Starting Over (Treading Water Trilogy) (9 page)

“Okay, then, bring it on. I’m ready.”

“With you, Brandon, my biggest worry is your resentment. You absolutely must work through your issues with Aidan and find a way to accept the hand that life dealt both of you. If you continue to harbor all these secrets and resentments, your ability to stay sober will be seriously impaired at some point. You must also tell your father how you feel about the business and his expectations for you.”

“Yes, I know. I have to find a way to get through to my dad. As for Aidan, I doubt he’s even speaking to me.”

“Then write him a letter. Find a way to explain your feelings to him. It’s going to be absolutely critical to your continued recovery that you let go of all the anger you’ve been hauling around with you for most of your life.”

“I hear you.”

“Call me if I can help.”

“Um, I want to thank you. I don’t know how you did it, but you got me to tell you things I’ve never told anyone.”

She smiled. “My special gift.”

“I’d say so,” he said with a chuckle. “Thank you.” He reached a hand out to her.

She squeezed his hand and handed him the leather book she’d retrieved from her desk.

“What’s this?”

“A journal. I give one to all my graduates. Try to write something every day about the challenges and the temptations and how you feel about them. Sometimes putting it down on paper helps.”

Brandon took the book and stood up. He wanted to hug her but thought it would be inappropriate.

She solved the problem for him when she took a step toward him with her arms out. “Good luck to you, Brandon. We’ll all be praying for you.”

“Thank you for everything,” he said, returning her embrace.

“Be well.”

After he signed discharge paperwork, Brandon returned to his room to finish packing. He zipped the book Sondra had given him into his bag, sat on the bed, and ran his hands through his hair. He was scared—truly frightened about his ability to stay sober once he left the safety net of the rehab facility. He felt as vulnerable as a newborn about to leave the womb. What if he couldn’t do it? What if he fell back into old habits and routines once he returned to familiar surroundings? What if he disappointed everyone who had such high hopes for him?

Stop it
.
You can’t fail at this
. One by one, the faces of the people he’d let down flashed through his mind: his parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, Valerie, the men who worked for him, and the friends he’d abandoned on his spiral into alcoholism.

He reached over to unzip his bag and retrieved the journal. Rooting around in the bottom of the bag, he found a pen. On the first page of the book, he wrote the date
.
“
Today is my thirtieth day of sobriety. I promise myself I will stay sober. I vow to read this promise any time I’m tempted to solve my problems by drinking. I owe more to the people in my life than what they’ve gotten from me. I’m going to do better. I’m not going to forget what I learned at Laurel Lake.
” He paused for a moment before he added, “
So help me, God.
”

After he reread what he had written, Brandon returned the journal and pen to his bag and zipped it closed, releasing a long deep breath he hadn’t known he was holding.

The intercom buzzed, and he got up to answer it. “Brandon, your father’s here.”

“Thank you.”

He picked up his bag and took a last look at the sterile little room that had been his home for a month. “So help me, God,” he whispered once more before he walked out the door to face what waited for him at home.

Chapter 9, Day 30

On the forty-minute ride home to Chatham, Dennis kept up a steady stream of chatter about the goings-on at work, the latest funny stories about Erin’s kids, and yet another project Colleen had embarked upon in the big, pink house.

Brandon turned his face into the chilly air coming in through the small crack he opened in the window. After being so removed from regular life, something as simple as fresh air rushing in through an open window seemed extraordinary. His senses, dulled for so long by alcohol, were on full alert to absorb the sights, sounds, and smells of life outside the walls of Laurel Lake.

“You look good,” Dennis said, glancing at his son across the wide bench seat in his company truck as they traveled east along Route 6.

“I feel good.” Everything they passed on the familiar road to home reminded Brandon of something from his past: the restaurant where he’d had his senior prom, the sports complex where he and his brothers had played baseball, the neighborhood where Valerie’s parents lived, the parking lots he’d plowed after a hundred snow storms. On and on it went.

Brandon was surprised when his father went straight on Main Street rather than making a left to take Brandon to his house on Indian Hill Road, near the Chatham Municipal Airport. “Where’re we going?”

“I thought we’d take a walk on the beach.”

“Kind of cold for that, isn’t it?”

Dennis cocked a blue eye at his son. “What’ve you gone soft on me in that place?”

“Hardly.” Brandon snorted. “If you want to freeze your ass off, don’t let me stop you.”

Dennis pulled into the parking lot at Chatham Light and killed the engine. “Let’s go.”

Zipping his green company coat, Brandon wished for gloves.

Dennis flipped open the tool box in the truck bed and pulled out two pairs of work gloves, tossing a pair to Brandon.

“You read my mind.”

“I don’t want you to catch the sniffles,” Dennis teased.

“Bite me,” Brandon said with a laugh.

They walked down the long flight of stairs to the sweeping expanse of sand that made up the elbow of Cape Cod. Behind them was the huge white beacon at Coast Guard Station Chatham. Small-craft warning flags flew under the light, and the gusty wind gave the sand the appearance of having been swept by a broom. Since no one else was crazy enough to brave the elements that day, they had the beach to themselves.

“Should you be exerting yourself like this?” Brandon asked when they had walked into the wind for a few minutes.

“I’m fine.” Dennis’s warm breath came out like a cloud in the cold air.

“Is this some kind of character-building exercise we’re undertaking here?”

Dennis laughed. “Something like that. I wanted to talk to you, actually.”

“About?”

“Work.”

