Authors: Sandra Moran
State of Grace (41 page)
âNo,” I said emphatically. “No, that's not what happened. They never found the killer. It was Tommy. He was there that summer. He met me in the woods. We talked.”
Tara shook her head. Her expression was a combination of fear and disbelief.
“Birdie, listen to me,” she said patiently. “There is no Tommy. No one outside of you has ever seen him.”
“Grace did,” I insisted. “She did. She watched him practice throwing his knife in the woods. They were friends.”
Tara balked. “How do you know that?”
“She told me so,” I said triumphantly.
“When?” Tara asked, furrowing her brow.
“Lots of times,” I said. “She warned me that Tommy was dangerous, but I wouldn't listen. She was the one who saved my life when he came after me with the knife. She takes care of me. She always has.”
“Birdie, what are you talking about?” asked Tara. “What do you mean she was the one who saved you? That she talks to you?”
“Just what I said,” I replied. “She talks to me. Ever since she died, she has been in my head. She warns me of danger. She has kept me from being raped several times. She protects me. She saved me from being murdered by Tommy.”
Tara stared at me, her mouth slightly open. She glanced at the door.
“What are you saying?” she whispered.
“I'm saying that Grace saved me from the man who murdered her.”
“Reggieâ”
“Tommy,” I corrected.
“Tommy didn't murder Grace,” Tara said. “Reggie did. There is no Tommy.”
“That's not true!” I exclaimed. “Jesus! Why won't anyone listen to me? I stabbed him. There's blood all over the cabin. Just go there
and see! You have to believe me.”
âShhhh,” Tara said. “You need to stay calm, or they'll sedate you again. Listen to me. We've all been to the cabin. There is no Tommy.”
“There is!” I yelled. “There is!”
Within seconds, a nurse bustled into the room. She glared at Tara and then turned to me.
“No one believes me,” I told her. “She is trying to tell me that what I know is true, isn't.”
“Rebecca, please calm down,” said the nurse firmly.
“I
am
calm,” I insisted. “I
am
calm. I just want someone to listen to me. Why won't anyone listen to me?”
“We're listening,” the nurse said. “We're listening.”
“No!” I screamed. “You're
not!
”
A second nurse came into the room. In her hand was a syringe. She handed it to the first nurse. “It sounded like it was time for this,” she said.
“No!” I yelled. “No! I don't want it. No!”
This time the nurse inserted the needle into the port on my IV and depressed the plunger. I struggled against the restraints.
“No,” I said weakly and began to sob. “No! You don't understand! You can't do this. I need to get up. We need to catch Tommy! I . . . need . . .”
My family and friends will tell you that I'm not the most reliable of storytellers. And I can tell you that's simply not true. Granted, my story might not hold a lot of weight given that I now spend my days as a guest at the Manor Woods Psychiatric Hospital. But what I'm telling you is the truth. Grace knows it. I know it. And Tommy, wherever he is, knows it too.
He thinks he's gotten away with something. But he hasn't. We've hatched a plan, Grace and I. We have figured out what we need to say to get out of here and when we do, we're going to go someplace where Tommy can never find us. I know everyone thinks I'm crazy. And, I guess that's fine. They can tell me I didn't experience what I know for a fact I did. And there's nothing I can do about that. But I know the difference between imagined and reality.
I know because Grace told me so.
Sandra Moran passed away November 7, 2015. She had finished her final edits of
State of Grace
but had not written the Acknowledgments. I, therefore, open with a sincere apology if I omit someone who was actively involved in the development of the story.
I will let Sandra publicly speak, though, to her beta readers: Elizabeth Andersen, Kathy Belt, Deborah Bowers, Patricia Decker, Rebecca Maury, Jane Montgomery, Stephanie Smith, Stacie Valle, and Annie Yamulla. Here is an excerpt from an email she sent to them on September 14, 2015: “Let me begin by thanking you from the bottom of my heart for all of your hard work and help on
State of Grace
. I just finished implementing all of your edits and the wonderful/amazing/perfection thing about them was that even though many of you caught the same errors, individually you all focused on other things, like over-attribution, holes in the story, etc. You're all superstars and I cannot thank you enough for all of your help.”
A special thank yous to Ashley Fletcher, who read even more versions of
State of Grace
than
Letters Never Sent
, and to Elizabeth Andersen for lending her eagle eye to the final manuscript.
Sandra was able to work with her friend and mentor, Ann McMan, on the cover design for the book. She
loved
the cover, as she did all of the amazing covers Ann did for her books.
There are no words that can express the gratitude Sandra's family and I have for Bywater Books' willingness to publish
State of Grace
exactly as Sandra had left it. This was incredibly important to us.
Sandra ended each new book's Acknowledgments with a bigger tale than the last of her mother's long labor and the career her mother had to give up to have Sandra. Had she the chance, Sandra would have ended these Acknowledgments with an even bigger tale than the one in
All We Lack.
I end it with this ⦠Thank you, Cherie, for so adeptly raising Sandra and teaching her how to love unconditionally. So many lives have been forever changed by her ability to express love. Mine most of all.
âCheryl Pletcher
A native Kansan, Sandra Moran was born on December 20, 1968. Her varied employment history spoke to her sense of intellectual adventure. She worked as a political speechwriter, a newspaper journalist, and an archaeological tour manager. She authored five novels,
Letters Never Sent, Nudge, The Addendum
, and
All We Lack. State of Grace
, the first novel written by Moran, is the last to be published.
In addition to her writing career, Sandra served as an assistant adjunct professor of anthropology at Johnson County Community College in Overland Park, Kansas. She was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer in October 2015, and passed away in hospice care less than one month later on November 7, 2015.
Recognition for
Letters Never Sent
Edmund White Award for Debut Fiction,
Publishing Triangle Awards (Finalist)
Rainbow Award for Historical Fiction (Winner)
Rainbow Award for Lesbian Debut Novel (Winner)
Rainbow Award for Best Lesbian Novel (Finalist)
Ann Bannon Popular Choice Award (Winner)
Golden Crown Literary Society General Fiction Award (Winner)
Recognition for
Nudge
Thorpe Menn Literary Excellence Award (Nominee)
Recognition for
All We Lack
Ann Bannon Popular Choice Award (Finalist)
Golden Crown Literary Society General Fiction Award (Finalist)
NOTE: All author proceeds from the sales of
State of Grace
will be donated to the Legacies of Lesbian Literature Project.
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