she

took a step back from me. “What are you saying?” I asked

her, trying not to sound as terrified as I felt. “We’ve got

something good here, Elena.” My head was pounding, my

stomach churning dangerously. “I love you. And you love

me.”

She looked away and rolled her lips in, biting down on

them. When she looked back at me, her eyes were wet. “I

am a mother. First and foremost, that’s what I am. My son

comes first; he has to. Max will always come first.”

“I know that.”

“No, I don’t think you do.”

“Elena, please don’t do this. Please.”

“I’m not doing anything, Avery. It’s already done.”

I stood frozen as she picked up her bag and her keys

from my side table and walked out my front door. I’m not

good in an argument. I’ve never been able to debate. I can’t

think quickly enough to get my points across. At that

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moment, I wanted to scream to her to stop. I wanted to

throw myself to the floor and wrap my arms around her

ankles like a toddler. I wanted to beg her not to leave, to

talk to me, to let me explain, to give it a chance.

But she was too stubborn to stop and I was too

destroyed to move.

Instead, I stood there and watched her leave, fairly

certain I could hear walls crumbling around me.

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CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

I fell into such a state of depression, I could barely

function. I vacillated between being angry at Lauren for