“Listen, Da, I know you’re mad about the thing with the gravel, and I’m going to apologize to Lewis and Simms.”

“Good, but that’s not was I was going to say.” Dennis stopped walking.

Brandon came to a halt, turned his back to the wind, and as he waited for his father to continue, a chill went through him that he couldn’t blame entirely on the cold.

“I’ve decided to retire.”

Brandon smiled. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious.”

“But you always said we’d have to carry you out of there in a pine box,” Brandon said, stunned.

“You almost got to.”

“You’re exaggerating, Da. You had a
mild
heart attack.”

“It was a warning. Besides, it’s time. Mum wants to do some traveling, and if I don’t go with her, who’ll keep her out of trouble?”

“That’s a good point. So why’d you bring me out here to the tundra to tell me this?”

“Because I’ve put Colin in charge.”

Raw fury streaked through Brandon, but he kept his expression neutral.

“I wanted you to hear it from me,” Dennis continued. “I’ve made my decision, and I’m asking you to respect it.”

Brandon rubbed a gloved hand against the stubble on his jaw. “Christ, I go away for a month, and now I’m working for my little brother?”

“You’re going to have to find a way to deal with this, Brand. He’s worked for the company the longest, and he’s earned this opportunity.”

“He’s worked for the company the longest because he refused to go to college, something you made the rest of us do!” Brandon fumed. “How’s that fair?”

“Do you honestly think you’d be able to run a business right now? With everything else you’ve got on your plate?”

“Maybe not right this minute, but hell, I would’ve liked the chance to try it.”

“The men wouldn’t work for you, Brandon. Not the way you’ve been the last couple of years. I had a lot of things to consider, and that was definitely one of them.”

“I’m not taking orders from Colin, Da. No way.”

“Then maybe you should think about getting another job,” Dennis said with steel in his gentle blue eyes.

“
Are you serious?
I’ve given that company sixteen years of my life! There were other things I wanted to do, but I came back here and did exactly what you expected of me. You can’t just push me aside!” The words were out of his mouth before Brandon could stop them. He hadn’t planned on having this conversation today or pictured it coming out quite the way it had. The stricken look on his father’s face told Brandon the words had cut him to the quick.

“What did you say?” Dennis asked in a voice that almost didn’t register over the roar of the ocean.

Brandon’s eyes burned. He looked away from his father. “I didn’t want to work for the company,” he mumbled. “I didn’t even want to be an engineer.” His stomach twisted with fear as one of his best-kept secrets came tumbling out.

Dennis stepped back as if Brandon had taken a swing at him. “You don’t mean that.”

“I’m not saying it to hurt you, Da, but it’s true. O’Malley & Sons was never my dream, but I’ve devoted my entire life to that company. I deserve better than being pushed aside like I’m just another employee.”

Dennis turned back to the stairs.

“Da,” Brandon called. “Wait.”

But Dennis kept walking.

Brandon jogged to catch up with him, grabbing the sleeve of his father’s coat.

Dennis tugged his arm out of his son’s grasp.

Back in the truck, Brandon removed the gloves and laid them on the seat between them. “I’m sorry, Da. I’d never want to hurt you or disappoint you. That’s why I never told you this before. I tried to do what you wanted me to do, but that didn’t work out so well for me.”

“I just don’t understand,” Dennis said, shaking his head. His parents had been Irish immigrants, and even though Dennis was born in Boston, when he was tired or upset he tended to lapse into the brogue of his parents’ homeland. More than anything, that told Brandon just how distressed his father was. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

Brandon shrugged. “When Aidan went to medical school, I figured there was no way I could leave, too. I knew you were counting on the rest of us.”

“What did you want? What would you have done if there’d been no family business?”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“It
does
matter!” Dennis roared. “Tell me.”

Brandon swallowed hard. “I wanted to be a Navy SEAL.”

Dennis rested his big hands on the steering wheel and glanced over at his son with a look of astonishment on his face. “What kind of man does that make me?” he whispered. “What kind of father was I that you couldn’t come to me and tell me that? Do you honestly think there was
anything
you could’ve wanted that I would’ve denied you?
Anything?
” His voice caught as he rested his head on his hands.

“Da,” Brandon whispered. “I’m sorry.”

Dennis’s head whipped back up. “
You’re sorry? You?
What do you have to be sorry about? I just don’t see how…”

“What?”

“How did you keep this from me all these years? There was always a cloud of unhappiness and discontent about you, but I had no idea it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I should’ve said something. But you were so disappointed when Aidan decided to go to medical school—”

“What the hell are you talking about?
Disappointed?
I was over the moon! My father left school in the eighth grade, and my son was going to be a
doctor
? How could you think I was disappointed? It was one of the greatest thrills of my life.”

“But you were so sad…” Brandon felt like he was standing on quick sand as everything he’d believed to be true turned out to be false. “You wanted us to come to work with you.”

“I wanted you to be
happy
. And I didn’t want any of you to have to struggle the way I did. The business was my legacy to you, son, but not if you didn’t want it. That you didn’t want it never occurred to me.”

Brandon wanted to weep for lost dreams, for words unspoken, and for the awful pain he saw on his father’s face. “I didn’t want it when I was younger,” Brandon admitted when he could finally bring himself to speak again. “But I’ve devoted my life to that business, and it’s all I know, Da. You can’t take it away from me. Especially not now.”

“You’re going to have to deal with Colin if you stay. I’m not changing my mind about that. And until you’re back on your feet, we want you to take on a special project.”